Svelte teen girls -- being the ugly duckling in a school of swans

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there not cross country right now? That doesn't usually have cuts and is a great way to stay active. She could also join a club swim team that's designed purely for staying in shape. Most clubs have at least one or two practice options for this goal.

She hates running, she always prefers games over running — too boring.

Yeah she can't refuse to participate in sports and complain she is overweight. It's ok to not like doing sports but then you have to accept you won't be lean like the athletic girls.
Btw this won't fly in our house our kids have to do a sport at school each season. We don't do travel or club but the least is participating in the activities offered at our public school.

[Anonymous]

What I have noticed with my kids is that being serious about a sport leads to being more conscious about food and about general physical health. My ds was a chubby tween and sports changed that. My dd was always thin, and she runs cross country so it burns a ton of calories. Both kids also go to the gym 4+ times a week. I'd guess the kids you see looking thin just spend a lot of time working out AND also generally eat pretty well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not read the entire thread but back in the 70's, 80's and 90's all kids in public schools were normal weights. Even kids in poorer areas of Maryland were normal weight. In my classes we probably had 1 student who might have been 10 or 15 pounds heavier but there was not the morbid obesity of today.

Students and families maintained their weight by eating 3 healthy meals a day. We did not have snacks between meals.

Girls did sports but not at the level of today.

Sooo many girls I went to high school with in the 90s had eating disorders (including myself). Childhood obesity is a huge problem, don’t get me wrong, but can we stop romanticizing this time where adolescent girls were supposedly effortlessly thin. Whether it was constant dieting, bulimia, anorexia, cigarettes … girls have been harming themselves to stay thin for a long, long time.

[Anonymous]

Just remind her that true beauty is on the inside. And that people who would make a judgement about her based on her size are not worth being associated with at all or even communicating with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not read the entire thread but back in the 70's, 80's and 90's all kids in public schools were normal weights. Even kids in poorer areas of Maryland were normal weight. In my classes we probably had 1 student who might have been 10 or 15 pounds heavier but there was not the morbid obesity of today.

Students and families maintained their weight by eating 3 healthy meals a day. We did not have snacks between meals.

Girls did sports but not at the level of today.

Sooo many girls I went to high school with in the 90s had eating disorders (including myself). Childhood obesity is a huge problem, don’t get me wrong, but can we stop romanticizing this time where adolescent girls were supposedly effortlessly thin. Whether it was constant dieting, bulimia, anorexia, cigarettes … girls have been harming themselves to stay thin for a long, long time.

Yeah but today we also have epigenetic factors that we are only beginning to understand, plus our every day lives may or may not (there's conflicting data on this) include less routine activity than in the 1980s - certainly it includes less routine activity than in the 1950s when most families only had 1 car or even earlier.

The upshot is that a person who consumes the same calories as her mother did back in the day will likely weigh more, and the weight difference isn't in muscle.

[Anonymous]

I feel your DD’s discomfort, OP. I was short, pale and busty in a time when there weren’t great sports bras for large-chested, small people and when spray tanning wasn’t really a thing. I went to a school full of tall, svelte, tan, flat-chested girls. It honestly sucked because I was dropped into a world that made it clear that I didn’t belong.

Leaving aside the weight and activity stuff, Op, it’s time to think about belonging. No matter how badly we want to belong to certain communities, they don’t want us and are quietly structured to say “these are the kind of people who we want around us.” Whether it’s ordering t-shirts all in one size, or a spirit day outfit that doesn’t work for girls who need actual bras, a required hairstyle that only works for one hair type, or a school uniform that doesn’t work for certain builds, there are quiet ways to showcase some and exclude others. It’s usually not even conscious but that doesn’t exclude it.

When I tried dating and meeting people in groups with my friends post-college and was surrounded by tall, rich, tan, svelte girls and the men who were interested in them, I finally understood assortative mating- and how my homogenous HS classmates came to be.

Find a place for your DD where there are girls of every type. If it’s too late for that to happen by changing schools, look at teams and clubs and find the most varied group of girls- we can’t tell you what that might be at your school but crew and track aren’t bad places to start. Find something outside of school, too. Don’t bang your head against a wall and try to fit in.

[Anonymous]

Many people are recommending sports. Those are great for many reasons, but won't necessarily lead to weight loss. Weight loss happens much more quickly with reducing calories-- exercise leads to health benefits, but not really weight loss. And if your dd will be among the worst kids on the team, it's likely to exacerbate the problem rather than help. I'd look for rec teams outside of school or county sports skills classes or something like that.

Is it feasible for her to sign up for some activities that are not sports related? Ideally, at school or with kids from the school so she can build her group, but if that doesn't work, then look for other ones in your neighborhood. Academic clubs come to mind (debate, or something else that will let her build strength in something that is different than what these other kids excel at). Also, more nurturing-type non athletic clubs at her new school (public service clubs and the like) where her athletic ability won't be noticed and she can find common ground with kids through other means.

[Anonymous]

Try ozempic

[Anonymous]

Going for a leisurely walk a few times a week is not going to help her lose weight. Cutting added sugar, having appropriate portions, and halving carbs will. Your homecooked pasta and potatoes are still ... carbs.

[Anonymous]

"Sooo many girls I went to high school with in the 90s had eating disorders (including myself). Childhood obesity is a huge problem, don’t get me wrong, but can we stop romanticizing this time where adolescent girls were supposedly effortlessly thin. Whether it was constant dieting, bulimia, anorexia, cigarettes … girls have been harming themselves to stay thin for a long, long time."


Yes, this. Tread carefully, OP.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are projecting. Please get support for your own body/eating issues.

[Anonymous]

I actually don’t think it’s the actual sport itself that keeps kids lean as it’s mostly diet that determines things. The benefit of a sport is that they are active AND busy. Lots of people mindlessly snack and if she has no EC she’s doing that daily most likely. Even if she did a busy EC that was non athletic it would probably help. But something out of school would also work? There are lots of rec teams. Dance studios etc.

These kids are all lean bc they have pushy parents who get them involved in activities and they have the money to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t do what the other girls are doing — their moms probably work very part time or not at all, so have home cooked meals at the ready when they get home and as you see transport them to their fitness classes or team sports etc while you are busy working.

Make peace with it and just hope your DD makes some friends and can be their DUFF.

Did you seriously just use the term DUFF? Are you in middle school circa 2004?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually don’t think it’s the actual sport itself that keeps kids lean as it’s mostly diet that determines things. The benefit of a sport is that they are active AND busy. Lots of people mindlessly snack and if she has no EC she’s doing that daily most likely. Even if she did a busy EC that was non athletic it would probably help. But something out of school would also work? There are lots of rec teams. Dance studios etc.

These kids are all lean bc they have pushy parents who get them involved in activities and they have the money to do that.

+1

Keeping busy definitely prevents a lot of the mindless snacking.

Also, OP, genes…..yes rich people in the US tend to be thinner. And taller. Genetically. That advantage is amplified by increased healthy diet and exercise, yes- but genes play a large role.

TBH with you, this school sounds like a very unhealthy environment for your DD for a lot of reasons. This is probably only the tip of the iceberg. Why keep her in a school where she is so out of place and is going to have a big battle on her hands socially?? Maybe it will make her stronger- but it is just as likely to create mental health issues.

[Anonymous]

I attended an elite boarding school in CT for 11th & 12th and half the girls in my class had an eating disorder. It was nuts the way they would police each other about food. I was very thin throughout adolescence because of a thyroid disorder.

I think 11:56 has the only real decent advice--everyone else is just giving diet advice. Check out the book Fat Talk (Parenting in the Age of Diet Culture) by Virginia Sole-Smith.