Svelte teen girls -- being the ugly duckling in a school of swans

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have her run. Sign up for a 5k. Even if she isn’t skinny, she will be more fit and healthy.

I saw this fat middle aged woman on instagram who runs 1 mile per day. She looks so happy and inspirational. If your daughter runs 1-2 miles per day, runs a few 5k, she can at minimum get out of overweight BMI.

Running is great and the key to my own sustained weight loss, however you might have to really ease into it with an overweight kid who’s not used to a lot of exercise. Ramp up slowly. I joined cross country in high school when I was at my peak weight and quickly developed stress fractures in my shins. It was a huge setback for me. I eventually came roaring back and have been a serious runner for many decades now, but I’ll never forget the young make x-ray tech looking me right in the eyes and saying “you’re too heavy to be a runner.”

I didn’t suggest OP join cross country. I said she should run 1-2 miles per day. She can do this on a treadmill or outside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have her run. Sign up for a 5k. Even if she isn’t skinny, she will be more fit and healthy.

I saw this fat middle aged woman on instagram who runs 1 mile per day. She looks so happy and inspirational. If your daughter runs 1-2 miles per day, runs a few 5k, she can at minimum get out of overweight BMI.

Running is great and the key to my own sustained weight loss, however you might have to really ease into it with an overweight kid who’s not used to a lot of exercise. Ramp up slowly. I joined cross country in high school when I was at my peak weight and quickly developed stress fractures in my shins. It was a huge setback for me. I eventually came roaring back and have been a serious runner for many decades now, but I’ll never forget the young make x-ray tech looking me right in the eyes and saying “you’re too heavy to be a runner.”

I didn’t suggest OP join cross country. I said she should run 1-2 miles per day. She can do this on a treadmill or outside.

OP’s not even a real person. We’re talking generalities at this point. Regardless of the distance, an overweight, previously inactive kid should ramp up slowly. That’s all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have her run. Sign up for a 5k. Even if she isn’t skinny, she will be more fit and healthy.

I saw this fat middle aged woman on instagram who runs 1 mile per day. She looks so happy and inspirational. If your daughter runs 1-2 miles per day, runs a few 5k, she can at minimum get out of overweight BMI.

Running is great and the key to my own sustained weight loss, however you might have to really ease into it with an overweight kid who’s not used to a lot of exercise. Ramp up slowly. I joined cross country in high school when I was at my peak weight and quickly developed stress fractures in my shins. It was a huge setback for me. I eventually came roaring back and have been a serious runner for many decades now, but I’ll never forget the young make x-ray tech looking me right in the eyes and saying “you’re too heavy to be a runner.”

I didn’t suggest OP join cross country. I said she should run 1-2 miles per day. She can do this on a treadmill or outside.

OP’s not even a real person. We’re talking generalities at this point. Regardless of the distance, an overweight, previously inactive kid should ramp up slowly. That’s all!

Well that seems obvious. If the kid can’t jog a mile, she should be more active and it is no wonder she is overweight.

My son the same age signed up for a 5k with me. He isn’t a runner but he plays other sports. He was able to run the whole thing with no training easily. His old mom had to walk in the middle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have her run. Sign up for a 5k. Even if she isn’t skinny, she will be more fit and healthy.

I saw this fat middle aged woman on instagram who runs 1 mile per day. She looks so happy and inspirational. If your daughter runs 1-2 miles per day, runs a few 5k, she can at minimum get out of overweight BMI.

Running is great and the key to my own sustained weight loss, however you might have to really ease into it with an overweight kid who’s not used to a lot of exercise. Ramp up slowly. I joined cross country in high school when I was at my peak weight and quickly developed stress fractures in my shins. It was a huge setback for me. I eventually came roaring back and have been a serious runner for many decades now, but I’ll never forget the young make x-ray tech looking me right in the eyes and saying “you’re too heavy to be a runner.”

I didn’t suggest OP join cross country. I said she should run 1-2 miles per day. She can do this on a treadmill or outside.

OP’s not even a real person. We’re talking generalities at this point. Regardless of the distance, an overweight, previously inactive kid should ramp up slowly. That’s all!

Well that seems obvious. If the kid can’t jog a mile, she should be more active and it is no wonder she is overweight.

