Svelte teen girls -- being the ugly duckling in a school of swans

[Anonymous]

Stop trying to get her to change her body type and lean in to what she naturally has athletically.

So, basically, get in her in the weight room. The confidence she'll get from being able to move the iron will be so much greater than any temporary or shallow self-esteem boost from going down a size.

Plus, she'll be surrounded by women of all shapes and sizes that know that strength & health is WAY more important than fitting into some pair of jeans.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. Support her, listen to her, talk with her about society (maybe sometimes not about her and her issues specifically but there are so many many opportunities to bring up how social media is damaging young womens' mental health largely related to body issues). Encourage friendships that are positive - let he know that many girls and women of all sizes understand how problematic the constant judgment about our bodies, looks, etc is. Help her steer clear of situations or people who might aggravate this but also TRUST and express trust that she can handle so much, then equip her to do that whether with an extracurricular, a therapist, or whatever she needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are many reasons not to send kids to private schools, especially small ones. You have mentioned several of them here.

100% this!!! Especially on financial aid. Did you not visit the school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not read the entire thread but back in the 70's, 80's and 90's all kids in public schools were normal weights. Even kids in poorer areas of Maryland were normal weight. In my classes we probably had 1 student who might have been 10 or 15 pounds heavier but there was not the morbid obesity of today.

Students and families maintained their weight by eating 3 healthy meals a day. We did not have snacks between meals.

Girls did sports but not at the level of today.

lol. Pp thinks no one ate snacks before 2000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most teens seem thin so if your child is even a slightly overweight, she may be the odd one out.

My kids all have no fat and they eat tons of junk.

My DD finds it completely unfair that her friends' parents let them eat all the junk food they want and are thin. She's not thin and we definitely limit junk food (basically, one dessert a day, which is still a lot.) The responses to this post will be evenly split with parents saying an overweight kid shouldn't get a dessert a day... and parents saying that by restricting food we are headed toward an eating disorder. It's a struggle EVERY DAY.

My daughter is very skinny but loves to eat. She has the eating habits of an overweight child but she is stick skinny. She eats dessert everyday. She loves ice cream, chips, cookies and chocolate. I don’t know how she is underweight. At he last check up, she was 18th percentile in weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most teens seem thin so if your child is even a slightly overweight, she may be the odd one out.

My kids all have no fat and they eat tons of junk.

My DD finds it completely unfair that her friends' parents let them eat all the junk food they want and are thin. She's not thin and we definitely limit junk food (basically, one dessert a day, which is still a lot.) The responses to this post will be evenly split with parents saying an overweight kid shouldn't get a dessert a day... and parents saying that by restricting food we are headed toward an eating disorder. It's a struggle EVERY DAY.

My daughter is very skinny but loves to eat. She has the eating habits of an overweight child but she is stick skinny. She eats dessert everyday. She loves ice cream, chips, cookies and chocolate. I don’t know how she is underweight. At he last check up, she was 18th percentile in weight.

We're not all equal when it comes to weight gain. That's why Ozempic is such a miracle. It evens out the playing field.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remind her that true beauty is on the inside. And that people who would make a judgement about her based on her size are not worth being associated with at all or even communicating with.

that really doesn't work for most teens

Try it.

I mean, why not?

You don't think most parents have stated this to their kid? I have said this to my DD who is actually pretty. Teens, and adults, still judge each other by their looks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not read the entire thread but back in the 70's, 80's and 90's all kids in public schools were normal weights. Even kids in poorer areas of Maryland were normal weight. In my classes we probably had 1 student who might have been 10 or 15 pounds heavier but there was not the morbid obesity of today.

Students and families maintained their weight by eating 3 healthy meals a day. We did not have snacks between meals. Girls did sports but not at the level of today.

lol. Pp thinks no one ate snacks before 2000.

I was born in '76 and we ate snack every day after school, and as teens sometimes after dinner too.

[Anonymous]

its a simple equation that works for pretty much everyone - eat less, move more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just started at a small private school in 9th grade, and our DD is clearly having some issues adjusting and fitting in. We are on financial aid, so we already are different in that we are outliers in that we drive old cars and both parents work full time -- I actually have the more demanding job so DH is often the one picking up or going to school functions, and he's usually the only Dad for all those things.

But one issue I know is weighing on my DD, judging from her new interest in diet and "healthy eating", is that she is on the high end of the size scale. Honestly, our ped has been somewhat worried about here since her BMI hit 25, but we are wary since we have a family history of eating disorders (grandparents) and it seemed to have originated with the pandemic so we are hoping will wane as she grows.

Her entire school is full of thin and athletic girls, many do a demanding travel sport or even two a season -- a few girls seem to be flying for tennis tournaments every other week. Our DD was doing rec soccer until her team dissolved, and now she doesn't really have any interest in sports and says she won't make the cut for her schools team in any sport since the other students all did travel sports when they were younger.

I'm at a loss of what to do. We try and lead a healthy lifestyle, eating home cooked meals most days, packing a good home made lunch, go on family walks after dinner. I'm a healthy weight and take a yoga class on the weekend, but my DH is definitely put on the pounds in middle age (I think he is sneaking treats at work, since he eats okay at home and even goes to the gym a few days a week). Is her problem stemming from the bad modeling by my DH, should I put him on the irons to lose weight (or even go on GLP1 or something)?

Anyone have any insight into how all these svelte classmates ALL seem to keep slim? I honestly am surprised there is so little varaition; they were all sizes at our public middle school, even within the "wealthier" families. Any tips on how to get DD more active under these scenarios and push her to truly healthy eating (right now she eats too often, even if food is healthy, and is always wanting a snack).

