Widowed dad wants to date again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this has been covered, but OP you can try viewing this as the ultimate high compliment to your mom that your dad wants to date again.
For men who felt loved and cherished and enjoyed the companionship of their wives, it is very hard for them to picture continuing on without this feeling for the rest of their lives. It’s because he loved your mom so much and their life together was so fulfilling that he wants to feel close to someone in that way again.
Whoever he dates or ends up with will not take your mom’s place and he knows that. But your mom loved this man before you came into the picture and she would likely want him to find some semblance of happiness and not be lonely for the rest of his life.

All fine, except for the money part. Original Mom needs to make sure her assets go directly to her descendants, not to a new wife and their descendents.

how does that happen?

fwiw, my MiL BFF was in a second marriage for nearly 40 years. Both she and her second husband had lost their first spouses to cancer. when BFF's second husband died, he left nearly everything to his kids. And I am saying nearly everything. She received a small sum of money and a condo that she could live in until she died but couldn't afford to maintain so had to abandon and the kids took over the asset. it was devastating. and this was a traditional set up - she cooked and cleaned for him (and his kids along with hers) for part of those forty years. and she nursed him all through his last years when he was largely incapacitated.

seems as if it would have been better to leave her more money so she basically didn't end up homeless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him dating and cohabitating is fine but don't get married. Check on wills/trusts and if he does get married insist on a pre-nup.

It's not the adult child's prerogative. It's the Dad's decision to make.

My Dh's dad got engaged just a few months after Dh's mom died. Dh's sister tried to insist that FIL get a prenup but FIL refused. Nothing his adult kids could do about it.

Sort of disagree. A lot of the time it was half their former wife’s money. And the dead wife wanted money to go to kids once he passed. Instead new younger wife usually gets it all and wills it to only her children once she dies.

Sort of disagree? It's not about opinion, it's a fact. OP has no legal right to "insist" on any legal matters for her Dad, since he is still of sound mind and she does not have any type of guardianship over him.

My MIL actually told FIL on her deathbed that she didn't want him to remarry because she "didn't want someone else to enjoy the money she had worked so hard for." Yet, he was engaged less than 4 months later.

This is why my assets are going into a trust for our kids if I predecease DH. I want him to be happy and remarry, if that's what he wants, but I also don't want money to be diverted away from our children.

how did you structure this? what did your dh say?

while i can see my dh remarrying, i can't ever imagine that he would abandon our kids. it's just not how he rolls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two weeks after my 51yo mil died of a sudden heart attack, my fil moved a neighbor into their bedroom. A few weeks later, he asked my son to be his best man. That was the last time my exdh ever spoke to his father. At the time mil died, fil had been having a long-term affair with this woman — so long that my sisters-in-law suspected her daughter was his. That was 30 years ago and they’re still married. When I hear someone says they found someone new days or weeks after the death of a spouse, that’s what I suspect, rightly or wrongly.

wow

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two weeks after my 51yo mil died of a sudden heart attack, my fil moved a neighbor into their bedroom. A few weeks later, he asked my son to be his best man. That was the last time my exdh ever spoke to his father. At the time mil died, fil had been having a long-term affair with this woman — so long that my sisters-in-law suspected her daughter was his. That was 30 years ago and they’re still married. When I hear someone says they found someone new days or weeks after the death of a spouse, that’s what I suspect, rightly or wrongly.

If it was me I will investigate the “sudden heart attack”.

Right??? I'd be pinging the "Dateline" producers pronto and shopping a script to "Law & Order."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws were on their second marriage and created a trust like the one PP mentioned. It's been a godsend and I totally appreciate them for taking the time and spending the money to create an estate plan. Assets were split at the first death, 50/50.

My Dad was a different story. He left everything to the new wife: house, car, etc. And she will subsequently leave all her assets to her own children - nothing for me & my sister.

The stepmother archetype is real.

That's just terrible. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did something like that.

[Anonymous]

Companionship makes a significant difference in the emotional and physical health of the elderly.

I would try to focus on the positive impact this could have on your father as he ages.

