Explaining to parents it’s too hard to travel with them now?
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Anonymous
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My parents were energetic and adventurous before they retired in 2017, and they’ve declined a little each year since then. We’ve traveled with them (DH and me, then, all of us and our children) on and off for nearly two decades, but the last two times (2019 and 2022) were the worst. In 2019 we vowed never again, but Covid happened and we sort of experienced a sort of amnesia and renewed our hope that it would still be enjoyable, but our 2022 trip together was the worst yet, and I haven’t forgotten this time.
The issues now are things like they can’t handle any travel hiccup without getting completely derailed, meals take up huge chunks of the day with timing being rigid, physical limitations that slow everyone down, can’t tolerate the slightest hint of heat or humidity. All of these things were fine when our kids were little and slow, hungry on cue, etc themselves, but now everyone just gets annoyed. Also important, these limitations lead to my parents bickering constantly and it just spoils the mood. Last time my mom stormed off and left us all alone, and then we spend a large chunk of the evening talking her down off the ledge. It’s things like that. No way we want to spend the precious time we get off from work. We have a trip planned later this summer, and I was going to wait until the last possible moment to tell my parents, but now I have to tell them because my mom is planning a birthday gathering for my dad, and it’ll be when we are gone. To make matters worse, DD just told me the last time she and grandma spoke, grandma mentioned how much fun she had the last vacation and how she can’t wait until we can all go again. I’m not worried she will be mad, I’m worried she will cancel the party and invite themselves along! Please help me formulate what I’m going to say that basically say, “Absolutely not. You two are the worst travel companions and we won’t be putting ourselves through that again this year” but in a nice way! 
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Anonymous
| Can you plan a low stakes long weekend with your parents? Rent a house near a beach or lake. With the understanding in your family that it'll be a slow, relaxed time with the grandparents. Books, board games, slow casual meals, kids swimming, etc. |
Anonymous
Yeah, I just am not interested in traveling anywhere with them. Like I said, they behaved terribly in ‘19, and I even gave them a second chance and it was worse. My husband especially works too hard to be tortured this way on his vacation days, and my kids don’t deserve it either. |
Anonymous
| Yeah you need to plan a localish 2-3 day trip that’s more low key. Maybe skiing where they can sit and watch or a lake or River house they can sit on a dock. |
Anonymous
| OP here and it should be noted we are all local, get together as a family at least once a month, and I typically visit alone with the kids 1-2 more times a month, depending. |
Anonymous
| Tell them “The kids like really active vacations these days so it’s a mismatch.” That makes it less personal. |
Anonymous
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Pps are so delusional. No, you do not have to plan a consolation trip because some adults can’t handle a ‘no’.
Can you subtly try and get her to move the date of the party? ‘Oh that weekend won’t work for us, what about the one after?’ Maybe you can kick the can down and not tell them for a little while. When/if they ask later you can pretend you already mentioned it and they must have forgotten 😂 |
Anonymous
Presumably they raised you, put a roof over your heads, clothed you, fed you and probably paid for college? Plan a long weekend away with them. Something low key. Your husband doesn’t have to come. |
Anonymous
It… doesn’t work that way. |
Anonymous
It’s still not going to replace taking a vacation with them. Just do something shorter/easier for them. |
Anonymous
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So two things:
1. Of course you don't have to have invite/allow them to come along on a trip you have planned. Just say no, kindly. Give whatever reason you want- the activities aren't compatible, you want some time with just your DH and the kids, etc. No regrets and no need to stress about it. 2. In the future, it would be nice of you to plan a short low-key getaway with them, as others have suggested. Almost everything you described is true of everyone as they get older, with the exception of the bickering, which is kinda par for the course as well. Presumably it brings them joy. This is what we do with my parents, both of whom have health/mobility issues and bicker. We do our own more active vacations, and then do an extended weekend at the beach or lake, or at a Homestead/Nemacolin type place every few years. |
Anonymous
| Is this because they don't feel comfortable traveling without you and your DH to facilitate? |
Anonymous
OP can just say no or gaslight the parents? Which one? |
Anonymous
Oh yeah that will go over like a ton of bricks! |
Anonymous
Well, then you'll have hurt feelings. The consolation trip is the way to go - preferably planned and announced before your "active" trip. If you don't want to do that, that's your right but the hurt feelings will be worse. It's not just disappointment, btw, it's feeling like they'll never travel again at all / with you. People who are confronting (or in denial about) their health and mobility problems are understandably upset to hear that things they have enjoyed will never happen again. |