Married 14 years- Just Learned of Cheating in Year 5

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting the most positive face on this, it seems likely that he got it out of his system and you "won".

Anyone that cheats like that is a promise-breaker and might do it again.

That doesn't mean you have to divorce.

You need to line up marital counseling that is objective - neither pro-reconciliation nor pro-divorce.

Don't catastrophize. Honor your feelings of sadness and betrayal. Your husband owes you full disclosure.

Do not contact or seek out the social media of the OW. She is morally reprehensible as well and you will get no peace from contacting her or seeking out details about her. She is not your concern.

I'm sorry for your hurt. Be brave.

What did she win? A decade of being married to a total douchebag?

PP. That's why I put "win" in quotes. On chumplady.com they call it "the pick-me dance". A related concept is "cake-eating" - not deciding, having both options.

That said, people are complicated. My point was that OW seems to be out of the picture so husband decided to stay married one way or the other.

It doesn't look good for OP's marriage but that's her decision. People have their reasons.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure why pps are getting mad at the "friend".
OPs husband is the one to blame here, I'm not sure the friend meant to stir the pot, its quite quite possible he didnt remember that husband didnt take OP to this place, it was 9 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why pps are getting mad at the "friend".
OPs husband is the one to blame here, I'm not sure the friend meant to stir the pot, its quite quite possible he didnt remember that husband didnt take OP to this place, it was 9 years ago.

Totally agree.

If anything, its possible that friend is a good guy, and remembered that his friend a romantic week in mexico a decade ago, and just reasonably went ahead thinking it was the person's wife.

Honestly, friend did nothing wrong

[Anonymous]

I’d have a hard time believing this guy hasn’t cheated multiple times. Taking a mistress on a trip shows an unbelievable level of conniving and disrespect. Divorce his ass asap! What a POS. When it happened is irrelevant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting the most positive face on this, it seems likely that he got it out of his system and you "won".

Anyone that cheats like that is a promise-breaker and might do it again.

That doesn't mean you have to divorce.

You need to line up marital counseling that is objective - neither pro-reconciliation nor pro-divorce.

Don't catastrophize. Honor your feelings of sadness and betrayal. Your husband owes you full disclosure.

Do not contact or seek out the social media of the OW. She is morally reprehensible as well and you will get no peace from contacting her or seeking out details about her. She is not your concern.

I'm sorry for your hurt. Be brave.

What did she win? A decade of being married to a total douchebag?

[/b]Agreed. I never get the mindset of fighting for a cheater.[b]

For all we know , the other woman dumped him.

For either the OW or the wife. Sorry--but I don't get the mindset of dating a married cheating man either.

[Anonymous]

OP, this may be a time to flip the script. What about cooking DH a wonderful steak (with all the fixin's) and presenting him with a bottle of expensive, top-shelf whiskey?

[Anonymous]

My ex did the same. Took her to Costa Rica for a dental conference. I took him to the cleaners. Never been happier. Be strong OP. And my bff is 48 and I'm in my 50's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this may be a time to flip the script. What about cooking DH a wonderful steak (with all the fixin's) and presenting him with a bottle of expensive, top-shelf whiskey?

What?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this may be a time to flip the script. What about cooking DH a wonderful steak (with all the fixin's) and presenting him with a bottle of expensive, top-shelf whiskey?

Hopefully with something in his drink to give him a tummy ache.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Putting the most positive face on this, it seems likely that he got it out of his system and you "won".

Anyone that cheats like that is a promise-breaker and might do it again.

That doesn't mean you have to divorce.

You need to line up marital counseling that is objective - neither pro-reconciliation nor pro-divorce.

Don't catastrophize. Honor your feelings of sadness and betrayal. Your husband owes you full disclosure.

Do not contact or seek out the social media of the OW. She is morally reprehensible as well and you will get no peace from contacting her or seeking out details about her. She is not your concern.

I'm sorry for your hurt. Be brave.

OP, this pp gave you the best advice. That’s all you need for now. Start looking for marital counselors. Get good recommendations. Are you in the DMV? Not Cali, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If that revelation happened to me I would immediately suspect there were other incidents of cheating also. It is highly unlikely he cheated for six months with an ex GF and then stopped and never cheated again after having totally gotten away with it.

I would not start trying to catch him at it or find evidence however. I would see a counselor for myself and try to figure out whether I wanted to be married to this guy.

Yes, exactly. Was this really the only time? He only told you because you found out. What else is he hiding? I would never trust him again.

Finding out about cheating is kinda like finding a termite. There's rarely just the one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex did the same. Took her to Costa Rica for a dental conference. I took him to the cleaners. Never been happier. Be strong OP. And my bff is 48 and I'm in my 50's.

This is winning.

[Anonymous]

OP I am so sorry for what you must be feeling, especially if you once upon a time really, really loved your husband (I just mean that some marriages are more grounded in the romantic and others less so).

This kind of thing makes me grateful I never married because it is exactly the kind of thing I felt sure I could never, ever tolerate in a marriage and which would really devastate me. My parents were both adulterers and I heard details from my mother about the pain she endured and it was something that made me marriage averse at some base level. Rather be safe and lonely than open to such devastation.

You should do whatever you need to do to figure out the path forward. Make him sleep in the guest room. Get counseling for yourself to figure out what YOU most need going forward. Do not feel guilty if you cannot ever trust him again and need to end the marriage - you did nothing wrong, this is ALL on him, whatever consequences come. He made it happen.

Sorry, again.

[Anonymous]

Why the hell did he tell you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why the hell did he tell you?

Why do the police get confessions? Some people can't keep up the lies.