Sister in law told my elderly mother this is the last Christmas she’ll see their family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Christmas can be celebrated slightly earlier or later.

Exactly this. In my family, we have been known to have it the weekend before or the weekend after. We especially do later as (as any real, practicing, observant Christian knows), Christmas *starts* on Dec. 25 and lasts until Jan. 6.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh no, your SIL is widowed, or divorced? Or your brother is a deaf, mute, blind quadriplegic who can’t communicate in any way?

OH WAIT. Your brother is also equally responsible for this decision. And yet you only blame the woman, you sexist jerk.

Just because she strongarmed her husband into agreeing with her doesn't mean she doesn't get the lion's share of the blame. SIL can't have it both ways - getting what she wants (Christmas Eve and Day with her family, not having to see DH's family on Christmas at all) AND also getting to play "this was our joint decision, teeheehee."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it a huge deal if they visit with your mother on a day that is not exactly Dec 24-25?

We already did Christmas Eve Eve this year for them. Christmas Eve has been the tradition for 20 years. And even with Eve, they would leave early to go be with her family. This year they wanted to do Eve Eve and now next year they don’t want to do anything with the rest of us. But specifically sad for our mom who is slowing down, as it’s the only time she gets to see ALL of us and all the grandkids together.

So make Fourth of July or Easter your family’s big thing. It doesn’t have to be Christmas because your mom gets pouty otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Not a big deal at all. I thought you were announcing an estrangement. Don't scapegoat the SIL. It should have been your brother who made the announcement. It helps prepare her so if she wants to see friends or do other things she can. Just be happy for them and let go of rigid ideas of how the holidays must be. Also, if they loved the traditions so much, they probably wouldn't be going on vacation during that time so clearly they want to do something they will enjoy more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the others.

Am curious- How does SIL’s extended family factor in here? Do they not see them over Christmas? They come to your side’s celebrations every single year?

Honestly you are lucky the tradition has lasted as long as it has

This year they spent both Christmas Eve and Christmas with her family, who is also local to the same region.

OK, good for them. Sounds like they had a good time, and you’re choosing to suck lemons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting how so many on this board are totally fine with the scenario OP described. Maybe I just come from a different culture, but skipping Christmas Eve & day with the extended family in order to go on vacation would NOT fly. Nor would I ever want to do that. But everyone has their own cultures, traditions, and families.

If anyone in my family or my husband’s family that our plans for our own, nuclear family “wouldn’t fly,” we would laugh in their face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your brother and SIL have every right to make other plans and should not be expected on the 24th or 25th (or any specific day) each year. It would be nice to celebrate Christmas together another day- many extended families do! I’d go that route. Invite your mom to your house for Christmas.

We already pushed it to the 23rd for them this year. I guess even that wasn’t enough. And for those saying break is short. Private school Christmas break is at least two weeks. Delaying a beach vacation with private school families a day or two is not the end of the world. I would bet anything they go to a place in Florida where her parents can rent an Airbnb or stay in a luxury hotel, so they still spend all of Christmas with her family.

You are so jealous of her, it is seeping out your pores. I love it. Pairs well with my wine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh no, your SIL is widowed, or divorced? Or your brother is a deaf, mute, blind quadriplegic who can’t communicate in any way?

OH WAIT. Your brother is also equally responsible for this decision. And yet you only blame the woman, you sexist jerk.

Just because she strongarmed her husband into agreeing with her doesn't mean she doesn't get the lion's share of the blame. SIL can't have it both ways - getting what she wants (Christmas Eve and Day with her family, not having to see DH's family on Christmas at all) AND also getting to play "this was our joint decision, teeheehee."

First of all, this isn't what OP describes. She says they are going to travel on the holidays, so presumably not see either family. Which is it? They are traveling and therefore not seeing either family, or they are seeing her family and just skipping out on DH's family Christmas? Is her family local or far away?

But second, even if what you describe is accurate, there is absolutely no reason to assume her husband is not fully on board with the plan. Why would he be "strong-armed" by his wife? If they are doing this, it's a joint choice and he's agreeing to it. If she was forcing him, he could divorce her and then he could spend every Christmas with his family and his kids would be required to spend half of them there. This is a choice he's making as much as she is.

And given OP's comments in this thread, I can see why. I also would not want to spend time with a sister/SIL who acted this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh no, your SIL is widowed, or divorced? Or your brother is a deaf, mute, blind quadriplegic who can’t communicate in any way?

