Dating and exclusivity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience if a man wants to be exclusive he will let you know.

And so what? You sleep with multiple men until one of them tells you they want exclusivity ? This is BS.

No. You wait until a man comes along who says he wants to be exclusive and who you also would like to be exclusive with, and then you have sex.

This is the order of things for people who are older and want to be with just one person typically. Sexual compatibility is important for a relationship and of course people want to test it out. But long term relationship oriented people tend to have a “we’ll figure it out” sort of approach. You both already know you like each other hence exclusivity, next you both put in effort to explore the physical side.

[Anonymous]

Can men PP above respond to questions please? If you don’t seek exclusivity before sex, how many women do you screen, how it’s set up with sex, types of sex, std testing etc? Just curious what men like that do to find “the one”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is hooking up why is it an issue? If you want a relationship then let him know that so you're exclusive. Say you won't have sex without a relationship.

The issue is that men on OLD have group sex, anal sex with multiple women without protection etc. Heard it from these men’s friends and my dermatologist . Of course it’s okay when some women are also ok with that. Maybe these women love BJs on communal Ds!
But there is something in between hookup and having sex with many people: just stopping this activity to have sex with one person. Then if things don’t work, move on to next person and so on.

This sounds like urban legend hyperbolic hysteria. Yes, it might happen, and maybe this happening if you’re on Feeld or some similar kind of place, but it’s certainly not every guy on OLD who is looking for a relationship. Many of them would argue they can’t get in person dates, much less a gang bang. If they really want that, there are lots of easier places.

Unfortunately, in my experience that is half of physically attractive/handsome men on match, League and eharmony. Yes, in a large urban city. It’s my experience, not rumors . I’m good looking and attract a lot of good looking men. Then it comes up a month into dating or so. I was told about swinger parties, threesomes, men wanted sex while not be available to me over the weekend, I discovered them living with someone already etc.

I think these men can’t find quality/attractive women on Feeld so they spill over to conventional sites. Or many men are married/partnered already and just look for a side chick

OP, several times you’ve referred to “quality” men and women. Do you think that “quality” people have no kinks or the like?

As you seem to be screening mostly by physical attractiveness, and seem to keep running into this situation, perhaps it’s time to change your metrics.

I’m not OP but I just date men who are about same level as myself by attractiveness. No, I won’t lower my standards as I want to crave physically for my man.

But it seems that physical standards are the only standards you have. Attractive does not equal quality. It’s no wonder you’re striking out when you base your entire strategy on such a shallow qualification

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is hooking up why is it an issue? If you want a relationship then let him know that so you're exclusive. Say you won't have sex without a relationship.

The issue is that men on OLD have group sex, anal sex with multiple women without protection etc. Heard it from these men’s friends and my dermatologist . Of course it’s okay when some women are also ok with that. Maybe these women love BJs on communal Ds!
But there is something in between hookup and having sex with many people: just stopping this activity to have sex with one person. Then if things don’t work, move on to next person and so on.

This sounds like urban legend hyperbolic hysteria. Yes, it might happen, and maybe this happening if you’re on Feeld or some similar kind of place, but it’s certainly not every guy on OLD who is looking for a relationship. Many of them would argue they can’t get in person dates, much less a gang bang. If they really want that, there are lots of easier places.

Unfortunately, in my experience that is half of physically attractive/handsome men on match, League and eharmony. Yes, in a large urban city. It’s my experience, not rumors . I’m good looking and attract a lot of good looking men. Then it comes up a month into dating or so. I was told about swinger parties, threesomes, men wanted sex while not be available to me over the weekend, I discovered them living with someone already etc.

I think these men can’t find quality/attractive women on Feeld so they spill over to conventional sites. Or many men are married/partnered already and just look for a side chick

OP, several times you’ve referred to “quality” men and women. Do you think that “quality” people have no kinks or the like?

As you seem to be screening mostly by physical attractiveness, and seem to keep running into this situation, perhaps it’s time to change your metrics.

I’m not OP but I just date men who are about same level as myself by attractiveness. No, I won’t lower my standards as I want to crave physically for my man.

But it seems that physical standards are the only standards you have. Attractive does not equal quality. It’s no wonder you’re striking out when you base your entire strategy on such a shallow qualification

That’s an entry starting point, not all criteria

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience if a man wants to be exclusive he will let you know.

I'm a man and agree with this. When I am into someone, I don't want her sleeping with other men. I also don't want to sleep with other women when I'm really into someone. However, I would not be asking for exclusivity before having sex. I want to know if there is compatibility there first.

Curious about this. Don’t you know if you’re compatible based on doing everything but? I feel like I don’t need to have intercourse to know if there is chemistry and physical compatibility. What else would you be looking for that you need to actually have sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience if a man wants to be exclusive he will let you know.

And so what? You sleep with multiple men until one of them tells you they want exclusivity ? This is BS.

No. You wait until a man comes along who says he wants to be exclusive and who you also would like to be exclusive with, and then you have sex.

