Awkward friend situation

[Anonymous]

I'm confused -- was this a love interest thing at the begining?

[Anonymous]

I have to agree with this. I get you don’t click for other reasons but this is really not a big deal. Or any deal whatsoever.

NP. I would find it a little inconsiderate, but not a big deal. Not sure how OP is viewing it, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met a woman through the sport we both play, and we hung out a few times. Nothing awful happened, but it was became clear we weren't a match. Among other things, I was turned off when, after I asked her to get together, she invited two other women that we know through the sport and changed the restaurant reservation number (which I made) without telling me - I found out when I got there. And she clearly became friendlier with these other women. I was happy to continue being casually friendly when we see see each other out and about, and she seemed to be as well. She is not a horrible person, just not for me.
However, now, one of my closest friends has met her through a different activity, and is inviting her to many of our group get togethers. I don't dislike her, but it feels very awkward to be together with her this much, as we have tried a friendship and found that it was not for either of us (perfectly ok). Any suggestions on how to handle?

She was rude, but don't make it a big deal, or that would be weird, OP. She also may have social anxiety and want her people around her; she may not be able to be around new people, and be comfortable. Some of us were like this in middle school, and outgrew it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like normal life to me, I wouldn’t do anything. We don’t have to love everyone we meet, just treat them with kindness and respect. That shouldn’t be too hard.

Maybe branch out and make some more friends that you do have more in common with.

+1
But to put myself in OP’s shoes, it would be nice if —once in a while—she could get together with the people she likes more and has more in common with WITHOUT this other person being there. And it seems that at this point it would be viewed as “hostile “ if OP initiated a night or lunch out without including her.

[Anonymous]

once in a while—she could get together with the people she likes more and has more in common with WITHOUT this other person being there. And it seems that at this point it would be viewed as “hostile “ if OP initiated a night or lunch out without including her.

Op here. No, I probably wouldn't do that with the whole group because it wouldn't be nice to her, regardless of how others viewed it. But I would feel fine doing get togethers with smaller components of the group without her, which I should try to initiate. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like normal life to me, I wouldn’t do anything. We don’t have to love everyone we meet, just treat them with kindness and respect. That shouldn’t be too hard.

Maybe branch out and make some more friends that you do have more in common with.

+1
But to put myself in OP’s shoes, it would be nice if —once in a while—she could get together with the people she likes more and has more in common with WITHOUT this other person being there. And it seems that at this point it would be viewed as “hostile “ if OP initiated a night or lunch out without including her.

OP, this is how I see it too. And I'd feel similarly in the situation you describe. Totally understand. There is something off about the way that she handled the get together at the restaurant, in my opinion. But I am a slightly more sensitive person, like you probably are, and I appreciate friends and friend groups that are as well. I get it that people who are not socially sensitive don't really see the issue, as others have replied. And I maybe it's helpful to normalize it for yourself by reminding yourself of that perspective and reframing it that way. That's what I'd try to do and see if in a little while it works itself out.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is how I see it too. And I'd feel similarly in the situation you describe. Totally understand. There is something off about the way that she handled the get together at the restaurant, in my opinion. But I am a slightly more sensitive person, like you probably are, and I appreciate friends and friend groups that are as well. I get it that people who are not socially sensitive don't really see the issue, as others have replied. And I maybe it's helpful to normalize it for yourself by reminding yourself of that perspective and reframing it that way. That's what I'd try to do and see if in a little while it works itself out.

Thanks, this is helpful, I appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

You seem like the strange awkward one.

[Anonymous]

I, too, am confused about the love interest part in the OP. Sounds maybe she thought you were setting up a date with her and she wanted to make it clear she is not the same orientation as you by inviting others to make it a group thing? Possibly? Now you feel awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met a woman through the sport we both play, and we hung out a few times. Nothing awful happened, but it was became clear we weren't a match. Among other things, I was turned off when, after I asked her to get together, she invited two other women that we know through the sport and changed the restaurant reservation number (which I made) without telling me - I found out when I got there. And she clearly became friendlier with these other women. I was happy to continue being casually friendly when we see see each other out and about, and she seemed to be as well. She is not a horrible person, just not for me.
However, now, one of my closest friends has met her through a different activity, and is inviting her to many of our group get togethers. I don't dislike her, but it feels very awkward to be together with her this much, as we have tried a friendship and found that it was not for either of us (perfectly ok). Any suggestions on how to handle?

Some women are emotionally-incompetent steamrollers, and she sounds like one of them. They grab social power and "take charge" (often because they have little or no actual power in their lives). Changing a reservation and inviting others without communicating is exactly this sort of behavior.

A lot of these women are on this board, and will say things like "the more, the merrier!" Yes, when you're hosting or doing the inviting, sure. Or, if you communicate with the person who created the invitation "hey, do you mind if I invite Jane and Sue, too?" that's also totally fine. But hijacking an event and acting like the president or queen of things is socially-dysfunctional behavior that often indicates future control dramas.

Is it "horrible"? No. But it's gauche. How do you handle someone you don't want to be friends with? Be polite but not friendly. If your closest friend is into this new person, that's fine. They get to choose who they hang out with. Either continue going to group events and be kind but not overly warm to "Sally" or whoever, or decline and suggest a different time to meet with your friend.

But you're not wrong about not wanting to get closer to this person. They sound problematic af.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I, too, am confused about the love interest part in the OP. Sounds maybe she thought you were setting up a date with her and she wanted to make it clear she is not the same orientation as you by inviting others to make it a group thing? Possibly? Now you feel awkward.

This is homophobic af. "I have to invite others to chaperone me just in case this person is both gay and into me." Really? That's pathetic.

Most adult women have been on enough bad dates that, even if your ridiculous theory proved true, it wouldn't be hard to say "Oh wow, I'm flattered, but I'm not interested".

Y'all are children. And homophobes.

[Anonymous]

I, too, am confused about the love interest part in the OP. Sounds maybe she thought you were setting up a date with her and she wanted to make it clear she is not the same orientation as you by inviting others to make it a group thing? Possibly? Now you feel awkward.


This is homophobic af. "I have to invite others to chaperone me just in case this person is both gay and into me." Really? That's pathetic.

I assume someone is joking around, how could this be serious?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have feelings for her? It seems in the first scenario, you felt she ruined a date by bringing more friends along. I am sure she didn't realize you were wanting time alone with her, she just thought you were friends. I have made so many friends via friends of friends. The more the merrier when you are just starting to hang out.

And I am not sure what you mean by you didn't work out. There wasn't an interview process. People fade apart. It isn't a big deal. They are just an acquaintance. All these awkward and hurt feelings seem to imply you had more romantic feelings towards her.

Um...

Yeah I originally read OP as trying to date this new person, and then new person not correctly reading the advances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, too, am confused about the love interest part in the OP. Sounds maybe she thought you were setting up a date with her and she wanted to make it clear she is not the same orientation as you by inviting others to make it a group thing? Possibly? Now you feel awkward.

This is homophobic af. "I have to invite others to chaperone me just in case this person is both gay and into me." Really? That's pathetic.

Most adult women have been on enough bad dates that, even if your ridiculous theory proved true, it wouldn't be hard to say "Oh wow, I'm flattered, but I'm not interested".

Y'all are children. And homophobes.

What? No it isn't. Regardless of OP's gender, the friend might have been picking up romantic interest on the part of OP. It is possible that friend wanted to let OP know that wasn't in the cards (gently). But, everyone in this story seems weird and socially awkward.

[Anonymous]

Oh I see. I read it as 'just friends' but now looking back at the first post, there was some language like "we weren't a match" and "I was turned off when". That's probably what confused some readers.