DS14 said something very rude and ungrateful during the holidays and I still don’t know if we handle it well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS14 (overall) is a good kid. He’s motivated at school, in sports and at home. We don’t have major issues with bad attitudes or laziness. He’s fairly responsible for a teenage boy and we really only have to interfere seldomly.

My in-laws are divorced and we usually spend Christmas with my FIL in late December. He (FIL) is a good man. He’s not the super affectionate type but he loves our kids. He is genuinely interested in who they are as people and has always spoken to them like they were unique individuals.

For all three of our kids he has a college savings fund he started for them when they were babies. At 14 DS already has enough money in his college savings to attend any university he desired and was able to get into. He’s been told about this account for years and know it’s a privilege many kids do not get. Because my FIL ours so much $$$$ into the account every year he doesn’t do Christmas or birthday gifts. Just a card.

This has never been anything my kids ever brought up until DS decided to make an incredibly rude (and out of character) remark in front of his Grandfather when given the card.

He kind of was grumpy the entire day due to staying up the night before. He wasn’t thrilled about going to visit FIl but didn’t protest too much.

We had a good time and after eating FIL handed all of our kids their Christmas card and DS goes, “let me guess, another empty card.”

DH immediately snapped at him and told him that was rude. Then I explained how grateful he’ll be when he is able to graduate college without student loan debt.

DS responded, “oh yeah, so grateful for a gift I didn’t ever ask for.”

DH got angry and asked him to step outside. I apologies to FIL who was put off by the comment. DH had discussion about gratefulness and then we decided to ground him from one of his big gifts (gaming computer) for this month in hopes the absence of the gift would teach him a lesson but I’m not sure it is. He apologized to his Grandfather but I don’t think he understands how rude the comment was or how big of a deal it is his grandfather does this for him.

I know he’s only 14 but his siblings are younger and we’re very genuinely outwardly grateful. I feel like they didn’t have any expectations for gifts even if they also don’t fully understand the gravity of this account.

Any ideas on what would be an appropriate consequence? How to get the lesson through his head?

This is a present to you, not your kid. Why would he need to graduate with student loan debt if grandfather stopped contributing? Why have you been telling him about the account for years?

I think you are concerned the bank of FIL may close.

Did your son know his college account was fully funded by then? Sometimes you can give you child too much information about finances. He probably knows he can push the limits without it affecting his future.

[Anonymous]

I strongly disagree that 14 is too young to understand the value and significance of the gift his grandfather had given him. I talk about money frequently with my children, they understand (age 13 and 10) the different options / choices we have available because of our current financial status (yes we can afford for you to join the travel soccer team and the AAU basketball team at X dollars per year because we live below our means and balance savings with lifestyle).

I would be deeply mortified if he made that type of entitled and careless comment to any family member. After sufficient discussion and punishment (I think withholding the gaming computer for a month was a great thing) I would look for a one week personal finance camp (Montgomery College and Spark Business Academy have a few options) and include him more frequently in household finance discussions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are very wealthy and he’s entitled. You need to teach him about money. My parents have money and no gift and no college fund. They know to keep those comments to us only.

We are not very wealthy, at least by DCUM standards. We aren’t struggling but would not be able to afford to send all three kids to college without digging into our savings and retirement.

My FIL is well off and was able to do this, but not enough where it’s like a drop in the bucket for him to be able to afford this.

We are all very thankful. We have not raised our kids to be entitled or expect more than they are given. None of our kids have shown this level of disrespect and ungratefulness until this incident.

Like I said, it was out of character.

He was definitely out of line.

However, (and again, he absolutely shouldn’t have said it) I can kind of see his point a bit because really, the college tuition is your FIL’s gift to you and your husband.

Do you control these “accounts;” have you seen the statements? Because if not, I’d strongly caution you about being so certain their school is paid for. Elderly parents have a way of not actually delivering on these types of promises when it’s time to come up with the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP and spouse had to tell kids about the college fund because otherwise it would seem as if grandpa didn't give them any gift at all. Since they know he isn't poor, that would seem very odd.

I'd do 2 things. First, explain that grandpa can change the beneficiary of the 529. (within limits, he can.) If GS seems ungrateful for the gift, he might just do that. In that case,GS won't be going to college or will have to work his way through because you haven't saved. Second explain that if grandpa wasn't doing this, the family couldn't take nice vacations..or he couldn't play on a travel team (if he does) or do something else he enjoys or live in the school district because you can only afford your house because you don't have to save for college. In other words, explain how grandpa's generosity benefits him now..if it does.

I think it's at least possible that OP's son is not sure he wants to go to college but hasn't said so yet. If he is ambivalent, he might see the fact that the money is there as something to bludgeon him into doing so. If he's thinking he'd like to join the military or become a plumber or electrician or even just stay at home and going to the local community college, he might see this "gift" as pressure to do something he isn't sure he wants to do.

So, basically tell the kid that his parents are f**k ups. At least that's honest and then the kid understands what is happening and why the parents need him to be more appreciative.

[Anonymous]

He better write a really good thank you / apology letter. It might go over better if you do an exercise first where her gets an imaginary amount of money and shows you how far it'll go to pay for college/transport/good/books/rent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have this all wrong. That the kids grandfather is fully funding his college is completely irrelevant. No matter what gift the grandfather gives them, even if it’s just a card, a “good kid“ says thank you. That’s it. Your kid should have his ass kicked. I would absolutely kill my kid for this. I’m not kidding. And it would have nothing to do with the college fund.

