Explaining to parents it’s too hard to travel with them now?

[Anonymous]

OP, you orchestrating all of this is the most hurtful. Respect them, make your plans -- and don't talk so much about it. Make sure you see them, plenty (whatever that is you can manage), outside of your own family trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you plan a low stakes long weekend with your parents? Rent a house near a beach or lake. With the understanding in your family that it'll be a slow, relaxed time with the grandparents. Books, board games, slow casual meals, kids swimming, etc.

Yeah, I just am not interested in traveling anywhere with them. Like I said, they behaved terribly in ‘19, and I even gave them a second chance and it was worse. My husband especially works too hard to be tortured this way on his vacation days, and my kids don’t deserve it either.

Presumably they raised you, put a roof over your heads, clothed you, fed you and probably paid for college?

Plan a long weekend away with them. Something low key. Your husband doesn’t have to come.

This is a red herring or at least a non-sequitur. Who cares?

We didn’t ask them to do that. It was their choice to become parents and lon these responsibilities

So if you have friends who host you for a week at their beach house or throw you a baby shower, then you owe them no courtesies because it was “their choice?” Typically, good people try to treat others well, especially if those others have extended kindness to them.

[Anonymous]

I've been dealing with something similar with my aging parents. Slight difference in that we enjoy traveling with them but their mobility issues really limit their activities. We have settled on cruises. That way we can do different activities and still come together for meals and shows. My parents seemed a little miffed at first when we rejected the bus tour excursions and did our own more high adventure activities. But now they get it. We are doing one over the holidays together and I suspect my parents may not get off the boat. We keep them updated on what we're doing throughout the day and sometimes they come watch and sometimes they do their own thing. Its honestly been hard for them to accept their more limited mobility as they've always been avid travelers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you plan a low stakes long weekend with your parents? Rent a house near a beach or lake. With the understanding in your family that it'll be a slow, relaxed time with the grandparents. Books, board games, slow casual meals, kids swimming, etc.

Yeah, I just am not interested in traveling anywhere with them. Like I said, they behaved terribly in ‘19, and I even gave them a second chance and it was worse. My husband especially works too hard to be tortured this way on his vacation days, and my kids don’t deserve it either.

Well, there's your answer. Just tell them what you wrote here and deal with whatever fallout comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So two things:

1. Of course you don't have to have invite/allow them to come along on a trip you have planned. Just say no, kindly. Give whatever reason you want- the activities aren't compatible, you want some time with just your DH and the kids, etc. No regrets and no need to stress about it.

2. In the future, it would be nice of you to plan a short low-key getaway with them, as others have suggested. Almost everything you described is true of everyone as they get older, with the exception of the bickering, which is kinda par for the course as well. Presumably it brings them joy. This is what we do with my parents, both of whom have health/mobility issues and bicker. We do our own more active vacations, and then do an extended weekend at the beach or lake, or at a Homestead/Nemacolin type place every few years.

This. You are in store for more bickering if you can't find a solution like this.

[Anonymous]

My parents don't want to spend any time with any of their three kids or any of their grandchildren. They pretend like they love us but only visit every two years for a 36 hour duty trip.

Things can never be perfect. Appreciate them and be grateful they actually want to spend time with you and your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you plan a low stakes long weekend with your parents? Rent a house near a beach or lake. With the understanding in your family that it'll be a slow, relaxed time with the grandparents. Books, board games, slow casual meals, kids swimming, etc.

Yeah, I just am not interested in traveling anywhere with them. Like I said, they behaved terribly in ‘19, and I even gave them a second chance and it was worse. My husband especially works too hard to be tortured this way on his vacation days, and my kids don’t deserve it either.

Presumably they raised you, put a roof over your heads, clothed you, fed you and probably paid for college?

Plan a long weekend away with them. Something low key. Your husband doesn’t have to come.

It… doesn’t work that way.

They have probably babysat the grandchildren a lot too. Now that the kids are older, OP has probably forgotten that.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to approach the situation with a lot more empathy and kindness. You at least need to have a conversation with your parents about it! They have traveled with you for two decades and now are too old to keep up. It will be devastating for them! It’s not like they are going to perk back up in the next few years, they are at the end of their life and are being told they are never again going to do something that brings them joy. How cruel of you and how heart breaking for them. You seem pretty gleeful about leaving them in the dust!

