selling family home, kids are guilting us

[Anonymous]

I understand totally why you would want to do this, but to them, it changes a lot.

At holidays, everyone will be on their own if you're in a condo. They're youngish. Where will you all link up Thanksgiving, Christmas. They've probably pictured all of them staying with you all and eventually their children.

Things change if you're in a condo.

[Anonymous]

Can you gift them each a print of their family home? For memories??

[Anonymous]

Have you looked at mortgage rates? No wonder they are pissed. They will never be able to afford a home LOL.

[Anonymous]

Tell that they'll feel happy about the sale when you die and they don't have a giant house to clean out. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell that they'll feel happy about the sale when you die and they don't have a giant house to clean out. Ask me how I know.

Is the bank keeping the house? If not, you have nothing to complain about.

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I are having arguments about something similar at least once a month. They want to sell the house and move as soon as our DC graduates high school. I repeatedly remind my spouse that we may need to stay in state depending upon where DC goes to college. I feel very strongly that we need to stay at least one year into college so DC has a familiar place to come to to make the transition easier. My spouse feels that we did our "duty" by staying her and that DC can stay with friends if they want to come back here. I can't afford the house on my own, so it's a stressful situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I are having arguments about something similar at least once a month. They want to sell the house and move as soon as our DC graduates high school. I repeatedly remind my spouse that we may need to stay in state depending upon where DC goes to college. I feel very strongly that we need to stay at least one year into college so DC has a familiar place to come to to make the transition easier. My spouse feels that we did our "duty" by staying her and that DC can stay with friends if they want to come back here. I can't afford the house on my own, so it's a stressful situation.

Same situation. I feel like my husband is ready to sell the house and move into an apartment and shrink his life completely. We have four kids so I want a house they can come back for holidays, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:oldest in last year of college, youngest in military. We have decided to down size, be mortgage free, and move to another area about an hour away from current location. My kids are very upset bc this is house they grew up in but honestly I feel its the best we can do for ourselves. House we currently have is huge, huge yard, huge pool, huge maintenance, medium payment. No one has used the pool now that my youngest is gone. I can't see them moving back home. I just hate the guilt.

We live in the Suburbs in an 80s quiet community. Some original owners still live there and we barely see family coming around to visit. For most, their kids live far or in other states. Some have grandchildren that come visit during the summer but for the most part of the year they are alone. We have teens and a few other new families have younger kids so our elderly neighbors enjoy watching and chatting with us. I do, however, wonder why they still live there. The houses are all 4-5 bedrooms with good size yards and some pools. I can't help to think it must feel very lonely...

We have teens and hope to down size and be mortgage (and college loans) free to travel onces our teens are out of the home. We have our first kid heading to College now and our kids know that's our plan.

[Anonymous]

Just throwing out an anecdote for you OP —

My parents moved out of state my freshman year of college (8 hours from where I grew up). I split college breaks between going to see my parents and going back to visit/stay with HS friends. To this day, my family will fly to the new state to see my parents once every year or 2 (in part because cost of flights and work/school schedules), but also because it’s not “home” and it’s not somewhere I want to use my limited PTO and travel money to visit.

My DH and I stay put for the holidays (his family is drivable within an hour so we spend part of the day with them). I have not paid $$$ holiday airfare to go see my parents in close to a decade. We tend to visit at less expensive times of year.

I respect my parents’ wishes to move out of state to a place where I still don’t really know the roads and just generally don’t have any familiarity/nostalgia for. It’s quasi rural and there isn’t much to do. We have to rent a car and drive an hour from the closest mid-size airport. Honestly, this does affect how often we go see them.

Meanwhile my DH and I are raising our kids in a 2,400 sq ft house with low interest rate mortgage that will be paid off once our youngest (of 3) gets through college. We can age in place for a while here until our kids are all fully launched with their own families. After experiencing my parents move while I was in college, I feel very strongly about maintaining a safe, familiar a landing place for my kids during breaks and early adulthood.

When we downsize we may keep a place in this area and also take into consideration where our kids settle down. We will make sure we are close enough to a major airport to be easy to visit.

You are completely free to downsize and live your life an hour away. But that doesn’t mean you are free from the effects of your children potentially not coming to see you as often and having sad feelings about losing their childhood home during this transition in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:oldest in last year of college, youngest in military. We have decided to down size, be mortgage free, and move to another area about an hour away from current location. My kids are very upset bc this is house they grew up in but honestly I feel its the best we can do for ourselves. House we currently have is huge, huge yard, huge pool, huge maintenance, medium payment. No one has used the pool now that my youngest is gone. I can't see them moving back home. I just hate the guilt.

