Explaining to parents it’s too hard to travel with them now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I may not have mentioned it--we're going to Larlaland next month with the kids. The last few months have been so hectic; we are SO looking forward to some downtime with just the four of us."

You clearly haven't traveled with your parents for 2 decades and now suddenly are changing the game.

[Anonymous]

Whatever you do, do not say: "Just the 4 of us," which is exclusionary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’ve always taken these trips, I do think you’ll avoid hurt feelings as much as possible by being upfront and starting from a place of compassion, knowing that this will be hurtful to hear. “Our kids are older and we want to do more active trips that you will likely find difficult. Is there another way we could spend time together/travel on a different occasion so we can still keep up this tradition?”

The idea that you did something for 20 years together and now you’ve decided it’s over seems harsh. Just ask how you would want your kids to approach you in the same situation. With directives or compassion?

This. One day this may be you, OP. Treat your parents the way you hope you would be treated. This is also how your own kids will learn how to handle this.

[Anonymous]

OMG! After reading this I’m so thankful my parents have no interest in traveling with us. They are wonderful parents and grandparents and they will do anything for us but they know big family travel is a sh— show. They love to travel and they just got back from Europe but travel with little kids….not going to happen. They did take my two oldest (8 and 10) on a trip last year and they had a blast for a few days but beyond that…no.

[Anonymous]

Soon after we got married many, many years ago we went to Italy with my mother. It was a disaster and the idea of traveling with her or my parents together was never again discussed. I thought my husband was going to kill her and he had every right.

[Anonymous]

It’s not their limitations that are the issue, rather their attitude about their limitations. We’ve invited my mom to join us on several trips and we’ve all enjoyed ourselves even though she can’t do everything we want to do. But her attitude is “don’t change your plans to accommodate me.” “You guys want to take a strenuous hike? Cool, I’ll read at the cabin and look forward to seeing your pics when you get back.” Because she’s not a drama queen and is unselfish - our whole family wants to spend time with her and it doesn’t feel like a burden to plan a mix of activities that she can do with us. We took her to Acadia with us last year and we did a lot of hiking that she can’t do. But we also took scenic drives, visited a botanical garden, took a boat ride, went mini golfing, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you plan a low stakes long weekend with your parents? Rent a house near a beach or lake. With the understanding in your family that it'll be a slow, relaxed time with the grandparents. Books, board games, slow casual meals, kids swimming, etc.

Yeah, I just am not interested in traveling anywhere with them. Like I said, they behaved terribly in ‘19, and I even gave them a second chance and it was worse. My husband especially works too hard to be tortured this way on his vacation days, and my kids don’t deserve it either.

Presumably they raised you, put a roof over your heads, clothed you, fed you and probably paid for college?

Plan a long weekend away with them. Something low key. Your husband doesn’t have to come.

This is a red herring or at least a non-sequitur. Who cares?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you plan a low stakes long weekend with your parents? Rent a house near a beach or lake. With the understanding in your family that it'll be a slow, relaxed time with the grandparents. Books, board games, slow casual meals, kids swimming, etc.

Yeah, I just am not interested in traveling anywhere with them. Like I said, they behaved terribly in ‘19, and I even gave them a second chance and it was worse. My husband especially works too hard to be tortured this way on his vacation days, and my kids don’t deserve it either.

Presumably they raised you, put a roof over your heads, clothed you, fed you and probably paid for college?

Plan a long weekend away with them. Something low key. Your husband doesn’t have to come.

It… doesn’t work that way.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’ve always taken these trips, I do think you’ll avoid hurt feelings as much as possible by being upfront and starting from a place of compassion, knowing that this will be hurtful to hear. “Our kids are older and we want to do more active trips that you will likely find difficult. Is there another way we could spend time together/travel on a different occasion so we can still keep up this tradition?”

The idea that you did something for 20 years together and now you’ve decided it’s over seems harsh. Just ask how you would want your kids to approach you in the same situation. With directives or compassion?

This. One day this may be you, OP. Treat your parents the way you hope you would be treated. This is also how your own kids will learn how to handle this.

Exactly.

If your own kids see you bending to accomodate inflexible emotionally manipulative people who ruin their childhood vacations, they may hold this against you, and when planning THEIR childhood vacations, remember what a spineless twat you were and then make sure they don't bother with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you plan a low stakes long weekend with your parents? Rent a house near a beach or lake. With the understanding in your family that it'll be a slow, relaxed time with the grandparents. Books, board games, slow casual meals, kids swimming, etc.

Yeah, I just am not interested in traveling anywhere with them. Like I said, they behaved terribly in ‘19, and I even gave them a second chance and it was worse. My husband especially works too hard to be tortured this way on his vacation days, and my kids don’t deserve it either.

Presumably they raised you, put a roof over your heads, clothed you, fed you and probably paid for college?

Plan a long weekend away with them. Something low key. Your husband doesn’t have to come.

This is a red herring or at least a non-sequitur. Who cares?

We didn’t ask them to do that. It was their choice to become parents and lon these responsibilities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’ve always taken these trips, I do think you’ll avoid hurt feelings as much as possible by being upfront and starting from a place of compassion, knowing that this will be hurtful to hear. “Our kids are older and we want to do more active trips that you will likely find difficult. Is there another way we could spend time together/travel on a different occasion so we can still keep up this tradition?”

The idea that you did something for 20 years together and now you’ve decided it’s over seems harsh. Just ask how you would want your kids to approach you in the same situation. With directives or compassion?

This. One day this may be you, OP. Treat your parents the way you hope you would be treated. This is also how your own kids will learn how to handle this.

Exactly.

If your own kids see you bending to accomodate inflexible emotionally manipulative people who ruin their childhood vacations, they may hold this against you, and when planning THEIR childhood vacations, remember what a spineless twat you were and then make sure they don't bother with you.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, do not say: "Just the 4 of us," which is exclusionary.

It is literally the only point she needs to get across so if you think there is some better way to do it, I hope you suggest it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you plan a low stakes long weekend with your parents? Rent a house near a beach or lake. With the understanding in your family that it'll be a slow, relaxed time with the grandparents. Books, board games, slow casual meals, kids swimming, etc.

Yeah, I just am not interested in traveling anywhere with them. Like I said, they behaved terribly in ‘19, and I even gave them a second chance and it was worse. My husband especially works too hard to be tortured this way on his vacation days, and my kids don’t deserve it either.

Presumably they raised you, put a roof over your heads, clothed you, fed you and probably paid for college?

Plan a long weekend away with them. Something low key. Your husband doesn’t have to come.

This is a red herring or at least a non-sequitur. Who cares?

Again DCUM is full of ridiculously selfish people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, do not say: "Just the 4 of us," which is exclusionary.

It is literally the only point she needs to get across so if you think there is some better way to do it, I hope you suggest it.

She doesn’t need to get that point across in such a crude way but she can talk her parents out of it by pointing out how hard it will be for them, how much they will miss out on, and how she wants to go at a faster pace with more activity. Let the parents think it was their idea not to go at the end of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, do not say: "Just the 4 of us," which is exclusionary.

It is literally the only point she needs to get across so if you think there is some better way to do it, I hope you suggest it.

She doesn’t need to get that point across in such a crude way but she can talk her parents out of it by pointing out how hard it will be for them, how much they will miss out on, and how she wants to go at a faster pace with more activity. Let the parents think it was their idea not to go at the end of it.

Oh, I get it—your proposal is for manipulation!

Sorry, it’s not my vernacular. Hope it works out for y’all.