His need for companionship now and in the future does not reflect on the love he felt for your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this has been covered, but OP you can try viewing this as the ultimate high compliment to your mom that your dad wants to date again.
For men who felt loved and cherished and enjoyed the companionship of their wives, it is very hard for them to picture continuing on without this feeling for the rest of their lives. It’s because he loved your mom so much and their life together was so fulfilling that he wants to feel close to someone in that way again.
Whoever he dates or ends up with will not take your mom’s place and he knows that. But your mom loved this man before you came into the picture and she would likely want him to find some semblance of happiness and not be lonely for the rest of his life.

All fine, except for the money part. Original Mom needs to make sure her assets go directly to her descendants, not to a new wife and their descendents.

how does that happen?

fwiw, my MiL BFF was in a second marriage for nearly 40 years. Both she and her second husband had lost their first spouses to cancer. when BFF's second husband died, he left nearly everything to his kids. And I am saying nearly everything. She received a small sum of money and a condo that she could live in until she died but couldn't afford to maintain so had to abandon and the kids took over the asset. it was devastating. and this was a traditional set up - she cooked and cleaned for him (and his kids along with hers) for part of those forty years. and she nursed him all through his last years when he was largely incapacitated.

seems as if it would have been better to leave her more money so she basically didn't end up homeless.

Because stepMOTHERS are the most hated humans on the planet. Facts don't matter. Longevity doesn't matter. All that matters is another woman has dared to get involved with a man who previously had children with another woman.

There should be a big, red tattoo written on the foreheads of all divorced men with children: WARNING TO WOMEN: I AM A FATHER. MY KIDS WILL NEVER ACCEPT YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this has been covered, but OP you can try viewing this as the ultimate high compliment to your mom that your dad wants to date again.
For men who felt loved and cherished and enjoyed the companionship of their wives, it is very hard for them to picture continuing on without this feeling for the rest of their lives. It’s because he loved your mom so much and their life together was so fulfilling that he wants to feel close to someone in that way again.
Whoever he dates or ends up with will not take your mom’s place and he knows that. But your mom loved this man before you came into the picture and she would likely want him to find some semblance of happiness and not be lonely for the rest of his life.

All fine, except for the money part. Original Mom needs to make sure her assets go directly to her descendants, not to a new wife and their descendents.

how does that happen?

fwiw, my MiL BFF was in a second marriage for nearly 40 years. Both she and her second husband had lost their first spouses to cancer. when BFF's second husband died, he left nearly everything to his kids. And I am saying nearly everything. She received a small sum of money and a condo that she could live in until she died but couldn't afford to maintain so had to abandon and the kids took over the asset. it was devastating. and this was a traditional set up - she cooked and cleaned for him (and his kids along with hers) for part of those forty years. and she nursed him all through his last years when he was largely incapacitated.

seems as if it would have been better to leave her more money so she basically didn't end up homeless.

Because stepMOTHERS are the most hated humans on the planet. Facts don't matter. Longevity doesn't matter. All that matters is another woman has dared to get involved with a man who previously had children with another woman.

There should be a big, red tattoo written on the foreheads of all divorced men with children: WARNING TO WOMEN: I AM A FATHER. MY KIDS WILL NEVER ACCEPT YOU.

yeah, i guess that, though they both lost their spouses and that's how they remarried.

i find it sad b/c one of his children was gay and the stepmom was far more accepting for a much longer time of the child and their partner then the parent was.

and how did the husband live with himself? he had to know he wasn't leaving her enough money to live on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this has been covered, but OP you can try viewing this as the ultimate high compliment to your mom that your dad wants to date again.
For men who felt loved and cherished and enjoyed the companionship of their wives, it is very hard for them to picture continuing on without this feeling for the rest of their lives. It’s because he loved your mom so much and their life together was so fulfilling that he wants to feel close to someone in that way again.
Whoever he dates or ends up with will not take your mom’s place and he knows that. But your mom loved this man before you came into the picture and she would likely want him to find some semblance of happiness and not be lonely for the rest of his life.

