Why does my mom drop everything for random people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's because she's comfortable playing Lady Bountiful in these not-actually-close relationships. But the emotional intimacy of an actual functional family relationship is not a good fit for her so she avoids it.

I think this is the closest description. My mom was like this and now is more involved because we've needed her more. One relationship is all give and receive. The other give and take. One much easier to stroke an ego. Also, a lot of older people worry they will die alone and are craving time with their friends. They don't have a job or a moms meet up so these interactions are important to them. They also feel might need this help at some point and know their daughter or son might be too busy to handle these needs.

I should add it took years to get to this point. I had to learn to basically behave like the friends to her. To only ask her for things that were comfortable to her. To have a lot of fun gathering times with no requests. To have a real need that went beyond just general parenting.

[Anonymous]

I have done similar things. All in all, I help most people I can, but the barely friends or half strangers have needed a lot more help than my own family. It's not family vs strangers, it's where help is needed most. Ofcourse it doesn't explain your mom, but that's why I do it. Usually I throw money at the stranger's problem or give a ride. Family needs help time wise which I may be more stingy about.
If they made it very clear they really need my help, I go all out.
I don't tell my family though that I miss them. It's cultural. We don't say it because we were brought up to become independent from early age. They would freak out if I told them that.
They don't tell me often they need help or I would freak out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have done similar things. All in all, I help most people I can, but the barely friends or half strangers have needed a lot more help than my own family. It's not family vs strangers, it's where help is needed most. Ofcourse it doesn't explain your mom, but that's why I do it. Usually I throw money at the stranger's problem or give a ride. Family needs help time wise which I may be more stingy about.
If they made it very clear they really need my help, I go all out.
I don't tell my family though that I miss them. It's cultural. We don't say it because we were brought up to become independent from early age. They would freak out if I told them that.
They don't tell me often they need help or I would freak out.

You suck. So you admittedly cancel on your family because you think randoms need you more. This is so sad.

[Anonymous]

This is my dad. I think he thrives off feeling good about himself and others’ approval. In our family, he is a seen as a slacker (undiagnosed ADD it seems) so we probably aren’t a boost to his self esteem like these strangers are.

The downside is that we feel like bottom of the totem pole and he is giving away a lot of money against my mother’s wishes and which is needed for daily expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this, too,quite the do-gooder. People can't understand why such a lovely, give-you-the-shirt-off-her-back saint has such ungrateful, unappreciative kids. What they don't realize is that she's lucky her kids have a relationship with her at all. FWIW, I'm 58 and this has been going on my whole life.

LOL so true. They don't know the real her, and she knows that, and she likes it that way.

OP, she does it so she can be seen as the "good guy" - they don't know what family has to tolerate.

[Anonymous]

Because seeing you is fun, but food security is a necessity.

[Anonymous]

My mom is like this too. I think it’s because she wants attention and likes to get brownie points from her church which is where she meets these randoms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because seeing you is fun, but food security is a necessity.

?

[Anonymous]

ADHD. Living in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this too. I think it’s because she wants attention and likes to get brownie points from her church which is where she meets these randoms.

+1

[Anonymous]

Is she codependent? This is my mom. Daughter of alcoholics, one of my siblings also has major substance issues and she's an enabler with them. Big on control and rescuing. I'm the perfectionist she doesn't have to worry about so she doesn't mind throwing me over to go rescue someone else if it means maintaining control. She has a hard time stepping away from new friends and projects if it means they might move on and not need her anymore.

lol sorry if I'm projecting a little onto your situation...

[Anonymous]

My mother yelled at me today on the phone because I didn't call her to ask her to help me take care of my teens when we all had covid.

1) she has NEVER agreed to help me whenever I have asked, she has always said no (no she had to work, or that my other siblings needed here more, or that a random friend needed her or that she was too busy), literally every single time she'd say "why don't you ever let me watch the kids so you and DH can go away for a few days" and I would try to take her up on the offer, she'd have an excuse; 10 out of 10, every time. so I stopped asking and realized her offers weren't sincere. And 2) it was covid, I was super sick and one of my teens was also sick. I wasn't going to ask her to drive up here to take care of my other teen (drive them to practice, etc), because I don't want my 77 year old diabetic, overweight and unvaccinated mother getting covid.

She was so mad at me. I hadn't returned her calls in a few days because I had a 103 fever and my brain was on fire. I just said I have to go and hung up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does my mother got out of her way to help random people in her life, yet can’t be bothered with me or my children, while simultaneously contradicting her behavior by telling us how much she misses us and wants to see us?

My mom will call and say she misses me/us and ask to make plans. Then, either one of two things will happen. She will either A.) Make the plan, then cancel last minute because she has to help someone, and it’s always a random person (I’ll expand below), or, B.) Will just tell me why X or Y day won’t work, because she has to help some random person. But then she will continue calling to tell me how much she misses us and hasn’t seen us in forever.

The random people/things: She has agreed to drive her random aerobics class friend to the grocery store. Or, she needs to help the daughter of an old friend who only very recently came back into her life, do something. Things like that. I’m just curious why she can never break THOSE plans and say to the random aerobics friend, no, I can’t drive you, I have plans with my grandchild.

Basically, why are these random people more important to my mother?

Narcissism. Unforunately, your mom wants to be seen aa a good guy only to make her feel better. My mom is one too and she has attachment issues. Don't expect her to change and it might gwt worse as she ages

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does my mother got out of her way to help random people in her life, yet can’t be bothered with me or my children, while simultaneously contradicting her behavior by telling us how much she misses us and wants to see us?

My mom will call and say she misses me/us and ask to make plans. Then, either one of two things will happen. She will either A.) Make the plan, then cancel last minute because she has to help someone, and it’s always a random person (I’ll expand below), or, B.) Will just tell me why X or Y day won’t work, because she has to help some random person. But then she will continue calling to tell me how much she misses us and hasn’t seen us in forever.

The random people/things: She has agreed to drive her random aerobics class friend to the grocery store. Or, she needs to help the daughter of an old friend who only very recently came back into her life, do something. Things like that. I’m just curious why she can never break THOSE plans and say to the random aerobics friend, no, I can’t drive you, I have plans with my grandchild.

Basically, why are these random people more important to my mother?

What does she say when you ask her about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's because she's comfortable playing Lady Bountiful in these not-actually-close relationships. But the emotional intimacy of an actual functional family relationship is not a good fit for her so she avoids it.

This. My grandfather loved to go out to restaurants and leave huge tips; he was so helpful and kind to all his friends. Everyone thought Bob was great. To his family he was stingy and physically abusive.