selling family home, kids are guilting us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents did this when I was in college. It’s totally fine now (I’m in my 30s with my own house and kids) but it sucked until I was 25 or so. Your early 20s can be tough, it would have been nice to come home to a familiar place.

I agree that when you are launching yourself the security of knowing you support system is there is important. I remember this well because my mom died when I was in college, my dad remarried a nutcase and I was literally not welcome in their home when I was in my early twenties. It was disorienting-but these kids can handle a relocation of their parents. They’ll be fine (as I am).

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op here. No I have not talked to them about how it makes me or them feel. Thank you for that input. I will sit down with them and talk about our feelings as well as theirs. I am also sad to sell. So many amazing memories here and longest I have ever lived any where but we are excited for the next chapter and of course our next home will be their home too. No matter where I live, my kids are welcomed with open doors

For the moment, perhaps you should put your emotions on the backburner and acknowledge theirs. This is hard for a lot of folks. DC's college BFF now going through this - understands why parents needed to downsize from a very HCOL city to a less expensive town about an hour away. But it still hurts - she comes home from college and knows no one, absolutely no one.

My parents moved halfway across the country when I was in college studying abroad. I didn't get to say bye to the house they built for me (I was the youngest, they needed more space). I got over it pretty darn quickly. I visited my childhood hometown occasionally and stayed with friends until eventually I lost touch with most people and those I didn't lose touch with ended up spread out all over the country. OP's kids won't even be in college anymore when their parents move - they won't be coming home and staying home for long periods of time anymore now that they are adults.

You sound like the person who lives her life vicariously through her children. Get a life, you are going to need one now that your children are grown.

Empathy is dead?

When t comes to whiny 21+ year olds, absolutely.

Really? That seems the age when you truly want to help them lock down thar ability if you haven’t yet.

It’s possible to keep with the plan and listen to their 21 year old selves work through these emotions. Seems basic.

Oh my god, stop babying your adult children. Wow. Just Wow.

Empathetic listening is not babying. Even med schools have units on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

she comes home from college and knows no one, absolutely no one

My parents sold as I was graduating HS. It jump-started my adult life. Not a bad thing. Where did I want to live, summers and after college graduation? Time to get a little more serious about my life and where it was going. Not what they could provide me.

That's a great way to look at it...if you can. And this kid is great and outgoing - will be fine. But this first summer was pretty hard for her.

[Anonymous]

It’s wonderful that the family has fond memories of home. It’s understandable that they are sad and life transitions are an adjustment. Validate their feelings, remind them they are welcome wherever you live etc. we also intend to downsize and I remind myself that the decision to downsize will reduce the burden on my children down the road. It will also give you the freedom and make it easier to travel and help them when they have children or need help because you will have the flexibility and not be burdened by all your home responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

I think the timing is just hard in early twenties if the kids aren’t fully established in their own homes and lives, which is unlikely. Once they have their own home, kids, etc and just generally set up on their own they will be less affected and more understanding of the reasoning. I would have been pretty sad in my early twenties if my parents moved. Now I’m in my mid-thirties and I fully support them if they want to downsize. I am able to more clearly think about their aging and what is best. I don’t think many, maybe some, college kids are worrying about their parents next stage of life plan- they are busy trying to figure out their own.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op here. No I have not talked to them about how it makes me or them feel. Thank you for that input. I will sit down with them and talk about our feelings as well as theirs. I am also sad to sell. So many amazing memories here and longest I have ever lived any where but we are excited for the next chapter and of course our next home will be their home too. No matter where I live, my kids are welcomed with open doors

For the moment, perhaps you should put your emotions on the backburner and acknowledge theirs. This is hard for a lot of folks. DC's college BFF now going through this - understands why parents needed to downsize from a very HCOL city to a less expensive town about an hour away. But it still hurts - she comes home from college and knows no one, absolutely no one.

My parents moved halfway across the country when I was in college studying abroad. I didn't get to say bye to the house they built for me (I was the youngest, they needed more space). I got over it pretty darn quickly. I visited my childhood hometown occasionally and stayed with friends until eventually I lost touch with most people and those I didn't lose touch with ended up spread out all over the country. OP's kids won't even be in college anymore when their parents move - they won't be coming home and staying home for long periods of time anymore now that they are adults.

