How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?

[Anonymous]

I would think that they just don't like DC. It's not the right place for their industry, it's too humid, and the housing prices are just insane given the many down sides of living here. I work in federal policy and have lived here 20 years, and even so, if I had to buy a home here now, I don't think I would do it. Because even in a bad school district and bad neighborhood, it's over a million for a family home. No thanks.

But it might also be your divorce. You can't just swap in another man and expect life to proceed as if he were their father. If their father is alive and lives elsewhere, they may not want to choose one parent over the other. If they dislike your new husband, or if it's annoying to them how you're always trying to make the Happy Blended Family thing happen, then they'll just avoid. Adult children of divorce often react to pressure by avoiding and disengaging. If they are feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of doing eldercare for their parents in different locations as well as their step-parents, all the more reason to stay distant and avoid a family-like relationship with your new husband. You might be thinking that you and your new husband have a lot to offer, but that comes with the expectation of eldercare and they might not want to be on the hook for it for an extra adult.

You also need to consider if your childcare knowledge is up-to-date, and if you have a bad habit of criticizing, even if you think you're just subtly making suggestions, they know perfectly well what you're up to and so do their wives.

[Anonymous]

I would think they don't like DC-- it's important to remember they aren't from DC and have no friends or emotional attachment to it. You like it because you already live here and you're choosing to prioritize your husband's career needs. Just like they want to be in the best place for their industry.

But also, they probably just don't want that kind of relationship with you. Grandparent "help" with childcare usually comes with a lot of strings attached, and requires the AC to accept a lot of out-of-date methods and a lot of screen time. And being near you will come with the expectation of spending a lot more time with you socially, so they might not be any less exhausted even if you do provide some childcare. My ILs moved near my BIL and his three children, and he and his wife absolutely hate it. Yes there's some childcare help, but it's only when the ILs can fit it into their "busy" schedule of mahjongg and golf, so it's not reliable. And it comes with the expectation of a lot of family get-togethers and also that BIL will help them with all kinds of household chores. It's not saving BIL and his wife any time or hassle, it's just trading one set of problems for another. And of course, BIL and his wife are the first responders for any and all medical issues. You think you won't have them soon, but you will-- that's how life goes in your 50s and 60s. So it doesn't surprise me at all that your kids don't want to make this deal.

[Anonymous]

It would be foolish of them to move to DC unless they're 100% certain you want to live here forever. Lots of people move to lower-cost areas when they retire. And if your new husband has ACs and grandkids of his own, you and he might want to move near them instead. If your ACs sacrificed Seattle/SF to be near you, and then you up and moved, that would be a huge problem for them.

This is what divorce does-- stretches the family over far too many households and too many competing, non-aligned interests. The only sensible thing for adult children to do is rely on themselves and avoid the divorce complexity as much as they can.

[Anonymous]

How do their spouses feel about you , OP?

Here’s what this looks like from the other side.

I’m married to someone with a remote job who goes into the DC office once a week. We moved here before his job turned fully remote. His parents happen to live in DC - mom moved here when he was in college and remarried. He has no connections or childhood friends here. The relationship with the stepfather is polite, but formal and lacking in any shared history or real affection.

We had a kid and the help from my MIL has been wonderful. However she has a busy social life and her own projects, hobbies and taking care of DC is only one part of her life. This means I am still the primary care giver and cannot go back to work. Now that DC is a little older we are moving to Boston where husband and I lived previously for many years and loved. We also believe that it’s a better place to raise our kids longterm for a variety of reasons.

MIL is upset at this decision. She has tries to influence and delay our move through a variety of indirect and passive aggressive ways. This has caused tension in our relationship, which guess what, makes us want to move even more. What we’ve realized is that as much as we love the childcare help (weekly date nights, I get a break during the week), it comes with seeing a lot of MIL and the stepfather, and their constant involvement in our life which isn’t great for the health of our relationship. In addition we genuinely prefer Boston over DC.

Your AC have already told you part of the reason - they don’t like DC and as many apps point out, they aren’t unreasonable in this preference. Your childcare help may not be enough to overweigh their other preferences, and it doesn’t help that they don’t even have history with your spouse and DC.

[Anonymous]

My father left his Asian country of origin to settle in Europe. I left my European country of birth to settle in the US. My kids will go where their lives take them.

Stop being a stick-in-the-mud.

[Anonymous]

Where did your children grow up, OP?

