Committed to making it work but struggling

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing about men who frequent sex workers (and I can almost guarantee the "couldn't follow through" is BS) -- they are perpetuating abuse whether the woman is being actively exploited by a pimp or not.

He's trash. Divorce.

[Anonymous]

Move on.

Get your own therapist.

Consult a divorce lawyer to figure out what you can do to help protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, why do you want to stay together? What are the factors that are pushing you in that direction? $? Shuffling kids around?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP, why do you want to stay together? What are the factors that are pushing you in that direction? $? Shuffling kids around?

20 years of a marriage is a long time.... built a life together, probably very difficult to just call it quits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP, why do you want to stay together? What are the factors that are pushing you in that direction? $? Shuffling kids around?

20 years of a marriage is a long time.... built a life together, probably very difficult to just call it quits.

Theoretically it should also be very difficult for a man who has been married for 20 years to bang multiple randoms. But he found a way.

[Anonymous]

Man here. There are many many threads here about similar situations. Objectively, what your husband did was wrong — and he should be ashamed of his actions. If you want to blame and divorce, then go ahead. However, as other threads have shown — if he has a need and expectation for regular sex with his wife — “to have and to hold” per the old school vows — then were his needs reasonable and were you able to meet them? Probably not for many reasons. And, I am not sure he was able to meet your needs for love, affection, conversation, etc? But most men cheat for a reason — and they are condemned for it — and you get to choose how to proceed — knowing that both women and men will understand whatever choice you make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here. There are many many threads here about similar situations. Objectively, what your husband did was wrong — and he should be ashamed of his actions. If you want to blame and divorce, then go ahead. However, as other threads have shown — if he has a need and expectation for regular sex with his wife — “to have and to hold” per the old school vows — then were his needs reasonable and were you able to meet them? Probably not for many reasons. And, I am not sure he was able to meet your needs for love, affection, conversation, etc? But most men cheat for a reason — and they are condemned for it — and you get to choose how to proceed — knowing that both women and men will understand whatever choice you make.

OP here - this is fair. He has a very healthy sexual appetite, and after learning of the initial cheating over 5 years ago, I've never felt the same toward him and have not been able to have sex multiple times a week (more like 1-2 times/week).

I also think he's frequently looking at porn throughout the day and we both work from home. This grosses me out. So it's very hard to force myself to have sex multiple times/week with him.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't see this working out. He sounds like he is a sex addict. He would have to be highly motivated to change, yet, he has not.

I also think he is banging hookers. The story there seems implausible. Some men do this regardless of regular sex at home.

I hope you have spoken to a lawyer and gotten your ducks in a row. Could he be fired if his company IP detects porn during work hours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I will be in the minority here but I feel as badly for him as I do for you. I think you both need a lot of individual therapy and a lot of time. Only after that will you be able to trust your gut and make a good decision. He may be addicted to sex and running toward these hookups as an escape. It doesn’t excuse it, but it could be a poor coping mechanism as opposed to a narcissistic jerk living it up behind your back. The fact you said he couldn’t go through with hiring a sex worker makes me think he has struggled deeply with his own sexuality, psychology, and morality.

Sending you giant creepy internet hugs.

This is actually a very intuitive post. He said in the past he needs to dig deep to understand more about why he makes such poor decisions. I have a big feeling it's related to his childhood because his brother behaves very similarly. He had his own therapist until we started seeing a marriage counselor, then he stopped seeing her. The thought of sex addiction has crossed my mind a million times because he's always watched a lot of porn, and now that it's so easily accessible live, it's scary. I appreciate your response.

He was clearly abused as a child but I doubt he will come clean.

CSA can trigger this kind of pattern but so can frequent porn watching.

I'd have trouble having sex with him at all esp. with an ongoing STD threat.

I hope you don't have daughters, OP, this is not a man who values women.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/202102/addicted-porn-how-get-back-in-control

[Anonymous]

Well OP you buried the lede. I was the PP who felt compassion and recommended individual therapy for both of you but I don’t realize this is his second time. If I were you, I wouldn’t invest more time in this, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here. There are many many threads here about similar situations. Objectively, what your husband did was wrong — and he should be ashamed of his actions. If you want to blame and divorce, then go ahead. However, as other threads have shown — if he has a need and expectation for regular sex with his wife — “to have and to hold” per the old school vows — then were his needs reasonable and were you able to meet them? Probably not for many reasons. And, I am not sure he was able to meet your needs for love, affection, conversation, etc? But most men cheat for a reason — and they are condemned for it — and you get to choose how to proceed — knowing that both women and men will understand whatever choice you make.

