Svelte teen girls -- being the ugly duckling in a school of swans

[Anonymous]

Did you seriously just call your child an ugly duckling?! Pull her out of the private school so you can save money for therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just started at a small private school in 9th grade, and our DD is clearly having some issues adjusting and fitting in. We are on financial aid, so we already are different in that we are outliers in that we drive old cars and both parents work full time -- I actually have the more demanding job so DH is often the one picking up or going to school functions, and he's usually the only Dad for all those things.

But one issue I know is weighing on my DD, judging from her new interest in diet and "healthy eating", is that she is on the high end of the size scale. Honestly, our ped has been somewhat worried about here since her BMI hit 25, but we are wary since we have a family history of eating disorders (grandparents) and it seemed to have originated with the pandemic so we are hoping will wane as she grows.

Her entire school is full of thin and athletic girls, many do a demanding travel sport or even two a season -- a few girls seem to be flying for tennis tournaments every other week. Our DD was doing rec soccer until her team dissolved, and now she doesn't really have any interest in sports and says she won't make the cut for her schools team in any sport since the other students all did travel sports when they were younger.

I'm at a loss of what to do. We try and lead a healthy lifestyle, eating home cooked meals most days, packing a good home made lunch, go on family walks after dinner. I'm a healthy weight and take a yoga class on the weekend, but my DH is definitely put on the pounds in middle age (I think he is sneaking treats at work, since he eats okay at home and even goes to the gym a few days a week). Is her problem stemming from the bad modeling by my DH, should I put him on the irons to lose weight (or even go on GLP1 or something)?

Anyone have any insight into how all these svelte classmates ALL seem to keep slim? I honestly am surprised there is so little varaition; they were all sizes at our public middle school, even within the "wealthier" families. Any tips on how to get DD more active under these scenarios and push her to truly healthy eating (right now she eats too often, even if food is healthy, and is always wanting a snack).

The academics should be the number 1 focus, the weight issue can be dealt with by making small changes everywhere. Above all, don't let on that you think she needs to lose weight. Since your husband needs more exercise, it provides the perfect cover for implementing more healthy changes in your family.

More exercise, incorporate leg weights into the walking and walk at a brisker pace. If you drive her too and from school, park farther away and have her walk. Homecooked meals are great, just use less oil and butter and cheese. Enforce eating some raw vegetables with every dinner. It will also improve her skin if that's an issue that runs in the family. Get creative, you'll find more ways to make any habit healthier.

[Anonymous]

I think this is more about fitting in than about weight. Her dad picks her up and not her mom (not that there is anything wrong with it, OP just pointed it out as being different), both parents work, they aren't wealthy, its a new school, she's not involved in activities they are, etc. She probably thinks if she's thin she will fit in more. That's a dangerous line of thinking.

What you need to do is help her find activities to be involved in. I guarantee there are things she can do at the school that aren't sports related. Find activities she likes so she can make some friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you seriously just call your child an ugly duckling?! Pull her out of the private school so you can save money for therapy.

Ugly duckings are swans, so be gentle on the OP with pre-K literacy level.

[Anonymous]

If my parents had made me wear leg weights while walking, I would have killed myself.

OP, do not listen to some of these crazy parents. Do consider whether this school is worth it.

[Anonymous]

OP, "home cooking", although it has benefits, doesn't protect people from too many calories. Have you evaluated what is being eaten at home for calories, portion sizes, etc. That would be my first thought rather than assuming my DH was sneaking food at work.

In any event, my primary concern would be for my daughter's self esteem. Reassure her that she is beautiful, but if she is more interested in health and fitness, help her do it the right way. Maybe ask your pediatrician for a referral to a nutritionist who can work with the whole family. Help her find a program focused on strength and self-love, not changing her body (maybe she'd enjoy yoga too, or there is a good personal trainer for teens in your area?). And help her find a good peer group: if she's not interested in a school sport, what about other clubs or activities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She does not need to be at that school.

This.
Send her to your local public —particularly if she is a great student and the school
is just mediocre. Encourage he to soar academically to the top of the class. Doors will open this way and she’ll have a much healthier self esteem as a result.

