Committed to making it work but struggling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not stuck. You are choosing the familiar path, even though that the person you thought was familiar is a lowlife stranger.

A home that houses you two is not a good place for a kid to finish growing up. Financial stability is not all that matters. Your self esteem and mental health will impact theirs (not to mention what they think is acceptable in a marriage).

Well said. OP, what do you have to lose from starting over? How can it not only be a good thing? "Traditions" make up for how he treats you? There has got to be more to the story.

[Anonymous]

Why not start making a plan for your independence?

You sound finished. That’s totally valid by the way. So make a plan and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get your own individual therapist. You need someone on your side, a marriage counselor is on the "marriage" side, not your side. You may need both. Trust will be a big issue I foresee in the future if you try to stay married.

Thanks - I've had the same thought. Our marriage counselor is basically saying we need to "start over" in our marriage - doesn't want us (me) to bring up the past. Not sure how I can do that.

It's also very hard because I'm extremely close to his family and so many family/holiday dynamics will change if we split. Everything seems easier to stick it out but I don't know how long I can do this for. Trust is very badly broken.

Do you talk in counseling about his porn addiction? That it even puts his job at risk?

The counselor is acting like it was a one off years ago. You really need someone with experience in sexual compulsivity. I do know of someone who was sex addicted and compulsive before CSA was addressed and he is monogamous now, to my knowledge.

The addictive behavior (and he is likely banging sex workers) may stem from CSA or he may have ADHD or bipolar that need to be medicated to reduce impulsivity. As is, even if he stopped porn briefly, the addiction would likely transfer to booze, etc. This kind of hypersexuality is also linked to particular drugs. This is a much more complicated situation than hooked up with a co-worker once years ago. Without more expert help and identifying the drivers, you are wasting time and $ on the counselor.

OP, any mental health or dev diagnoses in the kids or his extended family?

CODA for you and SLAA for him and see where you get.

Are you afraid if you split he will go off the rails completely? I imagine you need his income with college years approaching.

Does he interact with kids, friends, neighbors or is the porn taking up more and more of his time/focus?

Porn has long term affects and really skews your view of people, in general, OP. This isn't just looking at naked bodies - this is an affliction, and addiction - an addict always has a vice. Your DH probably sees porn as "not as bad" as other vices, which is simply not true. Is that how you want to live? Have more self-respect, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing about men who frequent sex workers (and I can almost guarantee the "couldn't follow through" is BS) -- they are perpetuating abuse whether the woman is being actively exploited by a pimp or not.

He's trash. Divorce.

+1

OP, ask yourself how you can live with a man who sees women in that dirty lens? Ask yourself what your children are learning from this? Do you think maybe you are being selfish by staying in this dysfunction?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't see this working out. He sounds like he is a sex addict. He would have to be highly motivated to change, yet, he has not.

I also think he is banging hookers. The story there seems implausible. Some men do this regardless of regular sex at home.

I hope you have spoken to a lawyer and gotten your ducks in a row. Could he be fired if his company IP detects porn during work hours?

Some men use VPNs, thinking they will not get caught, not realizing that work computers can always track, regardless. What if he loses his job, OP?

I think what he's doing is mirroring from his phone to a monitor, not using the work computer.
Although I also fear he will get caught doing something stupid on a video/zoom work call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short - My DH of almost 20 yrs (married with 2 teenagers) cheated and was caught. After digesting the impact of splitting up, I committed to trying to make it work until the kids are older/out of school, we're going to counseling etc. Then I learned he belonged to a bunch of hookup sites, and even reached out to a sex worker during a work trip (swears he couldn't follow through). I've had all the tests done and thankfully they were negative.

but - I cannot get over his actions and have lost all interest in being with someone with such poor morals and judgment. This is the type of man I wouldn't touch with a 10-foot pole if I had a clue of his actions. Married 20 years and I feel like I don't know him at all.

I've had all the tests done and thankfully they were negative. But I'm feeling stuck and very confused.

OP, I would think that your DH's behavior is really effing the kids up. Since you asked. I would worry about them right now, and consider making your own way. I really don't think there is another answer to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get your own individual therapist. You need someone on your side, a marriage counselor is on the "marriage" side, not your side. You may need both. Trust will be a big issue I foresee in the future if you try to stay married.