I don’t think you’re obligated to include them in another active vacation, but I do think you should plan an occasional trip that would work for both you and them. Surely there is SOME type of vacation that you could all enjoy? We have a similar situation with my IL. We have travelled all over the world with them, but as they hit mid-70s, they can’t handle the heat or much walking. Instead of going to Europe next summer, we are thinking about a dude ranch out west. The kids can do a horse back riding program, DH and I can go on hikes, and the ILs can stroll around the property and read books and do some activities in the lodge. Then we’ll all meet up for dinner. We’ll fly out together and we can help them with their luggage and planning the details. They spent many years in their 60s helping us carry car seats thru air ports and babysitting in hotels, we don’t mind picking up the slack now.

There are lots of options for inter general family trips - see if you can find one for next year to soften the blow of leaving them out this year.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who can’t imagine vacationing with my parents for 20 years? Did they tag along on your honeymoon:too? And, for the record, I got along very well with my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you plan a low stakes long weekend with your parents? Rent a house near a beach or lake. With the understanding in your family that it'll be a slow, relaxed time with the grandparents. Books, board games, slow casual meals, kids swimming, etc.

Yeah, I just am not interested in traveling anywhere with them. Like I said, they behaved terribly in ‘19, and I even gave them a second chance and it was worse. My husband especially works too hard to be tortured this way on his vacation days, and my kids don’t deserve it either.

Well, there's your answer. Just tell them what you wrote here and deal with whatever fallout comes.

My mom has acted horribly on past vacations by just making drama and getting upset about stupid stuff. I no longer invite her. My MIL has serious mobility issues. We just don't invite them and only mention our trips so they know where we'll be. Sometimes it's a little weird, but I figure if they really wanted to travel with us, nothing is stopping them from arranging a vacation of their own and inviting us.

[Anonymous]

I talk up the things we have planned that they fully know they cannot or will not do - long flights, snorkeling off a boat, kayaking, strenuous hikes, camping, etc.

We have one weekend a year where we plan a vacation with my parents and we rent a house and sit on the beach for 3-4 days.

Getting old sucks. It sucks more for my overweight, sedentary parents because we do vacation with my husband’s parents who are the same age but still willing and able to ride bikes, go hiking, go skiing, etc. They are not as fast or nimble as they used to be, but they are enjoyable to travel with and we don’t have to completely curtail doing fun things our kids enjoy to accommodate limited mobility, adults who take afternoon naps, and 5pm dinners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to approach the situation with a lot more empathy and kindness. You at least need to have a conversation with your parents about it! They have traveled with you for two decades and now are too old to keep up. It will be devastating for them! It’s not like they are going to perk back up in the next few years, they are at the end of their life and are being told they are never again going to do something that brings them joy. How cruel of you and how heart breaking for them. You seem pretty gleeful about leaving them in the dust!

I don’t think you’re obligated to include them in another active vacation, but I do think you should plan an occasional trip that would work for both you and them. Surely there is SOME type of vacation that you could all enjoy? We have a similar situation with my IL. We have travelled all over the world with them, but as they hit mid-70s, they can’t handle the heat or much walking. Instead of going to Europe next summer, we are thinking about a dude ranch out west. The kids can do a horse back riding program, DH and I can go on hikes, and the ILs can stroll around the property and read books and do some activities in the lodge. Then we’ll all meet up for dinner. We’ll fly out together and we can help them with their luggage and planning the details. They spent many years in their 60s helping us carry car seats thru air ports and babysitting in hotels, we don’t mind picking up the slack now.

There are lots of options for inter general family trips - see if you can find one for next year to soften the blow of leaving them out this year.

I am not OP, but in a similar generational bind. My kids are finally old enough to do fun, strenuous outdoor activities. Like most families, we have a limited amount of vacation days, a limited budget for trips, and a limited number of years before our kids’ summer commitments for internships, jobs, and activities limit their schedules even more than they do now.

I get it that it’s sad to get older, but it’s incredibly selfish to suggest my kids shouldn’t get to experience the National parks out west or travel to Asia or Africa because grandma wants to go on a cruise or sit on the beach in Delaware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to approach the situation with a lot more empathy and kindness. You at least need to have a conversation with your parents about it! They have traveled with you for two decades and now are too old to keep up. It will be devastating for them! It’s not like they are going to perk back up in the next few years, they are at the end of their life and are being told they are never again going to do something that brings them joy. How cruel of you and how heart breaking for them. You seem pretty gleeful about leaving them in the dust!

I don’t think you’re obligated to include them in another active vacation, but I do think you should plan an occasional trip that would work for both you and them. Surely there is SOME type of vacation that you could all enjoy? We have a similar situation with my IL. We have travelled all over the world with them, but as they hit mid-70s, they can’t handle the heat or much walking. Instead of going to Europe next summer, we are thinking about a dude ranch out west. The kids can do a horse back riding program, DH and I can go on hikes, and the ILs can stroll around the property and read books and do some activities in the lodge. Then we’ll all meet up for dinner. We’ll fly out together and we can help them with their luggage and planning the details. They spent many years in their 60s helping us carry car seats thru air ports and babysitting in hotels, we don’t mind picking up the slack now.

