Reply to I am an independent person, not just a conduit to my kids

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Stop telling them every time you see your parents. Problem solved.[/quote]

How do the ILs know such details in the first place?[/quote]

Little kids facetime with them and share and / or they'll facetime with DH and ask where everyone is.  In some ways it's worse we don't just flat out tell them b/c I think they're suspicious its happening way more than it actually is. I really do think my inlaws see my kids at least as much as my parents, though we go to my parents more (because they're not interested in doing short trips to us and just come visit one week or so a year).

My parents have taken one of my kids at a time for a visit and I have not allowed my inlaws to do that which also drives them crazy.  But my mom is a former teacher who is great at managing kids behavior, my inlaws let the kids run all over them and are terrified of what to do if the kid cries or says they don't want to do something. They regularly accidentally fall asleep while watching TV with my kids and they have an unsecured pool so there's just no chance my kids can safely visit them on their own until they're older.  If they asked why, I'd tell them, but instead they don't ask and are just mad at me for being "unfair"

I do try to keep these 1:1 visits off their radar but I don't ask my kids to lie about them. [/quote]

I know this is hard, but I would dial back communication with them a lot more than you do.  I'd leave it up to DH to manage.  He can tell them where you are etc, but if you don't hear the comments it will help immensly.

My MIL was like this at the beginning too.  And whenever I tried to give her the "same" thing I'd offer my mom, she would complain.  Basically she didn't want my mom to help us with things like staying with the baby on day 2 after the fever has cleared, but she ALSO DID NOT WANT to help us.  So I just stopped sharing with her, really much of anything.  It was so petty and annoying it changed the way I felt about her.  I let my DH take the lead, and absorb, all her crazy.  He quickly dialed it back too.

I have always been supportive of a loving grandparent in my kid's lives. Which she is.  But she is also completely unwilling to do anything mildly uncomfortable for HER.  Which is fine, but that will effect your relationships.  I stopped contorting myself into knots to help her feel better and just lived my life.

I would not accept Facetime calls while you are with your parents.  Tell her why.  "We are visiting right now and can't talk".  I'd probably stop facetiming her altogether EVER.  She can call your workaholic DH and facetime him at the office.  [/quote]

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