Awkward friend situation

[Anonymous]

My guess is that this person is kind of socially aggressive generally (like it's interesting she's suddenly friends with you other group of friends outside this sport--- not malicious or anything, but she sounds like the sort of person who is good at kind of pushing her way into a social circle).


It probably just means she's very friendly which sure could mean socially aggressive but at the same time this person never did invite OP anywhere. OP invited her and then stopped inviting. So this person isn't stopping inviting OP. She just never did in the first place. It sounds like a town where people meet each other all the time. The person didn't push into OP's circle. They probably didn't know this other friend was a good friend of OP's or they thought this was a commonality between them. OP sounds very formal and easily put off my minor issues. I remember so many moms like this at birthday parties who would just be a Debbie downer about something while the birthday mom was just trying to keep the 20 kids invited safe and the party moving along. If the woman isn't mean and just didn't follow OP's protocol for manners than I just don't see this being a huge issue. Why make an awkward situation out of it? Just don't invite her again one on one. What will likely happen is that OP will be the one shut out of get togethers because she has this hang up that moms who hang out have to have all this formality with their get togethers. She sounds very young. Most moms realize they are very busy people and make forgiveness for this sort of thing or are happy to have others join in and just prioritize the fun experiences and social inclusion over the etiquette.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused -- was this a love interest thing at the begining?

I don't think OP has clarified. Maybe it was on OP's part but not the other person which is why she invited others to deflect?

[Anonymous]

OP Once I invited a bunch of moms out knowing two of my friends were also going and we had all agreed to go out. One mom wrote back. "I'm not interested". For years I thought this woman didn't like me, but it tuns out she's been friendly over the years to me and just don't like to socialize. Our kids are still friends. We are not close, but we get along. Just understand this person you are dealing with has a different way of doing things. Her actions are understandably rude to you but likely not meant to be rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that this person is kind of socially aggressive generally (like it's interesting she's suddenly friends with you other group of friends outside this sport--- not malicious or anything, but she sounds like the sort of person who is good at kind of pushing her way into a social circle).


It probably just means she's very friendly which sure could mean socially aggressive but at the same time this person never did invite OP anywhere. OP invited her and then stopped inviting. So this person isn't stopping inviting OP. She just never did in the first place. It sounds like a town where people meet each other all the time. The person didn't push into OP's circle. They probably didn't know this other friend was a good friend of OP's or they thought this was a commonality between them. OP sounds very formal and easily put off my minor issues. I remember so many moms like this at birthday parties who would just be a Debbie downer about something while the birthday mom was just trying to keep the 20 kids invited safe and the party moving along. If the woman isn't mean and just didn't follow OP's protocol for manners than I just don't see this being a huge issue. Why make an awkward situation out of it? Just don't invite her again one on one. What will likely happen is that OP will be the one shut out of get togethers because she has this hang up that moms who hang out have to have all this formality with their get togethers. She sounds very young. Most moms realize they are very busy people and make forgiveness for this sort of thing or are happy to have others join in and just prioritize the fun experiences and social inclusion over the etiquette.

Maybe. But I've been in a similar situation and I live in a major city and people don't all just know each other. The person in question was kind of a user who was socially aggressive, and would use even a tenuous connection with one person in a group to sort of insinuate herself into the group. She did this through multiple consecutive groups. I don't really know why. It wasn't really social climbing as everyone involved was vaguely at the same level in terms of jobs, background, money, etc. I guess I'd describe her as a bit of a user.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused -- was this a love interest thing at the begining?


I don't think OP has clarified. Maybe it was on OP's part but not the other person which is why she invited others to deflect?