You sound like the person who lives her life vicariously through her children. Get a life, you are going to need one now that your children are grown.

Yeah...it's obvious you're the youngest. "The house they built for me"--like the rest of the family doesn't matter. All about you.

Yet somehow I wasn't a whiny baby crying to mommy and daddy not to sell the house like OP's kids. Way to miss the point, dummy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you acknowledged that this will be painful for them? Kids want to be able to come home, and to many people that means the house they grew up in. It might help to acknowledge that this might kind of suck for them. But explain that you are getting older and the house is too much for you. And make sure they know that the new place will still be their home.

If it makes you feel better, I know lots of families who moved - whose kids were at various stages and were upset - and the kids /adults always adjust.

This. How much smaller is the new house? Can they still sleep over when they visit? Or would it be a studio or a 1 bedroom, with basically no place for them at all?

house has an entire separate guest house and this place is 3 blocks off the water. Our current house is at the beach also so no loss there.

[Anonymous]

Unless kids can pay your bills, they need to be more understanding of your decisions.

[Anonymous]

So many responses here are DCUM at its worst: don't acknowledge anyone's feelings, don't discuss your own feelings, always assume the worst in others, don't think about creative solutions -- just be your most self-centered and reptilian self. How pathetic.

OP, this is a great opportunity to have an honest conversation with your kids about why you and your husband want to make this move and about their own feelings. That doesn't have to be about guilt. Instead, as a family you can talk about ways to capture memories of the house through art, photos, videos or whatever brings you all a sense of gratitude for the time you spent together in your home. You can plan to invite old friends for a house farewell or a housewarming in your new place -- you're only moving an hour away. Finally, you can allow your kids to select a few items they'd like to save from your home. Even if they don't currently have a place to put those things, you can offer to store them. I have two paintings from the house where I grew up and where my parents lived for 40 years. Those paintings will come with DH and me when we downsize -- within the next 5 years -- because they carry with them wonderful memories. If our kids choose to take a few items from our home, I'll consider that as a sign we accomplished what we set out to do when we bought our house in 1999 -- make it a home where we could raise our children with love.

[Anonymous]

My family sold a vacation home where I spent my summers and it was the right choice but I still feel sad. It was my grandparent’s and then my mom co-owned it with siblings. It’s okay to feel sad about nostalgia / lost hopes. I would have been really sad if my parents had told my childhood home 20 years ago, but now in my 40’s I see the maintenance, the steep stairs, the decades of stuff stored in the attic and basement and dread them hurting themselves and / or the work it will be when they pass. One sibling lives near them but my sister and I are across the county.

I wondered if they’re worried about where you’ll all gather and make memories going forward? But it sounds like there’s space. If not, if it’s in your budget to help with renting a bigger place now and then (either in your town or elsewhere) so you can all be under the same roof they may appreciate that.

[Anonymous]

I wondered if they’re worried about where you’ll all gather and make memories going forward?

Imo, this is now the role of the next generation. Parents like to provide. Some even like to be the hostess, too much and for too long. Tables have turned (there's an expression that dates me!) The not-knowing how things will look in the future doesn't need to be a big worry ~ gathering will happen.

[Anonymous]

Omg….. i know this all too well. My husband thought it would be a good idea to sell our house 7 yrs ago once the kids moved out. We moved to an apartment with him saying if we want we can buy a smaller house in a year or do. Long story short when i said ok lets get another house the response was i’m 62 I don’t want to take on a mortgage…. Uhhh did u think u were gonna age backwards?? We still argue about it because i feel guilty that my kids don't have that hub anymore thanks to him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless one of them can take over mortgage, not much can be done.

This. Explain your thinking and allow them to grieve. I appreciated that when my folks downsized they had an extra room so we kids could visit and stay with them. Two rooms would have been great, but was too expensive for their budget.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm dealing with the opposite of this situation with my parents; my siblings and I think it's a good idea for them to downsize, but they refuse to do so primarily for nostalgic reasons.

[Anonymous]

If this is the biggest complaint your kids have, consider yourself lucky OP, as they have charmed lives. Make the choices that are right for you. They are adults with their own lives.