Sister in law told my elderly mother this is the last Christmas she’ll see their family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting how so many on this board are totally fine with the scenario OP described. Maybe I just come from a different culture, but skipping Christmas Eve & day with the extended family in order to go on vacation would NOT fly. Nor would I ever want to do that. But everyone has their own cultures, traditions, and families.

This forum is full of loners, strivers who secretly hate their flyover country family, and non-Christians.

+100

If you see your family every Christmas, you're enmeshed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your brother and SIL have every right to make other plans and should not be expected on the 24th or 25th (or any specific day) each year. It would be nice to celebrate Christmas together another day- many extended families do! I’d go that route. Invite your mom to your house for Christmas.

We already pushed it to the 23rd for them this year. I guess even that wasn’t enough. And for those saying break is short. Private school Christmas break is at least two weeks. Delaying a beach vacation with private school families a day or two is not the end of the world. I would bet anything they go to a place in Florida where her parents can rent an Airbnb or stay in a luxury hotel, so they still spend all of Christmas with her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting how so many on this board are totally fine with the scenario OP described. Maybe I just come from a different culture, but skipping Christmas Eve & day with the extended family in order to go on vacation would NOT fly. Nor would I ever want to do that. But everyone has their own cultures, traditions, and families.

This forum is full of loners, strivers who secretly hate their flyover country family, and non-Christians.

+100

If you see your family every Christmas, you're enmeshed!

Let's pretend you have a grown child and have maintained a healthy relationship with them. Let's pretend that you, without any guilty, offer to host the holiday every year for your kids and grandkids. Sometimes you do it at your home, sometimes you ask for input and pay for a destination getaway. Your child (and then his spouse) chooses to join you every single year from when they are 18-43.

Enmeshed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many private schools were on break all last week as well as this week. What I would give for a 2 week break with my spouse and kids only!

Similar to your SIL, I live near my parents and see them 1-2x a week. And yet - we fly back from spring break a day early every year to have Easter dinner with them. I would love to give up that tradition and just enjoy my full vacation. I don’t think I’ll declare “this is the last Easter”. I think we’ll just say “these are the flights we could get” and repeat as needed.

Wow a whole day early. I’m so sorry you have to go through such anguish to bring a great deal of joy to your elderly parents who could randomly drop dead any day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so tired of family matriarchs being in charge of holidays. I am not responsible for my husbands moms feelings. If we agree to do something different than what she wants, she is a big girl and can deal with it. Christmas is just a day. If it really is about spending time with family, you can do that any time. Winter break is the only time many families can travel and take long trips to certain locations.

I agree but shouldn't her child be the one to tell her at the appropriate time and place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting how so many on this board are totally fine with the scenario OP described. Maybe I just come from a different culture, but skipping Christmas Eve & day with the extended family in order to go on vacation would NOT fly. Nor would I ever want to do that. But everyone has their own cultures, traditions, and families.

This forum is full of loners, strivers who secretly hate their flyover country family, and non-Christians.

+100

If you see your family every Christmas, you're enmeshed!

DP. You don't know the meaning of the word if you think that is true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it a huge deal if they visit with your mother on a day that is not exactly Dec 24-25?

This. I just sat through 5 days where I worked my a$$ of while my mom sat around on her phone playing solitaire and games and maybe tried to engage with my kids once. Took her out to dinner 3 times and cooked two huge meals entertaining her family that I do not care about. I see them once a year. In return my kids and I got $25 gift cards. She forgot to get anything for DH. I am done. Next year, I plan to buy the kids one big gift and some small things that we can bring in a suitcase. I’m going somewhere that I can actually enjoy myself and spend time with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting how so many on this board are totally fine with the scenario OP described. Maybe I just come from a different culture, but skipping Christmas Eve & day with the extended family in order to go on vacation would NOT fly. Nor would I ever want to do that. But everyone has their own cultures, traditions, and families.

You think you should control or influence the choices of adults? You think 'your' family should comply with what you think the traditions should be?

In my family, we recognize people have competing demands on their time and resources. We strive to find a time that works for most and understand when there are conflicts that preclude someone from joining us. We don't get hung up on celebrating the holidays on the actual holiday because we know that 'spirit' is more important than the date.

Glad my mother raised me to set boundaries with people like you and the women in your family. Your brother finds it difficult to overcome his childhood conditioning of complying with your manipulative ways so he relies on me to hold the line. We're a good team that way.

You should train him to use his own voice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it a huge deal if they visit with your mother on a day that is not exactly Dec 24-25?