No, definitely not! But I can see why others were confused, my best friend (part of the group I mentioned) and I do talk about friendships in terms of trying people out and seeing if there is a connection, which might be more akin to how others discuss dating.
And I wouldn't have minded the other women attending, but I felt disregarded by the fact that she didn't send me a text to ask first. But perhaps another poster is right and she thought she had but forgot. Anyway, the larger issue is that we don't have a ton in common, besides the sport. A few comments she made about my stepson (a very shy teenager) made it clear we just have a different way of looking at the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Once I invited a bunch of moms out knowing two of my friends were also going and we had all agreed to go out. One mom wrote back. "I'm not interested". For years I thought this woman didn't like me, but it tuns out she's been friendly over the years to me and just don't like to socialize. Our kids are still friends. We are not close, but we get along. Just understand this person you are dealing with has a different way of doing things. Her actions are understandably rude to you but likely not meant to be rude.

This is not the same thing though. The mom you are talking about was just direct. She wasn't interested in that outing and said "I am not interested." It could be considered rude, yes, but the alternative was for her to lie (I'm busy, oh I'd love to but I'm not feeling well, whatever). Instead she just told the truth and you were understandably a little put off. But then her behavior remained consisted and eventually you realized, oh, she just doesn't do gatherings like this. Okay.

OP's situation is different. This woman accepted OP's invitation (indicating she wanted to hang out with OP) and then went behind OP's back to add other people to it and surprised OP with that. The woman is not being direct or consistent. Did she ever want to be friends with OP? Sounds like on this outing, the other woman socialized more with the two women she'd invited without telling OP, than with OP who had made the plans originally. Why agree to OP's original invite at all then? And then after OP is like "ok I guess we aren't really friends, nbd," now this woman has become friends with OP's other group of friends and is around all the time? It's weird.

In your story, I get what the deal is with the other mom -- she's just not someone who socializes a lot but she's otherwise a good person and can be friendly and pleasant. Okay. In OP's story, I don't get this other woman. She seems to put herself in situations where she will be interacting with OP, even though she doesn't seem to want to be friends with OP. It makes no sense and I get why OP is confused and uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone has been in Op's situation once in a awhile

Nope. I op a man or woman? Why do you have yo be besties or nothing? What's wrong with being casual friends? Did you want to date her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like normal life to me, I wouldn’t do anything. We don’t have to love everyone we meet, just treat them with kindness and respect. That shouldn’t be too hard.

Maybe branch out and make some more friends that you do have more in common with.

+1
But to put myself in OP’s shoes, it would be nice if —once in a while—she could get together with the people she likes more and has more in common with WITHOUT this other person being there. And it seems that at this point it would be viewed as “hostile “ if OP initiated a night or lunch out without including her.

Why?

[Anonymous]

I think it is a little unusual to single one person out of a group activity to have them audition to be your friend and to do it at a reservation type restaurant. I am not surprised she brought a couple more people from the group. I probably would too as it is an odd way to make friends and I would be thinking are they trying to date me?

If a get together naturally and organically happens, great but this exclusive only you and me and no one else approach is weird in itself. Usually people from activities go out in groups and friendships form organically from there. Not via an assessment of are we a match?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Once I invited a bunch of moms out knowing two of my friends were also going and we had all agreed to go out. One mom wrote back. "I'm not interested". For years I thought this woman didn't like me, but it tuns out she's been friendly over the years to me and just don't like to socialize. Our kids are still friends. We are not close, but we get along. Just understand this person you are dealing with has a different way of doing things. Her actions are understandably rude to you but likely not meant to be rude.

This is not the same thing though. The mom you are talking about was just direct. She wasn't interested in that outing and said "I am not interested." It could be considered rude, yes, but the alternative was for her to lie (I'm busy, oh I'd love to but I'm not feeling well, whatever). Instead she just told the truth and you were understandably a little put off. But then her behavior remained consisted and eventually you realized, oh, she just doesn't do gatherings like this. Okay.

