Why does my mom drop everything for random people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my dad. I think he thrives off feeling good about himself and others’ approval. In our family, he is a seen as a slacker (undiagnosed ADD it seems) so we probably aren’t a boost to his self esteem like these strangers are.

The downside is that we feel like bottom of the totem pole and he is giving away a lot of money against my mother’s wishes and which is needed for daily expenses.

Same type of spouse here.

He can’t keep up his appearances or energy so he churns through people and keeps hitting the “restart” button with new outsiders.
Only people stuck are U.S. insiders, aka family.

This. SIL has no lifetime friends that are not also her siblings' friends. I can't imagine having no lifetime friends (of my own), and churning through different people, with the same explanations offered here. Yet other family members, who she barely has bothered to know, are the bad guy, somehow - always some excuse or gaslighting in full force.

[Anonymous]

My mil, who is great, was helping me after another baby. My mom couldn’t come, and she’s so helpful. My own mom just isn’t as physically capable anymore.

She agreed to stay with us for a few weeks bc it was a CS. It was our third and last kid. So two other kids to help.

The first 5 days or so she was so helpful. Then she informed us she’d be ending early to help 2 other people! (One was her brother, a fully capable man). The other the daughter of a random person. I’m telling you, it was quite random.

Those people will laud and appreciate her to the death, well, I would have if she had stayed with us.

She offered to come back at the end of the 3 weeks. I don’t remember what we said, but the critical time for her to be there was in the middle of helping others.. it was when DH was going back to work for the first time. And again, still quite raw from CS. Ped appointments, and carrying still an issue for me. Even a gallon of milk or heavy pot was pulling.

I still don’t get it. We clearly were desperate and needed help. I feel we are pleasant people. Why when we needed help did she have to leave and help others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mil, who is great, was helping me after another baby. My mom couldn’t come, and she’s so helpful. My own mom just isn’t as physically capable anymore.

She agreed to stay with us for a few weeks bc it was a CS. It was our third and last kid. So two other kids to help.

The first 5 days or so she was so helpful. Then she informed us she’d be ending early to help 2 other people! (One was her brother, a fully capable man). The other the daughter of a random person. I’m telling you, it was quite random.

Those people will laud and appreciate her to the death, well, I would have if she had stayed with us.

She offered to come back at the end of the 3 weeks. I don’t remember what we said, but the critical time for her to be there was in the middle of helping others.. it was when DH was going back to work for the first time. And again, still quite raw from CS. Ped appointments, and carrying still an issue for me. Even a gallon of milk or heavy pot was pulling.

I still don’t get it. We clearly were desperate and needed help. I feel we are pleasant people. Why when we needed help did she have to leave and help others?

And I was hospitalized on day 7 postpartum, for 2 days, with an infection and a hematoma that needed looking at. So we were really struggling more than the other 2 births. It was necessary for such a loving person to be there with us.

She left shortly after that to help these other people… there are other people who could have helped with what was going on for these others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This rings so close to home I had to call my sister and ask her if she posted this.

Same here… never expected to have (multiple!) people describe experiences so similar to mine.


In my case, though a lot of therapy, I’ve come to the conclusion that my mother is only comfortable in relationships where she is unquestionably “the giver,” and tries to force all her relationships to fit this dynamic. If you are self-supporting, she loses interest completely.

It’s sad for her because she is not conscious of (or simply doesn’t have the capacity to understand) what she is doing, and absolutely refuses to change her behavior. But will also ask me why we aren’t closer.

Huh, I had not thought about this, but it makes sense. In my case, I think a significant part of it is that her parents were similarly neglectful of her and put the “community” above her needs, again lots of good deeds for random people. I think it’s a defense mechanism that she does the same. If she admitted that it’s not the right thing to do, she would have to admit that her own family didn’t prioritize her needs ever.

Amazing to see so many people on this thread with similar issues. Really helpful to know it’s not just me. And also that the gaslighting that she does to me is just that - if am disappointed when she bails on something, she makes me feel like I’m some selfish person who is against community service, lol.

Wow, this makes so much sense. I’m the PP you replied to and my mother comes from a clergy family where this was definitely normalized/expected. I always hated to see her recreate this dynamic within the family but I’m now realizing these may have been longstanding dynamics that were foisted on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This rings so close to home I had to call my sister and ask her if she posted this.

Same here… never expected to have (multiple!) people describe experiences so similar to mine.


In my case, though a lot of therapy, I’ve come to the conclusion that my mother is only comfortable in relationships where she is unquestionably “the giver,” and tries to force all her relationships to fit this dynamic. If you are self-supporting, she loses interest completely.

It’s sad for her because she is not conscious of (or simply doesn’t have the capacity to understand) what she is doing, and absolutely refuses to change her behavior. But will also ask me why we aren’t closer.

Huh, I had not thought about this, but it makes sense. In my case, I think a significant part of it is that her parents were similarly neglectful of her and put the “community” above her needs, again lots of good deeds for random people. I think it’s a defense mechanism that she does the same. If she admitted that it’s not the right thing to do, she would have to admit that her own family didn’t prioritize her needs ever.

