Why does my mom drop everything for random people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It makes me sad to see how much people vent on their mothers for relatively small things. Didn’t your moms do enough for you when they raised you? Why do you expect them to keep being selfless to your own family? Don’t you want them to have their own social circle and friends? What is it that you really need them to do for you? Frankly, my kids are teens and I am almost done giving, giving, giving. Breadwinner, social support, moral support, mental load, physical load for 18+ years - when is it time to stop? If a mother hates cooking but does it anyway to ensure their kids have a healthy diet, is she obligated to keep doing this for her grandkids? I don’t think so. The small favors she does for other people aren’t a big deal and maybe those women, who are her community and social support do the same for them and you just aren’t aware?

Most people are IDing behaviors their parent did through to it childhood.

+1

MIL who gushes over strangers has likely never once encouraged or complimented DH - that is just how MIL is, and will always be.

[Anonymous]

My mother and my husband's mother do this because they're painfully lonely. They are overly generous and helpful to random pseudo friends.

Invite them over more. Have your kids call them more. Visit more often.

Because before you know it they're dead.

[Anonymous]

Many of the people your parents are helping are only random to you, not to them. They are mostly their neighbors and friends, who are involved in their daily life. Those relationships are important. Obviously family relationships are also important but it sounds like more occasional stuff than everyday stuff. I'm not surprised when parents make choices that affect their everyday lives and relationships as opposed to random occasional plans with their kids.

[Anonymous]

nah, that's not it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, she thinks she needs to portray a certain public persona, and is worried about what outsiders will think of her, if she says no to them.

This.

It sounds a little bit like covert narcissism. She does the sweet helpful kindly thing for random people in her life, doesn't have the same warmth toward her own children and grandchildren.

The warmth isn't real, it's an image she projects to these random yoga friends and it feeds her narcissism and her perception of herself as a kindly martyr.

Then she cries that she doesn't see her family enough, woe is me - but she doesn't really want to spend all that time with family who probably don't support her narcissistic view of herself. She prefers the martyr role of being the grandma who is neglected by her family over the actual grandma role of investing time and attention into grandkids and kids.

BINGO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents never attended a graduation or a recital for any of our children because they couldn't miss their shift volunteering at the food pantry, so I hear you. They are both narcissists and they really enjoy being admired by people in their community. Not particularly kind in private, say incredibly mean things to me and my kids, but our priest thinks they're awesome! So that means they're going to heaven, don't you know! God's a funny guy. For the all-powerful creator of the universe, he appears to be very easily duped.

11/29 09:32 here. I know what you mean! We didn't go to church when I was growing up but my mom started going after we all left home. Now, my mom is ALL about it. I can't count the times she "couldn't" do something because it conflicted with a church activity. Don't even get me started on the church bazaar!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mil, who is great, was helping me after another baby. My mom couldn’t come, and she’s so helpful. My own mom just isn’t as physically capable anymore.

She agreed to stay with us for a few weeks bc it was a CS. It was our third and last kid. So two other kids to help.

The first 5 days or so she was so helpful. Then she informed us she’d be ending early to help 2 other people! (One was her brother, a fully capable man). The other the daughter of a random person. I’m telling you, it was quite random.

Those people will laud and appreciate her to the death, well, I would have if she had stayed with us.

She offered to come back at the end of the 3 weeks. I don’t remember what we said, but the critical time for her to be there was in the middle of helping others.. it was when DH was going back to work for the first time. And again, still quite raw from CS. Ped appointments, and carrying still an issue for me. Even a gallon of milk or heavy pot was pulling.

I still don’t get it. We clearly were desperate and needed help. I feel we are pleasant people. Why when we needed help did she have to leave and help others?

I could totally see my mom doing what yours did. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents never attended a graduation or a recital for any of our children because they couldn't miss their shift volunteering at the food pantry, so I hear you. They are both narcissists and they really enjoy being admired by people in their community. Not particularly kind in private, say incredibly mean things to me and my kids, but our priest thinks they're awesome! So that means they're going to heaven, don't you know! God's a funny guy. For the all-powerful creator of the universe, he appears to be very easily duped.

11/29 09:32 here. I know what you mean! We didn't go to church when I was growing up but my mom started going after we all left home. Now, my mom is ALL about it. I can't count the times she "couldn't" do something because it conflicted with a church activity. Don't even get me started on the church bazaar!

+1

Trying to redeem their neglectful selves - too little, too late.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she gets some kind of validation and happiness by helping these strangers that she does not get from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many of the people your parents are helping are only random to you, not to them. They are mostly their neighbors and friends, who are involved in their daily life. Those relationships are important. Obviously family relationships are also important but it sounds like more occasional stuff than everyday stuff. I'm not surprised when parents make choices that affect their everyday lives and relationships as opposed to random occasional plans with their kids.

What you, with your limited life experience, fail to realize is that this is a long standing pattern of behavior. When you experience this, starting at a very young age, you learn that you are not a priority to the person you depend upon and need the most. You are less important to the person you should be most important to. You cannot depend upon your primary caregiver. You wonder what's wrong with you. You work to please that person so they will attend to you but, repeatedly, you're shown you just don't matter that much.

It's not just painful. It's very damaging with a life long impact.

[Anonymous]

Same reason my husband does?
He annoyed, insulted, let down, and burned bridges with everyone he’s close to or has to repeat behaviors with. So he looks to kiss @$$ to new people yet stay away at the same time so as to not unmask…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many of the people your parents are helping are only random to you, not to them. They are mostly their neighbors and friends, who are involved in their daily life. Those relationships are important. Obviously family relationships are also important but it sounds like more occasional stuff than everyday stuff. I'm not surprised when parents make choices that affect their everyday lives and relationships as opposed to random occasional plans with their kids.

Well, their kids will be the ones taking care of them and choosing their nursing homes, not their neighbors or yoga classmates. Something to keep in mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's because she's comfortable playing Lady Bountiful in these not-actually-close relationships. But the emotional intimacy of an actual functional family relationship is not a good fit for her so she avoids it.

I have the same mom. This describes the core of it.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for this thread, OP and PPs. I feel vindicated. I thank those for putting into words what I did not know how to. This was my mom. I am 45 and just starting to recover.

[Anonymous]

My mother literally cancelled plans to see her grandkids (who she never sees) in order to help out someone she’s never met and who is actually dead. I think I got this story straight. The husband of a woman she used to work with 10 years ago (but then moved a few states away) has a cousin who died 9 months ago and he lived 2 hours from my mother. He has a car that the husband claims they want to transfer title to so they can sell it. No idea about a will or whatever. So this lady asked my mother if they mailed her some documents, would drive 2 hours to pick up the car and bring back to her town, and go to DMV for them to get the title changed.

My mother said of course, let me cancel again on my grandkids.