Reply to Secretly starting to resent husband and all the care of his elderly mom

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, this isn't the best place to be asking for advice or venting. Many posters are incredibly selfish. Life is all about them, how dare any family member intrude into their lives.

The reality is that your husband's mother is in a demanding position with her dementia. You can't abandon her to the state. Someone does have to be there to make the decisions.  Your husband is doing what is right and just.

It will pass in due time. [/quote]

Red flag. The word "selfish" is thrown like a dagger to manipulate people into feeling guilty for having boundaries. Reject that manipulation. You have a right to outsource. The health of the family you create comes first. I don't know about you, but I was left with any sitter who was breathing and over the age of 8 as a kid and fended for myself a lot. Even pulling back he will be providing a lot better care than many of us received as kids.

I did not set boundaries for too long and my health and the mental and physical health of one of my kids suffered greatly. I made a mistake and re-calibrated. Mom is well cared for by people trained to deal with her. We have someone trained to advocate and make medical decisions. When I see her I no longer feel angry, burned out and resentful and when she gets difficult, I can leave and know she has a professional ally.[/quote]

Outsource what?

Grandma has dementia and is in assistant living/hospice/hospitals.

What do you expect? Say sorry to grandma and tell her she's on her own when she's not capable of doing anything or making decisions? Really?

OP's husband clearly has power of attorney and is the designated person with the legal responsibility for his mother. Which means by default he does have to be there to sign the papers and deal with the needs.

[b]Kids and OP have to understand that right now they are not the most important people around. And that is why you come across as selfish and self-centered because it's all about you, right? That's why words like "boundaries" are major red flags. YOU are not important. Accept it. [/b]

Right now I am dealing with aging parents that is taking up more time than I'd like but it's the right thing to do. Just as they sacrificed all their time for me as a child as that was the right thing to do, too. Selfishness has no place here. [/quote]

At what point should kids be "the most important people" to their own father?  Because for the past 5 years, they haven't been.[/quote]

They'll cope.

Do you really think the kids are angry and resentful of grandma? The kids *know* grandma is in a difficult place. They know why dad is so busy with grandma. The kids naturally assume they have a life that is infinity stretching ahead of them. This is just how the dice is rolling for the family and it sucks but there really is no alternative other than to abandon grandma to the state and deal with the ethics of it and dad is clearly not going to do that, understandably. The kids are learning something about the reality of life and the importance of caring for family. [/quote]

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