My son the same age signed up for a 5k with me. He isn’t a runner but he plays other sports. He was able to run the whole thing with no training easily. His old mom had to walk in the middle.

That too seems pretty obvious. But this thread is about overweight, inactive teen girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obesity is a major problem in this country. It would be solved if people didn’t eat constantly and snack all day long. Instead have one or two healthy meals a day and have light, healthy snacks if you get hungry.

Yes, OP should just tell her 14 year old child that she is a pathetic failure if she feels the need to eat more than once a day. That won't be harmful to her at all.

No, OP should tell her 14-year-old child that her mom is a pathetic failure who needs to be a better parent.

[Anonymous]

First of all, we're less than a month into the school year. Not a surprise that OP's daughter doesn't feel like she fits in to her new school, and that's okay. It can take time to find your place. I think this is less of a weight issue or a money issue or anything like that at this point and more the fact that change is hard, and being new is hard.

Second, if there's not a sport she wants to play this season, what would she want to do? A play she can audition for (or do tech theater work for)? A service club? A music group? I wouldn't make her do a sport, but I would make (or at least very, very strongly encourage) her to join *something* at school, as that's the fastest path to finding her people and starting to feel like she fits. I was a nonathletic kid who went from public middle school to private high school and trying out for the fall play was what helped me start to feel more comfortable at school.

Once she starts to find her footing a bit more I think you can thoughtfully approach the question of exercise. You can talk about whether there are sports she wants to do in future seasons, and if so, how she could start preparing now. You can talk about how she wants to physically active if not through sports. But I would be very careful to frame all of this in terms of what she can add to help her develop healthy habits, and none of it about weight. If you can't do that, find someone else who can.

The environment she's in sounds like a potential breeding ground for eating disorders, so to me the two keys are 1) focusing first on helping her feel like she belongs a bit more at the new school and 2) making about what positive things you can add for her health, not how you can restrict or cut.

Good luck to you both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have her run. Sign up for a 5k. Even if she isn’t skinny, she will be more fit and healthy.

I saw this fat middle aged woman on instagram who runs 1 mile per day. She looks so happy and inspirational. If your daughter runs 1-2 miles per day, runs a few 5k, she can at minimum get out of overweight BMI.

Running is great and the key to my own sustained weight loss, however you might have to really ease into it with an overweight kid who’s not used to a lot of exercise. Ramp up slowly. I joined cross country in high school when I was at my peak weight and quickly developed stress fractures in my shins. It was a huge setback for me. I eventually came roaring back and have been a serious runner for many decades now, but I’ll never forget the young make x-ray tech looking me right in the eyes and saying “you’re too heavy to be a runner.”

I didn’t suggest OP join cross country. I said she should run 1-2 miles per day. She can do this on a treadmill or outside.

OP’s not even a real person. We’re talking generalities at this point. Regardless of the distance, an overweight, previously inactive kid should ramp up slowly. That’s all!

Well that seems obvious. If the kid can’t jog a mile, she should be more active and it is no wonder she is overweight.

My son the same age signed up for a 5k with me. He isn’t a runner but he plays other sports. He was able to run the whole thing with no training easily. His old mom had to walk in the middle.

Your son’s story has no relevance to the discussion. It’s about a girl feeling awkward in front of other girls who seem to have no weight problems.

Can you walk to stores or any type of recreational facilities from your house? Walking can be pleasant when you have music and a destination. See if there are destinations within a mile or two that she can walk to.

[Anonymous]

What’s with all these parents of teens waking up one day and realizing the kids are large? Where have the parents been the last 5-10 years as this was happening??! It reminds me of the parents of 4 year olds who think it’s “cute” their child can eat an entire container of strawberries at once and the parent isn’t concerned by that at all. Eating huge quantities, even of healthy food, is going to make you fat. You CAN overfeed a child, just like you can overfeed an animal. Be a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s with all these parents of teens waking up one day and realizing the kids are large? Where have the parents been the last 5-10 years as this was happening??! It reminds me of the parents of 4 year olds who think it’s “cute” their child can eat an entire container of strawberries at once and the parent isn’t concerned by that at all. Eating huge quantities, even of healthy food, is going to make you fat. You CAN overfeed a child, just like you can overfeed an animal. Be a parent.