Yeah…the college fund is irrelevant. Even if grandfather got him nothing but a card, you say thank you and move on. I’m sure your son got plenty for Christmas, even without the hundreds of thousands of dollars his grandfather has set aside for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure taking away his gaming computer for just a month makes any difference, other than teach your teen to 'act' a certain way in front of certain people even if he feels the opposite. 14 is old enough to know that your family (at least DH's side) is wealthy so this is just about par for the course for how such an entitled teen might act.

Learning how to act appropriately in social situations is a key life skill. It might keep him from being fired someday.

[Anonymous]

He needs a job, even if it is an off the book cash job. He needs to understand that time is a commodity (everyone has a limited amount) and time is money. How many hours does it take working at whatever rate to be able to afford his gaming system, or a new pair of shoes, or an iPhone or a card. Those hours working to raise a certain amount of money a person gives up doing something else (working instead of gaming, hanging out with friends, etc).

It sounds like he does not have a real appreciation of a dollar earned and how much things cost. What his grandfather has given him is an amazing gift in a college fund. A college education debt free enables him to not have to earn that money later in debt repayment. It is freedom, time and less stress.

I would have him get a job, or make up one at home to earn money to then buy his grandfather a card and send him a thank you. He can rake leaves, shovel snow, do the laundry, cook a meal, whatever. The point is to understand someone earned that money (his grandfather) and decided to give it to him. Money buys time.

[Anonymous]

I think making a huge deal out of this could damage the relationship between your ds and his grandpa. Grandpa is hurt, and now your ds is hurt too because his short rude outburst has become this crazy big drama over thousands of dollars of tuition. Teens are not perfect, and seeing adults react very strongly to a slight can be tough on them and make them withdraw further emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if this is entitlement so much as moody rude teen lashing out. That doesn't make it ok but I would want to know what his patterns are before deciding on tackling entitled ungrateful attitudes or controlling behavior and mood swings

+1
Is he learning an adolescent ‘tude from his friends? I’m not even sure he understands quite how rude his comment was, bc as others have mentioned, he doesn’t understand what an amazing gift your FIL is providing; just superficially bummed that other friends got this, that, and the other current teen must-haves in big shiny boxes under the tree.
Not at all saying the behavior is excusable or that there shouldn’t be consequences—just that like PP above, I agree you need to pinpoint the issue and address that. For example instead of taking away gaming equipment because he “is entitled” or “doesn’t understand the value of a dollar”, which to non-income-earning adolescents just sound like really abstract insults, I think you should make him earn any money he wants for any purchases in the near future, and make him sign up to volunteer in the community as well (so he spends that time without the gaming console doing something selfless, instead of simply diverting to his phone or other device). He may not understand money yet, but he will understand the currency of time.

[Anonymous]

I think you handled it well, and also like the idea of (broadly) explaining that FIL’s college savings have meant that instead of putting away 1k/month/kid or whatever, you’ve had discretionary income for camp, travels, sports, whatever. It’s also one of those things where the magnitude of this privilege may not be fully understood until DH is an adult, 14s just aren’t wired to think about school tuition as a gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think making a huge deal out of this could damage the relationship between your ds and his grandpa. Grandpa is hurt, and now your ds is hurt too because his short rude outburst has become this crazy big drama over thousands of dollars of tuition. Teens are not perfect, and seeing adults react very strongly to a slight can be tough on them and make them withdraw further emotionally.

We are grandparents ourselves but still understand teenagers. If I were the grandfather, I’d know that kid was acting like a moody 14 year old little shit and meant nothing by it and it would roll right off of me.

What bothers me about this whole thread is the focus on the college fund. It just DOES NOT MATTER. In fact, it says a lot to me about OP’s parenting that that is why she is so upset with her son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You handled this specific incident fine in my book, but that entitlement and ingratitude monster is strong in him. You have your work cut out for you.

Or he was a sleep deprived 14 year old experimenting with being what he thought of as hilariously sarcastic or something. It was undeniably incredibly rude and there’s every chance when he’s older he will be mortified by it. I don’t think it’s necessarily time to send him to a reduction camp because of one (extremely ill advised) comment.

Agree with this. 14 year olds can have stupid moments. So can adults for that matter. You explain why the comment was inappropriate. An unrelated punishment isn't going to make that point any clearer.

We saved for college. My mother gave each kid the equivalent of one semester. From the kid's perspective they just knew college was paid for and whether it was us or grandma wasn't particularly relevant to them. And at 14 they were in 8th/9th grade and really didn't have much of an appreciation for college, what it cost, or that to have private college fully paid for wasn't something everyone had.

[Anonymous]

wow that is one rude kid. Yes I get it, kids don't think of college funds as "their money", they probably thunk of it as YOUR money since they assume you'd pay for their college. I'd show him the balance and tell him that because FIL funded it, he can now go anywhere, go abroad, live-in a fancy college apartment, WHATEVER, and that is a huge gift that YOU would not be able to do for him.

I'd then make him write a thank you for his grandfather and an apology. If he doesn't, I would tell him you're transferring the funds to his siblings and he'll have to pay for it himself, time to get a job sonny!

[Anonymous]

I think everyone is missing the part about how the kid was tired and grumpy from staying up all night. While what he said was bad, I've definitely said things I regret due to sleep deprivation. If you have a conversation with your son when you're both calm about his reaction and you explaining why your dad funding college is huge and that it hurt your dad's feelings and what does your son want to do to make amends.

Also, the logical consequence is not allowing him to spend so much time gaming that it's disrupting his sleep and making him act like a jerk.