Why does my mom drop everything for random people?

[Anonymous]

PP - my mom has cognitive decline and is in assisted living but she has been so “random focused” her entire life. I now look like a complete monster if I complain so this was so cathartic to vent here.

I will go visit her and no kidding, she will talk non stop about her randoms. I’m losing my patience with her and it’s so tempting to interrupt to tell her that I truly don’t want to waste time hearing about her doctor’s office manager’s teenage son’s educational trajectory

She has no hobbies. Will not watch tv. Can’t get her into interesting conversations. Doesn’t read. Entirely self-focused and it all seems like wasted time.

[Anonymous]

My parents never attended a graduation or a recital for any of our children because they couldn't miss their shift volunteering at the food pantry, so I hear you. They are both narcissists and they really enjoy being admired by people in their community. Not particularly kind in private, say incredibly mean things to me and my kids, but our priest thinks they're awesome! So that means they're going to heaven, don't you know! God's a funny guy. For the all-powerful creator of the universe, he appears to be very easily duped.

[Anonymous]

Just keep pointing out her cancellations. “I’m sure you miss us but it’s hard for us to get a spot on your calendar. You’ve canceled 4 of our last get-togethers. I can’t fix it when you make your own priorities.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just keep pointing out her cancellations. “I’m sure you miss us but it’s hard for us to get a spot on your calendar. You’ve canceled 4 of our last get-togethers. I can’t fix it when you make your own priorities.”

This. Speculations about possible personality disorders won’t help you. This could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This rings so close to home I had to call my sister and ask her if she posted this.

Same here… never expected to have (multiple!) people describe experiences so similar to mine.


In my case, though a lot of therapy, I’ve come to the conclusion that my mother is only comfortable in relationships where she is unquestionably “the giver,” and tries to force all her relationships to fit this dynamic. If you are self-supporting, she loses interest completely.

It’s sad for her because she is not conscious of (or simply doesn’t have the capacity to understand) what she is doing, and absolutely refuses to change her behavior. But will also ask me why we aren’t closer.

Huh, I had not thought about this, but it makes sense. In my case, I think a significant part of it is that her parents were similarly neglectful of her and put the “community” above her needs, again lots of good deeds for random people. I think it’s a defense mechanism that she does the same. If she admitted that it’s not the right thing to do, she would have to admit that her own family didn’t prioritize her needs ever.

Amazing to see so many people on this thread with similar issues. Really helpful to know it’s not just me. And also that the gaslighting that she does to me is just that - if am disappointed when she bails on something, she makes me feel like I’m some selfish person who is against community service, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP - my mom has cognitive decline and is in assisted living but she has been so “random focused” her entire life. I now look like a complete monster if I complain so this was so cathartic to vent here.

I will go visit her and no kidding, she will talk non stop about her randoms. I’m losing my patience with her and it’s so tempting to interrupt to tell her that I truly don’t want to waste time hearing about her doctor’s office manager’s teenage son’s educational trajectory

She has no hobbies. Will not watch tv. Can’t get her into interesting conversations. Doesn’t read. Entirely self-focused and it all seems like wasted time.

She is sharing her life with you. Why is this worse than discussing TV shows or hobbies? It sounds like conversations ARE her hobby. When I talk to my kids, they tell me about co-workers or classmates whom I will never meet. But if I listen and ask about them next time, it shows that I care about my child because I care about what they care about. If you want to discuss yourself, tell your mom that you have exciting news to share and change the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP - my mom has cognitive decline and is in assisted living but she has been so “random focused” her entire life. I now look like a complete monster if I complain so this was so cathartic to vent here.

I will go visit her and no kidding, she will talk non stop about her randoms. I’m losing my patience with her and it’s so tempting to interrupt to tell her that I truly don’t want to waste time hearing about her doctor’s office manager’s teenage son’s educational trajectory

She has no hobbies. Will not watch tv. Can’t get her into interesting conversations. Doesn’t read. Entirely self-focused and it all seems like wasted time.

