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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think #2 is being a selfish, self-centered, naive, oblivious little baby. Yes he worked hard, great, but there are a LOT of factors in addition. He didn't earn his natural endowment of talent, it's happenstance that he didn't get an injury or illness that sidelined him, it's happenstance that he had a good team to play on and good coaches. It's happenstance that he had a good day in his sport the day the scout was visiting, or whatever-- athletic scholarships can be pretty arbitrary across similarly situated kids. Your son had a lot of good luck and support from others and you need to open his eyes to that. And YES, definitely claw back all of the money you invested in his sport, with the value of money over time.

No way would I give a young adult $350K for any reason at all. And especially someone who's showing such a lack of maturity. If he's fool enough to throw away a sibling relationship over this, the best gift you could give him is a big fat reality check.[/quote]

OP here and it is somewhat complicated.  We spent around 20k per year for DS #1 piano and violin activities such as lessons, competitions and cost of travel.  We spent about 25k per year for DS #2 with his sports activities.  DS #1 also has an 80K Steinway piano and 20K violin.  You can say that DS #1 had it better than DS #2.  As a dad, I am comfortable in giving DS #2 his share of the money 350K, probably more by the time he graduates from investment, because he receives the athletic scholarship for his hard work.  Unfortunately, DW doesn't think the same way and it is causing a rift between mother and son.  DS #1 does not have any issues with DS #2 getting that money.  Our family is very transparent about finances.

Btw, I do understand that getting an academic scholarship, even without room and board, is extremely hard; however, getting an athletic scholarship with free tuition, room/board, and stipend, is even harder, right?  There are not many of them available.[/quote]

There's nothing wrong with the kids here. You and your spouse need to have been on the same page and communicated the same things with your values and wishes. It is your money. We told our children that we would pay for Fancy School, or they could go to state school and we would split the leftover money. When my daughter asked what would happen if they had both chosen the money, but for whatever reason one had a full scholarship and the other didn't, what we would do. We decided we would then split the money. We viewed the funds for college as an investment in our children. If they thought they could do better at a cheaper school and invest the money, then we would let them. I think you have to decide what values you have in your family and communicate those.[/quote]

+1 to all this.  You need to get on the same page and decide. If you are crowd sourcing opinions, I certainly don't agree with your plan. In my family, each kid gets what they need and we pay for what we think is appropriate with our money.  One of our kids got a significant college scholarship, the other's college costs more. No way am I giving the difference to other kid.  And I'm not going back to analyze how much I spent on kid #1's extra curricular activities as an offset.  Maybe one of my kids will want graduate school, maybe not, we'll see what each kid needs and spend accordingly. But since this has been our way all along, neither kid is going to be upset about our choices.

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I'd be embarrassed to have a kid demanding the money is theirs.  We take care of our kids and their needs since they were born, we don't keep an excel of how much we spent on each kid.  
Life is not always fair and if you raise good kids, they wont be concerned about who "gets more money".

For example: we pay fully for all our kid's college.  One cost $40K/year, the other is over $80K.  
The one who went to cheaper college got a car to drive at 16 that was 3 years old, and upon college graduation that is their car (so a 9 yo car when it became theirs).  The one who is spending $80K/year didn't "get their own car to drive" until age 17---because age 16 was covid so they were not going anywhere and their sibling was home from college, so if they needed to go somewhere they could share (it was the height of early covid---they weren't going anywhere) So they got a brand new (same model as the older sibling) at age 17.  Thus, their car upon college graduation will be "newer and nicer" than their siblings.  Do they care?  No---the older is thrilled they have a great vehicle (it may be 9 yo but it has less than 75K miles on it) and dont have a car payment at all as they started out as an adult. 
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