I have a skinny child who eats a child. I once posted whether I should limit her food. People said I was crazy. I have two sons who eat a ton and are athletes and a petite daughter who eats like her brothers but is still under 20 BMI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s with all these parents of teens waking up one day and realizing the kids are large? Where have the parents been the last 5-10 years as this was happening??! It reminds me of the parents of 4 year olds who think it’s “cute” their child can eat an entire container of strawberries at once and the parent isn’t concerned by that at all. Eating huge quantities, even of healthy food, is going to make you fat. You CAN overfeed a child, just like you can overfeed an animal. Be a parent.

I have a skinny child who eats a child. I once posted whether I should limit her food. People said I was crazy. I have two sons who eat a ton and are athletes and a petite daughter who eats like her brothers but is still under 20 BMI.

Well, your kid shouldn’t be eating other kids even if she’s skinny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s with all these parents of teens waking up one day and realizing the kids are large? Where have the parents been the last 5-10 years as this was happening??! It reminds me of the parents of 4 year olds who think it’s “cute” their child can eat an entire container of strawberries at once and the parent isn’t concerned by that at all. Eating huge quantities, even of healthy food, is going to make you fat. You CAN overfeed a child, just like you can overfeed an animal. Be a parent.

I have a skinny child who eats a child. I once posted whether I should limit her food. People said I was crazy. I have two sons who eat a ton and are athletes and a petite daughter who eats like her brothers but is still under 20 BMI.

How old is she? Are both of her biological parents still skinny? I’ve noticed a pattern where fat parents of skinny kids think it’s awesome how much their kids can eat and not get chubby…until they do. I don’t understand parents who refuse to limit food, ever. I serve a meal, I offer reasonable seconds and after that it’s “that’s enough, go play. Come back in 20 minutes if you are still hungry.” They never do because their body realized they are full and their brain moves on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel your DD’s discomfort, OP. I was short, pale and busty in a time when there weren’t great sports bras for large-chested, small people and when spray tanning wasn’t really a thing. I went to a school full of tall, svelte, tan, flat-chested girls. It honestly sucked because I was dropped into a world that made it clear that I didn’t belong.

Leaving aside the weight and activity stuff, Op, it’s time to think about belonging. No matter how badly we want to belong to certain communities, they don’t want us and are quietly structured to say “these are the kind of people who we want around us.” Whether it’s ordering t-shirts all in one size, or a spirit day outfit that doesn’t work for girls who need actual bras, a required hairstyle that only works for one hair type, or a school uniform that doesn’t work for certain builds, there are quiet ways to showcase some and exclude others. It’s usually not even conscious but that doesn’t exclude it.

When I tried dating and meeting people in groups with my friends post-college and was surrounded by tall, rich, tan, svelte girls and the men who were interested in them, I finally understood assortative mating- and how my homogenous HS classmates came to be.

Find a place for your DD where there are girls of every type. If it’s too late for that to happen by changing schools, look at teams and clubs and find the most varied group of girls- we can’t tell you what that might be at your school but crew and track aren’t bad places to start. Find something outside of school, too. Don’t bang your head against a wall and try to fit in.

+1 such a thoughtful answer.

[Anonymous]

How about you wait to talk about the weight until either she brings it up or the doctor brings it up? I think the key here is not that you want her to be THIN, but that you want her to be HEALTHY. If her doctor says that she's just fine where she is, then wonderful- focus on movement on ways that she might find fun and fulfilling (bike rides as a family on the weekends? jumping on the trampoline with little cousins?). You can emphasize the many benefits movement has for focus, stress, and overall mental health, rather than on her weight.

For me, it would have been humiliating to be the worst player on the team, especially if I felt like I didn't fit in to begin with. If she's shy about doing sports in front of girls at her school, could you go with her to a workout class that will only be people she doesn't care about watching her? I was shy about how unathletic I was as a teenager, but was fine about going to a yoga class filled with old ladies. Or a gym membership where she knows no one. Also, if this is the school I think it is, she can set up an appointment with the (wonderful and super non-judgemental) athletic trainer who can help her figure out her goals. That can happen one-on-one. And the school gym is open on weekdays during the summer, when it's almost always completely empty except for the trainers. And then the after-school activities she chooses to connect with other people at school can be non-athletic ones. Also if this is the school I think it is, I worked there for several years and I gained 10 lbs in my first 3 months from eating the dining hall food (They load everything up with butter, including things that you wouldn't expect to even involve butter). So you could have her consider packing a lunch.

