Can anyone please explain the mindset of parents who allow “failure to launch”?

[Anonymous]

Once men are of the age of 16 or so they know they are stronger than a woman and will not listen if they don't want to. The choices for women are either enable and have a relationship, hold some accountability for things you have control over, or low relationship based on the child's will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH's nephews are big examples of failure to launch, including a lack of college (failed sporadically taken classes at NOVA), lack of employment (both go for years with no job, then work at a place like the Amazon warehouse for a few months, and then get fired for not showing up because they didn't get out of bed), and addiction to cannabis and video games.

The father was unmedicated and mentally ill and screamed at them a lot (we don't know if he physically abused them or not, but probably); he terrorized them. He died several years ago. The mother was totally enmeshed with the boys and used her them for all of the emotional intimacy she didn't get from her DH -- so she kept them infantalized. She never disciplined them, never said anything about the constant smell of weed.

The are now mid-thirties and nothing has changed. They still live at home. The mother gives them money. The mother makes dinner every night as if they were 10 years old. They do nothing to help out (the mother recently hired someone to freaking mow their lawn). One of them does do the grocery shopping -- but he does it because his mother gives him her debit card and he uses it to get cash back (and of course she never says anything about this).

This sounds so bleak and heartbreaking in so many ways. My cousin has a somewhat similar situation. The DH wasn't abusive with the family but very dysfunctional to the point she had to divorce him to keep the kids and her job.

Sadly neither of her sons, who are in their early thirties, work. She has thrown herself into her job, which can be draining but she also finds rewarding, and retreated from her siblings as well as some of our cousins with whom she had been very close for decades. She is embarassed and lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH's nephews are big examples of failure to launch, including a lack of college (failed sporadically taken classes at NOVA), lack of employment (both go for years with no job, then work at a place like the Amazon warehouse for a few months, and then get fired for not showing up because they didn't get out of bed), and addiction to cannabis and video games.

The father was unmedicated and mentally ill and screamed at them a lot (we don't know if he physically abused them or not, but probably); he terrorized them. He died several years ago. The mother was totally enmeshed with the boys and used her them for all of the emotional intimacy she didn't get from her DH -- so she kept them infantalized. She never disciplined them, never said anything about the constant smell of weed.

The are now mid-thirties and nothing has changed. They still live at home. The mother gives them money. The mother makes dinner every night as if they were 10 years old. They do nothing to help out (the mother recently hired someone to freaking mow their lawn). One of them does do the grocery shopping -- but he does it because his mother gives him her debit card and he uses it to get cash back (and of course she never says anything about this).

This sounds so bleak and heartbreaking in so many ways. My cousin has a somewhat similar situation. The DH wasn't abusive with the family but very dysfunctional to the point she had to divorce him to keep the kids and her job.

Sadly neither of her sons, who are in their early thirties, work. She has thrown herself into her job, which can be draining but she also finds rewarding, and retreated from her siblings as well as some of our cousins with whom she had been very close for decades. She is embarassed and lonely.

I mean...now bad parenting is a valid reason your kids can remain unemployed for their entire lives?

[Anonymous]

I have a few nieces and nephews who have failed to launch after great educations and they are well into their 30s. Their fathers were all successful (mothers SAH) so it’s not like they didn’t see hard work pay off. I have no idea if the parents are subsidizing them but I’m sure some are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he has some mental health issues and they are allowing him a safe place while he works on them? Why do you care?

This. And no, they wouldn't share this personal information with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a few nieces and nephews who have failed to launch after great educations and they are well into their 30s. Their fathers were all successful (mothers SAH) so it’s not like they didn’t see hard work pay off. I have no idea if the parents are subsidizing them but I’m sure some are.

Society encourages it and there are a lot of distractions. If you are not seeking growth, status or money why would you leave a warm nest?

[Anonymous]

You lack empathy OP. Count your blessings that you do not have a kid like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This man is 21, has never had a job, doesn’t attend college, does nothing. His parents (divorced) pay for everything he does; food, gas, car, phone, clothing. He bounces between his parents houses.

