Awkward friend situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think it is a little unusual to single one person out of a group activity to have them audition to be your friend and to do it at a reservation type restaurant.

I was interested in getting to know her in particular after learning we were stepparents of kids approximately the same age, but that proved not to be enough in common.

You are probably correct, but at the same time it sounds like you were looking to her for advice. Just be friendly with her. Goodness. Can you imagine two guys on a soccer team being so weirded out that another dude joined them for beers?

Yes, if the guy who initiated the hang out made dinner reservations for 2 people and then the other guy changed the reservation to 4 without telling him. If they just had plans to grab a beer, that's different. But that was not the plan OP had with this woman.

I'm actually guessing that the people in this sport go out for drinks together regularly in just the way you are talking about, but that OP thought she and this woman might have stuff in common and to discuss that you can't really get into at that kind of hang out, and thus asked if the other woman wanted to grab a meal together instead. If the other woman wasn't interested in that kind of outing or in that kind of friendship with OP, she could easily have just said "I can't do dinner, but maybe we can get drinks with the rest of the team on Friday instead" or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think it is a little unusual to single one person out of a group activity to have them audition to be your friend and to do it at a reservation type restaurant.

I was interested in getting to know her in particular after learning we were stepparents of kids approximately the same age, but that proved not to be enough in common.

You are probably correct, but at the same time it sounds like you were looking to her for advice. Just be friendly with her. Goodness. Can you imagine two guys on a soccer team being so weirded out that another dude joined them for beers?

Yes, if the guy who initiated the hang out made dinner reservations for 2 people and then the other guy changed the reservation to 4 without telling him. If they just had plans to grab a beer, that's different. But that was not the plan OP had with this woman.

I'm actually guessing that the people in this sport go out for drinks together regularly in just the way you are talking about, but that OP thought she and this woman might have stuff in common and to discuss that you can't really get into at that kind of hang out, and thus asked if the other woman wanted to grab a meal together instead. If the other woman wasn't interested in that kind of outing or in that kind of friendship with OP, she could easily have just said "I can't do dinner, but maybe we can get drinks with the rest of the team on Friday instead" or whatever.

Super weird. Guys playing sports do not want to go out 1:1!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a little unusual to single one person out of a group activity to have them audition to be your friend and to do it at a reservation type restaurant. I am not surprised she brought a couple more people from the group. I probably would too as it is an odd way to make friends and I would be thinking are they trying to date me?

If a get together naturally and organically happens, great but this exclusive only you and me and no one else approach is weird in itself. Usually people from activities go out in groups and friendships form organically from there. Not via an assessment of are we a match?

I don't think it's weird to invite one person from a team or activity out for a 1:1 hangout if you think you might hit it off as friends. That seems normal to me. It's fun to hang out as a group, but if I wanted to get to know someone better or thought we might have stuff in common separate from the team, I think this is totally normal.

It would also be normal for that person to be like "oh yes, fun, would you mind if I invited Kelly and Jen too -- I had been talking to them about getting together after practice sometime." I know it's not what OP had in mind but I think this would be a perfectly normal thing to do.

What I think is weird is agreeing to go hang out with someone one on one and then calling the restaurant and adding two people to the reservation and then showing up with these two extra people without even mentioning to the person who invited you out that you were doing this. This strikes me as very strange!

But who is to say it was that formal? For all we know OP just asked her to get a beer after practice and hang out for a bit.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. Yes, it was a bit odd of her to add the other women without telling you first, and no, it is not abnormal to ask someone you want to get to know better to get a meal together.

However, OP, you know what you need to do, which is be nice to her and make some small talk when she is there with a group. I hope you are just seeking some commiseration that it is mildly awkward at first (will be fine long term) vs. advice that you should do anything but that.

[Anonymous]

I have to say that this all sounds like you have a LOT of free time and free space in your heads, to ponder this kind of stuff ad nauseum.

[Anonymous]

How old are you OP? Is it normal for people to interview people for a 'friend' position? Is this a generational thing?

[Anonymous]

Kind of pushy and rude to invite people without telling you, especially since you guys were working on establishing a friendship. But as far as your current situation, you’re just gonna have to reframe her in your mind as an acquaintance who has friends in common with you, you don’t have to spend a ton of time talking to her, but you also don’t have to put a lot of energy into worrying about this, many of us have been there and the initial awkwardness will go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a little unusual to single one person out of a group activity to have them audition to be your friend and to do it at a reservation type restaurant. I am not surprised she brought a couple more people from the group. I probably would too as it is an odd way to make friends and I would be thinking are they trying to date me?

If a get together naturally and organically happens, great but this exclusive only you and me and no one else approach is weird in itself. Usually people from activities go out in groups and friendships form organically from there. Not via an assessment of are we a match?

I don't think it's weird to invite one person from a team or activity out for a 1:1 hangout if you think you might hit it off as friends. That seems normal to me. It's fun to hang out as a group, but if I wanted to get to know someone better or thought we might have stuff in common separate from the team, I think this is totally normal.

It would also be normal for that person to be like "oh yes, fun, would you mind if I invited Kelly and Jen too -- I had been talking to them about getting together after practice sometime." I know it's not what OP had in mind but I think this would be a perfectly normal thing to do.

What I think is weird is agreeing to go hang out with someone one on one and then calling the restaurant and adding two people to the reservation and then showing up with these two extra people without even mentioning to the person who invited you out that you were doing this. This strikes me as very strange!

But who is to say it was that formal? For all we know OP just asked her to get a beer after practice and hang out for a bit.

We know it was more formal because OP made a reservation, and the other woman had to call and change the reservation in order to accommodate the other people she wanted to invite. It was specifically the woman's decision to call and change the reservation OP made that OP found weird (and I agree that is weirdly forward and presumptuous).

[Anonymous]

Lots of places require a reservation even just to get a table.