Becoming invisible to men at 50

[Anonymous]

I’m 64 and I don’t see this as an issue. I think it’s very lucky that I am very outgoing and very curious plus a good listener. People enjoy talking with me. I’m happily married which helps. I’m quite attractive for my age but I’ve never worried about being invisible.

[Anonymous]

Can’t you replace the interest in beauty with just phenomenal style and good conversation. Happy people attract conversation.

[Anonymous]

I think this is really dependent on your industry and other socio-cultural factors (like the legal market in NYC is probably different than Boston or DC, and it's certainly different in Big Law versus Legal Aid; it may be different at a high end private school function versus a schlumpy public school...).

It's a thing. Whether it's a big thing or a small thing depends on a lot of different factors. I think you need to decide whether you care enough to fight through it, or whether this is another middle aged DNGAF moment. I always think of the Wanda Sykes special where she says something like that menopause is like a sudden window into what it's like to be a man ... all of a sudden, you just DNGAF what other people think of you. Most of us spent most of our youth worried about if we were getting enough attention, the right kind of attention, etc....at some point, it's kind of nice just to be like ... no one cares if I'm at this dumb cocktail party, so I'm going to get the good circulating snacks and then take off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is really dependent on your industry and other socio-cultural factors (like the legal market in NYC is probably different than Boston or DC, and it's certainly different in Big Law versus Legal Aid; it may be different at a high end private school function versus a schlumpy public school...).

It's a thing. Whether it's a big thing or a small thing depends on a lot of different factors. I think you need to decide whether you care enough to fight through it, or whether this is another middle aged DNGAF moment. I always think of the Wanda Sykes special where she says something like that menopause is like a sudden window into what it's like to be a man ... all of a sudden, you just DNGAF what other people think of you. Most of us spent most of our youth worried about if we were getting enough attention, the right kind of attention, etc....at some point, it's kind of nice just to be like ... no one cares if I'm at this dumb cocktail party, so I'm going to get the good circulating snacks and then take off.

OP. Thank you! Your first post is super on point. My worlds are "tech-start-up" and "fancy private school." Neither are particularly kind to aging women.

Your second point is great too except the part about "decide whether you care enough to fight through it." I don't think there's anything I can do to fight this. My hair, body and wardrobe are about as good as they can be at this point. My conversation skills are strong (at least with women who seem to always like me). I'm not going to recapture any feminine mystique I once had. My post was more an observation than anything. A giant, "HUH."

[Anonymous]

I was so young looking in my 20s that many people thought I was in HS and I hated it. I think I finally hit my peak hotness in my early 40s and while I now have some crow lines the rest of me is still pretty good at age 52. My daughters are in their mid 20s and we often swap clothes. I’m not trying to look like a 20 something but I can still glam it up. My husband never complains.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was so young looking in my 20s that many people thought I was in HS and I hated it. I think I finally hit my peak hotness in my early 40s and while I now have some crow lines the rest of me is still pretty good at age 52. My daughters are in their mid 20s and we often swap clothes. I’m not trying to look like a 20 something but I can still glam it up. My husband never complains.

It’s nice to see that your ego has remained intact. Lol. Such a bizarre and narcissistic response to OP’s post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 56 and let my hair go gray 8 years ago and I don't find this to be true at all. Maybe that's what you are expecting so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Or maybe you are letting your age bother you and you don't smile much anymore.

Telling women to smile more irrates us; however, there is no denying the fact that men like us better when we smile. I smile a lot, sometimes because I feel happy but more often because I have a funny inner dialogue. I am 52 and find that men still like talking to me. I don't feel invisible at all.

[Anonymous]

Some men find Old Maids, like yourself attractive. Just be patient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who works in a male dominated field, I am surprised you haven’t acquired thicker skin. I have had men assume I am support staff and asking to bring coffee or addressing me as sweetheart, now that was truly mortifying. Being invisible is not so bad, if you bring value to the conversation the right people will recognize it.

I'm in my early 50s and I haven't had this problem this at all. I hated when I was in my late 20s/early 30s and was not being taken seriously by men in my field. I was cute, female, and looked younger than I was, and didn't get any respect for those reasons.

So I guess I had the opposite problem, and am much happier with how I am perceived and treated now. As a professional. With respect.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you and some of these responses seem bitter. I’m 43 and and I’m starting to see a difference. It’s INCREDIBLY naive to think that OP must be boring or doing something wrong because she’s noticed a shift in the vibe she gets from men. That is the reality.

Maybe I have been lucky- I have worked hard for my professional success but I have absolutely benefited from “pretty privilege”. It is what it is. Being attractive is a draw for most people. Even those who aren’t trying to hook up; it’s subconscious, it’s just part of how human brains work.