OP here - this is fair. He has a very healthy sexual appetite, and after learning of the initial cheating over 5 years ago, I've never felt the same toward him and have not been able to have sex multiple times a week (more like 1-2 times/week).

I also think he's frequently looking at porn throughout the day and we both work from home. This grosses me out. So it's very hard to force myself to have sex multiple times/week with him.

No this is not "fair" you were having sex more than 2x a week when he initially cheated. He has serious and deep-rooted issues. I'm sure he was abused as a child and is now pathological because he refuses to admit it and get therapy for it.

You tried to be a good wife, you were a good friend/companion/partner. You fulfilled all your marital vows including to "have and hold" and he sh*t the bed.

This is not about you, you can't love or f*ck it away. He is seriously damaged, get out now.

It will be a struggle to stay, it will be a struggle to leave. But leaving will end the struggle eventually, staying will continue the cycle of abuse.

You are being abused. Get out.

[Anonymous]

If he was a victim of CSA, his brother may have been as well. So wanting to stay close to his familly bears rethinking. May one have been a abuser? Do others seem like enablers?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-compassion-chronicles/202304/how-survivors-of-sex-abuse-can-stop-compulsive-sex-practices

A sexually compulsive man is not only a concern as a husband but as a father. What kind of role model is he? How healthy is his emotional connection to the kids?

I'm sorry, OP. If you split he will still get 50/50 time with kids. I can see trying to stick it out until kids leave home. I don't know how you have sex with him at all but if you move to the guest room do you think he will file? You need a marriage counselor with experience with sex addiction.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. I've never been in this position (yet, as but for the grace of God go I), but what stuck out to me is this idea that you are committed to this and therefore can't change your mind. I would suggest giving yourself the freedom to say that you can, in fact, walk away from this man and this marriage if you need to. Perhaps even just knowing that you are able to make a choice every day as to what you want to do will help with your mindset. I'm not saying you should stay or you should go, only you can decide that. But I am saying you should give yourself the power to make whatever choice you want. Just because you said you'd try to make it work doesn't mean you owe that to anyone. Your husband said he'd be faithful to you and he wasn't. So free yourself of any obligations to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you the same poster as the woman whose husband’s AP made a social media post about her time with him last year? They have a specific age gap you referenced on a couple threads?

Either way, the answer is to get out of the marriage. I’m so sorry. Your husband is no good and this isn’t a reflection on you.

Thank you but No - different poster. My DH didn't have an affair, more of a drunk work hookup.

He was on multiple dating sites but all he did was have a single drunk work hookup? Umm...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here. There are many many threads here about similar situations. Objectively, what your husband did was wrong — and he should be ashamed of his actions. If you want to blame and divorce, then go ahead. However, as other threads have shown — if he has a need and expectation for regular sex with his wife — “to have and to hold” per the old school vows — then were his needs reasonable and were you able to meet them? Probably not for many reasons. And, I am not sure he was able to meet your needs for love, affection, conversation, etc? But most men cheat for a reason — and they are condemned for it — and you get to choose how to proceed — knowing that both women and men will understand whatever choice you make.

OP here - this is fair. He has a very healthy sexual appetite, and after learning of the initial cheating over 5 years ago, I've never felt the same toward him and have not been able to have sex multiple times a week (more like 1-2 times/week).

I also think he's frequently looking at porn throughout the day and we both work from home. This grosses me out. So it's very hard to force myself to have sex multiple times/week with him.

I agree with the poster who said that no, this is not "fair." His sexual appetite is his thing to manage. And it still is his thing to manage.

I don't think you are going to get over your resentment and dislike toward him if you are making yourself have sex with him 1-2 times a week. Your therapist (who sucks) says you need to build back your marriage from the ground up, and a relationship doesn't start with maintenance sex. Sexual desire builds along with *mutual* attraction. If a fresh start is what you both need, then I think it should really be a fresh start and not you catering to his "needs" at your own expense. This includes emotional needs too.