A lot of people, once they have kids, want to raise them in a place where they feel some sense of history and connection. This could be where they grew up, where they went to college, where they worked upon graduation etc. it’s a tall order to expect your children to settle in DC if they have no history here just for childcare help. Yes, it’s a big deal but the early years are finite. You sound like the type who would be upset and passive aggressive if your children decided to leave after the early years, and guilt them for “using you just for help.” It’s funny you unabashedly said your husband’s job and your own career are too important for you to leave. The world does not revolve around you!

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are only in DC for your husband (their stepfather's) job. Why should your AC build their lives around their stepfather's choices and circumstances? What happens if their stepfather retires or changes jobs? Do you follow him somewhere else? Your expectations are really unreasonable given the circumstances you describe.

[Anonymous]

I will say we do like living near my husband’s parents. They only help us when it’s convenient for them. However they also make zero demands of us. We did not move to be near them. They bought a second home close to us and spend about half the year in their second home whenever they want to. They always ask about our schedules and only volunteer with aftercare when it’s convenient for all. The children adore them.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd love to have my cake and eat it too. Get divorced, marry a new man, live somewhere where I have a great career and friends, AND my children follow me here, come over for dinner every Sunday, and bring the grandkids over when I'm not busy doing other things.

Great life!

[Anonymous]

Goal - raise happy, healthy, independent children.

Wait! Not that independent.

[Anonymous]

We plan to buy a condo wherever our children settle if they are open to it. We hope to be helpful, hands on grandparents. We have a lot of grandparent support now and hope that our children choose spouses that like us so that we can be the same way. my mother and MIL babysit often and provide very helpful backup care to our care providers and give us overnights away all the time. I want to do the same for my kids if they are willing.

Our plan B is to buy a beach place and hope that free vacations will entice them to come spend time with us, LOL.

[Anonymous]

We have three AC who live within 45 minutes of us. First, they grew up in this area and they like it. We are far from DC. Second, we’ve always had a great relationship with them so they like to have us around. Third, they are great friends and like that they are near each other and for their children to be near their cousins. It would be hard on all of us if one needed to move away and hopefully it’s a bridge we won’t have to cross. Our grandchildren are all young and we adore them and they love spending time with us especially with sleep overs. So I think it started with a very loving family in an area with plenty of career opportunities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would always want to live near my mom- but some stepfather I didn’t really know who was now a package deal with her would make other places more attractive.

You chose other over your kids, you can’t be surprised when they choose other over you.

WTH , this is not about you and your bad relationship with your momma.

I know, as I have a very close relationship with my mom, who is married to my dad. I was using a tool called empathy, putting myself in the position of OPs kids. I think if mom was single they might stay, or if she was married and they were close with dad. But mom is essentially “handed off” and then care of and they might not like this guy who she considers a “stepfather” to adult kids

[Anonymous]

From a pp,

You yourself have completely created a new life with a new spouse and a new city.

DC is not their home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two AC who are fully launched, stable jobs, good spouses. One has a young child and plans to have more. They both work in tech and had the opportunity to live in DC (or MD/VA) and work out of the offices here, but instead one chose to live in Seattle, the other in San Francisco. I admit I was a little hurt by this, especially the AC who had a kid last year and knows we would have been happy to be hands-on, helpful grandparents. My relationship with both children are pretty good, they call home regularly, visit for the holidays, and generally welcomed my visit to their city. But it seems like they do not want to live close to us.

We have casually discussed this and both AC mentioned not liking DC much (they didn't grow up here, I moved here after they were already in college). I understand this but I also hear about AC who actively move to be closer to parents so they can get help with childcare (both from places like DCUM and my own circle of friends). The AC with the baby does seem regularly exhausted and could use more help, so I often wonder if there's more to just him "not liking DC." I have wondered if it's partly due to my divorce and later remarriage, which took place when both AC were in college so they do not have a close relationship with my husband, their stepfather. I've also never had the kind of affectionate, relaxed relationship with my children. They are respectful and courteous, but they do not confide in me or show affection in the way I have seen some AC still do with their parents.

So those of you who have AC who happily relocated to be near you (and NOT because you need or requested elder care - we're not even close to that yet), what kind of relationship do you have with them? Was it for help with childcare or just to be able to spend more time with you?

If my children had the option of living in Seattle or San Francisco, they would not be in DC. I'm happy they are close to me, but they regularly lament being tied to this city due to their jobs. OP, be proud and happy that your children have flexible jobs and can live in awesome places like Seattle and California....