Anyone else going through this? Wary about discussing kids' success around public school family members

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am wary of people like you OP pretending to be upper class when your HHI is nothing.

Mine is way over 2 mil a year. Doubt you can compare. And my kids all went to publc school.

And oh dear they all went to better colleges than your kids I can guarantee it.

And we could tell within 30 seconds of meeting your kids that they went to public. That plebian stamp is hard to mask.

DP. Who cares if you can tell? Nothing to mask and nothing to be ashamed of.

Some people find the stench off-putting but with your adequate HHI you seem to have it all figured out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am wary of people like you OP pretending to be upper class when your HHI is nothing.

Mine is way over 2 mil a year. Doubt you can compare. And my kids all went to publc school.

And oh dear they all went to better colleges than your kids I can guarantee it.

Good for you. Sounds like such a decadent life. And yet here you are, reading and posting on a private school forum on a Friday afternoon. You must be very confident in your decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

Just talk about what the kids are interested in (hobbies, ECs, a few favored subjects, maybe future career plans).

I hated my family bragging on me and my cousins didn't like it much either. Our side was smarter, their side was richer. Jealousy corrodes relationships between family that are not closely bonded. Don't let it.

Figure out fun things to do together that don't involve lots of chat.

I'm OP. I'm fine with family bragging and talking up your kids. In our family everything is fair game. It's family and we're all middle to upper middle class. (To me, bragging about kids becomes classless when you're in public around non-family.) The issue is now when talking up our kids, we're talking about teens that are very clearly on different levels. I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.

Is the bolded for real? Did no one ever teach you that it is rude to brag?

I’m very surprised that anyone thinks it is okay to brag.

[Anonymous]

This is the best DCUM post I've ever seen to be expertly targeting the public vs private school angry and defensive posters on either side. It's only been a few pages and everyone already hates each other and has lined up their arguments for why the other side is full of idiots. Free entertainment for the rest of the day, go pop your popcorn!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not OP and not a troll. This is happening to our family. It’s driving our kids apart from their public school cousins at gatherings. When they offer to play pedestrian games like hide and seek and our kids respond with suggestions of math proofs, the blank looks on their faces speak volumes. We can’t even engage in our typical family practices around our extended family, like speaking Latin at the dinner table. We swallowed our pride and spoke the king’s English at my nephews birthday dinner but it felt so low brow. I do hope it gets better.

Best post of the day!!

Agree! Thank you for this!

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

Just talk about what the kids are interested in (hobbies, ECs, a few favored subjects, maybe future career plans).

I hated my family bragging on me and my cousins didn't like it much either. Our side was smarter, their side was richer. Jealousy corrodes relationships between family that are not closely bonded. Don't let it.

Figure out fun things to do together that don't involve lots of chat.

I'm OP. I'm fine with family bragging and talking up your kids. In our family everything is fair game. It's family and we're all middle to upper middle class. (To me, bragging about kids becomes classless when you're in public around non-family.) The issue is now when talking up our kids, we're talking about teens that are very clearly on different levels. I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.

This is cracking me up how serious and earnest you seem to be about this. You know how when you were all first time parents with young kids, some got all caught up in milestones and who walked at X months and who sang ABCs at Y age and were constantly obsessing and comparing and bragging…and some had the wisdom and perspective to say, “yep, literally none of this will matter in 5/10 years”? You’re being the former, right now. You sound so so silly, it was almost painful to read that

This. I was part of these types of conversations 5-10 years ago when I worked at a private school and my kids went to public. My goodness did people think that their children were living an entirely different life than the proles like us. By college, their lives were shockingly just about the same again: similar colleges, similar jobs, the only difference was their sense of entitlement.

[Anonymous]

We're the public school folks with kids who mumble. We have some distant relatives with highly accomplished private school kids. It's fine when they talk about what their kids are doing (winning awards, taking classes in Europe), since it's a natural topic of conversation. They don't seem to be bragging or putting down our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're the public school folks with kids who mumble. We have some distant relatives with highly accomplished private school kids. It's fine when they talk about what their kids are doing (winning awards, taking classes in Europe), since it's a natural topic of conversation. They don't seem to be bragging or putting down our kids.

Are you sure or is it all going over your head?

[Anonymous]

OP,

This is not about private vs public. There are plenty of kids in public who do a dozen or more APs, take Latin (I know that was a different PP!), win competitions, etc. My kids included. We live in a wealthy area with a mix of private and private school families. There is no difference in college outcome, actually, unless the kid is a recruited athlete or has alumni parents.

When you feel that your situation is vastly superior to others', in any category, the rule is to stop sharing so much and to make sure to celebrate their successes. One of my teens is gifted: I've had years of practice not sharing all she does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

Just talk about what the kids are interested in (hobbies, ECs, a few favored subjects, maybe future career plans).

I hated my family bragging on me and my cousins didn't like it much either. Our side was smarter, their side was richer. Jealousy corrodes relationships between family that are not closely bonded. Don't let it.

Figure out fun things to do together that don't involve lots of chat.

I'm OP. I'm fine with family bragging and talking up your kids. In our family everything is fair game. It's family and we're all middle to upper middle class. (To me, bragging about kids becomes classless when you're in public around non-family.) The issue is now when talking up our kids, we're talking about teens that are very clearly on different levels. I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.

And they think your kids are snobby, not refined. They think you’re wasting good money on private school. They think you’re throwing away your kids’ childhoods for the sake of some fancy college. Let it go.

