Svelte teen girls -- being the ugly duckling in a school of swans

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She does not need to be at that school.

We rezoned for high school with serious behavior and drug problems. Our other option was moving. We did the math and private was cheaper.

But, that private school doesn't seem like a good fit if she feels like an oddball.

My DD is thin, tall, pretty, not as athletic but does one sport. But, of course, like all of us, especially teens, she has self esteem issues. But, she goes to a large public where there are all kinds of kids, and she's found her tribe.

Kids don't want to feel "different". They want to fit in.

If OP's DD is willing to change to "fit in", then sure. But, is that her true self?

My DD has been in therapy for a while for anxiety issues. The therapist and us parents have told her to be her "true self", because only then can she be really happy with herself. But, if being her true self in the social sphere that she is in makes her odd, then that's not a good fit.

IMO, it takes a really strong person to be ok with being odd compared to everyone else. Hard enough for an adult; even harder for a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not read the entire thread but back in the 70's, 80's and 90's all kids in public schools were normal weights. Even kids in poorer areas of Maryland were normal weight. In my classes we probably had 1 student who might have been 10 or 15 pounds heavier but there was not the morbid obesity of today.

Students and families maintained their weight by eating 3 healthy meals a day. We did not have snacks between meals.

Girls did sports but not at the level of today.

Sooo many girls I went to high school with in the 90s had eating disorders (including myself). Childhood obesity is a huge problem, don’t get me wrong, but can we stop romanticizing this time where adolescent girls were supposedly effortlessly thin. Whether it was constant dieting, bulimia, anorexia, cigarettes … girls have been harming themselves to stay thin for a long, long time.

Ha, yes. I was in high school in the late 80s and can remember many girls just bringing a can of Slimfast (remember that?) to lunch and that was their breakfast and lunch. Then as the ads said, they would go home and have a "sensible" dinner. Many of the diet products that were meant for adult women were being consumed by teenagers, often at their mothers' approval. Or forcing yourself to throw up or cigarettes. Because what could be worse than being overweight? Chad wouldn't ask you to the prom, you know.

PP here and yes! Between Slimfast and Jenny Craig, I was constantly dieting as a young teen. And I eventually started bingeing (and purging) because I was freaking starving (but also deeply ashamed about it.) These posts recommending policing portion sizes make me a little twitchy.

The disorder-adjacent talk among young women is literally constant. My DD suffered from anorexia, therefore this talk stands out to us. Most girls aren't eating breakfast or lunch - their first meal of the day is often dinner, which they can eat "normally". Often there's a morality assumed with this behavior, and an expectation that everyone else is doing it. My DD is in her first semester at college and this talk is constant at dinner in the dining hall. It's very upsetting to DD, because she can't miss a single meal to stay physically and emotionally healthy. How others can engage in these behaviors and are seemingly rewarded for it is deeply upsetting for her.

The posts recommending policing portions make me twitchy too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just started at a small private school in 9th grade, and our DD is clearly having some issues adjusting and fitting in. We are on financial aid, so we already are different in that we are outliers in that we drive old cars and both parents work full time -- I actually have the more demanding job so DH is often the one picking up or going to school functions, and he's usually the only Dad for all those things.

But one issue I know is weighing on my DD, judging from her new interest in diet and "healthy eating", is that she is on the high end of the size scale. Honestly, our ped has been somewhat worried about here since her BMI hit 25, but we are wary since we have a family history of eating disorders (grandparents) and it seemed to have originated with the pandemic so we are hoping will wane as she grows.

Her entire school is full of thin and athletic girls, many do a demanding travel sport or even two a season -- a few girls seem to be flying for tennis tournaments every other week. Our DD was doing rec soccer until her team dissolved, and now she doesn't really have any interest in sports and says she won't make the cut for her schools team in any sport since the other students all did travel sports when they were younger.

I'm at a loss of what to do. We try and lead a healthy lifestyle, eating home cooked meals most days, packing a good home made lunch, go on family walks after dinner. I'm a healthy weight and take a yoga class on the weekend, but my DH is definitely put on the pounds in middle age (I think he is sneaking treats at work, since he eats okay at home and even goes to the gym a few days a week). Is her problem stemming from the bad modeling by my DH, should I put him on the irons to lose weight (or even go on GLP1 or something)?

Anyone have any insight into how all these svelte classmates ALL seem to keep slim? I honestly am surprised there is so little varaition; they were all sizes at our public middle school, even within the "wealthier" families. Any tips on how to get DD more active under these scenarios and push her to truly healthy eating (right now she eats too often, even if food is healthy, and is always wanting a snack).

Genetics, controlling almond moms (or dads, I guess), eating disorders, ADHD drugs, or some combo.

