Reply to DH disappears in the house leaving me alone with kids

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I divorced my ex who was just like this while my kid was very young.  This wasn't the deal breaker, but close.  I couldn't live like a married single mom for the rest of my life. The resentment between us would have messed up my child and the marriage would have ended more tumultuously than it did.

Honestly, best decision ever.  Not pushing for divorce, but [b]he won't change[/b].[/quote]

NP here. Maybe not, but it is possible to change.

When DD was really little DH would be sitting on the couch looking at his phone while I made dinner and DD screamed at me (we had a baby gate at the entrance to the kitchen). He'd also disappear randomly for hours to go to fitness classes.

Those first couple of years were rough. DH did not like being told what to do but was not particularly engaged in doing things right (e.g. not leaving DD alone on the changing table).

What has helped is:
- I told him clearly if things didn't change we would not stay married
- I demanded we set up predicable shifts for child care on the weekends. We switch it up but one of us is on in the morning and the other in the afternoon. The person not on duty is free to do they wish. No disappearing for hours during your shift.
- I really pick my battles and do not comment on his parenting unless it is a safety issue. So for example after potty training when he'd leave DD in her diaper for an hour or two in the morning even though she could use the potty just fine, I let it go.

Now things are pretty equal between us and I don't hate him.

[/quote]

I agree change is possible. But in my experience it's an uphill battle and I don't think things will ever actually be equal between us. DH is better in place than he used to be. Some stuff is the same.

What is annoying is that DH actually does contemplate sometimes what it would be like if I left him and it scares him and he'll be a great partner for a while when this happens. And then he'll get comforable and start slacking and it's not until I start complaining that he gets it together again. It's like I have to stay on him all the time or he'll take advantage which is a crap feeling.

We have a DD and I will be telling her about the importance of marrying someone who pulls their weight without being asked or cajoled into it. One reason I do actually stay on my DH is that I don't ever want to model for her that it's okay for a mother to just do it all while her partner slacks because it's easier than asking for better. I ask for better. I want my DD to know she deserves better.[/quote]

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