OH WAIT. Your brother is also equally responsible for this decision. And yet you only blame the woman, you sexist jerk.

Just because she strongarmed her husband into agreeing with her doesn't mean she doesn't get the lion's share of the blame. SIL can't have it both ways - getting what she wants (Christmas Eve and Day with her family, not having to see DH's family on Christmas at all) AND also getting to play "this was our joint decision, teeheehee."

Who says he was “strongarmed”? I see no indication of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it a huge deal if they visit with your mother on a day that is not exactly Dec 24-25?

This. I just sat through 5 days where I worked my a$$ of while my mom sat around on her phone playing solitaire and games and maybe tried to engage with my kids once. Took her out to dinner 3 times and cooked two huge meals entertaining her family that I do not care about. I see them once a year. In return my kids and I got $25 gift cards. She forgot to get anything for DH. I am done. Next year, I plan to buy the kids one big gift and some small things that we can bring in a suitcase. I’m going somewhere that I can actually enjoy myself and spend time with my kids.

You’re projecting. Nobody said anything about a five day Christmas. It’s literally one day. Usually Christmas Eve until 10 p.m., when they leave to go to church with her family. This year it was Eve Eve. Even Eve Eve no longer works for them.

Actually, dear, Christmas is LITERALLY TWELVE DAYS.

[Anonymous]

I feel like it's good she was direct and honest and gave plenty of notice. Frankly, your brother should have been the one to do this, but since he was wishy washy, it's great she stepped up.

It's okay to feel disappointed because of change, but that doesn't mean what she's doing is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Big family Christmases are miserable. They just are. I would dread the holidays if I knew I always had to spend it with my family who, quite frankly, get on my nerves. Your brother and SIL live close to mom, so they can see her during the holidays when it isn't crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your brother and SIL have every right to make other plans and should not be expected on the 24th or 25th (or any specific day) each year. It would be nice to celebrate Christmas together another day- many extended families do! I’d go that route. Invite your mom to your house for Christmas.

We already pushed it to the 23rd for them this year. I guess even that wasn’t enough. And for those saying break is short. Private school Christmas break is at least two weeks. Delaying a beach vacation with private school families a day or two is not the end of the world. I would bet anything they go to a place in Florida where her parents can rent an Airbnb or stay in a luxury hotel, so they still spend all of Christmas with her family.

Where is your brother in all of this? Why don’t you answer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your brother and SIL have every right to make other plans and should not be expected on the 24th or 25th (or any specific day) each year. It would be nice to celebrate Christmas together another day- many extended families do! I’d go that route. Invite your mom to your house for Christmas.

We already pushed it to the 23rd for them this year. I guess even that wasn’t enough. And for those saying break is short. Private school Christmas break is at least two weeks. Delaying a beach vacation with private school families a day or two is not the end of the world. I would bet anything they go to a place in Florida where her parents can rent an Airbnb or stay in a luxury hotel, so they still spend all of Christmas with her family.

You are so jealous of her, it is seeping out your pores. I love it. Pairs well with my wine.

I agree with this. OP has fixated quite a bit on things like private school, luxury hotels, accusations of materialism etc. My guess is financial differences and jealousy issues play a role here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your brother and SIL have every right to make other plans and should not be expected on the 24th or 25th (or any specific day) each year. It would be nice to celebrate Christmas together another day- many extended families do! I’d go that route. Invite your mom to your house for Christmas.

We already pushed it to the 23rd for them this year. I guess even that wasn’t enough. And for those saying break is short. Private school Christmas break is at least two weeks. Delaying a beach vacation with private school families a day or two is not the end of the world. I would bet anything they go to a place in Florida where her parents can rent an Airbnb or stay in a luxury hotel, so they still spend all of Christmas with her family.

Oh my god, listen to yourself. You don't even know where they are traveling? You "would bet anything" her parents are going to travel there too so it's some kind of conspiracy to have Christmas with her family and not yours? You don't sound like you know exactly how long their break is or what their travel plans are, but you are convinced you know everything about this decision and what went into it?

You sound like an absolute snake. I would refuse to spend Christmas with you even if I wasn't traveling, because I wouldn't want to spend hours listening/watching you pick apart my family, may passive-aggressive remarks, and criticize my every move. Life is too short. I hope they have a great Christmas next year spending it just with people who like them.