Thanks - I've had the same thought. Our marriage counselor is basically saying we need to "start over" in our marriage - doesn't want us (me) to bring up the past. Not sure how I can do that.

It's also very hard because I'm extremely close to his family and so many family/holiday dynamics will change if we split. Everything seems easier to stick it out but I don't know how long I can do this for. Trust is very badly broken.

Do you talk in counseling about his porn addiction? That it even puts his job at risk?

The counselor is acting like it was a one off years ago. You really need someone with experience in sexual compulsivity. I do know of someone who was sex addicted and compulsive before CSA was addressed and he is monogamous now, to my knowledge.

The addictive behavior (and he is likely banging sex workers) may stem from CSA or he may have ADHD or bipolar that need to be medicated to reduce impulsivity. As is, even if he stopped porn briefly, the addiction would likely transfer to booze, etc. This kind of hypersexuality is also linked to particular drugs. This is a much more complicated situation than hooked up with a co-worker once years ago. Without more expert help and identifying the drivers, you are wasting time and $ on the counselor.

OP, any mental health or dev diagnoses in the kids or his extended family?

CODA for you and SLAA for him and see where you get.

Are you afraid if you split he will go off the rails completely? I imagine you need his income with college years approaching.

Does he interact with kids, friends, neighbors or is the porn taking up more and more of his time/focus?

Porn has long term affects and really skews your view of people, in general, OP. This isn't just looking at naked bodies - this is an affliction, and addiction - an addict always has a vice. Your DH probably sees porn as "not as bad" as other vices, which is simply not true. Is that how you want to live? Have more self-respect, OP.

OP here - Yes, I am grossed out. His response is always that he doesn't watch porn "any more than any other man". His mother is obsessed with looks and extremely judgmental. There is a lot of her in him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get your own individual therapist. You need someone on your side, a marriage counselor is on the "marriage" side, not your side. You may need both. Trust will be a big issue I foresee in the future if you try to stay married.

Thanks - I've had the same thought. Our marriage counselor is basically saying we need to "start over" in our marriage - doesn't want us (me) to bring up the past. Not sure how I can do that.

It's also very hard because I'm extremely close to his family and so many family/holiday dynamics will change if we split. Everything seems easier to stick it out but I don't know how long I can do this for. Trust is very badly broken.

Do you talk in counseling about his porn addiction? That it even puts his job at risk?

The counselor is acting like it was a one off years ago. You really need someone with experience in sexual compulsivity. I do know of someone who was sex addicted and compulsive before CSA was addressed and he is monogamous now, to my knowledge.

The addictive behavior (and he is likely banging sex workers) may stem from CSA or he may have ADHD or bipolar that need to be medicated to reduce impulsivity. As is, even if he stopped porn briefly, the addiction would likely transfer to booze, etc. This kind of hypersexuality is also linked to particular drugs. This is a much more complicated situation than hooked up with a co-worker once years ago. Without more expert help and identifying the drivers, you are wasting time and $ on the counselor.

OP, any mental health or dev diagnoses in the kids or his extended family?

CODA for you and SLAA for him and see where you get.

Are you afraid if you split he will go off the rails completely? I imagine you need his income with college years approaching.

Does he interact with kids, friends, neighbors or is the porn taking up more and more of his time/focus?

Porn has long term affects and really skews your view of people, in general, OP. This isn't just looking at naked bodies - this is an affliction, and addiction - an addict always has a vice. Your DH probably sees porn as "not as bad" as other vices, which is simply not true. Is that how you want to live? Have more self-respect, OP.

OP here - Yes, I am grossed out. His response is always that he doesn't watch porn "any more than any other man". His mother is obsessed with looks and extremely judgmental. There is a lot of her in him.

Does he have friends? Are they more like him than not? Does he have any positive influences in his life? Do you have therapy 1:1 for yourself? I think you need an exit plan, at least this is what I would hope for you, if I knew you in real life. Does your DH tend to make people uncomfortable? I mean, you could have a better life, it seems. Can you not split the assets 50/50 and have a better life? How old are the kids? Can you arrange for certain expenses to be covered by DH? Are you working? Are you earning enough? Have you gone for a lawyer consult (likely free or minimal cost)? If it were me, I would want a friend to tell me that things really could be better than this. There seems to be more to the story, why are you sticking around? This should be one of the best times of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get your own individual therapist. You need someone on your side, a marriage counselor is on the "marriage" side, not your side. You may need both. Trust will be a big issue I foresee in the future if you try to stay married.

