Awkward friend situation

[Anonymous]

No seeing how this is awkward unless these women dated? OP, choose not to go to events this woman attends since you dislike this woman or grow up and behave like an adult with social skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh I see. I read it as 'just friends' but now looking back at the first post, there was some language like "we weren't a match" and "I was turned off when". That's probably what confused some readers.

Plus the "then I saw her later and I don't know how to handle it." Like...that sounds like they tried to date and it didn't work out and now they are awkward around each other.

[Anonymous]

We hung out a few times. Nothing awful happened, but it was became clear we weren't a match.

I was turned off when, after I asked her to get together, she invited two other women

And she clearly became friendlier with these other women.

I was happy to continue being casually friendly when we see see each other out and about, and she seemed to be as well. She is not a horrible person, just not for me.

I don't dislike her, but it feels very awkward to be together with her this much, as we have tried a friendship and found that it was not for either of us (perfectly ok).

And in another post you say you didn't have enough in common to continue hanging out.

This really all sounds like dating, not meeting a new friend and getting to know them. Friendships usually happen more organically and ebb and flow in the early seasons versus this structured approach which sounds more like dating and assessing compatibility and wanting time just the two of you and feeling awkward since it didn't work out.

[Anonymous]

as we have tried a friendship and found that it was not for either of us (perfectly ok)

I actually think this OP is just upset that she doesn't want to be friends with woman and her friends do. Boo hoo, OP. We don't get to pick our friends' friends and you can be civil to her or skip

[Anonymous]

Op, she was inconsiderate and pushy. And you are entitled to a preference, that you don't like her. That's reasonable. But everything else you wrote, there is no control over. Your discomfort can't be accommodated.

[Anonymous]

I don't see what the problem is? You say you don't dislike her so I don't understand why you can't be friendly in the group while not turning it into a big thing?

Are you a man (or woman) who tried to date her? That is the only way this makes sense.

[Anonymous]

You say you don't dislike her so I don't understand why you can't be friendly in the group while not turning it into a big thing?

Eh, there is a difference between not disliking someone and wanting to hang out with them often. I don't dislike my neighbor, she's fine to say hi to or chat for a minute, but I also don't really want to spend a lot of free time hanging out with her. She is intensely into her dogs and alternative health stuff, all of which is perfectly fine, but not my thing.

But you are correct that there is nothing OP can do.

[Anonymous]

I think she just called and changed the reservation number because she had invited others thinking you'd be pleased to have others join you and wanted to be sure the restaurant had room for the larger group. A larger group. It's forward of her, but it wasn't mean or put you guys in a bind for the meal. Maybe she thought she had texted you about it or she thought the get together meant others were also invited if they were free?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think she just called and changed the reservation number because she had invited others thinking you'd be pleased to have others join you and wanted to be sure the restaurant had room for the larger group. A larger group. It's forward of her, but it wasn't mean or put you guys in a bind for the meal. Maybe she thought she had texted you about it or she thought the get together meant others were also invited if they were free?

For anyone reading who might not understand: this is rude. Don't do this.

If I want to hang out with you, I invite you. I don't invite you and other people. If you want to invite plus ones on something you were invited to, you ask upfront.

If you're the one doing the inviting, that's different. But OP was "host" for this get-together, and bringing along extras is rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she just called and changed the reservation number because she had invited others thinking you'd be pleased to have others join you and wanted to be sure the restaurant had room for the larger group. A larger group. It's forward of her, but it wasn't mean or put you guys in a bind for the meal. Maybe she thought she had texted you about it or she thought the get together meant others were also invited if they were free?

For anyone reading who might not understand: this is rude. Don't do this.

If I want to hang out with you, I invite you. I don't invite you and other people. If you want to invite plus ones on something you were invited to, you ask upfront.

If you're the one doing the inviting, that's different. But OP was "host" for this get-together, and bringing along extras is rude.

True but it wasn't like she invited people OP didn't know. She just invited others from the sport they both play on that likely they both talk to. This happens all the time in my circles. I as runner 1 might run with a group and ask Runner 2 if they want to meet for lunch after the run. That person happens to run into runner 3 whom we both run with and mentions they are going out to lunch after the run. Runner 3 says that sounds like fun. Runner 2 then asks runner 1 if it's ok if runner 3 joins them. Runner 1 then usually has to say yes anyway. So whether the ask happened or not, it's still the same scenario. It's slightly rude but it's also not worth all this anxiety over. Maybe there just wasn't a lot of time to connect.

[Anonymous]

And now it seems Runner 1 only wants to hang out with Runner 3 or Runner 4 without Runner 2 because of this? Not going to happen. They are in a running group. It's assumed all are invited to various running group meetups.

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally get why this situation is frustrating and also agree that the reservation hijacking was rude. My guess is that this person is kind of socially aggressive generally (like it's interesting she's suddenly friends with you other group of friends outside this sport--- not malicious or anything, but she sounds like the sort of person who is good at kind of pushing her way into a social circle). I find people like that irritating too.

Having been through something similar, here is my advice: protect your most important friendships but give up on keeping her out of the group. Meaning you are not going to prevent her from coming to group stuff no matter what you do. Even if you tell this close friend you don't like this woman and the close friend stops inviting her, at this point she knows too many people in the group and she's demonstrated this social aggression-- she'll keep getting invited to things.

But that's a good reason to just invest hard in the close individual friendships you have in the group. Do stuff with people one on one. And if the try to include her, tell these *close* friends this woman gets on your nerves and you'd rather not include her in these smaller gatherings.

Some people will view this as mean or petty from the outside, but it's not. This woman has not been a friend to you, you don't want to hang out with her. The end. You are entitled to this preference.

[Anonymous]

Some people will view this as mean or petty from the outside, but it's not. This woman has not been a friend to you, you don't want to hang out with her. The end. You are entitled to this preference.

I feel like this is the piece that people are overlooking. It is not just about the reservation and inviting the other people, she never asked OP to hang out again, and became friendlier with the other women she invited, so she is not interested either. Which is totally fine, but I can see where it is socially awkward that the two don't especially like each other (I understand there is not affirmative dislike) and keep being put together socially. But OP, this would not really be different than any situation where a friend of yours has a friend you don't really like, which comes up all the time, and is just something you have to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she just called and changed the reservation number because she had invited others thinking you'd be pleased to have others join you and wanted to be sure the restaurant had room for the larger group. A larger group. It's forward of her, but it wasn't mean or put you guys in a bind for the meal. Maybe she thought she had texted you about it or she thought the get together meant others were also invited if they were free?

For anyone reading who might not understand: this is rude. Don't do this.

If I want to hang out with you, I invite you. I don't invite you and other people. If you want to invite plus ones on something you were invited to, you ask upfront.

If you're the one doing the inviting, that's different. But OP was "host" for this get-together, and bringing along extras is rude.

+1
Plus, if someone initiated an invitation to YOU, then you are the guest in the social scenario. You accept or decline.
But you do not arrange for others to join unless asked to do so by the organizer.
And you don’t ask “should we invite Larla and Lola to join?”—because if the organizer had wanted them to join, she would have asked them or asked you to ask them.

[Anonymous]

Still don’t get it. Be civil, spend most of the time speaking to someone else!