What’s an almond mom?

You know the opening credits of "The Devil Wears Prada?" Where the woman has like 10 almonds for breakfast? That's an almond mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just remind her that true beauty is on the inside. And that people who would make a judgement about her based on her size are not worth being associated with at all or even communicating with.

that really doesn't work for most teens

[Anonymous]

Maybe you shouldn't have been neglecting your job as parents and endangering your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you shouldn't have been neglecting your job as parents and endangering your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A BMI of 25 is not overweight. Do not bring this up with her. If anything those other girls will put on weight as their bodies change.

Although not a perfect measure by a long shot, I think it’s important to realize that you can’t translate adult BMI to kids and teens. For a 14/15 year old a BMI is solidly in the overweight category and is on a trajectory to obesity in adulthood

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A BMI of 25 is not overweight. Do not bring this up with her. If anything those other girls will put on weight as their bodies change.

Although not a perfect measure by a long shot, I think it’s important to realize that you can’t translate adult BMI to kids and teens. For a 14/15 year old a BMI is solidly in the overweight category and is on a trajectory to obesity in adulthood

I think that's very flawed especially for post-puberty girls. I was a 5'2 and 125lbs teen and overweight, got my period at 11. My pediatrician was an ass to me, my parents put me on a diet. I felt HORRIBLE about myself. Meanwhile I was just the size I would be my whole adult life, just grew early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just started at a small private school in 9th grade, and our DD is clearly having some issues adjusting and fitting in. We are on financial aid, so we already are different in that we are outliers in that we drive old cars and both parents work full time -- I actually have the more demanding job so DH is often the one picking up or going to school functions, and he's usually the only Dad for all those things.

But one issue I know is weighing on my DD, judging from her new interest in diet and "healthy eating", is that she is on the high end of the size scale. Honestly, our ped has been somewhat worried about here since her BMI hit 25, but we are wary since we have a family history of eating disorders (grandparents) and it seemed to have originated with the pandemic so we are hoping will wane as she grows.

Her entire school is full of thin and athletic girls, many do a demanding travel sport or even two a season -- a few girls seem to be flying for tennis tournaments every other week. Our DD was doing rec soccer until her team dissolved, and now she doesn't really have any interest in sports and says she won't make the cut for her schools team in any sport since the other students all did travel sports when they were younger.

I'm at a loss of what to do. We try and lead a healthy lifestyle, eating home cooked meals most days, packing a good home made lunch, go on family walks after dinner. I'm a healthy weight and take a yoga class on the weekend, but my DH is definitely put on the pounds in middle age (I think he is sneaking treats at work, since he eats okay at home and even goes to the gym a few days a week). Is her problem stemming from the bad modeling by my DH, should I put him on the irons to lose weight (or even go on GLP1 or something)?

Anyone have any insight into how all these svelte classmates ALL seem to keep slim? I honestly am surprised there is so little varaition; they were all sizes at our public middle school, even within the "wealthier" families. Any tips on how to get DD more active under these scenarios and push her to truly healthy eating (right now she eats too often, even if food is healthy, and is always wanting a snack).

no, it's not coming from bad modeling by your DH. those things don't work the way you think they do.

--- mom of a thin girl

Are you sure, my DH is always cooking and is kind of food obsessed, I think it makes her think about food more too.

[Anonymous]

My feeling having gone through this is that it is easier to lose weight than to have high self esteem as a chubby teen girl, or frankly adult woman. Society is too brutal over women's weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My feeling having gone through this is that it is easier to lose weight than to have high self esteem as a chubby teen girl, or frankly adult woman. Society is too brutal over women's weight.

Instagram makes the problem infinitely worse, especially for teen girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remind her that true beauty is on the inside. And that people who would make a judgement about her based on her size are not worth being associated with at all or even communicating with.

that really doesn't work for most teens

Try it.

I mean, why not?

[Anonymous]

I was a student on financial aid in the ISL in New England.

Truthfully, the 100% best thing you can do for her is to pull her from the school.

Yes, the education is better. But everything else is SO much worse. I can't even begin to describe the damage a place like that can do to a kid who doesnt have the same amount of family wealth and privilege.

[Anonymous]

I would focus all your energy on handling YOUR own emotions around this issue. Then once you have a handle on your own body issues, you start to figure out how to support your daugther.

What you DO NOT DO is force a child whose body is bigger into a thinner mold to help her fit in.

Love the child you HAVE. Not the one you prefer that she be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My feeling having gone through this is that it is easier to lose weight than to have high self esteem as a chubby teen girl, or frankly adult woman. Society is too brutal over women's weight.

Ask any perfect looking teen girl if they think they look good. Self esteem is not purchased with thinness.