Sister in law told my elderly mother this is the last Christmas she’ll see their family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it a huge deal if they visit with your mother on a day that is not exactly Dec 24-25?

We already did Christmas Eve Eve this year for them. Christmas Eve has been the tradition for 20 years. And even with Eve, they would leave early to go be with her family. This year they wanted to do Eve Eve and now next year they don’t want to do anything with the rest of us. But specifically sad for our mom who is slowing down, as it’s the only time she gets to see ALL of us and all the grandkids together.

You are so selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the others.

Am curious- How does SIL’s extended family factor in here? Do they not see them over Christmas? They come to your side’s celebrations every single year?

Honestly you are lucky the tradition has lasted as long as it has

This year they spent both Christmas Eve and Christmas with her family, who is also local to the same region.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the others.

Am curious- How does SIL’s extended family factor in here? Do they not see them over Christmas? They come to your side’s celebrations every single year?

Honestly you are lucky the tradition has lasted as long as it has

This year they spent both Christmas Eve and Christmas with her family, who is also local to the same region.

Where's your brother in all this? Why won't you answer that question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so tired of family matriarchs being in charge of holidays. I am not responsible for my husbands moms feelings. If we agree to do something different than what she wants, she is a big girl and can deal with it. Christmas is just a day. If it really is about spending time with family, you can do that any time. Winter break is the only time many families can travel and take long trips to certain locations.

Yes this, and also the “oh she might not have many more Christmases…..” guilt tripping. Good grief.

Christmas does not need to be celebrated on the day of, and in MANY families, holidays are rotated anyway (this year with wife’s side, next year with husbands side etc). Most families have to get used to “sharing” holiday time far earlier.

If it is important to have your brother and his family at the main family celebration each year, then change it. If not, don’t. They can celebrate Christmas with your mom another day.

If the concern is having all the family together on one day- you’d have better luck planning an annual family reunion during a slower time of year.

[Anonymous]

My ILs (directly or communicated through family member guilt trips- particularly, ahem, my SIL) have been pulling the “could be our last Christmas/summer/etc etc etc ” line for at least 20yrs. Our own kids are now nearly grown. Happily, ILs are still both alive and well AND ALSO happy we set boundaries early on and spent some holidays vacationing or doing other things with our kids. Yes, we spend time with ILs (including SOME holidays) as well.

Just saying.

[Anonymous]

Interesting how so many on this board are totally fine with the scenario OP described. Maybe I just come from a different culture, but skipping Christmas Eve & day with the extended family in order to go on vacation would NOT fly. Nor would I ever want to do that. But everyone has their own cultures, traditions, and families.

[Anonymous]

If this has been a tradition for 20 years - nice your Mom has been able to celebrate for what sounds like the majority of her children’s growing up years. Now it’s this young family’s turn to create their traditions. Unless your mother is really eldery - not 65-70 - there’s a good chance she herself will be around for the next 15-20 Christmases: are you suggesting that your SIL/brother should not have this same opportunity?? I’m a mother of DCs who now have their own spouses (one still at home.) I hope and expect they’ll move beyond even our now every other holiday get together and create their own. As much as I treasure having them here (2 are here this year) -especially in your mother’s case where they’re local - what a self-centered outlook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the others.

Am curious- How does SIL’s extended family factor in here? Do they not see them over Christmas? They come to your side’s celebrations every single year?

Honestly you are lucky the tradition has lasted as long as it has

This year they spent both Christmas Eve and Christmas with her family, who is also local to the same region.

Then that’s unfair unless they are cutting out both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a terrible lesson to teach her children. Keeping up with the joneses and materialism and bragging rights is more important than family.

Yep. I thought it was so out of line. And she said it in the overly nice way, like she was sad she had to announce it. Give me a break.

Make the new non-Christmas on a Tuesday, so you can tell her you'll see her next Tuesday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a terrible lesson to teach her children. Keeping up with the joneses and materialism and bragging rights is more important than family.

+1. Its sad but probably not out of character for the SIL. Hope SIL is loaded though or she is in for some sticker shock when she actually goes to book these trips. Private school is a lot mom more expensive than the tuition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting how so many on this board are totally fine with the scenario OP described. Maybe I just come from a different culture, but skipping Christmas Eve & day with the extended family in order to go on vacation would NOT fly. Nor would I ever want to do that. But everyone has their own cultures, traditions, and families.

+1

As the Italians say “Natale con i tuoi, Pasqua con chi vuoi." (Christmas with yours; Easter with whomever you want).

[Anonymous]

They should feel free to travel for the holidays without guilt!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting how so many on this board are totally fine with the scenario OP described. Maybe I just come from a different culture, but skipping Christmas Eve & day with the extended family in order to go on vacation would NOT fly. Nor would I ever want to do that. But everyone has their own cultures, traditions, and families.

This forum is full of loners, strivers who secretly hate their flyover country family, and non-Christians.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting how so many on this board are totally fine with the scenario OP described. Maybe I just come from a different culture, but skipping Christmas Eve & day with the extended family in order to go on vacation would NOT fly. Nor would I ever want to do that. But everyone has their own cultures, traditions, and families.

You think you should control or influence the choices of adults? You think 'your' family should comply with what you think the traditions should be?

In my family, we recognize people have competing demands on their time and resources. We strive to find a time that works for most and understand when there are conflicts that preclude someone from joining us. We don't get hung up on celebrating the holidays on the actual holiday because we know that 'spirit' is more important than the date.

Glad my mother raised me to set boundaries with people like you and the women in your family. Your brother finds it difficult to overcome his childhood conditioning of complying with your manipulative ways so he relies on me to hold the line. We're a good team that way.

[Anonymous]

Many private schools were on break all last week as well as this week. What I would give for a 2 week break with my spouse and kids only!

Similar to your SIL, I live near my parents and see them 1-2x a week. And yet - we fly back from spring break a day early every year to have Easter dinner with them. I would love to give up that tradition and just enjoy my full vacation. I don’t think I’ll declare “this is the last Easter”. I think we’ll just say “these are the flights we could get” and repeat as needed.