Committed to making it work but struggling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not stuck. You are choosing the familiar path, even though that the person you thought was familiar is a lowlife stranger.

A home that houses you two is not a good place for a kid to finish growing up. Financial stability is not all that matters. Your self esteem and mental health will impact theirs (not to mention what they think is acceptable in a marriage).

Well said. OP, what do you have to lose from starting over? How can it not only be a good thing? "Traditions" make up for how he treats you? There has got to be more to the story.

OP doesn't work is the more to the story.

She needs to bring a sense of urgency to that issue, for sure.

[Anonymous]

Agree. OP can't leave due to financial reasons, not being independent. Her kids are teenagers now and not infants/toddlers.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sure if you divorce your DH will take that opportunity to be around seedy individuals - but who is to say he is not doing that now? Can you talk to an attorney about this, and your rights? I agree that you should try for alimony. Does your DH hold a decent job? If so, are there decent chances he will stay in his job (especially given the porn at work thing)?

I just can't imagine putting my head in the sand with someone that freaks other people out - and with kids involved (no matter the age). Your DH has to get his shyt together, but he is not your responsibility. No matter how he tries to guilt you out. You are not responsible for him and whatever happened to him. I can't imagine taking on this baggage, and to constantly have to worry about it. Wouldn't it be a huge relief not to?

Surely you are marketable for a skill that would garner a paycheck? You have to value yourself more than this - this is just gross. This is not a healthy grown man acts. Is he stopping you from having friends (because of his behavior)? Your DH seems to be having a detrimental effect on you - obviously not just himself - but you and your kids entire lives.

Are you getting therapy? Is he getting individual therapy? Are the kids? Who is helping them? I am thinking you are depressed to be putting up with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I will be in the minority here but I feel as badly for him as I do for you. I think you both need a lot of individual therapy and a lot of time. Only after that will you be able to trust your gut and make a good decision. He may be addicted to sex and running toward these hookups as an escape. It doesn’t excuse it, but it could be a poor coping mechanism as opposed to a narcissistic jerk living it up behind your back. The fact you said he couldn’t go through with hiring a sex worker makes me think he has struggled deeply with his own sexuality, psychology, and morality.

Sending you giant creepy internet hugs.

The man needs more sex and validation. This may or may not have anything to do with OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here. There are many many threads here about similar situations. Objectively, what your husband did was wrong — and he should be ashamed of his actions. If you want to blame and divorce, then go ahead. However, as other threads have shown — if he has a need and expectation for regular sex with his wife — “to have and to hold” per the old school vows — then were his needs reasonable and were you able to meet them? Probably not for many reasons. And, I am not sure he was able to meet your needs for love, affection, conversation, etc? But most men cheat for a reason — and they are condemned for it — and you get to choose how to proceed — knowing that both women and men will understand whatever choice you make.

OP here - this is fair. He has a very healthy sexual appetite, and after learning of the initial cheating over 5 years ago, I've never felt the same toward him and have not been able to have sex multiple times a week (more like 1-2 times/week).

I also think he's frequently looking at porn throughout the day and we both work from home. This grosses me out. So it's very hard to force myself to have sex multiple times/week with him.

I’m sorry but you have to try. The man needs more sex and it has been five years. You can’t punish him forever. I know you don’t want to hear this but he called a sex worker bc they were a professional and discreet way of meeting his needs without cheating on you emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here. There are many many threads here about similar situations. Objectively, what your husband did was wrong — and he should be ashamed of his actions. If you want to blame and divorce, then go ahead. However, as other threads have shown — if he has a need and expectation for regular sex with his wife — “to have and to hold” per the old school vows — then were his needs reasonable and were you able to meet them? Probably not for many reasons. And, I am not sure he was able to meet your needs for love, affection, conversation, etc? But most men cheat for a reason — and they are condemned for it — and you get to choose how to proceed — knowing that both women and men will understand whatever choice you make.

OP here - this is fair. He has a very healthy sexual appetite, and after learning of the initial cheating over 5 years ago, I've never felt the same toward him and have not been able to have sex multiple times a week (more like 1-2 times/week).

I also think he's frequently looking at porn throughout the day and we both work from home. This grosses me out. So it's very hard to force myself to have sex multiple times/week with him.

I’m sorry but you have to try. The man needs more sex and it has been five years. You can’t punish him forever. I know you don’t want to hear this but he called a sex worker bc they were a professional and discreet way of meeting his needs without cheating on you emotionally.

Why are people always telling people like the OP to ignore their sexual boundaries.

She is already sleeping with him regularly and clearly doesn’t want to be.