We live in the Suburbs in an 80s quiet community. Some original owners still live there and we barely see family coming around to visit. For most, their kids live far or in other states. Some have grandchildren that come visit during the summer but for the most part of the year they are alone. We have teens and a few other new families have younger kids so our elderly neighbors enjoy watching and chatting with us. I do, however, wonder why they still live there. The houses are all 4-5 bedrooms with good size yards and some pools. I can't help to think it must feel very lonely...

We have teens and hope to down size and be mortgage (and college loans) free to travel onces our teens are out of the home. We have our first kid heading to College now and our kids know that's our plan.

I think there is a middle ground between selling when your kid is 20 and still trying to get their first real job or grad school lined up and doesn’t have a family of their own to spend holidays with vs staying in a large home into your mid 70s + once your kids are busy with lives of their own and it’s becoming harder to navigate stairs, home maintenance, etc.

I will be 57 when my youngest graduates college (mortgage will be paid off). Ideally the plan would be to stay until about age 65. At that point DH and I will both be retired, all our kids will be age 30+, and I think they will feel relieved to see us purging/downsizing so they don’t have to worry about clearing out their childhood home. This seems like a good sweet spot to transition our lives.

[Anonymous]

You do not need their permission. Do what’s best for you and your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you looked at mortgage rates? No wonder they are pissed. They will never be able to afford a home LOL.

They need to earn their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, lots of angles to this. First, this gives you the opportunity to emphasize: they are adults now. Adults having relationships with other adults. Adults do not guilt others, to get their way. No one should but adults are held to a higher expectation. They can be sad, and have all kinds of sentimental feelings, sure. There is a limit, though, on expresses them. No one has to tolerate rude (if it gets to that) You also have a similar obligation to not talk on-and-on about how great this change is how excited you are. Just don't talk about it tooo much. You know it's a decision that hurts them, that's ok. Just be sensitive to that.

Family members should be able to honestly express their emotions with each other. Adults or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just throwing out an anecdote for you OP —

My parents moved out of state my freshman year of college (8 hours from where I grew up). I split college breaks between going to see my parents and going back to visit/stay with HS friends. To this day, my family will fly to the new state to see my parents once every year or 2 (in part because cost of flights and work/school schedules), but also because it’s not “home” and it’s not somewhere I want to use my limited PTO and travel money to visit.

My DH and I stay put for the holidays (his family is drivable within an hour so we spend part of the day with them). I have not paid $$$ holiday airfare to go see my parents in close to a decade. We tend to visit at less expensive times of year.

I respect my parents’ wishes to move out of state to a place where I still don’t really know the roads and just generally don’t have any familiarity/nostalgia for. It’s quasi rural and there isn’t much to do. We have to rent a car and drive an hour from the closest mid-size airport. Honestly, this does affect how often we go see them.

Meanwhile my DH and I are raising our kids in a 2,400 sq ft house with low interest rate mortgage that will be paid off once our youngest (of 3) gets through college. We can age in place for a while here until our kids are all fully launched with their own families. After experiencing my parents move while I was in college, I feel very strongly about maintaining a safe, familiar a landing place for my kids during breaks and early adulthood.

When we downsize we may keep a place in this area and also take into consideration where our kids settle down. We will make sure we are close enough to a major airport to be easy to visit.

You are completely free to downsize and live your life an hour away. But that doesn’t mean you are free from the effects of your children potentially not coming to see you as often and having sad feelings about losing their childhood home during this transition in their lives.

The moral of the story is where you are from and where you move matter a ton.

I grew up in a semi depressed area and hated visiting my parents as an adult. Zero attachment to the family home.

Friends have parents that moved to vacation spots and they visit all the time. One in Palm Beach another to Colorado ski area.

My own kids like the DC area but are excited by the areas we told them we are looking to move because we have tired of the area.

[Anonymous]

I’d say that you understand how hurt they are. Ask if one of them wants to buy the house from you for the price of the comps. You’re happy to sell it to them without a realtor so they can save money. Maybe you can give them a year (?) to get together a good down payment. The oldest could theoretically move home next year, save every cent for down payment, and buy it off the market. After you move out, they’d fill the order bedrooms with renters.

They probably won’t or can’t go for it, but you’d give them a sense of control over the process. And if the oldest one can make it work, you’d be giving him or her a huge leg up in life.