Reply to ASD and Empty Nesting-Accepting the Relationship With Your Child is Not the One You Wanted

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]SPCD is not ASD, which one is it? [/quote]

It was explained to us at the time that Asperger’s was no longer a diagnosis. They met the social difficulty part of ASD and sensory issues but not repetitive behaviors. Diagnosis was SPCD. This was around age 9.[/quote]

SPCD is a useless diagnosis. A lot of repetitive behaviors develop later and a lot of rigid behaviors can be present without the stereotypical autistic stims like hand flapping etc. And FWIW my kid’s repetitive behaviors are the least important in the scheme of things - they’re literally just a heightened variety of what we all do, like knee-jiggling when bored or tense.

OP since you never embraced the autism label I suggest you take one GIANT step back and do some reading of blogs and books by autistic adults. Maybe Neurotribes if you haven’t read it (RIP Steve Silberman). I think you’ve behaved absolutely abominably by dramatically cutting off your kid at a time when they may be vulnerable, and in reaction to their very age-appropriate behavior. But maybe it’s a good thing for you to get some distance to get therapy to differentiate yourself better from your kid, and also to learn about autism. [/quote]

OP did not "cut off" this kid.  OP deferred primary parenting to the kid's father, which is appropriate under these circumstances.  The kid is being supported through college, as is appropriate.

OP, you and DC should probably get some therapy individually and as a pair. This transition is rough for many families, and rougher for families of kids with ASD[/quote]

OP  sent an email to her kid declaring she wouldn’t contact her for the rest lf the semester. It was probably appropriate for her to back off but she needs to seriously examine why she is creating drama. [/quote]

She said until October parents weekend.

Look, it is typical of Asperger’s kids, teens, young adults AND adults to mask during the day in public and then lash out at home. It is devastating to their relationships - siblings, parents, roommates, significant others. Maybe friends if long exposures and no breaks.

Learning kindness, how to apologize, and how to regulate one’s emotions is at upmost priority for an HFA individual. Not dump on mom. Not avoid life. That is HER maladaptive coping mechanism.

You have to leave the room during these meltdowns. Not sit there and take it. Don’t bother trying to reason with an HFa melting down. Even via email.

My HfA kid wouldn’t talk during therapy either.  She had a different excuse every other year - that’s private, I don’t want to, who cares, I don’t know her.

By the third session the (honest) psychologists would call and say, this isn’t working let’s not waste either of our time. Good luck.

[/quote]

You sound like you’re blaming the breakdown in your relationship on autism (“an HFA,” really?) I know many kids and adults on the spectrum and this falsity that they are covert abusers is very nasty. In fact, showing a behavior only in one setting/relationship is a sign that it is a relational issue. But you seem to enjoy demonizing your daughter so I suppose that has secondary benefits for you. [/quote]

#triggered

NP[/quote]

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