This. I just sat through 5 days where I worked my a$$ of while my mom sat around on her phone playing solitaire and games and maybe tried to engage with my kids once. Took her out to dinner 3 times and cooked two huge meals entertaining her family that I do not care about. I see them once a year. In return my kids and I got $25 gift cards. She forgot to get anything for DH. I am done. Next year, I plan to buy the kids one big gift and some small things that we can bring in a suitcase. I’m going somewhere that I can actually enjoy myself and spend time with my kids.

Who told you to do all that and exhaust yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting how so many on this board are totally fine with the scenario OP described. Maybe I just come from a different culture, but skipping Christmas Eve & day with the extended family in order to go on vacation would NOT fly. Nor would I ever want to do that. But everyone has their own cultures, traditions, and families.

This forum is full of loners, strivers who secretly hate their flyover country family, and non-Christians.

+100

If you see your family every Christmas, you're enmeshed!

DP. You don't know the meaning of the word if you think that is true.

Nevermind. I see you were being sarcastic. Carry on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it a huge deal if they visit with your mother on a day that is not exactly Dec 24-25?

This. I just sat through 5 days where I worked my a$$ of while my mom sat around on her phone playing solitaire and games and maybe tried to engage with my kids once. Took her out to dinner 3 times and cooked two huge meals entertaining her family that I do not care about. I see them once a year. In return my kids and I got $25 gift cards. She forgot to get anything for DH. I am done. Next year, I plan to buy the kids one big gift and some small things that we can bring in a suitcase. I’m going somewhere that I can actually enjoy myself and spend time with my kids.

You’re projecting. Nobody said anything about a five day Christmas. It’s literally one day. Usually Christmas Eve until 10 p.m., when they leave to go to church with her family. This year it was Eve Eve. Even Eve Eve no longer works for them.

[Anonymous]

OP: your SIL doesn't like doing your family's Christmas because you are passive aggressive and manipulative. You want to control other people but do so in indirect ways so that you can always claim that you aren't doing it. "Oh I was just worried about mom, who knows how many Christmases she has left after all." It's toxic and annoying AF. Since your SIL and brother live near your mom, they probably prefer to see her at times when you are not around. Or maybe your mom is like you and they distance generally because no one enjoys behavior like this.

Think of it this way. In doing this, your SIL is giving you a Christmas gift you will enjoy every single year -- the gift of feeling superior and taking $hit about your relatives when they aren't around. That's actually really sweet of you -- there's probably nothing you enjoy so well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting how so many on this board are totally fine with the scenario OP described. Maybe I just come from a different culture, but skipping Christmas Eve & day with the extended family in order to go on vacation would NOT fly. Nor would I ever want to do that. But everyone has their own cultures, traditions, and families.

You think you should control or influence the choices of adults? You think 'your' family should comply with what you think the traditions should be?

In my family, we recognize people have competing demands on their time and resources. We strive to find a time that works for most and understand when there are conflicts that preclude someone from joining us. We don't get hung up on celebrating the holidays on the actual holiday because we know that 'spirit' is more important than the date.

Glad my mother raised me to set boundaries with people like you and the women in your family. Your brother finds it difficult to overcome his childhood conditioning of complying with your manipulative ways so he relies on me to hold the line. We're a good team that way.

Ha, I’m the child in the above scenario for whom it would not fly with my family if I skipped out on Christmas. But I also wouldn’t want to, so I guess I’m lucky that way. Also, yes Italian American families are “enmeshed” with each other. 🤣

[Anonymous]

They live very close to your mother, and presumably see her regularly? She is very lucky to have this. Many grandparents do not. Christmas is one day, and of course parents of school-aged children prefer to travel during school breaks. Thus the change happening now- when the children are school aged.

Those who live in colder climates often enjoy a warm weather vacation over the winter also- and the kids are now finally old enough to travel more easily. Makes sense to me.

When you look at this from brother and SIL’s perspective, makes a lot of sense from all angles. It is perfectly natural that they want to do more traveling at this stage, and I doubt it has anything to do with private school. When else are they supposed to travel? Should they wait until your mother passes away? Only travel in the summer? Then there will be a wedding, reunion, or something else in the way. There always is. There will always be some conflict or another. Can’t please everyone.

What would you do if brother and SIL moved away (oh- but visited every year for the all-important Christmas Day holiday?). I’d think about that for a moment. My guess is the current situation is vastly preferable. They can celebrate with you another day- and really who cares which day that is??

[Anonymous]

Oh no, your SIL is widowed, or divorced? Or your brother is a deaf, mute, blind quadriplegic who can’t communicate in any way?

OH WAIT. Your brother is also equally responsible for this decision. And yet you only blame the woman, you sexist jerk.