Thanks - I've had the same thought. Our marriage counselor is basically saying we need to "start over" in our marriage - doesn't want us (me) to bring up the past. Not sure how I can do that.

It's also very hard because I'm extremely close to his family and so many family/holiday dynamics will change if we split. Everything seems easier to stick it out but I don't know how long I can do this for. Trust is very badly broken.

Do you talk in counseling about his porn addiction? That it even puts his job at risk?

The counselor is acting like it was a one off years ago. You really need someone with experience in sexual compulsivity. I do know of someone who was sex addicted and compulsive before CSA was addressed and he is monogamous now, to my knowledge.

The addictive behavior (and he is likely banging sex workers) may stem from CSA or he may have ADHD or bipolar that need to be medicated to reduce impulsivity. As is, even if he stopped porn briefly, the addiction would likely transfer to booze, etc. This kind of hypersexuality is also linked to particular drugs. This is a much more complicated situation than hooked up with a co-worker once years ago. Without more expert help and identifying the drivers, you are wasting time and $ on the counselor.

OP, any mental health or dev diagnoses in the kids or his extended family?

CODA for you and SLAA for him and see where you get.

Are you afraid if you split he will go off the rails completely? I imagine you need his income with college years approaching.

Does he interact with kids, friends, neighbors or is the porn taking up more and more of his time/focus?

Porn has long term affects and really skews your view of people, in general, OP. This isn't just looking at naked bodies - this is an affliction, and addiction - an addict always has a vice. Your DH probably sees porn as "not as bad" as other vices, which is simply not true. Is that how you want to live? Have more self-respect, OP.

OP here - Yes, I am grossed out. His response is always that he doesn't watch porn "any more than any other man". His mother is obsessed with looks and extremely judgmental. There is a lot of her in him.

Does he have friends? Are they more like him than not? Does he have any positive influences in his life? Do you have therapy 1:1 for yourself? I think you need an exit plan, at least this is what I would hope for you, if I knew you in real life. Does your DH tend to make people uncomfortable? I mean, you could have a better life, it seems. Can you not split the assets 50/50 and have a better life? How old are the kids? Can you arrange for certain expenses to be covered by DH? Are you working? Are you earning enough? Have you gone for a lawyer consult (likely free or minimal cost)? If it were me, I would want a friend to tell me that things really could be better than this. There seems to be more to the story, why are you sticking around? This should be one of the best times of your life.

Lots of good questions. I need therapy for myself, definitely. He can be both charming but also make people feel uncomfortable. I'm struggling not only because of wanting to keep my family together, but also because I quit my career years ago to raise our kids. Financially I am not independent (regrettably, I wish I never gave up my career now).

I also fear what he will do to himself if we split. Although he's treated me with a major lack of respect, we are his world and he'll be a disaster if he loses us. He knows this now but I don't think he has the ability to control his behavior.

[Anonymous]

OP, the way you describe your H sounds like a child not like a partner. You deserve better than this and you know it. Start working on getting financial independence so you can leave him. Given the length of your marriage, it is likely that you would get alimony and half the marital assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get your own individual therapist. You need someone on your side, a marriage counselor is on the "marriage" side, not your side. You may need both. Trust will be a big issue I foresee in the future if you try to stay married.

Thanks - I've had the same thought. Our marriage counselor is basically saying we need to "start over" in our marriage - doesn't want us (me) to bring up the past. Not sure how I can do that.

It's also very hard because I'm extremely close to his family and so many family/holiday dynamics will change if we split. Everything seems easier to stick it out but I don't know how long I can do this for. Trust is very badly broken.

My brother and his wife divorced, and we all still spend holidays together. You can have it be whatever you want post-divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't see this working out. He sounds like he is a sex addict. He would have to be highly motivated to change, yet, he has not.

I also think he is banging hookers. The story there seems implausible. Some men do this regardless of regular sex at home.

I hope you have spoken to a lawyer and gotten your ducks in a row. Could he be fired if his company IP detects porn during work hours?

