Our daughter “married well.” Nobody is happy about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if you’d provided a “lower resource” upbringing, she’s probably be more likely to settle closer to home. Why would you give your kids the world if you didn’t want them to get out into it?

Interesting point.

How do you figure? Lower resources would result in feeling even more anxiety and drive to make money and be successful and go wherever the best opportunities were. It would be a luxury to stay closer to home, more resources means more choices.

Not for a kid who knows they’ll receive a “comfortable inheritance” one day. If you throw them into competition with a bunch of strivers from a young age, then they’re going to feel like they need to keep pace with them. I’m sure OP enjoyed bragging about her all along the way, though.

Again, I don't see it. These people also don't stress about college and their kids b/c it's already paid for via a trust. For example, My brother and his wife live off her trust. They have two low stress lives and enjoy the good life.

^ meant to say jobs. They both have low stress jobs, one of them even works part time. They live close to her parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

This has nothing to do with marrying. She is your only daugher who talks to you daily yet she chose to move away and have a family far away. Prioritizing career over closeness to her family. Its a choice. Something in your parenting may have contributed to this. I am an only child/daughter. I have a non easy relationship with my mother and certainly did not snd do not talk to her everyday. But we live 20 min apart and she sees the grandkids weekly and adores them and i am happy to give my kids the gift of time with a loving grandparent. If we moved to CA, my parents would pick up and move to within an hour of us, no question. And i had nannies and daycare for my kids as i wouldn't want my parents to provide any official childcare. Too complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP makes a very valid point. People here are obsessed with the rat race, getting their kids into the best colleges etc.

But what is the prize of all this effort, should it pay off?

A job where you work like a dog, every hour that god sends, to pile up money that you can never enjoy, and to find a partner who can do likewise. You can then live a harrassed, miserable life together, sacrificing everything on the altar of prestige, money and status, and never tasting true happiness.

This was what she was taught OP. My parents taught me to be as successful as possible, and then we're horrified when I moved away from them to do so.

Lesson: if you want your kids to live right by you, don't emphasize achievement and send them to a localish university.

You’re distorting “success” and marrying well. Success doesn’t mean moving 1,000 miles away from your and your husband’s family to pretend to be a happy couple on LinkedIn, facebook and instagram. Unless you grew up in Appalachia, you don’t need to be so rootless and moving across the country for a career. “Success” isn’t strangers raising your kids because you’re both too busy with work and fled your families.

[Anonymous]

Anyone who uses the archaic term "married well" to describe another woman is envious and misogynistic. Anyone who is talking to their adult child every day and knows about their sex life has an unhealthy enmeshment with that child. Anyone who talks about how their grandchildren are being raised by strangers with daycare and part-time nannies is probably a DCUM troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing you are more unhappy about it than she is. If I was balancing career, marriage, and kids and my mom wanted to talk to me every day, often complaining about how far away I lived, that would stress me out too. She may be exaggerating to appease you since you seem obsessed with this. She also may be just stressed like most dual-earning households with young kids.

My parents moved close to me (actually moved to be close to my children, let’s be honest) and it’s more work and more stress for me. I still use after school care, baby sitters, camps, etc. but now I have to constantly manage my mother’s feeling and judgement about how I prioritize my time or live my life.

This. My wife and I are happily married with kids and dual careers, and we live far enough from both our parents that we see them maybe twice a year. I think on balance we like having some distance. We briefly lived closer and it was blessedly wonderful for connection but also came with a lot of baggage. My sister and her husband are like us marriage, career and kid wise, but they have lived in the same town as both sets of their parents and I think it often drives them a little crazy.

[Anonymous]

This could be me except my husband and I were both raised without means and 1 “broken” home due to my dad’s alcoholism but we both are UMC and provide well for our only daughter. Unfortunately my husband works for the government in DC and I miss home and we both miss being near our families. Stress with a young kid without support is hard on a marriage. I’m trying to earn more money to convince my husband to move across the country so I can be closer to my family. He loves his job so it’s tough. My advice, date and marry near your family if you want your kids to grow up next to them. I came to DC for my career and feel stuck here since I fell in love her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my daughter. She grew up in a happy high-resource household and we still talk every day. She was a great student, spent a long time in college earning degrees from good schools, and has a successful career. As she approached age 30, girlfriends introduced her to a nice boy who also earned a few degrees from good schools and has a great career. They married a couple years later. They had one child a couple years after the wedding.

They could work anywhere and make great money, yet for alleged career reasons choose to live in isolation essentially across the country from us (and nowhere his family either). So we barely see her and our one grandchild is raised by strangers at a local day care and part-time nannies. My daughter and her husband’s happiness is eroding but you wouldn’t know that from looking at her perfectly curated social media. She confesses their sex life has become nearly nonexistent. They are workaholics and make great upper middle class money (note: not a mega millions windfall like you read about from young people involved in a tech IPO or something along those lines where they can afford to retire early).

We will be leaving her a comfortable inheritance and I’m sure his parents will leave him similar, so what is even the point of this rat race? They’re unhappy, we’re unhappy (I’m assuming his parents aren’t happy), and their child is raised by strangers. All for what? To chase another rung of status badges and eke out a few more bucks?

