In-laws coming for ten days

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:None of this is in in laws fault

Imposing on hosts for this long is beyond rude. No excuses. No polite person would dream of this. Hotel after three nights.

They’re family

So? When we visit my sister in CA we get a hotel after three nights. We don’t impose and disrupt their lives and eat them out of house and home. They’re family—all the more reason to respect them, and not impose.

They are old people. The OP has college age kids. That means her in-laws are old. You all get so nasty when it comes to in-laws.

DP

Hotels accommodate old people.

Boundaries. We get nasty when Team IL wants to violate boundaries that exist out of courtesy and common sense.

You’re all talk. Just another keyboard warrior.

Just another entitled in-law.

You’re a real peach. I feel sorry for your husband.

First you bring me into this, and now my family. My response was completely contained to the subject matter - boundaries and courtesy. You chose to go ad hominem.

By all means avoid to topics at hand. Keep the focus on me. It's a good look for my position here.

[Anonymous]

I would never be rude (op here) I’m working on boundaries and a history of ridiculous people pleasing and this boundary of a five day visit (at most) feels right to me.

I just told him this is important to me and he said he’d talk to his parents. Otherwise, yes I will make some other plans , likely see my mom who no longer can leave her facility/visit.

I’d like to hang with the kids but they definitely want to be here to see friends too. I’d like my immediate family to be together as we need it… without the stress of my in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of this is in in laws fault

Nobody is saying it is! But he is the one in charge of their visit - planning, shopping, hosting, etc. He tends to their needs, not her.

Actually, there are several people in this thread who have blamed the in-laws and called them rude and said they shouldn't burden the OP. Which is weird, if you make a plan with someone for a visit, why would you think anything was wrong with such plan.

[Anonymous]

My long term advice is to dump your husband. Divorce him. He doesn't care about you or your feelings.
My short term advice is to take your kids and go spend time with your mom. Soak her up. Ask her everything you want to know. Love on her. Use up all your vacation time on your mom. When the in-laws come to visit, be busy. Very busy. When they need anything, refer them to your jerk of a husband. If he asks you to do anything for them say you're busy, that he was the one who insisted they stay ten days, so he surely should have planned to entertain them. Spend time with your kids. Your husband does not prioritize you or your feelings at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not happy with this. They are very old and needy and it’s at Christmas break when my college kids will be home. They get upset easily if they feel we /kids are not spending enough time with them.

It’s making me dread the holidays. I suggested 5 days as a reasonable visit but my husband “feels badly” telling them this.

There is a bit more context. My father died 10 years ago and my mother is not well and in a full time facility and likely will die this year. She hasn’t been able to visit for over 6 years (I do go see her, however my husband never does)

My husband also had an extremely painful affair that was in full tilt over the holidays two years ago and there is a lot of pain associated with this time of year and a strong desire on my part to overcome these memories and create new good times as a family and couple.

I’m definitely feeling resentful over this visit and realize fully it’s intermixed with other feelings re my parents and the affair.

Advice?

I get how you are feeling. However, I would advise to make the best of this time so your kids don't remember you as the sour puss. Make it a happy family time. For spring vacation, make a plan for family to visit your mom or have her over and make the most of that time as well. Even if everyone can't make it, either have your mom visit or go visit her by yourself and have a great time. Don't make it a competition of whose parents come first.

Nobody is telling her to be a sour puss. And you miss the point. The emotional and mental work for family visits is almost always on the mom. It just is. She needs to smile and put it on him, and make space for herself without feeling bad. If ILs pick up on something, he can explain it.

Agreed. Drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

Your husband had an affair. He should be doing everything in his power to kiss your ass. You set the rules and tell him what you want - NOW. How long do you want them there? That's how long they stay. Period.

You are still getting through the PTSD of the affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And probably retired so can't afford hotels.

Can they afford to consider a shorter say of perhaps 5 days as suggested by OP?

