Explaining to parents it’s too hard to travel with them now?

[Anonymous]

OP: have you ever invited your husband’s parents on vacation? The truth can be hard to hear but perhaps he is resentful because it sounds like you spend an inordinate amount of time with your parents compared to his parents.

[Anonymous]

Some pps are such pushovers. Theyd rather let OPs parents ruin her vacation than exclude them. Gosh, I can't imagine living under such circumstances. What an awful existence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, do not say: "Just the 4 of us," which is exclusionary.

It is literally the only point she needs to get across so if you think there is some better way to do it, I hope you suggest it.

She doesn’t need to get that point across in such a crude way but she can talk her parents out of it by pointing out how hard it will be for them, how much they will miss out on, and how she wants to go at a faster pace with more activity. Let the parents think it was their idea not to go at the end of it.

First it’s better to be polite and direct. It’s also quicker.

However, even if she did try to make it their idea, the parents may never come up with that idea.

Op may not want to be with the parents no matter what, even if they were perfect. She may just want to be with her husband and kids.

Maybe not, but it's a good starting point. Better than "just the 4 of us! Not you!"

You're the one adding "not you."

As the child of parents who respect the need for nuclear family alone time, if I said "we're looking forward to getting some downtime for just the four of us," my parents would not impute "Not you!" to the end of my sentence.

If you would impute "Not you!", or if OP's would, that is all the more reason why she needs to get the words "just the four of us" out of her mouth. She should do it pleasantly and warmly, but decisively.

Like a butter knife through warm butter--not like the shiv in the back some of you seem to think it is to not be invited on someone else's family vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to approach the situation with a lot more empathy and kindness. You at least need to have a conversation with your parents about it! They have traveled with you for two decades and now are too old to keep up. It will be devastating for them! It’s not like they are going to perk back up in the next few years, they are at the end of their life and are being told they are never again going to do something that brings them joy. How cruel of you and how heart breaking for them. You seem pretty gleeful about leaving them in the dust!

I don’t think you’re obligated to include them in another active vacation, but I do think you should plan an occasional trip that would work for both you and them. Surely there is SOME type of vacation that you could all enjoy? We have a similar situation with my IL. We have travelled all over the world with them, but as they hit mid-70s, they can’t handle the heat or much walking. Instead of going to Europe next summer, we are thinking about a dude ranch out west. The kids can do a horse back riding program, DH and I can go on hikes, and the ILs can stroll around the property and read books and do some activities in the lodge. Then we’ll all meet up for dinner. We’ll fly out together and we can help them with their luggage and planning the details. They spent many years in their 60s helping us carry car seats thru air ports and babysitting in hotels, we don’t mind picking up the slack now.

There are lots of options for inter general family trips - see if you can find one for next year to soften the blow of leaving them out this year.

I am not OP, but in a similar generational bind. My kids are finally old enough to do fun, strenuous outdoor activities. Like most families, we have a limited amount of vacation days, a limited budget for trips, and a limited number of years before our kids’ summer commitments for internships, jobs, and activities limit their schedules even more than they do now.

I get it that it’s sad to get older, but it’s incredibly selfish to suggest my kids shouldn’t get to experience the National parks out west or travel to Asia or Africa because grandma wants to go on a cruise or sit on the beach in Delaware.

I’m the PP you quoted. Of course you don’t skip out on the active vacations!! That is not what I suggested at all. I think think OP is being pretty callous - she hasn’t told her mom about the trip, knowing full well her parents are expecting the next vacation will include them. I think they deserve a conversation about it, and an occasional trip that can include them. You can’t spare one long weekend every two years for parents who slogged along with you for decades?

OP here. How am I being callous? I haven’t said anything to them and as said in my OP, I’m trying to find the kindest way to do so. That’s what this post is about! I DO plan on telling them, I’m trying to figure out how.

They aren’t interested in cruising, the beach, or any other vacation other than the two places we always visited together—both of which they aren’t able to do anymore. Last year I suggested a few places and they scoffed at both, so we moved on and did it ourselves. But this year we are returning to an old haunt, so it’s different.

This information would have been very helpful in your original post.