This sounds like total chatgpt trolling

[Anonymous]

This does sound like a troll to me, but if not, OP it really sounds like you are projecting your issues onto your dd. My kids are at a very affluent private school. You can’t judge a book by its cover - some of the wealthiest families drive beater cars, their upper classmen don’t have cars and ride the bus, etc. Thr kids absolutely don’t know or care who is on financial aid or not. My kids have a few friends who openly talk about being on it but otherwise the kids have much more interesting things to talk about. It could be your dd is not fitting in bc she isn’t doing a sport. Think how many extra hours those girls spend together. At ours and many, cross country, jv soccer, and a few other jv sports are no cut. She needs to jump on one of those before it’s too far into the season. Our school recommends all new students do a fall sport bc it’s the best way to meet people in sept. There are many freshmen who have never done the sport before. It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t like running - she needs to try one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there not cross country right now? That doesn't usually have cuts and is a great way to stay active. She could also join a club swim team that's designed purely for staying in shape. Most clubs have at least one or two practice options for this goal.

She hates running, she always prefers games over running — too boring.

Yeah she can't refuse to participate in sports and complain she is overweight. It's ok to not like doing sports but then you have to accept you won't be lean like the athletic girls.
Btw this won't fly in our house our kids have to do a sport at school each season. We don't do travel or club but the least is participating in the activities offered at our public school.

That’s not true, a lot of this is genetic. I was always a toothpick but hated sports. Tons of girls at my high school were in sports but quite thick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually don’t think it’s the actual sport itself that keeps kids lean as it’s mostly diet that determines things. The benefit of a sport is that they are active AND busy. Lots of people mindlessly snack and if she has no EC she’s doing that daily most likely. Even if she did a busy EC that was non athletic it would probably help. But something out of school would also work? There are lots of rec teams. Dance studios etc.

These kids are all lean bc they have pushy parents who get them involved in activities and they have the money to do that.

+1

Keeping busy definitely prevents a lot of the mindless snacking.

Also, OP, genes…..yes rich people in the US tend to be thinner. And taller. Genetically. That advantage is amplified by increased healthy diet and exercise, yes- but genes play a large role.

TBH with you, this school sounds like a very unhealthy environment for your DD for a lot of reasons. This is probably only the tip of the iceberg. Why keep her in a school where she is so out of place and is going to have a big battle on her hands socially?? Maybe it will make her stronger- but it is just as likely to create mental health issues.

I’d rather my kid be at a school surrounded by kids focused on health and exercise than a school where drugs and violence are the norm where she might get raped in the bathroom. Not even comparable.

Bless your heart that you think private school kids don't do drugs and sexual assault.

Sorry but that’s what OP said. I assume she knows the schools in question better than you do. She isn’t worried about drugs, rape and violence at the private. She’s concerned about “fitting in”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there not cross country right now? That doesn't usually have cuts and is a great way to stay active. She could also join a club swim team that's designed purely for staying in shape. Most clubs have at least one or two practice options for this goal.

She hates running, she always prefers games over running — too boring.

Yeah she can't refuse to participate in sports and complain she is overweight. It's ok to not like doing sports but then you have to accept you won't be lean like the athletic girls.
Btw this won't fly in our house our kids have to do a sport at school each season. We don't do travel or club but the least is participating in the activities offered at our public school.

That’s not true, a lot of this is genetic. I was always a toothpick but hated sports. Tons of girls at my high school were in sports but quite thick.

This. At the HS level, look at softball, basketball, flag football. There are thick muscular athletic girls on those rosters

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just started at a small private school in 9th grade, and our DD is clearly having some issues adjusting and fitting in. We are on financial aid, so we already are different in that we are outliers in that we drive old cars and both parents work full time -- I actually have the more demanding job so DH is often the one picking up or going to school functions, and he's usually the only Dad for all those things.

But one issue I know is weighing on my DD, judging from her new interest in diet and "healthy eating", is that she is on the high end of the size scale. Honestly, our ped has been somewhat worried about here since her BMI hit 25, but we are wary since we have a family history of eating disorders (grandparents) and it seemed to have originated with the pandemic so we are hoping will wane as she grows.

Her entire school is full of thin and athletic girls, many do a demanding travel sport or even two a season -- a few girls seem to be flying for tennis tournaments every other week. Our DD was doing rec soccer until her team dissolved, and now she doesn't really have any interest in sports and says she won't make the cut for her schools team in any sport since the other students all did travel sports when they were younger.

I'm at a loss of what to do. We try and lead a healthy lifestyle, eating home cooked meals most days, packing a good home made lunch, go on family walks after dinner. I'm a healthy weight and take a yoga class on the weekend, but my DH is definitely put on the pounds in middle age (I think he is sneaking treats at work, since he eats okay at home and even goes to the gym a few days a week). Is her problem stemming from the bad modeling by my DH, should I put him on the irons to lose weight (or even go on GLP1 or something)?

Anyone have any insight into how all these svelte classmates ALL seem to keep slim? I honestly am surprised there is so little varaition; they were all sizes at our public middle school, even within the "wealthier" families. Any tips on how to get DD more active under these scenarios and push her to truly healthy eating (right now she eats too often, even if food is healthy, and is always wanting a snack).

Genetics, controlling almond moms (or dads, I guess), eating disorders, ADHD drugs, or some combo.

What’s an almond mom?

People who are incredibly disciplined about food that they eat a certain number of almonds as a snack or meal.