Committed to making it work but struggling

[Anonymous]

Op, quietly lawyer up and get your sh*t together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get your own individual therapist. You need someone on your side, a marriage counselor is on the "marriage" side, not your side. You may need both. Trust will be a big issue I foresee in the future if you try to stay married.

Thanks - I've had the same thought. Our marriage counselor is basically saying we need to "start over" in our marriage - doesn't want us (me) to bring up the past. Not sure how I can do that.

It's also very hard because I'm extremely close to his family and so many family/holiday dynamics will change if we split. Everything seems easier to stick it out but I don't know how long I can do this for. Trust is very badly broken.

Do you talk in counseling about his porn addiction? That it even puts his job at risk?

The counselor is acting like it was a one off years ago. You really need someone with experience in sexual compulsivity. I do know of someone who was sex addicted and compulsive before CSA was addressed and he is monogamous now, to my knowledge.

The addictive behavior (and he is likely banging sex workers) may stem from CSA or he may have ADHD or bipolar that need to be medicated to reduce impulsivity. As is, even if he stopped porn briefly, the addiction would likely transfer to booze, etc. This kind of hypersexuality is also linked to particular drugs. This is a much more complicated situation than hooked up with a co-worker once years ago. Without more expert help and identifying the drivers, you are wasting time and $ on the counselor.

OP, any mental health or dev diagnoses in the kids or his extended family?

CODA for you and SLAA for him and see where you get.

Are you afraid if you split he will go off the rails completely? I imagine you need his income with college years approaching.

Does he interact with kids, friends, neighbors or is the porn taking up more and more of his time/focus?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your staying with him teaches your kids what they should put up with when they're old enough to be in a relationship, and/or what's acceptable behavior in a relationship. Leave with your integrity.

I agree. It's time to get out.

[Anonymous]

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22690-sex-addiction-hypersexuality-and-compulsive-sexual-behavior

OP, I think you need to get your ducks in a row for a split, then confront him about more targeted help.

[Anonymous]

Not worth staying. Either be roommates for kids and divorce later or divorce now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, quietly lawyer up and get your sh*t together

Lawyering up is a bad idea.
wastes money and makes it worse.
50/50 everything with mediator and no reason to “lawyer up”

-divorced a lawyer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your staying with him teaches your kids what they should put up with when they're old enough to be in a relationship, and/or what's acceptable behavior in a relationship. Leave with your integrity.

I agree. It's time to get out.

OP, do you think by staying you are temporarily stabilizing him and his job?

Addictions do tend to get worse over time.

Does he watch porn when the kids are home?

[Anonymous]

You are not stuck. You are choosing the familiar path, even though that the person you thought was familiar is a lowlife stranger.

A home that houses you two is not a good place for a kid to finish growing up. Financial stability is not all that matters. Your self esteem and mental health will impact theirs (not to mention what they think is acceptable in a marriage).

[Anonymous]

None of those traditions you value will be the same.

HE did this, so you should not feel like you would be ending your rosy family.

HE did this. And you are just stuck with trying to reassemble something that he broke.

[Anonymous]

Have you spoken directly about his porn consumption during work hours with him? During therapy?

It can change but he has to want it to.

Your current therapist sounds enabling but perhaps they lack the relevant facts or expertise?

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6352245/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not stuck. You are choosing the familiar path, even though that the person you thought was familiar is a lowlife stranger.

A home that houses you two is not a good place for a kid to finish growing up. Financial stability is not all that matters. Your self esteem and mental health will impact theirs (not to mention what they think is acceptable in a marriage).

Spending 50% of their time in an apt with dad while he watches porn is not optimal either.

It's unclear if the real problem has been named, step one before it can be addressed with any hope of success.

The bolded is said from a point of privilege.

[Anonymous]

I doubt he would confine his sexual acting out to porn after a split, something else to consider as a possible impact on the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you the same poster as the woman whose husband’s AP made a social media post about her time with him last year? They have a specific age gap you referenced on a couple threads?

Either way, the answer is to get out of the marriage. I’m so sorry. Your husband is no good and this isn’t a reflection on you.

Thank you but No - different poster. My DH didn't have an affair, more of a drunk work hookup.

He was on multiple dating sites but all he did was have a single drunk work hookup? Umm...

OP is a troll or in denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here. There are many many threads here about similar situations. Objectively, what your husband did was wrong — and he should be ashamed of his actions. If you want to blame and divorce, then go ahead. However, as other threads have shown — if he has a need and expectation for regular sex with his wife — “to have and to hold” per the old school vows — then were his needs reasonable and were you able to meet them? Probably not for many reasons. And, I am not sure he was able to meet your needs for love, affection, conversation, etc? But most men cheat for a reason — and they are condemned for it — and you get to choose how to proceed — knowing that both women and men will understand whatever choice you make.

OP here - this is fair. He has a very healthy sexual appetite, and after learning of the initial cheating over 5 years ago, I've never felt the same toward him and have not been able to have sex multiple times a week (more like 1-2 times/week).

I also think he's frequently looking at porn throughout the day and we both work from home. This grosses me out. So it's very hard to force myself to have sex multiple times/week with him.

No it’s not fair - he broke his vows and experienced consequences. That’s fair. You don’t have to “force” yourself to have sex with untrustworthy people, even if you are married to them. He gave up the right to your intimacy (if he ever had one) when he stepped out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't see this working out. He sounds like he is a sex addict. He would have to be highly motivated to change, yet, he has not.

I also think he is banging hookers. The story there seems implausible. Some men do this regardless of regular sex at home.

I hope you have spoken to a lawyer and gotten your ducks in a row. Could he be fired if his company IP detects porn during work hours?

Some men use VPNs, thinking they will not get caught, not realizing that work computers can always track, regardless. What if he loses his job, OP?