In-laws coming for ten days

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of this is in in laws fault

Imposing on hosts for this long is beyond rude. No excuses. No polite person would dream of this. Hotel after three nights.

+1

Anonymous wrote:None of this is in in laws fault

What's preventing the in-laws from getting their own space in a hotel, like considerate guests would do?

Why would they if they were invited to stay with the OP?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I definitely was raised 3 day visits at most. My family (parents, siblings etc) always keep that guideline.

My husband says that’s a “classist” view.

We definitely could get a hotel for part of the visit or all but they’d be offended.

[Anonymous]

Why is their so much hate towards the IL's when really this is the dh's fault?
From the OP:
I suggested 5 days as a reasonable visit but my husband “feels badly” telling them this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I definitely was raised 3 day visits at most. My family (parents, siblings etc) always keep that guideline.

My husband says that’s a “classist” view.

We definitely could get a hotel for part of the visit or all but they’d be offended.

Who. The. F. Cares. Your husband needs to grow some balls and stand up to his mommy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not happy with this. They are very old and needy and it’s at Christmas break when my college kids will be home. They get upset easily if they feel we /kids are not spending enough time with them.

It’s making me dread the holidays. I suggested 5 days as a reasonable visit but my husband “feels badly” telling them this.

There is a bit more context. My father died 10 years ago and my mother is not well and in a full time facility and likely will die this year. She hasn’t been able to visit for over 6 years (I do go see her, however my husband never does)

My husband also had an extremely painful affair that was in full tilt over the holidays two years ago and there is a lot of pain associated with this time of year and a strong desire on my part to overcome these memories and create new good times as a family and couple.

I’m definitely feeling resentful over this visit and realize fully it’s intermixed with other feelings re my parents and the affair.

Advice?

I get how you are feeling. However, I would advise to make the best of this time so your kids don't remember you as the sour puss. Make it a happy family time. For spring vacation, make a plan for family to visit your mom or have her over and make the most of that time as well. Even if everyone can't make it, either have your mom visit or go visit her by yourself and have a great time. Don't make it a competition of whose parents come first.

See, PP's stupidity riles me up. Why is it always on the MOTHER to take on all the burden? Why is she the first to get blamed if she doesn't do all the work, fake it and smile?
It's patently unfair. That sort of stress can lead to serious anxiety and depression, and take years off your life.

My kids would never think less of me for trying to manage my own mental health. They understand it's work to welcome guests into our home (because I ask them to do the vacuuming, moping and dusting!). They know their grandparents are challenging. My husband isn't the sort to help or be emotionally available, and my kids know that too (they suffer from it themselves).

So stop it. OP is entitled to do whatever she needs to do to balance her family obligations and her own mental health. You don't get to tell her what she can't and cannot do.

And I suggest we go very lightly on mothers during the Holidays - not grandparents with nothing to do or husbands who don't lift a finger. The working mothers (whether working for a salary or not) who are expected to do the majority of the planning, gift-giving, scheduling, food preparation and cooking. If you do the bulk of the work, you get to decide where it's going and to whom!!!

[Anonymous]

Are your college kids staying with you too? That is going to be such a crowded house! Do they even want their grandparents there for this long?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of this is in in laws fault

Imposing on hosts for this long is beyond rude. No excuses. No polite person would dream of this. Hotel after three nights.

+1

Anonymous wrote:None of this is in in laws fault

What's preventing the in-laws from getting their own space in a hotel, like considerate guests would do?

Why would they if they were invited to stay with the OP?

Because OP is saying "3 day visit".

Husband should be supporting her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I definitely was raised 3 day visits at most. My family (parents, siblings etc) always keep that guideline.

My husband says that’s a “classist” view.

We definitely could get a hotel for part of the visit or all but they’d be offended.

Who. The. F. Cares. Your husband needs to grow some balls and stand up to his mommy.

