Committed to making it work but struggling

[Anonymous]

Long story short - My DH of almost 20 yrs (married with 2 teenagers) cheated and was caught. After digesting the impact of splitting up, I committed to trying to make it work until the kids are older/out of school, we're going to counseling etc. Then I learned he belonged to a bunch of hookup sites, and even reached out to a sex worker during a work trip (swears he couldn't follow through). I've had all the tests done and thankfully they were negative.

but - I cannot get over his actions and have lost all interest in being with someone with such poor morals and judgment. This is the type of man I wouldn't touch with a 10-foot pole if I had a clue of his actions. Married 20 years and I feel like I don't know him at all.

I've had all the tests done and thankfully they were negative. But I'm feeling stuck and very confused.

[Anonymous]

Why are you staying married to him? For the kids? Doesn't sound like you're making it work.

[Anonymous]

Get your own individual therapist. You need someone on your side, a marriage counselor is on the "marriage" side, not your side. You may need both. Trust will be a big issue I foresee in the future if you try to stay married.

[Anonymous]

You can't get over it. So it sounds as if you are over him. It's hard, it's painful, but you do have a choice here. You ALWAYS have choices. So ask yourself what you WANT. Not what you think is best for the kids. Without worrying about what your parents will think. What you really, truly want.

Then figure out how to get that. How to make it work for you, for your kids. Or make the choice not to go after that and understand you are making an active choice to do something else other than what you want to do. Make sure you know that. It isn't b/c you are stuck (you aren't) but you have to weigh your choices and make the best choice for you and your situation.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you the same poster as the woman whose husband’s AP made a social media post about her time with him last year? They have a specific age gap you referenced on a couple threads?

Either way, the answer is to get out of the marriage. I’m so sorry. Your husband is no good and this isn’t a reflection on you.

[Anonymous]

Your staying with him teaches your kids what they should put up with when they're old enough to be in a relationship, and/or what's acceptable behavior in a relationship. Leave with your integrity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get your own individual therapist. You need someone on your side, a marriage counselor is on the "marriage" side, not your side. You may need both. Trust will be a big issue I foresee in the future if you try to stay married.

Thanks - I've had the same thought. Our marriage counselor is basically saying we need to "start over" in our marriage - doesn't want us (me) to bring up the past. Not sure how I can do that.

It's also very hard because I'm extremely close to his family and so many family/holiday dynamics will change if we split. Everything seems easier to stick it out but I don't know how long I can do this for. Trust is very badly broken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you the same poster as the woman whose husband’s AP made a social media post about her time with him last year? They have a specific age gap you referenced on a couple threads?

Either way, the answer is to get out of the marriage. I’m so sorry. Your husband is no good and this isn’t a reflection on you.

Thank you but No - different poster. My DH didn't have an affair, more of a drunk work hookup.

[Anonymous]

Op, I will be in the minority here but I feel as badly for him as I do for you. I think you both need a lot of individual therapy and a lot of time. Only after that will you be able to trust your gut and make a good decision. He may be addicted to sex and running toward these hookups as an escape. It doesn’t excuse it, but it could be a poor coping mechanism as opposed to a narcissistic jerk living it up behind your back. The fact you said he couldn’t go through with hiring a sex worker makes me think he has struggled deeply with his own sexuality, psychology, and morality.

Sending you giant creepy internet hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I will be in the minority here but I feel as badly for him as I do for you. I think you both need a lot of individual therapy and a lot of time. Only after that will you be able to trust your gut and make a good decision. He may be addicted to sex and running toward these hookups as an escape. It doesn’t excuse it, but it could be a poor coping mechanism as opposed to a narcissistic jerk living it up behind your back. The fact you said he couldn’t go through with hiring a sex worker makes me think he has struggled deeply with his own sexuality, psychology, and morality.

Sending you giant creepy internet hugs.

This is actually a very intuitive post. He said in the past he needs to dig deep to understand more about why he makes such poor decisions. I have a big feeling it's related to his childhood because his brother behaves very similarly. He had his own therapist until we started seeing a marriage counselor, then he stopped seeing her. The thought of sex addiction has crossed my mind a million times because he's always watched a lot of porn, and now that it's so easily accessible live, it's scary. I appreciate your response.

[Anonymous]

https://www.slaadc.org/

So sorry, OP. I agree with the above poster that there is a lot to unpack here.

I would get a Gottman trained marriage counselor after he has done more work in individual and perhaps participated in the group above. I have known people who found it helpful. What your current marriage therapist is recommending is unworkable, I agree with you. He needs to do the work on himself first and figure out where this is coming from. An eval for things like ADD and bipolar is another box to check re: impulsivity and dopamine seeking.

Is he still at the same job w/the hook up and lots of travel?

[Anonymous]

I’m concerned that if he had a work hookup AND interacted with a sex worker… there is a lot that Op doesn’t know about. OP can’t make choices about her future without knowing the truth. But cheaters who are repeat offenders seem to be the least likely to “start over.”

[Anonymous]

I had my h move to the guest room.

My kids found out about the affair so I didn’t have to explain why.

I did individual therapy.

We did marriage counseling for a bit but just to let him think there was a chance.

We never argued or had a bad relationship so we just continued on like we always did we just didn’t have sex, like we use to 3x a week.

Took him a year to realize… hmmm I don’t think we are going to have sex again .

He finally was like … are we ever gonna work it out and I was like hmm don’t know.

Took him 4 years to leave, file for divorce, etc.

My life literally never changed. We still did everything like before until bed time.

Kids went to college and he moved out.

[Anonymous]

The sex worker part would do me in, YUCK.
I'd be out of there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I will be in the minority here but I feel as badly for him as I do for you. I think you both need a lot of individual therapy and a lot of time. Only after that will you be able to trust your gut and make a good decision. He may be addicted to sex and running toward these hookups as an escape. It doesn’t excuse it, but it could be a poor coping mechanism as opposed to a narcissistic jerk living it up behind your back. The fact you said he couldn’t go through with hiring a sex worker makes me think he has struggled deeply with his own sexuality, psychology, and morality.

Sending you giant creepy internet hugs.

This is actually a very intuitive post. He said in the past he needs to dig deep to understand more about why he makes such poor decisions. I have a big feeling it's related to his childhood because his brother behaves very similarly. He had his own therapist until we started seeing a marriage counselor, then he stopped seeing her. The thought of sex addiction has crossed my mind a million times because he's always watched a lot of porn, and now that it's so easily accessible live, it's scary. I appreciate your response.

He was clearly abused as a child but I doubt he will come clean.