I’ll admit it- I saw a change in the amount of notice I’ve gotten from men over the last few years and I understand and accept it’s part of aging. But OP- you can mitigate the change. I started on HRT and saw my skin improve, I lost the bit of weight I’d gained on my stomach, then lost another 15 lbs to get back to my happy size (4) where I know my body looks its best. I stepped up my workouts (nothing crazy, just added more strength training), I spend more time on my hair and went a little lighter (and cover any grey). I also broke out of the Covid era habit I had developed of dressing super comfy with no makeup.

I don’t show lots of skin but I wear body flattering clothing and basic makeup most days. The change in how people react has been noticeable. I think you can both accept that you’re getting older and look polished and attractive.

A lot of women over 40ish around here just seem to not care about how they present to the world. Totally cool- but 100% it makes a difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some men find Old Maids, like yourself attractive. Just be patient.

lol, sound attempt at a dig. OP stated they are married with kids- hence “old maid” doesn’t apply.

Everyone is so rude on this thread. I guess because OP seems to have gotten “pretty privilege” most of her life? It’s real and if you had it or still have it it is powerful. Losing it makes you realize you are in fact, losing part of yourself. It’s not fun. If you feel like it never applied to you- congrats, aging may not bother you. Please enjoy the the struggle of other women who are grappling with something you don’t have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some men find Old Maids, like yourself attractive. Just be patient.

Some men are damaged enough to find mean spirited people, like yourself, attractive. Just be patient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear you and some of these responses seem bitter. I’m 43 and and I’m starting to see a difference. It’s INCREDIBLY naive to think that OP must be boring or doing something wrong because she’s noticed a shift in the vibe she gets from men. That is the reality.

Maybe I have been lucky- I have worked hard for my professional success but I have absolutely benefited from “pretty privilege”. It is what it is. Being attractive is a draw for most people. Even those who aren’t trying to hook up; it’s subconscious, it’s just part of how human brains work.

I’ll admit it- I saw a change in the amount of notice I’ve gotten from men over the last few years and I understand and accept it’s part of aging. But OP- you can mitigate the change. I started on HRT and saw my skin improve, I lost the bit of weight I’d gained on my stomach, then lost another 15 lbs to get back to my happy size (4) where I know my body looks its best. I stepped up my workouts (nothing crazy, just added more strength training), I spend more time on my hair and went a little lighter (and cover any grey). I also broke out of the Covid era habit I had developed of dressing super comfy with no makeup.

I don’t show lots of skin but I wear body flattering clothing and basic makeup most days. The change in how people react has been noticeable. I think you can both accept that you’re getting older and look polished and attractive.

A lot of women over 40ish around here just seem to not care about how they present to the world. Totally cool- but 100% it makes a difference.

So…do everything you can to maintain your privilege as long as you can? I thought this was the liberating age of not caring what other people think?

Either be interesting enough that people want to talk to you regardless of how you look, or stop caring that people don’t want to talk to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear you and some of these responses seem bitter. I’m 43 and and I’m starting to see a difference. It’s INCREDIBLY naive to think that OP must be boring or doing something wrong because she’s noticed a shift in the vibe she gets from men. That is the reality.

Maybe I have been lucky- I have worked hard for my professional success but I have absolutely benefited from “pretty privilege”. It is what it is. Being attractive is a draw for most people. Even those who aren’t trying to hook up; it’s subconscious, it’s just part of how human brains work.

I’ll admit it- I saw a change in the amount of notice I’ve gotten from men over the last few years and I understand and accept it’s part of aging. But OP- you can mitigate the change. I started on HRT and saw my skin improve, I lost the bit of weight I’d gained on my stomach, then lost another 15 lbs to get back to my happy size (4) where I know my body looks its best. I stepped up my workouts (nothing crazy, just added more strength training), I spend more time on my hair and went a little lighter (and cover any grey). I also broke out of the Covid era habit I had developed of dressing super comfy with no makeup.

I don’t show lots of skin but I wear body flattering clothing and basic makeup most days. The change in how people react has been noticeable. I think you can both accept that you’re getting older and look polished and attractive.

A lot of women over 40ish around here just seem to not care about how they present to the world. Totally cool- but 100% it makes a difference.

Our responses seem bitter? Lots of people are giving OP advice on being more engaging in a *professional* atmosphere. By contrast, you’ve suggested losing weight and wearing tight clothes.

[Anonymous]

I know what you mean. But the same time it is a blessing. Because it allows me to immediately weed out people not worth talking to.