Personally, my instinct is that adding "and by the way, sweetheart, you're looking a little round lately" to this child's already (it sounds like) VERY full emotional plate in her first year at this very academic school would be way too much. If your daughter has brought up that SHE feels self-conscious about her weight, then okay. But if you're just noticing that she seems like she feels out of place, and are projecting that it's because of her weight, I'd really let it go for her first few years there. It isn't like she'll be in much of a headspace to do much about it when she's already worried about making new friends and adjusting to academics. Save this for another year if you can.

If her doctor is concerned, you can have a sit-down with him and your daughter. What, specifically, is he worried about? Cholesterol? Other blood work? Her body fat percentage? Her blood pressure? If not addressed, what could the consequences for her health down the road be? What about her lifestyle does the doctor suggest she change? How does she do that in a safe way that prioritizes health and feeling good rather than weight? How does she set a goal that's healthy? Again, the focus becomes on "I need to get my cholesterol down to _______ so I'm not at risk of an early heart attack" rather than "I need to lose weight to become this nebulous category, 'thin,' which I may or may not ever be able to achieve based on how I'm built. I second the idea that blood tests, especially for hormonal stuff and thyroid function, would be a good move at her next exam. Conditions like PCOS can cause weight loss that really IS resistant to dieting and exercise, and it would really stink to have her work so hard to change something that's out of her control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Protein.

I have been overweight my entire life. Finally losing. Always thought I ate relatively healthy. Nope. Too many (lower nutrition) carbs and not enough protein. Not saying keto level of rigidity. Just prioritizing protein at meals.

And then just make sure she's moving each day. Take walks together after dinner. Tell her you are doing it for you..but would love the company if she's up for it. Also a great time to just chat about life.

My lean boys are trying to gain weight and eat more protein. I’m not sure this is the answer.

Make sure your boys know they should be eating protein to help build *muscle*, but they need to be in a caloric surplus in order to do so, and for that they need to be eating lots and lots of carbs.

Protein is the most satiating macro.

They eat a ton but they are athletes and burn a lot of calories. They eat a lot of everything.

That’s all well and good, but your previous response (“I’m not sure [protein] is the answer [for losing weight]”) must have been deliberately disingenuous.

Your boys aren’t eating *protein* to gain weight. They are eating “a ton” to gain weight.

You're being disingenious. Bc when people say that their teen boys are trying to put on weight, they don't just mean a higher number on the scale; those boys are trying to put on muscle mass.

So yes, those boys are eating a ton of protein. My 14yo hits the weights hard. He's 5'9 and about 160-165 lbs (still very lean) and he consumes over 200 grams of protein a day. As he gets up to 185-200 lbs, we'll increase his protein to closer to 225 grams.

But nobody just wants to put on "weight" They want a clean bulk. and the teenagers that are smart about it are consuming a TON of protein

You think about your sons’ bodies too much.

I’m not that pp but pp who said my sons are trying to gain weight. They are 135 and 125 pounds. They are very lean and trying to gain muscle. I was not being disingenuous. I was simply saying that focusing on eating protein is not the best way to lose weight.

It’s also not the best way to gain weight. You claim to understand this point, but you clearly don’t.

Our family is thin. My boys are the ones trying to gain weight. They just eat all the time and don’t gain weight because they burn thousands of calories playing sports. They both play multiple sports.

If OP’s daughter played sports burning thousands of calories, she would also be thinner.

My daughter does dance and not AS active as my sons. She also eats a lot and is very thin. My kids all have BMIs around 20-21.

Dance is like sports. You have recreational dance where the kid goes for a couple of hours per week. Then you have the dancers in serious programs who dance 3-6 hour a day for 6 days a week. There’s a big difference in calorie needs and physical strength.

Sports also have recreational programs that are a few hours a week. Then they have more serious teams that might have a 20 hour a week schedule.

The OPs daughter would not be ready to jump into a higher level sports teams and they are the only ones that burn a lot of calories. So that’s not very helpful.

[Anonymous]

My 9th grade daughter began club rowing. It is the year they learn, so she was not behind. Lost her baby fat as it is an extraordinary workout. More importantly she found her team and a few good friends outside of school for balance. Regattas get her outside on the weekends. Just an idea.