I find this reasonable. I find it reasonable for DH to take care of this for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My long term advice is to dump your husband. Divorce him. He doesn't care about you or your feelings.
My short term advice is to take your kids and go spend time with your mom. Soak her up. Ask her everything you want to know. Love on her. Use up all your vacation time on your mom. When the in-laws come to visit, be busy. Very busy. When they need anything, refer them to your jerk of a husband. If he asks you to do anything for them say you're busy, that he was the one who insisted they stay ten days, so he surely should have planned to entertain them. Spend time with your kids. Your husband does not prioritize you or your feelings at all.

Yes, yes, yes. Spend this time with your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband had an affair. He should be doing everything in his power to kiss your ass. You set the rules and tell him what you want - NOW. How long do you want them there? That's how long they stay. Period.

You are still getting through the PTSD of the affair.

Agreed, I can't believe he isn't doing EVERYTHING she wants after he f***ed someone else. Still putting her last.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry that you are having such a rough time this year. My suggestion would be that you reach out to your in-laws yourself. Yes, in an ideal world, your husband should be the one handling this, but if he won’t, for your peace of mind, I think you should call them yourself. Let them know how much you all are looking forward to spending time with them this Christmas. But also tell them that it will likely be your mom’s last Christmas and that this is going to be a very tough Christmas for you. That you are excited about them spending time with the family, especially the kids who will be home from college, but that you need to plan some downtime for yourself as well. As such, you would love to have them visit from (insert dates….5 days only). If there is pushback, let the. Know that you wish their so. Had let them know earlier and that you are sorry if this changes their plans, but that you need time for yourself with just your kids and husband. Do not ask if this is okay? Do not be open to negotiation. Just politely state that this year is hard for You and this is what you need to have happen. Then, make the most of their 5 days … if you need to run out to the store periodically for a little break, do it. Best of luck. I’m sending you hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never be rude (op here) I’m working on boundaries and a history of ridiculous people pleasing and this boundary of a five day visit (at most) feels right to me.

I just told him this is important to me and he said he’d talk to his parents. Otherwise, yes I will make some other plans , likely see my mom who no longer can leave her facility/visit.

I’d like to hang with the kids but they definitely want to be here to see friends too. I’d like my immediate family to be together as we need it… without the stress of my in-laws.

I'm only advising on how to save the holidays. Just because in-laws are home, you aren't bound to stay home for whole 10 days, do go visit your mom and take kids out for an overnight trip. Tell DH to arrange meal delivery for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I’m not happy with this. They are very old and needy and it’s at Christmas break when my college kids will be home. They get upset easily if they feel we /kids are not spending enough time with them.

Let them be needy and upset. You have a limited amount of time with your college kids home, your kids have a limited amount of time to see their friends, and in-laws chose to visit at this time for 10 days. Not your problem.

Her in-laws have an even more limited time to see their grandchildren, and grandparents are more important than friends.

They "chose to visit" because it's the effing holidays FFS. Are they supposed to show up when the kids aren't even there and the parents have no time off?

You people are unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

and take the extra time to visit your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Uh, parking at someone's house for 10 days is kind of rude.
Reverse the roles, would these in-laws be willing to host and entertain for 10 days?

We are going to stay with MIL for nine days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m not happy with this. They are very old and needy and it’s at Christmas break when my college kids will be home. They get upset easily if they feel we /kids are not spending enough time with them.

Let them be needy and upset. You have a limited amount of time with your college kids home, your kids have a limited amount of time to see their friends, and in-laws chose to visit at this time for 10 days. Not your problem.

Her in-laws have an even more limited time to see their grandchildren, and grandparents are more important than friends.

They "chose to visit" because it's the effing holidays FFS. Are they supposed to show up when the kids aren't even there and the parents have no time off?

You people are unbelievable.

DP

All the more reason to stay the extended time in a hotel. Overall it will be much easier for OP to accommodate them more often and for longer periods of time if OP knows they will be spending time in a hotel.