There are lots of options for inter general family trips - see if you can find one for next year to soften the blow of leaving them out this year.

I am not OP, but in a similar generational bind. My kids are finally old enough to do fun, strenuous outdoor activities. Like most families, we have a limited amount of vacation days, a limited budget for trips, and a limited number of years before our kids’ summer commitments for internships, jobs, and activities limit their schedules even more than they do now.

I get it that it’s sad to get older, but it’s incredibly selfish to suggest my kids shouldn’t get to experience the National parks out west or travel to Asia or Africa because grandma wants to go on a cruise or sit on the beach in Delaware.

I’m the PP you quoted. Of course you don’t skip out on the active vacations!! That is not what I suggested at all. I think think OP is being pretty callous - she hasn’t told her mom about the trip, knowing full well her parents are expecting the next vacation will include them. I think they deserve a conversation about it, and an occasional trip that can include them. You can’t spare one long weekend every two years for parents who slogged along with you for decades?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you plan a low stakes long weekend with your parents? Rent a house near a beach or lake. With the understanding in your family that it'll be a slow, relaxed time with the grandparents. Books, board games, slow casual meals, kids swimming, etc.

Yeah, I just am not interested in traveling anywhere with them. Like I said, they behaved terribly in ‘19, and I even gave them a second chance and it was worse. My husband especially works too hard to be tortured this way on his vacation days, and my kids don’t deserve it either.

Presumably they raised you, put a roof over your heads, clothed you, fed you and probably paid for college?

Plan a long weekend away with them. Something low key. Your husband doesn’t have to come.

It… doesn’t work that way.

They have probably babysat the grandchildren a lot too. Now that the kids are older, OP has probably forgotten that.

OP here. You don’t know me, so stop assuming you do. I help my parents in many, many other ways, whenever they ask. Vacationing isn’t the only way you can reciprocate your parents paying for college, feeding you as a child, or babysitting your children (which my parents never did, actually.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to approach the situation with a lot more empathy and kindness. You at least need to have a conversation with your parents about it! They have traveled with you for two decades and now are too old to keep up. It will be devastating for them! It’s not like they are going to perk back up in the next few years, they are at the end of their life and are being told they are never again going to do something that brings them joy. How cruel of you and how heart breaking for them. You seem pretty gleeful about leaving them in the dust!

I don’t think you’re obligated to include them in another active vacation, but I do think you should plan an occasional trip that would work for both you and them. Surely there is SOME type of vacation that you could all enjoy? We have a similar situation with my IL. We have travelled all over the world with them, but as they hit mid-70s, they can’t handle the heat or much walking. Instead of going to Europe next summer, we are thinking about a dude ranch out west. The kids can do a horse back riding program, DH and I can go on hikes, and the ILs can stroll around the property and read books and do some activities in the lodge. Then we’ll all meet up for dinner. We’ll fly out together and we can help them with their luggage and planning the details. They spent many years in their 60s helping us carry car seats thru air ports and babysitting in hotels, we don’t mind picking up the slack now.

There are lots of options for inter general family trips - see if you can find one for next year to soften the blow of leaving them out this year.

I am not OP, but in a similar generational bind. My kids are finally old enough to do fun, strenuous outdoor activities. Like most families, we have a limited amount of vacation days, a limited budget for trips, and a limited number of years before our kids’ summer commitments for internships, jobs, and activities limit their schedules even more than they do now.

I get it that it’s sad to get older, but it’s incredibly selfish to suggest my kids shouldn’t get to experience the National parks out west or travel to Asia or Africa because grandma wants to go on a cruise or sit on the beach in Delaware.

I’m the PP you quoted. Of course you don’t skip out on the active vacations!! That is not what I suggested at all. I think think OP is being pretty callous - she hasn’t told her mom about the trip, knowing full well her parents are expecting the next vacation will include them. I think they deserve a conversation about it, and an occasional trip that can include them. You can’t spare one long weekend every two years for parents who slogged along with you for decades?

OP here. How am I being callous? I haven’t said anything to them and as said in my OP, I’m trying to find the kindest way to do so. That’s what this post is about! I DO plan on telling them, I’m trying to figure out how.

They aren’t interested in cruising, the beach, or any other vacation other than the two places we always visited together—both of which they aren’t able to do anymore. Last year I suggested a few places and they scoffed at both, so we moved on and did it ourselves. But this year we are returning to an old haunt, so it’s different.