Some men use VPNs, thinking they will not get caught, not realizing that work computers can always track, regardless. What if he loses his job, OP?

The porn could be on his phone.

OP, if you are not a troll, you need to try to get better help re: this or you are going to be leaving your kids in a seedy seamy situation 50% of the time. You need a marriage counselor who works with sexually compulsive men and he needs a psych eval to try to identify underlying drivers. You need to be 100% clear that he is on dating sites and watching porn during the work day. It may or may not work but at least you will have tried. Who knows who or what he might bring into your kids' lives without a real attempt to address things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get your own individual therapist. You need someone on your side, a marriage counselor is on the "marriage" side, not your side. You may need both. Trust will be a big issue I foresee in the future if you try to stay married.

Thanks - I've had the same thought. Our marriage counselor is basically saying we need to "start over" in our marriage - doesn't want us (me) to bring up the past. Not sure how I can do that.

It's also very hard because I'm extremely close to his family and so many family/holiday dynamics will change if we split. Everything seems easier to stick it out but I don't know how long I can do this for. Trust is very badly broken.

Do you talk in counseling about his porn addiction? That it even puts his job at risk?

The counselor is acting like it was a one off years ago. You really need someone with experience in sexual compulsivity. I do know of someone who was sex addicted and compulsive before CSA was addressed and he is monogamous now, to my knowledge.

The addictive behavior (and he is likely banging sex workers) may stem from CSA or he may have ADHD or bipolar that need to be medicated to reduce impulsivity. As is, even if he stopped porn briefly, the addiction would likely transfer to booze, etc. This kind of hypersexuality is also linked to particular drugs. This is a much more complicated situation than hooked up with a co-worker once years ago. Without more expert help and identifying the drivers, you are wasting time and $ on the counselor.

OP, any mental health or dev diagnoses in the kids or his extended family?

CODA for you and SLAA for him and see where you get.

Are you afraid if you split he will go off the rails completely? I imagine you need his income with college years approaching.

Does he interact with kids, friends, neighbors or is the porn taking up more and more of his time/focus?

Porn has long term affects and really skews your view of people, in general, OP. This isn't just looking at naked bodies - this is an affliction, and addiction - an addict always has a vice. Your DH probably sees porn as "not as bad" as other vices, which is simply not true. Is that how you want to live? Have more self-respect, OP.

OP here - Yes, I am grossed out. His response is always that he doesn't watch porn "any more than any other man". His mother is obsessed with looks and extremely judgmental. There is a lot of her in him.

So you are married to a narcissist with a sex addiction?

Take your focus off of DH and put it on you, OP. Build yourself up, I would actually suggest group therapy for you. Come up with a timeline re: getting back to work and building your career. Get yourself stronger and in a better position and then reevaluate. Stop the marriage therapy for now.

DH needs a psych eval and targeted help for sex addiction. The making people uncomfortable suggest some underlying mental health issue that if treated could make other changes more feasible. Or it could be the narcissism, valuing some and devaluing others.

The marriage is extremely unlikely to last long term so get yourself in a better position. He will leave as his addictions progress, your sense of control is fictitious. Narcs put on a pedestal until they do a 180 and devalue. Forget focusing on your career in past, focus on today, next week, next month and on providing for your children. Sleepwalking through life in a seedy unstable relationship with a sex addict who thinks rules don't apply to him is not being a good mom. Get yourself together, OP. Narcs can be very draining, but you need to snap out of it while there is still a bit of runway left.

Coda.org for you, too.

If his mom is a judgmental narc, why do you have such affection for his family, OP? Do you have a child abuse background yourself?

I suspect this is another troll...

[Anonymous]

You may want to be evaluated for depression, OP. I'd also consider asking him to move to the guest room unless you think he'd file for divorce immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing about men who frequent sex workers (and I can almost guarantee the "couldn't follow through" is BS) -- they are perpetuating abuse whether the woman is being actively exploited by a pimp or not.

He's trash. Divorce.

+1

OP, ask yourself how you can live with a man who sees women in that dirty lens? Ask yourself what your children are learning from this? Do you think maybe you are being selfish by staying in this dysfunction?

The kids will be in the situation regardless. Imagine the wholesome ladies he would bring around?