[Anonymous]

I’m pretty sure I can narrow down the private you are at bc my DD noticed this as well during her 8th grade shadow visits. Maybe you can find other activities to stay in shape outside of school like dance or martial arts. Also maybe your DD can join the crew team in the spring. Most of the private schools will have crew training in the winter as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, first off let’s not plan to put anyone on the irons. Just in case this ends up being a chronic condition that your daughter has to live with, it’s important not to stigmatize having a body of a different size if her health remains good. I have a few nieces on my husband’s side, One of them is extremely slim, the other one is Big boned, but slim, and the third is big boned and hefty. She simply built that way, eats the same as her sister and has a great level of activity. In the meantime, you might want to get some blood work done and be sure everything is OK with her from all angles clinically. That’s not inch her towards a GLP one or anything like that, but just to be sure there are no other underlying issues. After that, it’s important that the whole family, not just the overweight ones, embark on a fitness lifestyle that includes the right type of eating, the right type of snacking, and the level of activity, by which I mean, right for your family and for the goals that you guys want. Our family is very active, eats most meals at home, we do incorporate some junkie snacks because I was deprived of those as a kid, and it made us fixate, And the Kids seem to hit a really good balance of healthy food and a limited amount of processed food and are extremely athletic and slim – these are both boys. I’m the one that struggles a little more with my weight, but I try to model the best behavior and front of them and keep my activity level high so I can partake in everything the family does. Hopefully everything will be OK with your wonderful daughter. If the misery persists, consider changing schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you seriously just call your child an ugly duckling?! Pull her out of the private school so you can save money for therapy.

Ugly duckings are swans, so be gentle on the OP with pre-K literacy level.

My point was she hasn’t become the swan yet, like the rest of the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, "home cooking", although it has benefits, doesn't protect people from too many calories. Have you evaluated what is being eaten at home for calories, portion sizes, etc. That would be my first thought rather than assuming my DH was sneaking food at work.

In any event, my primary concern would be for my daughter's self esteem. Reassure her that she is beautiful, but if she is more interested in health and fitness, help her do it the right way. Maybe ask your pediatrician for a referral to a nutritionist who can work with the whole family. Help her find a program focused on strength and self-love, not changing her body (maybe she'd enjoy yoga too, or there is a good personal trainer for teens in your area?). And help her find a good peer group: if she's not interested in a school sport, what about other clubs or activities?

Yeah, home cooking is hardly some weightloss panacea. I have 3 thin kids and they all eat junk I would never touch. But they eat very little while my portions are bigger. Guess who has a weight problem?

[Anonymous]

Is there handball, track, golf, and swim team? Are there intramurals? These are just some suggestions. If it’s an all-girls’ school they really do try to get everyone involved in sports and there are always some without cuts. Being on a team leads to friends and helps build confidence. Meet with AD ahead of time to get reassurance that it’s okay to be brand new to a sport at a small school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just started at a small private school in 9th grade, and our DD is clearly having some issues adjusting and fitting in. We are on financial aid, so we already are different in that we are outliers in that we drive old cars and both parents work full time -- I actually have the more demanding job so DH is often the one picking up or going to school functions, and he's usually the only Dad for all those things.

But one issue I know is weighing on my DD, judging from her new interest in diet and "healthy eating", is that she is on the high end of the size scale. Honestly, our ped has been somewhat worried about here since her BMI hit 25, but we are wary since we have a family history of eating disorders (grandparents) and it seemed to have originated with the pandemic so we are hoping will wane as she grows.

Her entire school is full of thin and athletic girls, many do a demanding travel sport or even two a season -- a few girls seem to be flying for tennis tournaments every other week. Our DD was doing rec soccer until her team dissolved, and now she doesn't really have any interest in sports and says she won't make the cut for her schools team in any sport since the other students all did travel sports when they were younger.

I'm at a loss of what to do. We try and lead a healthy lifestyle, eating home cooked meals most days, packing a good home made lunch, go on family walks after dinner. I'm a healthy weight and take a yoga class on the weekend, but my DH is definitely put on the pounds in middle age (I think he is sneaking treats at work, since he eats okay at home and even goes to the gym a few days a week). Is her problem stemming from the bad modeling by my DH, should I put him on the irons to lose weight (or even go on GLP1 or something)?

Anyone have any insight into how all these svelte classmates ALL seem to keep slim? I honestly am surprised there is so little varaition; they were all sizes at our public middle school, even within the "wealthier" families. Any tips on how to get DD more active under these scenarios and push her to truly healthy eating (right now she eats too often, even if food is healthy, and is always wanting a snack).

Genetics, controlling almond moms (or dads, I guess), eating disorders, ADHD drugs, or some combo.

[Anonymous]

I have not read the entire thread but back in the 70's, 80's and 90's all kids in public schools were normal weights. Even kids in poorer areas of Maryland were normal weight. In my classes we probably had 1 student who might have been 10 or 15 pounds heavier but there was not the morbid obesity of today.

Students and families maintained their weight by eating 3 healthy meals a day. We did not have snacks between meals.

Girls did sports but not at the level of today.

[Anonymous]

Svelte kids of today were the normal sized kids of the 70's 80;s and 90's.

We are so used to seeing morbidly obese kids and overweight kids that we view normal weight kids as ultra thin.