OP's situation is different. This woman accepted OP's invitation (indicating she wanted to hang out with OP) and then went behind OP's back to add other people to it and surprised OP with that. The woman is not being direct or consistent. Did she ever want to be friends with OP? Sounds like on this outing, the other woman socialized more with the two women she'd invited without telling OP, than with OP who had made the plans originally. Why agree to OP's original invite at all then? And then after OP is like "ok I guess we aren't really friends, nbd," now this woman has become friends with OP's other group of friends and is around all the time? It's weird.

In your story, I get what the deal is with the other mom -- she's just not someone who socializes a lot but she's otherwise a good person and can be friendly and pleasant. Okay. In OP's story, I don't get this other woman. She seems to put herself in situations where she will be interacting with OP, even though she doesn't seem to want to be friends with OP. It makes no sense and I get why OP is confused and uncomfortable.

I don't see it that way. I see it like 9:46. I've been on many sports teams and if I make friends with someone on that sports team and invite them out as a social event, I wouldn't think twice about some other mom from the same sports team joining in. Yes, I'd like to know, but unless I was close with the person and didn't like this other person I wouldn't think anything of it. Most sports teams have social outgoing people on them and don't think of social get togethers as intimate.

[Anonymous]

I think it is a little unusual to single one person out of a group activity to have them audition to be your friend and to do it at a reservation type restaurant.

I was interested in getting to know her in particular after learning we were stepparents of kids approximately the same age, but that proved not to be enough in common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think it is a little unusual to single one person out of a group activity to have them audition to be your friend and to do it at a reservation type restaurant.

I was interested in getting to know her in particular after learning we were stepparents of kids approximately the same age, but that proved not to be enough in common.

That is an odd way to try to make friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think it is a little unusual to single one person out of a group activity to have them audition to be your friend and to do it at a reservation type restaurant.

I was interested in getting to know her in particular after learning we were stepparents of kids approximately the same age, but that proved not to be enough in common.

You are probably correct, but at the same time it sounds like you were looking to her for advice. Just be friendly with her. Goodness. Can you imagine two guys on a soccer team being so weirded out that another dude joined them for beers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a little unusual to single one person out of a group activity to have them audition to be your friend and to do it at a reservation type restaurant. I am not surprised she brought a couple more people from the group. I probably would too as it is an odd way to make friends and I would be thinking are they trying to date me?

If a get together naturally and organically happens, great but this exclusive only you and me and no one else approach is weird in itself. Usually people from activities go out in groups and friendships form organically from there. Not via an assessment of are we a match?

I don't think it's weird to invite one person from a team or activity out for a 1:1 hangout if you think you might hit it off as friends. That seems normal to me. It's fun to hang out as a group, but if I wanted to get to know someone better or thought we might have stuff in common separate from the team, I think this is totally normal.

It would also be normal for that person to be like "oh yes, fun, would you mind if I invited Kelly and Jen too -- I had been talking to them about getting together after practice sometime." I know it's not what OP had in mind but I think this would be a perfectly normal thing to do.

What I think is weird is agreeing to go hang out with someone one on one and then calling the restaurant and adding two people to the reservation and then showing up with these two extra people without even mentioning to the person who invited you out that you were doing this. This strikes me as very strange!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a little unusual to single one person out of a group activity to have them audition to be your friend and to do it at a reservation type restaurant. I am not surprised she brought a couple more people from the group. I probably would too as it is an odd way to make friends and I would be thinking are they trying to date me?

If a get together naturally and organically happens, great but this exclusive only you and me and no one else approach is weird in itself. Usually people from activities go out in groups and friendships form organically from there. Not via an assessment of are we a match?

What the egotistical heck is wrong with some of you women?! Wanting to spend time with you isn't "oooh, she wants to date me!" Y'all must have spectacular self-esteem if you think anyone who might enjoy your company for a meal wants to bed you. You're not that pretty. You're just not!

And then the fear response. "Oh noes, she *might* want to date me! I'd better invite friends just in case!" You can decline future lunch exchanges if/when you actually have facts. You're highly unlikely to be r*ped by a woman at a lunch reservation.

Homophobic af.