Svelte teen girls -- being the ugly duckling in a school of swans

[Anonymous]

We just started at a small private school in 9th grade, and our DD is clearly having some issues adjusting and fitting in. We are on financial aid, so we already are different in that we are outliers in that we drive old cars and both parents work full time -- I actually have the more demanding job so DH is often the one picking up or going to school functions, and he's usually the only Dad for all those things.

But one issue I know is weighing on my DD, judging from her new interest in diet and "healthy eating", is that she is on the high end of the size scale. Honestly, our ped has been somewhat worried about here since her BMI hit 25, but we are wary since we have a family history of eating disorders (grandparents) and it seemed to have originated with the pandemic so we are hoping will wane as she grows.

Her entire school is full of thin and athletic girls, many do a demanding travel sport or even two a season -- a few girls seem to be flying for tennis tournaments every other week. Our DD was doing rec soccer until her team dissolved, and now she doesn't really have any interest in sports and says she won't make the cut for her schools team in any sport since the other students all did travel sports when they were younger.

I'm at a loss of what to do. We try and lead a healthy lifestyle, eating home cooked meals most days, packing a good home made lunch, go on family walks after dinner. I'm a healthy weight and take a yoga class on the weekend, but my DH is definitely put on the pounds in middle age (I think he is sneaking treats at work, since he eats okay at home and even goes to the gym a few days a week). Is her problem stemming from the bad modeling by my DH, should I put him on the irons to lose weight (or even go on GLP1 or something)?

Anyone have any insight into how all these svelte classmates ALL seem to keep slim? I honestly am surprised there is so little varaition; they were all sizes at our public middle school, even within the "wealthier" families. Any tips on how to get DD more active under these scenarios and push her to truly healthy eating (right now she eats too often, even if food is healthy, and is always wanting a snack).

[Anonymous]

I understand what you mean and have a 9th grader at a school like you describe (probably the same one). She’s very petite and she’s also talking about how everyone seems to be perfect- thin, athletic, smart. She’s naturally that way and has never thought about “staying thin” until now.
I’d encourage your DD to try hockey in the winter and track in the spring. And I’m hoping with some time they start to see the other girls as real people with their own set of problems/strengths/weaknesses and aren’t actually all perfect.

[Anonymous]

There are many reasons not to send kids to private schools, especially small ones. You have mentioned several of them here.

[Anonymous]

She does not need to be at that school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just started at a small private school in 9th grade, and our DD is clearly having some issues adjusting and fitting in. We are on financial aid, so we already are different in that we are outliers in that we drive old cars and both parents work full time -- I actually have the more demanding job so DH is often the one picking up or going to school functions, and he's usually the only Dad for all those things.

But one issue I know is weighing on my DD, judging from her new interest in diet and "healthy eating", is that she is on the high end of the size scale. Honestly, our ped has been somewhat worried about here since her BMI hit 25, but we are wary since we have a family history of eating disorders (grandparents) and it seemed to have originated with the pandemic so we are hoping will wane as she grows.

Her entire school is full of thin and athletic girls, many do a demanding travel sport or even two a season -- a few girls seem to be flying for tennis tournaments every other week. Our DD was doing rec soccer until her team dissolved, and now she doesn't really have any interest in sports and says she won't make the cut for her schools team in any sport since the other students all did travel sports when they were younger.

I'm at a loss of what to do. We try and lead a healthy lifestyle, eating home cooked meals most days, packing a good home made lunch, go on family walks after dinner. I'm a healthy weight and take a yoga class on the weekend, but my DH is definitely put on the pounds in middle age (I think he is sneaking treats at work, since he eats okay at home and even goes to the gym a few days a week). Is her problem stemming from the bad modeling by my DH, should I put him on the irons to lose weight (or even go on GLP1 or something)?

Anyone have any insight into how all these svelte classmates ALL seem to keep slim? I honestly am surprised there is so little varaition; they were all sizes at our public middle school, even within the "wealthier" families. Any tips on how to get DD more active under these scenarios and push her to truly healthy eating (right now she eats too often, even if food is healthy, and is always wanting a snack).

no, it's not coming from bad modeling by your DH. those things don't work the way you think they do.

--- mom of a thin girl

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are many reasons not to send kids to private schools, especially small ones. You have mentioned several of them here.

Eating healthy, being active and athletic are reasons to avoid private school? Seems like those are good habits vs overeating and being lazy and uninterested in health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She does not need to be at that school.

We rezoned for high school with serious behavior and drug problems. Our other option was moving. We did the math and private was cheaper.

[Anonymous]

You can’t do what the other girls are doing — their moms probably work very part time or not at all, so have home cooked meals at the ready when they get home and as you see transport them to their fitness classes or team sports etc while you are busy working.

Make peace with it and just hope your DD makes some friends and can be their DUFF.

[Anonymous]

Is there not cross country right now? That doesn't usually have cuts and is a great way to stay active. She could also join a club swim team that's designed purely for staying in shape. Most clubs have at least one or two practice options for this goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there not cross country right now? That doesn't usually have cuts and is a great way to stay active. She could also join a club swim team that's designed purely for staying in shape. Most clubs have at least one or two practice options for this goal.

I should add - I think all kids should play one sport at all times; for their mental and physical health. It's also a nice way to make friends outside of school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there not cross country right now? That doesn't usually have cuts and is a great way to stay active. She could also join a club swim team that's designed purely for staying in shape. Most clubs have at least one or two practice options for this goal.

She hates running, she always prefers games over running — too boring.

[Anonymous]

A BMI of 25 is not overweight. Do not bring this up with her. If anything those other girls will put on weight as their bodies change.

[Anonymous]

If it's a small private she should be able to make a team. Not the team everyone's obsessed with (at our small private it was volleyball for fall and soccer for spring for girls, I think cheer is the one for winter but it might be basketball), but a team, unless they are so small they only have the obsession teams. As long as she's OK with getting cut why not try? For example soccer skills should translate at least somewhat to field hockey or maybe lacrosse.

Our private also seems to mostly have svelte girls (and boys). It was so obvious DH suspected they paid attention - consciously or not - to how people looked during the admissions process. My guess is most of them stay thin via good genetics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A BMI of 25 is not overweight. Do not bring this up with her. If anything those other girls will put on weight as their bodies change.

OP said since she hit 25--may have gone up since then. And 25 is the line. Also, OP, is she still growing? You said you hope he will thin out as she grows but the majority of 9th grade girls are done growing or very close to it.

[Anonymous]

Weight aside -- is this school going to be a good fit?

I saw that you said her zoned public school is violent. Did you look at any other privates?

I would also encourage her to pick a team, any team, and just try it. There have to be some no-cut sports. I would hope that the girls are kind and inclusive, but honestly, private school girls are not really known for that.

If not a team sport, she should be checking out clubs that she would like. This isn't really about weight, or at least it shouldn't be. She needs to find girls who will welcome her in and help her feel comfortable in her new environment.