Obese spouse...I'm tired of this.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have a lot of tolerance for grown men who don’t lift weight regularly. I am 55 years old, work 6 days a week, long hours every day and I manage to hit the gym 5 days a week. I go in at 4:30 am and workout until 6:00 am 5 days a week. And yes I am still enjoying life. But I don’t snack or drink beers every night.

It’s far easier for men to see INSTANT results from working out. Testosterone is a huge advantage that we guys have because it makes exercising easier and our body respond faster.

So your DH needs to stop being lazy and take his fat ass to the gym.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

As someone married to an obese spouse, I'll tell you on top of all the worry it's also very hard to get life insurance for someone at that weight/with these health issues.

I don't know any easy solution. My spouse certainly would prefer not to be obese - but also makes choices I find confounding and (frankly) sometimes infuriating. Is on weight loss drugs (for diabetes) - they have yet to lead to any weight loss - and all kinds of other meds, which, thankfully, do seem to be working.

I try to look at this as a medical issue - I would not divorce my spouse over cancer, I'm not going to divorce my spouse over obesity. But I really also do get frustrated when they are ordering the largest and most sugary drinks at Starbucks, and sneaking a trip through the drive-thru, and eating cookies all the time, and sitting on the couch for hours and hours.

I also recognize that while I can encourage good eating, and encourage some movement, none of this is in my control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

As someone married to an obese spouse, I'll tell you on top of all the worry it's also very hard to get life insurance for someone at that weight/with these health issues.

I don't know any easy solution. My spouse certainly would prefer not to be obese - but also makes choices I find confounding and (frankly) sometimes infuriating. Is on weight loss drugs (for diabetes) - they have yet to lead to any weight loss - and all kinds of other meds, which, thankfully, do seem to be working.

I try to look at this as a medical issue - I would not divorce my spouse over cancer, I'm not going to divorce my spouse over obesity. But I really also do get frustrated when they are ordering the largest and most sugary drinks at Starbucks, and sneaking a trip through the drive-thru, and eating cookies all the time, and sitting on the couch for hours and hours.

I also recognize that while I can encourage good eating, and encourage some movement, none of this is in my control.

The obesity is a medical issue, yes, but it is caused by lifestyle choices. As you describe here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

As someone married to an obese spouse, I'll tell you on top of all the worry it's also very hard to get life insurance for someone at that weight/with these health issues.

I don't know any easy solution. My spouse certainly would prefer not to be obese - but also makes choices I find confounding and (frankly) sometimes infuriating. Is on weight loss drugs (for diabetes) - they have yet to lead to any weight loss - and all kinds of other meds, which, thankfully, do seem to be working.

I try to look at this as a medical issue - I would not divorce my spouse over cancer, I'm not going to divorce my spouse over obesity. But I really also do get frustrated when they are ordering the largest and most sugary drinks at Starbucks, and sneaking a trip through the drive-thru, and eating cookies all the time, and sitting on the couch for hours and hours.

I also recognize that while I can encourage good eating, and encourage some movement, none of this is in my control.

The obesity is a medical issue, yes, but it is caused by lifestyle choices. As you describe here.

Yep. Being fat is a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread reminds me so much of talking to old ladies partnered with men who have Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s.

I know that it’s hard and scary, but maybe sometimes men get sick and you don’t have to blame them and yell at them about it.

As the kid of someone with Parkinson's, so much of it really is just terrible luck - and also there are actually things they can do to preserve mobility and health, and it can be extremely maddeningly frustratingly to see them just flat out refuse to do those things.

So yeah, there are some similarities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

As someone married to an obese spouse, I'll tell you on top of all the worry it's also very hard to get life insurance for someone at that weight/with these health issues.

I don't know any easy solution. My spouse certainly would prefer not to be obese - but also makes choices I find confounding and (frankly) sometimes infuriating. Is on weight loss drugs (for diabetes) - they have yet to lead to any weight loss - and all kinds of other meds, which, thankfully, do seem to be working.

I try to look at this as a medical issue - I would not divorce my spouse over cancer, I'm not going to divorce my spouse over obesity. But I really also do get frustrated when they are ordering the largest and most sugary drinks at Starbucks, and sneaking a trip through the drive-thru, and eating cookies all the time, and sitting on the couch for hours and hours.

I also recognize that while I can encourage good eating, and encourage some movement, none of this is in my control.

The obesity is a medical issue, yes, but it is caused by lifestyle choices. As you describe here.

I'm the PP - and it's not just one or the other. They come from a family of seriously overweight people - there is a genetic factor. Plus a metabolic disorder. The last time my spouse was a normal weight - and even then they were overweight - they were virtually anorexic.

There are, of course, so many things they could do to mitigate. But only very thin people - and I count myself among them - can possibly think that a little less eating, a little more exercise, would make the whole difference.

[Anonymous]

I am a skinny man married to an obese spouse. Regardless of your good intentions, you MUST very careful how you address the issue of weight with obese wives. Obese men will listen to their wives and won’t be offended. The obese wife on the other hand will blow up at you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

As someone married to an obese spouse, I'll tell you on top of all the worry it's also very hard to get life insurance for someone at that weight/with these health issues.

I don't know any easy solution. My spouse certainly would prefer not to be obese - but also makes choices I find confounding and (frankly) sometimes infuriating. Is on weight loss drugs (for diabetes) - they have yet to lead to any weight loss - and all kinds of other meds, which, thankfully, do seem to be working.

I try to look at this as a medical issue - I would not divorce my spouse over cancer, I'm not going to divorce my spouse over obesity. But I really also do get frustrated when they are ordering the largest and most sugary drinks at Starbucks, and sneaking a trip through the drive-thru, and eating cookies all the time, and sitting on the couch for hours and hours.