Amazing to see so many people on this thread with similar issues. Really helpful to know it’s not just me. And also that the gaslighting that she does to me is just that - if am disappointed when she bails on something, she makes me feel like I’m some selfish person who is against community service, lol.

+1

PP here. It is all about them, and how they "look" to outsiders. It has nothing to with actually helping people. It has to do with saying they "belong" to different groups, but they really don't "belong" to any group, just pre-existing groups with warm bodies as place keepers. It would be sad, if not so predictable. Even more maddening when they bad mouth the good, nice, kind and decent people to those who could not care less (you guessed it, from the pre-existing groups). Apparently, the offenders don't want good, kind, nice, decent people in their lives. Go figure.

Just to clarify- this isn’t the PP you originally replied to (me). Maybe a different person who also previously posted on the thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this, too,quite the do-gooder. People can't understand why such a lovely, give-you-the-shirt-off-her-back saint has such ungrateful, unappreciative kids. What they don't realize is that she's lucky her kids have a relationship with her at all. FWIW, I'm 58 and this has been going on my whole life.

My mother is like this, too. She creates this situation and then manipulates her friends into pitying her. It’s a sad cry for negative attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, she thinks she needs to portray a certain public persona, and is worried about what outsiders will think of her, if she says no to them.

Agree. This is my dad with the entire church community 😩 they all thought he was some kind of folk hero

[Anonymous]

My mom is sort of like this, but she helps me. Her issue is that she will just sacrifice me whenever anyone else needs help in a way that inconveniences me - like offer up my time/comfort/possessions or put me in a bad spot if it allows her to help someone else. It’s led to a lot of pain, embarrassment and anger and I’ve thought about why extensively. And she thinks she isn’t doing anything wrong. What I’ve come up with is that she is to her core a people pleaser and she’s confused being a pleaser with having good manners/being kind. She has no problem sacrificing me because she thinks it’s good manners and I should do it anyway. And it’s the worst dynamic because she then thinks I’m overreacting when I get upset and just cannot see why she’s the villain in the situation - I mean after all she’s just having good manners! It’s infuriating.

[Anonymous]

She wants to win over their admiration and accolades. You are old news,

[Anonymous]

It makes me sad to see how much people vent on their mothers for relatively small things. Didn’t your moms do enough for you when they raised you? Why do you expect them to keep being selfless to your own family? Don’t you want them to have their own social circle and friends? What is it that you really need them to do for you? Frankly, my kids are teens and I am almost done giving, giving, giving. Breadwinner, social support, moral support, mental load, physical load for 18+ years - when is it time to stop? If a mother hates cooking but does it anyway to ensure their kids have a healthy diet, is she obligated to keep doing this for her grandkids? I don’t think so. The small favors she does for other people aren’t a big deal and maybe those women, who are her community and social support do the same for them and you just aren’t aware?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This rings so close to home I had to call my sister and ask her if she posted this.

Same here… never expected to have (multiple!) people describe experiences so similar to mine.


In my case, though a lot of therapy, I’ve come to the conclusion that my mother is only comfortable in relationships where she is unquestionably “the giver,” and tries to force all her relationships to fit this dynamic. If you are self-supporting, she loses interest completely.

It’s sad for her because she is not conscious of (or simply doesn’t have the capacity to understand) what she is doing, and absolutely refuses to change her behavior. But will also ask me why we aren’t closer.

Huh, I had not thought about this, but it makes sense. In my case, I think a significant part of it is that her parents were similarly neglectful of her and put the “community” above her needs, again lots of good deeds for random people. I think it’s a defense mechanism that she does the same. If she admitted that it’s not the right thing to do, she would have to admit that her own family didn’t prioritize her needs ever.

Amazing to see so many people on this thread with similar issues. Really helpful to know it’s not just me. And also that the gaslighting that she does to me is just that - if am disappointed when she bails on something, she makes me feel like I’m some selfish person who is against community service, lol.

Wow, this makes so much sense. I’m the PP you replied to and my mother comes from a clergy family where this was definitely normalized/expected. I always hated to see her recreate this dynamic within the family but I’m now realizing these may have been longstanding dynamics that were foisted on her.

PP you’re responding to. Wow, I am really appreciating this thread. My mom is also from a very religious family. Thiis all so interesting. That is the other angle - because her activities are vaguely tied to religion (mostly just that she originally met the person she’s helping through her religious group), she acts like they are better than however we spend our time. And so, if we need to reorganize our events for hers, that is appropriate because hers are on a higher level and how could we ask her to skip or reschedule something like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mil, who is great, was helping me after another baby. My mom couldn’t come, and she’s so helpful. My own mom just isn’t as physically capable anymore.

She agreed to stay with us for a few weeks bc it was a CS. It was our third and last kid. So two other kids to help.

The first 5 days or so she was so helpful. Then she informed us she’d be ending early to help 2 other people! (One was her brother, a fully capable man). The other the daughter of a random person. I’m telling you, it was quite random.