This is the order of things for people who are older and want to be with just one person typically. Sexual compatibility is important for a relationship and of course people want to test it out. But long term relationship oriented people tend to have a “we’ll figure it out” sort of approach. You both already know you like each other hence exclusivity, next you both put in effort to explore the physical side.

+1

Extremely well phrased, PP, especially the bold. This is the mature approach of someone who wants more than sex, and who recognizes that sex is part of a whole relationship, and that people who care about each other AS people "put in effort to explore the physical side."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can men PP above respond to questions please? If you don’t seek exclusivity before sex, how many women do you screen, how it’s set up with sex, types of sex, std testing etc? Just curious what men like that do to find “the one”

+1

[Anonymous]

Guy here and I bring it up pretty early on.

"I just want to let you know that am only intimate when in a monogamous relationship. If that doesn't work for you, no judgement and I completely understand."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here and I bring it up pretty early on.

"I just want to let you know that am only intimate when in a monogamous relationship. If that doesn't work for you, no judgement and I completely understand."

Do you kiss and make out but just no sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is hooking up why is it an issue? If you want a relationship then let him know that so you're exclusive. Say you won't have sex without a relationship.

Do men respect this?

NP. I don’t really understand the question. As a man with fairly permissive views on sex, I have no expectation for any woman that she would have either a more casual or a more restrictive take on sex in or out of a relationship in general, or with me in particular. In respecting all women, I say they should make their own choice about what they want irrespective of my feelings on the matter.

That’s evasive as hell. The question was not what the women want and feel. Are you saying you don’t feel like restricting your urges in a relationship or dating regardless how a woman feels ? Do you tell that to your female partners upfront that you will make your decisions irrespectively of her boundaries ?

Evasive? Your questions imply just you didn’t understand anything I wrote. As I said, I don’t get the question. My “respect” for a woman is not contingent on the choices that she makes regarding her behavior as long as those choices are honestly conveyed. I may not personally go along with her choices, and yes, some of them may be dealbreakers, but bringing “respect” into it implies making character judgements about the person. But maybe the PP meant “respect” as in “go along with” and then I’m not sure what’s being asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here and I bring it up pretty early on.

"I just want to let you know that am only intimate when in a monogamous relationship. If that doesn't work for you, no judgement and I completely understand."

Do you kiss and make out but just no sex?

Case by case situation by situation. Seeing and other guys regularly, no. Not sure if she wants to be in a relationship or committed relationship, maybe.

[Anonymous]

Op, you either know the person enough to trust him. That he is a responsible person. That he acts responsibly, or you don't. Sex is just part of it. It's not the be-all, end-all.

Make it all about sex and you've made it all about sex. That's not good or healthy.

[Anonymous]

Woman here and still very curious to hear from men/PP who said they wouldn’t commit to exclusivity before sex.
How many women do you tryout, does sex actually differ from woman to woman or there is usually one you like most and have sex with her? If a woman won’t do BJ in non -exclusive situation do you discard her as “bad in sex”? How do you navigate that logistically (do you tell women you are busy while you sleep with others)?
And how soon does this elaborate tryout process result in selecting “the one”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here and still very curious to hear from men/PP who said they wouldn’t commit to exclusivity before sex.
How many women do you tryout, does sex actually differ from woman to woman or there is usually one you like most and have sex with her? If a woman won’t do BJ in non -exclusive situation do you discard her as “bad in sex”? How do you navigate that logistically (do you tell women you are busy while you sleep with others)?
And how soon does this elaborate tryout process result in selecting “the one”?

Dated a variety of women following my divorce. Some started talking about exclusivity on the first date. That comes across as desperate.

Of the women I slept with, it was typically on the third or fourth date, after STI tests. That said, exclusivity doesn’t mean that a long term relationship will result. If the sex is lousy or other issues emerge, it can be over after a month or less of sleeping together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here and still very curious to hear from men/PP who said they wouldn’t commit to exclusivity before sex.
How many women do you tryout, does sex actually differ from woman to woman or there is usually one you like most and have sex with her? If a woman won’t do BJ in non -exclusive situation do you discard her as “bad in sex”? How do you navigate that logistically (do you tell women you are busy while you sleep with others)?
And how soon does this elaborate tryout process result in selecting “the one”?

Dated a variety of women following my divorce. Some started talking about exclusivity on the first date. That comes across as desperate.

Of the women I slept with, it was typically on the third or fourth date, after STI tests. That said, exclusivity doesn’t mean that a long term relationship will result. If the sex is lousy or other issues emerge, it can be over after a month or less of sleeping together.

This is very confusing: STI test implies sexual exclusivity. It’s recommended to take it 3-4 weeks after your previous partner. Did you run to take the test after first date if you liked the woman? Or you showed one STI test to several ladies and slept with them in parallel?
And yes, I don’t talk here about GF/BF exclusivity - this is just desperate to expect after a few dates, and I wouldn’t commit myself until after a few months together
But I want to be safe having sex