Explaining to parents it’s too hard to travel with them now?

[Anonymous]

I guess you have to tell them that you are taking an active vacation and not taking them with you! Highlighting the last bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you plan a low stakes long weekend with your parents? Rent a house near a beach or lake. With the understanding in your family that it'll be a slow, relaxed time with the grandparents. Books, board games, slow casual meals, kids swimming, etc.

Yeah, I just am not interested in traveling anywhere with them. Like I said, they behaved terribly in ‘19, and I even gave them a second chance and it was worse. My husband especially works too hard to be tortured this way on his vacation days, and my kids don’t deserve it either.

Presumably they raised you, put a roof over your heads, clothed you, fed you and probably paid for college?

Plan a long weekend away with them. Something low key. Your husband doesn’t have to come.

I think you should go. You sound unbearable. I hate the abuse of the presumably as well. What a smug knowitall.

Op, you're an adult. How old are you that you can't say no to your parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hot take, but I don’t think anyone is required to deal with retired parents who make travel with their working adult children difficult, and especially when they cause fights and dissension. Learn to behave or get left behind. This has to do with anyone of any age, family or not. People should know their limitations and accept them, or expect to be excluded.

So your advice is to just ignore the parents and sneak out of town? Not sure how that helps OP who has a relationship with her parents that she chooses to deal with on a regular basis.

Op is trying to work with difficult people who clearly have manipulated her her whole life. It is stunning that an adult can't speak up to their parents. I assume op is at least in her 30s and she can't successfully say no to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you plan a low stakes long weekend with your parents? Rent a house near a beach or lake. With the understanding in your family that it'll be a slow, relaxed time with the grandparents. Books, board games, slow casual meals, kids swimming, etc.

Yeah, I just am not interested in traveling anywhere with them. Like I said, they behaved terribly in ‘19, and I even gave them a second chance and it was worse. My husband especially works too hard to be tortured this way on his vacation days, and my kids don’t deserve it either.

Presumably they raised you, put a roof over your heads, clothed you, fed you and probably paid for college?

Plan a long weekend away with them. Something low key. Your husband doesn’t have to come.

This is a red herring or at least a non-sequitur. Who cares?

Again DCUM is full of ridiculously selfish people.

You mean their parents ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hot take, but I don’t think anyone is required to deal with retired parents who make travel with their working adult children difficult, and especially when they cause fights and dissension. Learn to behave or get left behind. This has to do with anyone of any age, family or not. People should know their limitations and accept them, or expect to be excluded.

So your advice is to just ignore the parents and sneak out of town? Not sure how that helps OP who has a relationship with her parents that she chooses to deal with on a regular basis.

Op is trying to work with difficult people who clearly have manipulated her her whole life. It is stunning that an adult can't speak up to their parents. I assume op is at least in her 30s and she can't successfully say no to them.

Where do you get that?

[Anonymous]

OP this is hard. First, you need to be super clear and ok with this change yourself, which is in itself hard. If you have the slightest doubt before you converse, your conversation will be hard.

You also should figure out and feel good about what you DO want with your parents. You might have the energy for a short trip them as some PPs suggested, but that may not be possible. You might want to do more family gatherings. Figure out your own boundaries and talk through with your husband. Maybe you would like to do a day trip, etc..


These will keep you from getting convinced to do something you don't want.

One thing to think about is the extent to which your parents will miss the time with you (in which case more local activities would be a good replacement) or if they miss going places and see your family as making that happen (in which case helping them look into cruises for seniors or other activities they could do well would be kind). It is probably a little of both but if it is the latter you cannot forever go on vacations to help them do so. That isn't reasonable to you, your DH or your kids. and It's ok. But you can help them by suggesting vacation ideas or finding them a good travel agent.

Once you have an understanding, I like the PP's suggestion of being direct and just saying that you will be traveling this time. You can talk about their disappointment with them but you don't have to apologize for the change. But it is kind to try to help them move forward and understand their disappointment and its source(s). Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, do not say: "Just the 4 of us," which is exclusionary.

It is literally the only point she needs to get across so if you think there is some better way to do it, I hope you suggest it.

She doesn’t need to get that point across in such a crude way but she can talk her parents out of it by pointing out how hard it will be for them, how much they will miss out on, and how she wants to go at a faster pace with more activity. Let the parents think it was their idea not to go at the end of it.

First it’s better to be polite and direct. It’s also quicker.

However, even if she did try to make it their idea, the parents may never come up with that idea.

Op may not want to be with the parents no matter what, even if they were perfect. She may just want to be with her husband and kids.

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine feeling obligated to take my parents with us on every family vacation. We see them a lot but vacations are our own getaways. Can’t you just say your family needs this time together? Do some fun local things with them so they have quality time with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, do not say: "Just the 4 of us," which is exclusionary.

It is literally the only point she needs to get across so if you think there is some better way to do it, I hope you suggest it.

She doesn’t need to get that point across in such a crude way but she can talk her parents out of it by pointing out how hard it will be for them, how much they will miss out on, and how she wants to go at a faster pace with more activity. Let the parents think it was their idea not to go at the end of it.

Maybe that would work with some parents. Others will just respond to every concern - Oh no, it won't be hard. We'll be fine. We'll rest if we get tired. We'll stay at the hotel. Don't worry about us missing out. We just want to be with you.

[Anonymous]

We're in this situation right now, and we just didn't invite my husband's mom. Afterwards, we talked about what we did and posted pictures of all the bike rides, surfing, etc. and she said that looks fun but exhausting. Turns out she didn't even want to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, do not say: "Just the 4 of us," which is exclusionary.

It is literally the only point she needs to get across so if you think there is some better way to do it, I hope you suggest it.

I have written 2 detailed posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, do not say: "Just the 4 of us," which is exclusionary.

It is literally the only point she needs to get across so if you think there is some better way to do it, I hope you suggest it.

I have written 2 detailed posts.

They were bad suggestions as to how to successfully get across the fact that she is going on vacation and the parents are not invited, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hot take, but I don’t think anyone is required to deal with retired parents who make travel with their working adult children difficult, and especially when they cause fights and dissension. Learn to behave or get left behind. This has to do with anyone of any age, family or not. People should know their limitations and accept them, or expect to be excluded.

So your advice is to just ignore the parents and sneak out of town? Not sure how that helps OP who has a relationship with her parents that she chooses to deal with on a regular basis.

Op is trying to work with difficult people who clearly have manipulated her her whole life. It is stunning that an adult can't speak up to their parents. I assume op is at least in her 30s and she can't successfully say no to them.

I think you assume a lot. OP has an active relationship and sees them often. But they don't vacation well together. It's stunning that you decided she has been "manipulated her whole life!?!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, do not say: "Just the 4 of us," which is exclusionary.

It is literally the only point she needs to get across so if you think there is some better way to do it, I hope you suggest it.

I have written 2 detailed posts.

The people from dysfunctional broken families only ever have advice to cut family off permanently. They are broken records. It's like screaming divorce over every marital issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, do not say: "Just the 4 of us," which is exclusionary.

It is literally the only point she needs to get across so if you think there is some better way to do it, I hope you suggest it.

She doesn’t need to get that point across in such a crude way but she can talk her parents out of it by pointing out how hard it will be for them, how much they will miss out on, and how she wants to go at a faster pace with more activity. Let the parents think it was their idea not to go at the end of it.

First it’s better to be polite and direct. It’s also quicker.

However, even if she did try to make it their idea, the parents may never come up with that idea.

Op may not want to be with the parents no matter what, even if they were perfect. She may just want to be with her husband and kids.

Maybe not, but it's a good starting point. Better than "just the 4 of us! Not you!"