What do they each gain from this? Why doesn’t he want to launch? Why do they finance his lifestyle?

NP. I’ll explain after you explain the mindset of parents who raise intolerant adults with the inability to understand nuance, complexity, or the concept of MYOB. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH's nephews are big examples of failure to launch, including a lack of college (failed sporadically taken classes at NOVA), lack of employment (both go for years with no job, then work at a place like the Amazon warehouse for a few months, and then get fired for not showing up because they didn't get out of bed), and addiction to cannabis and video games.

The father was unmedicated and mentally ill and screamed at them a lot (we don't know if he physically abused them or not, but probably); he terrorized them. He died several years ago. The mother was totally enmeshed with the boys and used her them for all of the emotional intimacy she didn't get from her DH -- so she kept them infantalized. She never disciplined them, never said anything about the constant smell of weed.

The are now mid-thirties and nothing has changed. They still live at home. The mother gives them money. The mother makes dinner every night as if they were 10 years old. They do nothing to help out (the mother recently hired someone to freaking mow their lawn). One of them does do the grocery shopping -- but he does it because his mother gives him her debit card and he uses it to get cash back (and of course she never says anything about this).

This sounds so bleak and heartbreaking in so many ways. My cousin has a somewhat similar situation. The DH wasn't abusive with the family but very dysfunctional to the point she had to divorce him to keep the kids and her job.

Sadly neither of her sons, who are in their early thirties, work. She has thrown herself into her job, which can be draining but she also finds rewarding, and retreated from her siblings as well as some of our cousins with whom she had been very close for decades. She is embarassed and lonely.

I mean...now bad parenting is a valid reason your kids can remain unemployed for their entire lives?

I am not going into details, but the situation with the dad/husband was personally devastating and publicly humiliating for my cousin and her children, the latter who were at a particularly vulnerable age in a small community. One of my other cousins, who was close to this cousin before she pushed them away, confided that she thinks our cousin lost the bandwidth to handle it all, so she threw herself into work to rescue them from financial ruin. Guessing she would have done it differently in retrospect, but I'm not going to second guess her decisions in the moment.

It's incredibly sad. PP, perhaps be grateful that you have never had such an experience.

[Anonymous]

I have an adult sibling who might be considered a failure to launch. He lives at home with my parents and has not worked for the past 2 years. Before that he held a series of short term jobs and at one point, did actually move out, but then moved back home when it became apparent that he wasn't able to manage on his own.

The underlying problem is--at the very least--severe anxiety. Possibly also a learning disability, mood disorder, or executive processing issue. But anxiety is a definite. He has had anger management problems in the past and has said some terrible things to me and my other siblings, to say nothing of how he's treated my parents the past 12 or so years. I do not know if he is getting medicated or seeing a doctor for his anxiety and other issues. He is unpleasant to be around, frankly, and we are not close. Cordial, but distant.

My mom has asked me several times to try and spur him on his way out the door. She's asked me to talk to him and suggest places to move to, because she is desperate to get him out of the house. Thing is, I've tried that already, and it falls on deaf ears... he has to make the decision to leave on his own. Or alternatively, if my parents don't want him living there, they have to take steps to make that happen. But they seem totally incapable of setting any boundaries or ground rules with him at all. The situation is terrible and I hate it, but there's really nothing I can do. I've told my mom to stop asking me to intervene; it's not my problem to fix. DH and I will have to make it clear, when the time comes (which it likely will, my dad has hinted at it...), that we will not be supporting him financially once my parents are no longer able to do so.

So to answer your question PP, I don't know what my parents' mindset is in this situation. I hope for the best but I don't know how it'll end up. It'll be very difficult for the three of them to extricate themselves from the toxic soup of codependency and untreated (or undertreated) mental illness they now find themselves in. Sad all around.

[Anonymous]

Why do so many men have this problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an adult sibling who might be considered a failure to launch. He lives at home with my parents and has not worked for the past 2 years. Before that he held a series of short term jobs and at one point, did actually move out, but then moved back home when it became apparent that he wasn't able to manage on his own.