I also recognize that while I can encourage good eating, and encourage some movement, none of this is in my control.

The obesity is a medical issue, yes, but it is caused by lifestyle choices. As you describe here.

I'm the PP - and it's not just one or the other. They come from a family of seriously overweight people - there is a genetic factor. Plus a metabolic disorder. The last time my spouse was a normal weight - and even then they were overweight - they were virtually anorexic.

There are, of course, so many things they could do to mitigate. But only very thin people - and I count myself among them - can possibly think that a little less eating, a little more exercise, would make the whole difference.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a skinny man married to an obese spouse. Regardless of your good intentions, you MUST very careful how you address the issue of weight with obese wives. Obese men will listen to their wives and won’t be offended. The obese wife on the other hand will blow up at you.

How would you know? Were you married to an obese man before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing you can do. My close co-worker's husband (late 40s) just had a heart attack due to his lifestyle. it's put pressure on her to continue caring for their two young children (9 and 5, I believe) and she's really irritated about it. She's had to miss work, stretch herself, and take a financial hit since he is an hourly worker (electrician). There is impact to you. Hopefully you have life insurance on him from when you were younger.

The only advice I have is to share how this impacts YOU. Ultimately, though, he has to want to change. I'm sorry, it sucks.

This.

Everyone has told my Obese BMI husband to get his act together and lose weight- eat less, start exercising, get a normal sleep schedule.
He won’t. He has other problems too so lashed out at most suggestions and digs in more. Why anyone would do that about their own health and appearance beats me, but I have detached and stopped caring.

His obesity reflects his priorities not mine. He was obese as a teen as well; his parents were neglectful, focused on the asd/dyslexic younger brother, and the dad brought home a sugary store pie every night. That was love to them: sugar, sweets and dessert. Still is.

I can’t help him. I tried for 12+ years and now it’s out of control. He inhales food and eats portions like he’s a linebacker. Oh well.

One kid has the same impulse eating issues and lying about it as him. I basically can’t keep stuff in the house she’ll eat a 2 week supply in 24 hours.

He just bought $50 of Girl Scout cookies. Who knows where they are, hope the two kids don’t eat and hide them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you cook food that he likes and encourage him to eat enough at meals? No one gets food from a vending machine unless they are hungry.

lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When a spouse has an addiction, to booze, drugs, risky behaviors, sugar, processed food, everyday life feels like watching them play Russian roulette with not only their life but the marriage and family bonds too, and finances as so many have raised.

Whether it's undiagnosed mental illness, trauma, dopamine issues, etc. it all gets avoided by life shortening behaviors.

I know this is taking a toll on all of us who are loved ones.

Having lived with a family member who is 50 lbs overweight (mom) and another family member who was an alcoholic, these are NOT the same thing at all. They don’t have the same effect on the family, on finances, on work, on the person’s health, nothing.

Being overweight doesn’t cause people to do or say stupid things. People don’t put themselves or family members in imminently dangerous situations (like driving drunk) due to obesity. There is NO WAY these are at all the same category of thing.

I will say that this insane narrative does have the spouses on this thread acting crazy. OP and a few others could probably benefit from reading a little about codependency or some ala-non literature.
I mean, searching through his belongings to find wrappers and looking through your credit card bill for vending machine charges is kind of crazy. You need to let that stuff go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. I’ve been in your shoes. My DH had two heart attacks and stents put in, and still did not change. Then he had a stroke and is now permanently brain damaged as well as partially paralyzed. Your husband needs to prioritize his health. He is a ticking time bomb and if he winds up with a serious health outcome, your life and your children’s lives could be ruined. Your DH is shirking a serious responsibility to his family. If I’d known then what I know now, I would have divorced. In your shoes I’d give him an ultimatum.

Just put him in a home if his poor decisions lead to him being a fat immobile vegetable.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]

The PP here. He had a well paid job with excellent benefits. If he’d taken better care of himself, his blood pressure would’ve been under control. If he had the stroke anyway, his recovery would’ve been easier. He was under good medical care but just didn’t do what he needed to do. He thought if it came down to it he’d just have a heart attack and die, or die in his sleep. I warned him he could have a stroke and live in a condition he would hate, with paralysis and/or brain damage. And very sadly, that’s exactly what happened. And it has ruined his family’s lives as well as his own. [/quote]

It’s hard to know if he would have had the stroke anyway, even if he had lost weight.
Here is a review article on all of the available literature if it helps. It’s from 2006, but I can’t find anything published after that:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7390193/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread reminds me so much of talking to old ladies partnered with men who have Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s.

I know that it’s hard and scary, but maybe sometimes men get sick and you don’t have to blame them and yell at them about it.

No it doesn’t.

If you know heart disease runs in your family you should be extra careful how you eat and continue to exercise your heart muscle.

If not you know that too large of portions, unhealthy food, too much food, lack of activity, too much alcohol/ coffee sweeteners, too frequency of sugary or fatty desserts is bad for you. Stop doing that so frequently.

If you don’t get it under control, you may find yourself in the addict category. Your body now addicted to over-eating, sweets, processed foods, overly salty foods, etc. Then you have a bigger battle.

And if at any time you were overweight or obese as a child and don’t understand how or why, you are more susceptible to falling into those bad habits and getting obese again.

It takes discipline and a conscious effort.
Like most of life’s accomplishments.

Only after you have improved your diet and activity level for a sustained about of months can you start looking into surgeries or drugs. If you need a kickstart, sure they’ll take your $250 a monthly ozempic shot to feel less hungry.