Explaining to parents it’s too hard to travel with them now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is it really their "behavior"? Or is it partly behavior (voluntary) but also their actual limitations, your failure to accept and plan around those limitations, and maybe some cognitive decline? Really think about this before pointing the blamey-finger.

Why does OP have to plan her annual nuclear family vacations around the limitations of her parents? That’s completely insane. The parents were lucky to have been invited and should have known their own limitations and fallen adjusted themselves accordingly; not the other way around.

She doesn't have to, but if she plans a trip without a realistic understanding of their limitations, she's creating a bad situation for herself. Either plan a trip that is realistic, or don't travel with them. Heat is dangerous for the elderly and that's not "bad behavior".

[Anonymous]

If you’ve always taken these trips, I do think you’ll avoid hurt feelings as much as possible by being upfront and starting from a place of compassion, knowing that this will be hurtful to hear. “Our kids are older and we want to do more active trips that you will likely find difficult. Is there another way we could spend time together/travel on a different occasion so we can still keep up this tradition?”

The idea that you did something for 20 years together and now you’ve decided it’s over seems harsh. Just ask how you would want your kids to approach you in the same situation. With directives or compassion?

[Anonymous]

It depends on what the trip is, probably, but you need to just say no in the kindest way possible, without lying (making up an excuse that isn't true).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you plan a low stakes long weekend with your parents? Rent a house near a beach or lake. With the understanding in your family that it'll be a slow, relaxed time with the grandparents. Books, board games, slow casual meals, kids swimming, etc.

Yeah, I just am not interested in traveling anywhere with them. Like I said, they behaved terribly in ‘19, and I even gave them a second chance and it was worse. My husband especially works too hard to be tortured this way on his vacation days, and my kids don’t deserve it either.

Presumably they raised you, put a roof over your heads, clothed you, fed you and probably paid for college?

Plan a long weekend away with them. Something low key. Your husband doesn’t have to come.

NP. Ther were a lot of things they didn't do, and that's true for every parent. This is equivalent to one of those things.

Children aren't justified in whining that they didn't get the most upgraded version of what they wanted. If you want to draw an equivalence, then of course nobody is always going to get the most star-spangled version of what they want. Come on. A monthly local vacation within everyone's means and tolerances is something you say "thank you" for, not whine and stamp your feet about.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Perhaps I wasn’t clear enough in my OP. We have done these trips for two decades, though not annually. And the trips have always been planned WITH my parent’s approval and input. I think they have a hard time coming to terms with their own limitations. As I said, they were adventurous, and I think they still want to be but can’t. They’ve changed so much in the past half decade, but especially since 2020.

[Anonymous]

^^There

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The consolation trip assumes op can spend on a vacation away and the consolation trip. That may not be possible. Or parents can pay up

Or take more time off. We were in this situation. We are both ER docs. Fil had shoulder surgery so they almost cancelled. All other siblings were going to cancel. They were all pissy towards us because we were still going to take the trip. Our time off is scheduled months in advance

[Anonymous]

I'm struggling with this myself - with parents who are becoming less mobile and children who are becoming more adventurous. I was really hoping you would have received better answers, but although we are planning an extra visit to see my parents next year as a consolation, you still need the language around WHY that is happening and no one has helped you with that. I'm really sorry OP, I do understand and wish I could help. I'm still trying to figure this out myself.

[Anonymous]

To the pp taking about how the parents raised you, etc. you keep posting this on every thread that deals with parents. It’s a bunch of horse load.

Op, did your parents take your grandparents to every vacation? If so, how did they split the time between his parents and her parents? I’m sure they didn’t.

I would say to the parents something along the lines: because the kids are super busy, we are having a hard time spending time together just the four of us, or however many are in your family. We’re also short on pto this year, so we want to spend that little time to bond with the kids.

If they push back, say that you’d love be to have them, but you really need this time with your family alone.

If they still push back just say ‘I’m sorry’. It seems hard, especially when they don’t accept it. It’s easier once you do it.

If they give you the passive aggressive attitude, pretend nothing has happened and behave with them the same, visiting, phone calls, etc.

The fact that they live nearby and you see them frequently should make it easier.

[Anonymous]

I didn't like most of what you but "invite themselves along!" Op, you are now being ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I think this board skews so unrealistic about time and money that it's really unreasonable to ask anybody for advice because they just act like the number of vacations that you can take is infinite because there's always vacation time and money available.
If we only get one vacation together as a family and my parents or my husband's parents were causing the type of issues that you're discussing I would have no problem stating that it needs to change
I'm sure you did not travel with your grandparents on every single vacation. There's a big difference between like a weekend bach vacation and a vacation to Europe that includes lots of walking and limited accommodations for elderly with significant physical health shortcomings.
These are really the only memories that you're going to get with your kids on vacation I would not be ruining them because of your parents inability to come to terms with their own declining health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the first sentence out of your mouth needs to be something like, “We are taking a vacation alone just the four of us this year. We are going to leave x date and return on y date.” If she asks why she and your dad can’t come say something like, “We have decided we want to travel just the four of us.“ Do not offer any other explanation. Every time she asks just repeat that sentence.

+1 this really doesn’t need to be a discussion. You don’t even have to give specifics beyond the dates.

[Anonymous]

You have a 20 year history of taking trips with this people. You said that all of them were planned "with parents' approval and input." The last one was in 2022. It makes complete sense that your mother would say she is looking forward to the next one.

What doesn't make sense is you think that she will invite herself along OR be upset that she is not going on this one. She just wants another trip, like she has been having for years. They may even know that they are not up for the types of trips you have taken historically and if/when you ask for their input on another trip, they will volunteer that something shorter or more low key would be best. If you say you don't have/time money for that, she may have solutions/compromises, or not.

You are making a lot of assumptions. My recommendation is that you stop. Tell them about your trip. If they do in fact "invite themselves" tell them no and tell them why. You might be surprised how beneficial that conversation could be.

[Anonymous]

OP, plenty of people on here don't understand. We did this with my parents as well for decades until my parents simply couldn't do it anymore. There were always problems, but afterwards they raved about how wonderful it was. My parents are older now and the trips are a huge part of their good memories with their kids and grandkids.

I also get that this is unfair at this point to your DH and kids.

So, I think the only thing you can do at this point is tell them that between the kids being older and them (your parents) not being as flexible, you've decided to do 2 different trips this year. One with just the kids, then another with all of you. I would tell them as soon as possible since ideally you would have told your mom while you were planning so she could have been adjusting.

Saying their feelings will be hurt isn't exactly right. It is that life is slipping by for them, and something that meant a lot to them is now over due to aging--which is scary. By addressing it as you still get to take trips, just not every one, will help with the hurt.

[Anonymous]

"I may not have mentioned it--we're going to Larlaland next month with the kids. The last few months have been so hectic; we are SO looking forward to some downtime with just the four of us."