The underlying problem is--at the very least--severe anxiety. Possibly also a learning disability, mood disorder, or executive processing issue. But anxiety is a definite. He has had anger management problems in the past and has said some terrible things to me and my other siblings, to say nothing of how he's treated my parents the past 12 or so years. I do not know if he is getting medicated or seeing a doctor for his anxiety and other issues. He is unpleasant to be around, frankly, and we are not close. Cordial, but distant.

My mom has asked me several times to try and spur him on his way out the door. She's asked me to talk to him and suggest places to move to, because she is desperate to get him out of the house. Thing is, I've tried that already, and it falls on deaf ears... he has to make the decision to leave on his own. Or alternatively, if my parents don't want him living there, they have to take steps to make that happen. But they seem totally incapable of setting any boundaries or ground rules with him at all. The situation is terrible and I hate it, but there's really nothing I can do. I've told my mom to stop asking me to intervene; it's not my problem to fix. DH and I will have to make it clear, when the time comes (which it likely will, my dad has hinted at it...), that we will not be supporting him financially once my parents are no longer able to do so.

So to answer your question PP, I don't know what my parents' mindset is in this situation. I hope for the best but I don't know how it'll end up. It'll be very difficult for the three of them to extricate themselves from the toxic soup of codependency and untreated (or undertreated) mental illness they now find themselves in. Sad all around.

I had a much older brother suffer some mental problems in his 50s and move in with my parents. He is a very nice person, and filled a huge role as parent caregiver when they were elderly. Literally, he saved my parents (and by default his siblings via inheritance) hundreds of thousands of dollars that would have been spent on either assisted living or in-home nurses.

Maybe he always had these problems, but he managed to live on his own from 21 - 55.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an adult sibling who might be considered a failure to launch. He lives at home with my parents and has not worked for the past 2 years. Before that he held a series of short term jobs and at one point, did actually move out, but then moved back home when it became apparent that he wasn't able to manage on his own.

The underlying problem is--at the very least--severe anxiety. Possibly also a learning disability, mood disorder, or executive processing issue. But anxiety is a definite. He has had anger management problems in the past and has said some terrible things to me and my other siblings, to say nothing of how he's treated my parents the past 12 or so years. I do not know if he is getting medicated or seeing a doctor for his anxiety and other issues. He is unpleasant to be around, frankly, and we are not close. Cordial, but distant.

My mom has asked me several times to try and spur him on his way out the door. She's asked me to talk to him and suggest places to move to, because she is desperate to get him out of the house. Thing is, I've tried that already, and it falls on deaf ears... he has to make the decision to leave on his own. Or alternatively, if my parents don't want him living there, they have to take steps to make that happen. But they seem totally incapable of setting any boundaries or ground rules with him at all. The situation is terrible and I hate it, but there's really nothing I can do. I've told my mom to stop asking me to intervene; it's not my problem to fix. DH and I will have to make it clear, when the time comes (which it likely will, my dad has hinted at it...), that we will not be supporting him financially once my parents are no longer able to do so.

So to answer your question PP, I don't know what my parents' mindset is in this situation. I hope for the best but I don't know how it'll end up. It'll be very difficult for the three of them to extricate themselves from the toxic soup of codependency and untreated (or undertreated) mental illness they now find themselves in. Sad all around.

I had a much older brother suffer some mental problems in his 50s and move in with my parents. He is a very nice person, and filled a huge role as parent caregiver when they were elderly. Literally, he saved my parents (and by default his siblings via inheritance) hundreds of thousands of dollars that would have been spent on either assisted living or in-home nurses.

Maybe he always had these problems, but he managed to live on his own from 21 - 55.

How is he now? Gracious of you to see that. Not everyone can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many men have this problem?

The patriarchy? Not really joking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many men have this problem?

The patriarchy? Not really joking.

Seems like the opposite. As it is dismantled we get more of it.