Her DH called a sex worker because he is sexually addicted. No matter how much she sleeps with him, it would never be enough. He is also in denial about his addiction; Most men do not watch p0rn all day when they are supposed to be on the clock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I will be in the minority here but I feel as badly for him as I do for you. I think you both need a lot of individual therapy and a lot of time. Only after that will you be able to trust your gut and make a good decision. He may be addicted to sex and running toward these hookups as an escape. It doesn’t excuse it, but it could be a poor coping mechanism as opposed to a narcissistic jerk living it up behind your back. The fact you said he couldn’t go through with hiring a sex worker makes me think he has struggled deeply with his own sexuality, psychology, and morality.

Sending you giant creepy internet hugs.

The man needs more sex and validation. This may or may not have anything to do with OP.

The DH's issues have nothing to do with OP. The DH is ADDICTED. That is the problem. Why isn't he getting professional help (and I don't mean sex workers), OP? Does he really have you convinced that his addiction is "normal" and "not a problem". You seem to be dismissing your DH's actions and thoughts by saying terms such as "healthy sexual appetite", etc.

You can make excuses, or you can make changes. You have to want a better life, you have to want to not be depressed. Can't you see how your inaction is adversely affecting your entire family? How is burying your head in the sand working for you? You have to take some responsibility for your family unraveling. This isn't the 1940's - your can't just justify your DH's mistreatment of you by shrugging your shoulders and saying "this is what men do!" with an over sedated or under sedated smile. Because it is not what healthy, normal men do at all - your DH's behavior is not normal, and it affects all of you - not just you, and not just him. Kids are not stupid, they know what goes on in the house, they take in everything. Don't do that to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here. There are many many threads here about similar situations. Objectively, what your husband did was wrong — and he should be ashamed of his actions. If you want to blame and divorce, then go ahead. However, as other threads have shown — if he has a need and expectation for regular sex with his wife — “to have and to hold” per the old school vows — then were his needs reasonable and were you able to meet them? Probably not for many reasons. And, I am not sure he was able to meet your needs for love, affection, conversation, etc? But most men cheat for a reason — and they are condemned for it — and you get to choose how to proceed — knowing that both women and men will understand whatever choice you make.

OP here - this is fair. He has a very healthy sexual appetite, and after learning of the initial cheating over 5 years ago, I've never felt the same toward him and have not been able to have sex multiple times a week (more like 1-2 times/week).

I also think he's frequently looking at porn throughout the day and we both work from home. This grosses me out. So it's very hard to force myself to have sex multiple times/week with him.

I’m sorry but you have to try. The man needs more sex and it has been five years. You can’t punish him forever. I know you don’t want to hear this but he called a sex worker bc they were a professional and discreet way of meeting his needs without cheating on you emotionally.

Why are people always telling people like the OP to ignore their sexual boundaries.

She is already sleeping with him regularly and clearly doesn’t want to be.

Her DH called a sex worker because he is sexually addicted. No matter how much she sleeps with him, it would never be enough. He is also in denial about his addiction; Most men do not watch p0rn all day when they are supposed to be on the clock.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here. There are many many threads here about similar situations. Objectively, what your husband did was wrong — and he should be ashamed of his actions. If you want to blame and divorce, then go ahead. However, as other threads have shown — if he has a need and expectation for regular sex with his wife — “to have and to hold” per the old school vows — then were his needs reasonable and were you able to meet them? Probably not for many reasons. And, I am not sure he was able to meet your needs for love, affection, conversation, etc? But most men cheat for a reason — and they are condemned for it — and you get to choose how to proceed — knowing that both women and men will understand whatever choice you make.

OP here - this is fair. He has a very healthy sexual appetite, and after learning of the initial cheating over 5 years ago, I've never felt the same toward him and have not been able to have sex multiple times a week (more like 1-2 times/week).

I also think he's frequently looking at porn throughout the day and we both work from home. This grosses me out. So it's very hard to force myself to have sex multiple times/week with him.

I’m sorry but you have to try. The man needs more sex and it has been five years. You can’t punish him forever. I know you don’t want to hear this but he called a sex worker bc they were a professional and discreet way of meeting his needs without cheating on you emotionally.

Why are people always telling people like the OP to ignore their sexual boundaries.

She is already sleeping with him regularly and clearly doesn’t want to be.

Her DH called a sex worker because he is sexually addicted. No matter how much she sleeps with him, it would never be enough. He is also in denial about his addiction; Most men do not watch p0rn all day when they are supposed to be on the clock.

+1

OP's DH is always going to gross her out. She is never going to want to sleep with him, she would literally force herself to sleep with him. Is that any way to live? C'mon. Have sex or don't, but forcing yourself to sleep with someone you have no interest in is a whole different level of abuse.