+1. Oh noes, they'd be offended. Kind of like how he offended OP by having an affair, but he was fine doing that so he can do this too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are your college kids staying with you too? That is going to be such a crowded house! Do they even want their grandparents there for this long?

OP has given no indication the size of her house. Or that space is or is not an issue. People just be talking out their azzes on here. LMAO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of this is in in laws fault

Imposing on hosts for this long is beyond rude. No excuses. No polite person would dream of this. Hotel after three nights.

+1

Anonymous wrote:None of this is in in laws fault

What's preventing the in-laws from getting their own space in a hotel, like considerate guests would do?

Why would they if they were invited to stay with the OP?

Because OP is saying "3 day visit".

Husband should be supporting her.

How are the in-laws supposed to know this though? They are not mind readers. Maybe if the dh actually man'd up and said this to his parents the problem would be solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should go visit your mom for a few days. Stay in a nice hotel invite the kids and it’s their choice if they want to come along or not. Do you know to prepare for your in-laws visit. Tell your husband it’s all on him. The cooking the cleaning, the sheet changing everything.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You call your in-laws and tell them their son had an affair and your mother is dying, and can't possibly host them at this time of year. Sorry, no can do. End of story.

Nuke 'em huh?
Not very good advice even if tempting and temporarily satisfying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are your college kids staying with you too? That is going to be such a crowded house! Do they even want their grandparents there for this long?

Yes the kids will be here. No, they far prefer a shorter visit it’s stressful when they’re here and as mentioned they expect the kids to constantly be hanging out with them and get offended easily. The kids do the best they can and do interact mainly at dinners, which seems reasonable to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You call your in-laws and tell them their son had an affair and your mother is dying, and can't possibly host them at this time of year. Sorry, no can do. End of story.

Nuke 'em huh?
Not very good advice even if tempting and temporarily satisfying.

OP if you do this please come back and tell us the outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not happy with this. They are very old and needy and it’s at Christmas break when my college kids will be home. They get upset easily if they feel we /kids are not spending enough time with them.

It’s making me dread the holidays. I suggested 5 days as a reasonable visit but my husband “feels badly” telling them this.

There is a bit more context. My father died 10 years ago and my mother is not well and in a full time facility and likely will die this year. She hasn’t been able to visit for over 6 years (I do go see her, however my husband never does)

My husband also had an extremely painful affair that was in full tilt over the holidays two years ago and there is a lot of pain associated with this time of year and a strong desire on my part to overcome these memories and create new good times as a family and couple.

I’m definitely feeling resentful over this visit and realize fully it’s intermixed with other feelings re my parents and the affair.

Advice?

I get how you are feeling. However, I would advise to make the best of this time so your kids don't remember you as the sour puss. Make it a happy family time. For spring vacation, make a plan for family to visit your mom or have her over and make the most of that time as well. Even if everyone can't make it, either have your mom visit or go visit her by yourself and have a great time. Don't make it a competition of whose parents come first.

See, PP's stupidity riles me up. Why is it always on the MOTHER to take on all the burden? Why is she the first to get blamed if she doesn't do all the work, fake it and smile?
It's patently unfair. That sort of stress can lead to serious anxiety and depression, and take years off your life.

My kids would never think less of me for trying to manage my own mental health. They understand it's work to welcome guests into our home (because I ask them to do the vacuuming, moping and dusting!). They know their grandparents are challenging. My husband isn't the sort to help or be emotionally available, and my kids know that too (they suffer from it themselves).

So stop it. OP is entitled to do whatever she needs to do to balance her family obligations and her own mental health. You don't get to tell her what she can't and cannot do.

And I suggest we go very lightly on mothers during the Holidays - not grandparents with nothing to do or husbands who don't lift a finger. The working mothers (whether working for a salary or not) who are expected to do the majority of the planning, gift-giving, scheduling, food preparation and cooking. If you do the bulk of the work, you get to decide where it's going and to whom!!!

+1