She is sharing her life with you. Why is this worse than discussing TV shows or hobbies? It sounds like conversations ARE her hobby. When I talk to my kids, they tell me about co-workers or classmates whom I will never meet. But if I listen and ask about them next time, it shows that I care about my child because I care about what they care about. If you want to discuss yourself, tell your mom that you have exciting news to share and change the subject.

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This rings so close to home I had to call my sister and ask her if she posted this.

Same here… never expected to have (multiple!) people describe experiences so similar to mine.


In my case, though a lot of therapy, I’ve come to the conclusion that my mother is only comfortable in relationships where she is unquestionably “the giver,” and tries to force all her relationships to fit this dynamic. If you are self-supporting, she loses interest completely.

It’s sad for her because she is not conscious of (or simply doesn’t have the capacity to understand) what she is doing, and absolutely refuses to change her behavior. But will also ask me why we aren’t closer.

Huh, I had not thought about this, but it makes sense. In my case, I think a significant part of it is that her parents were similarly neglectful of her and put the “community” above her needs, again lots of good deeds for random people. I think it’s a defense mechanism that she does the same. If she admitted that it’s not the right thing to do, she would have to admit that her own family didn’t prioritize her needs ever.

Amazing to see so many people on this thread with similar issues. Really helpful to know it’s not just me. And also that the gaslighting that she does to me is just that - if am disappointed when she bails on something, she makes me feel like I’m some selfish person who is against community service, lol.

+1

PP here. It is all about them, and how they "look" to outsiders. It has nothing to with actually helping people. It has to do with saying they "belong" to different groups, but they really don't "belong" to any group, just pre-existing groups with warm bodies as place keepers. It would be sad, if not so predictable. Even more maddening when they bad mouth the good, nice, kind and decent people to those who could not care less (you guessed it, from the pre-existing groups). Apparently, the offenders don't want good, kind, nice, decent people in their lives. Go figure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, she thinks she needs to portray a certain public persona, and is worried about what outsiders will think of her, if she says no to them.

Have a father the same way. Silent and neglectful at home growing up - just worked on his computer, had no friends. But the second someone came over other was an outing with others involved, he’d stop, go out, say his canned niceties, then return home and crash.

It was scary bizarre

[Anonymous]

People pleaser

Ego and image were priority #1

Aspergers so masked for new people until unmasked

Needed social validation constantly

Only wanted superficial relationships

[Anonymous]

People with intense careers get away with this - ignoring those closest to them. Many of us grew up with Fathers like this, thinking it was just that they were busy doing extremely important things. In Op's case and many here, posters instead know how Mom spends her time.

[Anonymous]

Super insightful thread. Thanks for posting!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have done similar things. All in all, I help most people I can, but the barely friends or half strangers have needed a lot more help than my own family. It's not family vs strangers, it's where help is needed most. Ofcourse it doesn't explain your mom, but that's why I do it. Usually I throw money at the stranger's problem or give a ride. Family needs help time wise which I may be more stingy about.
If they made it very clear they really need my help, I go all out.
I don't tell my family though that I miss them. It's cultural. We don't say it because we were brought up to become independent from early age. They would freak out if I told them that.
They don't tell me often they need help or I would freak out.

Yikes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my dad. I think he thrives off feeling good about himself and others’ approval. In our family, he is a seen as a slacker (undiagnosed ADD it seems) so we probably aren’t a boost to his self esteem like these strangers are.

The downside is that we feel like bottom of the totem pole and he is giving away a lot of money against my mother’s wishes and which is needed for daily expenses.

Same type of spouse here.

He can’t keep up his appearances or energy so he churns through people and keeps hitting the “restart” button with new outsiders.
Only people stuck are U.S. insiders, aka family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When some random relative's neighbor dies my mom starts calling everyone up to share the news. I mean, why?

Boredom needs someone to talk with