I submit this to this forum because everyone is fixated with dating the “right” caliber of partner to “marry well” and the alleged status and happiness that comes with it. Give more mindshare to what “well” truly means.

Even if they lived locally, they could still be workaholics with a perfect social media profile and nonexistent sex life. Why do you think living closer to you would make any difference? Why do you think they would be happier living near you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Marry well” is usually code for “doesn’t have to work” according to DCUM.

I don’t think the OP’s daughter does have to work. She chooses to work to “eke out a few more bucks.”

My mom would probably say this about me, but really she's just out of touch about what it takes today to afford the same kind of lifestyle she was able to have on one income (my dad's).

+100 and OP has no idea what it takes to provide “day care duties” if she doesn’t often see DD.

Another point- my DH and I share some similarities with OP’s daughter, we used to live far from family for jobs and had daycare kids. We were so lucky and privileged so when I needed to vent- my parents were a safe place for that, since we had friends with much larger challenges. Is there a chance DD just vents to you and is actually genuinely content with her life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone probably told her she could have it all and that's what she's trying to do. Wonder who that could have been?

You cut to the core of it, I suppose. Did we instill these values in her. Or did outside pressures; the culture of the colleges she attended, the friend groups and work colleagues, her generation. I don’t know. I just miss my granddaughter and it makes me sad that I only get to see my granddaughter and daughter a few times a year. And my daughter’s marriage is eroding. And all for what exactly? So a handful of other rootless careerists can be envious of the things on her and her husband’s LinkedIn? I just don’t get it and I don’t get why so many other young people are chasing this “ideal”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

No, they’re strangers to you.

The caregivers at our childrens’ daycare were not strangers to us at all. We knew and trusted them. It certainly wasn’t perfect, but we absolutely knew who was caring for our kids.

We can agree to disagree. And you can rationalize it however you’d like. It is paying large sums of money to lower class strangers to raise your child(ren) instead of you and/or grandparents, i.e. family, raising them. All so you could net more HHI and/or live far away from your parents.

People are tip-toing to the a--hole of an OP. The OP rings of a narcissistic, boomer parent in an unhealthy, codependent relationship with their child. Your DD and SIL have made the conscious decision to move away from you and it's not difficult to see why. You seem to be overly involved in their life (probably disregarding any attempts at boundaries) and you're also a disgusting elitist. Figure out how you can adjust your expectations and relationship with your DD and her husband before the distance expands and you lose your relationship with your grandchild to estrangement while they enjoy their lives with "lower classes".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This could be me except my husband and I were both raised without means and 1 “broken” home due to my dad’s alcoholism but we both are UMC and provide well for our only daughter. Unfortunately my husband works for the government in DC and I miss home and we both miss being near our families. Stress with a young kid without support is hard on a marriage. I’m trying to earn more money to convince my husband to move across the country so I can be closer to my family. He loves his job so it’s tough. My advice, date and marry near your family if you want your kids to grow up next to them. I came to DC for my career and feel stuck here since I fell in love her.

Thank you so much for sharing this. Appreciate your perspective.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds exactly like my mother. I can't believe no one has said this, but daycare doesn't "raise" a child. They help, but they don't "raise". For whatever reason the daughter is choosing not to have the grandma around to "raise" the grandchild. That reason is probably a very good one. I'm embarassed to admit that I call my mom daily, too, and its more because I don't want to write off the relationship, and it isn't worth the drama that will come if she starts feeling neglected from less contact. I would much rather send my kids to daycare than have them in her care. Your daughter is making choices, and you need to respect them and stop judging or you will lose access to your daugther.

[Anonymous]

1. You make great points, OP.

2. But people find identity and fulfillment in their career. Your daughter and son-in-law probably have professional ambitions and aspirations and they're working towards that, putting sweat equity to move up the ladder. Respect that choice.

3. I suppose they have reasons to live where they do. Maybe they like the nature there, or appreciate being far away from everything. Or maybe it's easier for work.

4. Kids raised by strangers. Yes, that happens 99% of the time. Daycare, school, college. Kids are nearly all raised by strangers, but education still begins at home.

5. No life situation automatically guarantees happiness. They're probably at a stressful stage in their life, with work and kids. It's probably going to come to fruition later.

6. You're far apart from each other, like many upper-class families who prioritize wealth-building and making the most out of every opportunity. Maybe you can visit more often, if they allow it!

[Anonymous]

“Alleged career reasons” sounds like my ex telling me I could move back to our home state because they have my career there too.

[Anonymous]

OP I doubt you are the expert on the job market for their fields that you claim to be- it’s hard to find two new jobs in a place where neither spouse has a professional network. Staying where they have jobs seems less an active chose to “isolate” themselves than raising a family in 2024 and needing or wanting to do that on 2 incomes. Let me guess- you think college for your grandchildren will not top 6figures and you haven’t offered to help with 529? You can’t imagine why a woman would work bc you didn’t and you dont actually understand the math of raising a family in 2024.