Why does my mom drop everything for random people?

[Anonymous]

Why does my mother got out of her way to help random people in her life, yet can’t be bothered with me or my children, while simultaneously contradicting her behavior by telling us how much she misses us and wants to see us?

My mom will call and say she misses me/us and ask to make plans. Then, either one of two things will happen. She will either A.) Make the plan, then cancel last minute because she has to help someone, and it’s always a random person (I’ll expand below), or, B.) Will just tell me why X or Y day won’t work, because she has to help some random person. But then she will continue calling to tell me how much she misses us and hasn’t seen us in forever.

The random people/things: She has agreed to drive her random aerobics class friend to the grocery store. Or, she needs to help the daughter of an old friend who only very recently came back into her life, do something. Things like that. I’m just curious why she can never break THOSE plans and say to the random aerobics friend, no, I can’t drive you, I have plans with my grandchild.

Basically, why are these random people more important to my mother?

[Anonymous]

I can't answer why but I can tell you we have the same mother. And I would have asked if you're one of my sisters, but my mother drops everything for them too, it's just me and my kids she will break all plans with for some random person I have never met or heard of before to do something for them that the random person could easily do themselves (like take an uber).

[Anonymous]

I'd guess it's because of her choosing to do things, versus a feeling of obligation. Whether it's a real feeling or perceived, she probably perceives a feeling of obligation to family but doesn't like that feeling of obligation, and prefers to do things whenever she wants as she wants them, due to a lifetime of obligation. But it's not necessarily a matter of 'more important.'

[Anonymous]

That sounds annoying and hurtful. Have you asked her point-blank, OP?

[Anonymous]

OP, she thinks she needs to portray a certain public persona, and is worried about what outsiders will think of her, if she says no to them.

[Anonymous]

I think it's because she wants to have friends and thinks she can do favors to get friends. Or because she feels more in control of the relationship with these randoms than she does with you.

[Anonymous]

She has a hard time saying no to non family members.

[Anonymous]

My mother is exactly like this. So is MIL. If I MYOB, I’m neglecting her. If I see her regularly, I’m using her even if I specifically don’t ask for anything or accept gifts. It’s narcissism and paranoia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, she thinks she needs to portray a certain public persona, and is worried about what outsiders will think of her, if she says no to them.

This.

It sounds a little bit like covert narcissism. She does the sweet helpful kindly thing for random people in her life, doesn't have the same warmth toward her own children and grandchildren.

The warmth isn't real, it's an image she projects to these random yoga friends and it feeds her narcissism and her perception of herself as a kindly martyr.

Then she cries that she doesn't see her family enough, woe is me - but she doesn't really want to spend all that time with family who probably don't support her narcissistic view of herself. She prefers the martyr role of being the grandma who is neglected by her family over the actual grandma role of investing time and attention into grandkids and kids.

[Anonymous]

It's because she's comfortable playing Lady Bountiful in these not-actually-close relationships. But the emotional intimacy of an actual functional family relationship is not a good fit for her so she avoids it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, she thinks she needs to portray a certain public persona, and is worried about what outsiders will think of her, if she says no to them.

This.

It sounds a little bit like covert narcissism. She does the sweet helpful kindly thing for random people in her life, doesn't have the same warmth toward her own children and grandchildren.

The warmth isn't real, it's an image she projects to these random yoga friends and it feeds her narcissism and her perception of herself as a kindly martyr.

Then she cries that she doesn't see her family enough, woe is me - but she doesn't really want to spend all that time with family who probably don't support her narcissistic view of herself. She prefers the martyr role of being the grandma who is neglected by her family over the actual grandma role of investing time and attention into grandkids and kids.

+1

Nailed it.

[Anonymous]

My mom is like this, too,quite the do-gooder. People can't understand why such a lovely, give-you-the-shirt-off-her-back saint has such ungrateful, unappreciative kids. What they don't realize is that she's lucky her kids have a relationship with her at all. FWIW, I'm 58 and this has been going on my whole life.

[Anonymous]

This rings so close to home I had to call my sister and ask her if she posted this.

[Anonymous]

She was probably conditioned and rewarded being a good helper when she was growing up, and these isolated acts of kindness give her positive feedback and sense of self, in very low risk situations - all these friends don't expect this level of help and are probably mostly grateful and complimentary.

Family dynamic is very different. Maybe she feels guilty of not being the kind of parent to you that she wanted to be. Maybe she was in some way disconnected from own mother or a "disappointment" to her, and now same pattern is playing out with you.

You have every right to be pissed, but nothing will come out of confronting her (even in a polite way). If you want to improve a genuine connection - work with what you got, help her succeed at whatever little she can come through with. And work with a therapist. If you need reliable help with childcare - just accept it won't come from your mom and get it elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's because she's comfortable playing Lady Bountiful in these not-actually-close relationships. But the emotional intimacy of an actual functional family relationship is not a good fit for her so she avoids it.

I think this is the closest description. My mom was like this and now is more involved because we've needed her more. One relationship is all give and receive. The other give and take. One much easier to stroke an ego. Also, a lot of older people worry they will die alone and are craving time with their friends. They don't have a job or a moms meet up so these interactions are important to them. They also feel might need this help at some point and know their daughter or son might be too busy to handle these needs.