And why does anyone know how many honors classes anyone’s kids are in or what their ACT scores are? This whole situation sounds toxic. When we are with the extended family, we bake things with our nieces and nephews, the kids play video games, we talk about their favorite shows, what position are they playing, what new skill did they learn in dance class. Everything isn’t a competition, and I guarantee your family finds your viewpoint unsettling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

Just talk about what the kids are interested in (hobbies, ECs, a few favored subjects, maybe future career plans).

I hated my family bragging on me and my cousins didn't like it much either. Our side was smarter, their side was richer. Jealousy corrodes relationships between family that are not closely bonded. Don't let it.

Figure out fun things to do together that don't involve lots of chat.

I'm OP. I'm fine with family bragging and talking up your kids. In our family everything is fair game. It's family and we're all middle to upper middle class. (To me, bragging about kids becomes classless when you're in public around non-family.) The issue is now when talking up our kids, we're talking about teens that are very clearly on different levels. I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.

Is the bolded for real? Did no one ever teach you that it is rude to brag?

I’m very surprised that anyone thinks it is okay to brag.

I don’t consider it bragging when my husband is on the phone or having a drink in the basement bar talking to his brothers about all the kids. It’s just adult siblings talking up their kids. They brag, joking around, and some lighthearted sarcasm. Anything goes in a big outgoing family. But as our private school kids get older and more defined, that distance they’re created versus their public school teenage cousins is making me increasingly uncomfortable. Almost like a feeling of guilt or embarrassment. It’s difficult to express in words. I wasn’t sure if I was alone in feeling this way. It’s hard to participate in the same family conversations, at least with the same transparency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

This is not about private vs public. There are plenty of kids in public who do a dozen or more APs, take Latin (I know that was a different PP!), win competitions, etc. My kids included. We live in a wealthy area with a mix of private and private school families. There is no difference in college outcome, actually, unless the kid is a recruited athlete or has alumni parents.

When you feel that your situation is vastly superior to others', in any category, the rule is to stop sharing so much and to make sure to celebrate their successes. One of my teens is gifted: I've had years of practice not sharing all she does.

100% this right here, OP. Read and absorb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

Just talk about what the kids are interested in (hobbies, ECs, a few favored subjects, maybe future career plans).

I hated my family bragging on me and my cousins didn't like it much either. Our side was smarter, their side was richer. Jealousy corrodes relationships between family that are not closely bonded. Don't let it.

Figure out fun things to do together that don't involve lots of chat.

I'm OP. I'm fine with family bragging and talking up your kids. In our family everything is fair game. It's family and we're all middle to upper middle class. (To me, bragging about kids becomes classless when you're in public around non-family.) The issue is now when talking up our kids, we're talking about teens that are very clearly on different levels. I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.

Is the bolded for real? Did no one ever teach you that it is rude to brag?

I’m very surprised that anyone thinks it is okay to brag.

I don’t consider it bragging when my husband is on the phone or having a drink in the basement bar talking to his brothers about all the kids. It’s just adult siblings talking up their kids. They brag, joking around, and some lighthearted sarcasm. Anything goes in a big outgoing family. But as our private school kids get older and more defined, that distance they’re created versus their public school teenage cousins is making me increasingly uncomfortable. Almost like a feeling of guilt or embarrassment. It’s difficult to express in words. I wasn’t sure if I was alone in feeling this way. It’s hard to participate in the same family conversations, at least with the same transparency.

Just stop. You are making this worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

Just talk about what the kids are interested in (hobbies, ECs, a few favored subjects, maybe future career plans).

I hated my family bragging on me and my cousins didn't like it much either. Our side was smarter, their side was richer. Jealousy corrodes relationships between family that are not closely bonded. Don't let it.

Figure out fun things to do together that don't involve lots of chat.

I'm OP. I'm fine with family bragging and talking up your kids. In our family everything is fair game. It's family and we're all middle to upper middle class. (To me, bragging about kids becomes classless when you're in public around non-family.) The issue is now when talking up our kids, we're talking about teens that are very clearly on different levels. I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.

Is the bolded for real? Did no one ever teach you that it is rude to brag?

I’m very surprised that anyone thinks it is okay to brag.

I don’t consider it bragging when my husband is on the phone or having a drink in the basement bar talking to his brothers about all the kids. It’s just adult siblings talking up their kids. They brag, joking around, and some lighthearted sarcasm. Anything goes in a big outgoing family. But as our private school kids get older and more defined, that distance they’re created versus their public school teenage cousins is making me increasingly uncomfortable. Almost like a feeling of guilt or embarrassment. It’s difficult to express in words. I wasn’t sure if I was alone in feeling this way. It’s hard to participate in the same family conversations, at least with the same transparency.

DP. Plenty of cousins drift apart anyway as teens. Maybe they just don’t have a lot in common generally. That’s ok. Let the kids determine their own relationships. And let your husband deal
with his own sibling relationships. Why this is all so unsettling and uncomfortable to you is odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am wary of people like you OP pretending to be upper class when your HHI is nothing.

Mine is way over 2 mil a year. Doubt you can compare. And my kids all went to publc school.

And oh dear they all went to better colleges than your kids I can guarantee it.

And we could tell within 30 seconds of meeting your kids that they went to public. That plebian stamp is hard to mask.

DP. Who cares if you can tell? Nothing to mask and nothing to be ashamed of.

Some people find the stench off-putting but with your adequate HHI you seem to have it all figured out.

Damn if I could bottle that stench I’d douse you in it