Those people will laud and appreciate her to the death, well, I would have if she had stayed with us.

She offered to come back at the end of the 3 weeks. I don’t remember what we said, but the critical time for her to be there was in the middle of helping others.. it was when DH was going back to work for the first time. And again, still quite raw from CS. Ped appointments, and carrying still an issue for me. Even a gallon of milk or heavy pot was pulling.

I still don’t get it. We clearly were desperate and needed help. I feel we are pleasant people. Why when we needed help did she have to leave and help others?

And I was hospitalized on day 7 postpartum, for 2 days, with an infection and a hematoma that needed looking at. So we were really struggling more than the other 2 births. It was necessary for such a loving person to be there with us.

She left shortly after that to help these other people… there are other people who could have helped with what was going on for these others.

With my MIL (who is not nearly or at all helpful) - not helping is a statement that she "doesn't like" someone or something - like a petulant child. Even though that someone or something did nothing wrong, at all, and is perfectly, consistently acceptable and likeable. I imagine that your MIL is more socially adaptable, mature, and together - just putting it out there. (Fairly certain that MIL is ASD, as is SIL, who codependent, and certainly are not going to out each other.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It makes me sad to see how much people vent on their mothers for relatively small things. Didn’t your moms do enough for you when they raised you? Why do you expect them to keep being selfless to your own family? Don’t you want them to have their own social circle and friends? What is it that you really need them to do for you? Frankly, my kids are teens and I am almost done giving, giving, giving. Breadwinner, social support, moral support, mental load, physical load for 18+ years - when is it time to stop? If a mother hates cooking but does it anyway to ensure their kids have a healthy diet, is she obligated to keep doing this for her grandkids? I don’t think so. The small favors she does for other people aren’t a big deal and maybe those women, who are her community and social support do the same for them and you just aren’t aware?

Apologist.

I don’t NEED anything from my mother (no childcare, no money, no logistical support, nothing). I am 100% independent in every way. BUT I would like my children to have a relationship with her, some kind of relationship at a minimum. My mother breaks plans to see my children (not to baby sit them which she has NEVER done) but plans to see their concert or sports game or recital or play or grandparents day at school or to go to a movie with us or to come have lunch at our house or to just visit so she can see her ex-coworker’s (who moved 500 miles away 10 years ago) daughter who now lives in Florida but will be in town to buy a new car. She is not in regular contact with the ex-coworker or the adult daughter. But now the woman is engaged and for some reason my mother needs to see this random person, drive 90 miles to see her, and break plans to see her grandson play soccer (which she hasn’t seen play since before Covid).

So I have stopped telling my kids when my mother is “planning” to meet up with us because 99% of the time she cancels to do random $hit like above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It makes me sad to see how much people vent on their mothers for relatively small things. Didn’t your moms do enough for you when they raised you? Why do you expect them to keep being selfless to your own family? Don’t you want them to have their own social circle and friends? What is it that you really need them to do for you? Frankly, my kids are teens and I am almost done giving, giving, giving. Breadwinner, social support, moral support, mental load, physical load for 18+ years - when is it time to stop? If a mother hates cooking but does it anyway to ensure their kids have a healthy diet, is she obligated to keep doing this for her grandkids? I don’t think so. The small favors she does for other people aren’t a big deal and maybe those women, who are her community and social support do the same for them and you just aren’t aware?

Most people are IDing behaviors their parent did through to it childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It makes me sad to see how much people vent on their mothers for relatively small things. Didn’t your moms do enough for you when they raised you? Why do you expect them to keep being selfless to your own family? Don’t you want them to have their own social circle and friends? What is it that you really need them to do for you? Frankly, my kids are teens and I am almost done giving, giving, giving. Breadwinner, social support, moral support, mental load, physical load for 18+ years - when is it time to stop? If a mother hates cooking but does it anyway to ensure their kids have a healthy diet, is she obligated to keep doing this for her grandkids? I don’t think so. The small favors she does for other people aren’t a big deal and maybe those women, who are her community and social support do the same for them and you just aren’t aware?

Apologist.

I don’t NEED anything from my mother (no childcare, no money, no logistical support, nothing). I am 100% independent in every way. BUT I would like my children to have a relationship with her, some kind of relationship at a minimum. My mother breaks plans to see my children (not to baby sit them which she has NEVER done) but plans to see their concert or sports game or recital or play or grandparents day at school or to go to a movie with us or to come have lunch at our house or to just visit so she can see her ex-coworker’s (who moved 500 miles away 10 years ago) daughter who now lives in Florida but will be in town to buy a new car. She is not in regular contact with the ex-coworker or the adult daughter. But now the woman is engaged and for some reason my mother needs to see this random person, drive 90 miles to see her, and break plans to see her grandson play soccer (which she hasn’t seen play since before Covid).

So I have stopped telling my kids when my mother is “planning” to meet up with us because 99% of the time she cancels to do random $hit like above.

I’m sorry, I must have misunderstood.