All fine, except for the money part. Original Mom needs to make sure her assets go directly to her descendants, not to a new wife and their descendents.

how does that happen?

fwiw, my MiL BFF was in a second marriage for nearly 40 years. Both she and her second husband had lost their first spouses to cancer. when BFF's second husband died, he left nearly everything to his kids. And I am saying nearly everything. She received a small sum of money and a condo that she could live in until she died but couldn't afford to maintain so had to abandon and the kids took over the asset. it was devastating. and this was a traditional set up - she cooked and cleaned for him (and his kids along with hers) for part of those forty years. and she nursed him all through his last years when he was largely incapacitated.

seems as if it would have been better to leave her more money so she basically didn't end up homeless.

Because stepMOTHERS are the most hated humans on the planet. Facts don't matter. Longevity doesn't matter. All that matters is another woman has dared to get involved with a man who previously had children with another woman.

There should be a big, red tattoo written on the foreheads of all divorced men with children: WARNING TO WOMEN: I AM A FATHER. MY KIDS WILL NEVER ACCEPT YOU.

yeah, i guess that, though they both lost their spouses and that's how they remarried.

i find it sad b/c one of his children was gay and the stepmom was far more accepting for a much longer time of the child and their partner then the parent was.

and how did the husband live with himself? he had to know he wasn't leaving her enough money to live on.

Because he was probably coached by others that leaving everything to his adult children was the only honorable thing to do. Stepmothers need to fend for themselves even after decades of a loving, caring relationship. None of that trumps the wants and desires of biological children, including those who are adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him dating and cohabitating is fine but don't get married. Check on wills/trusts and if he does get married insist on a pre-nup.

It's not the adult child's prerogative. It's the Dad's decision to make.

My Dh's dad got engaged just a few months after Dh's mom died. Dh's sister tried to insist that FIL get a prenup but FIL refused. Nothing his adult kids could do about it.

Sort of disagree. A lot of the time it was half their former wife’s money. And the dead wife wanted money to go to kids once he passed. Instead new younger wife usually gets it all and wills it to only her children once she dies.

Sort of disagree? It's not about opinion, it's a fact. OP has no legal right to "insist" on any legal matters for her Dad, since he is still of sound mind and she does not have any type of guardianship over him.

My MIL actually told FIL on her deathbed that she didn't want him to remarry because she "didn't want someone else to enjoy the money she had worked so hard for." Yet, he was engaged less than 4 months later.

This is why my assets are going into a trust for our kids if I predecease DH. I want him to be happy and remarry, if that's what he wants, but I also don't want money to be diverted away from our children.

how did you structure this? what did your dh say?

while i can see my dh remarrying, i can't ever imagine that he would abandon our kids. it's just not how he rolls.

Revocable living trust. He’s fine with it. He could do the same but chose not to. I don’t think he would abandon our kids, but theoretically he could have more children with a new partner or marry someone with children of her own, and I’m sure he would want to treat them generously.That’s fine—as long as my assets pass to our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this has been covered, but OP you can try viewing this as the ultimate high compliment to your mom that your dad wants to date again.
For men who felt loved and cherished and enjoyed the companionship of their wives, it is very hard for them to picture continuing on without this feeling for the rest of their lives. It’s because he loved your mom so much and their life together was so fulfilling that he wants to feel close to someone in that way again.
Whoever he dates or ends up with will not take your mom’s place and he knows that. But your mom loved this man before you came into the picture and she would likely want him to find some semblance of happiness and not be lonely for the rest of his life.

All fine, except for the money part. Original Mom needs to make sure her assets go directly to her descendants, not to a new wife and their descendents.

how does that happen?

fwiw, my MiL BFF was in a second marriage for nearly 40 years. Both she and her second husband had lost their first spouses to cancer. when BFF's second husband died, he left nearly everything to his kids. And I am saying nearly everything. She received a small sum of money and a condo that she could live in until she died but couldn't afford to maintain so had to abandon and the kids took over the asset. it was devastating. and this was a traditional set up - she cooked and cleaned for him (and his kids along with hers) for part of those forty years. and she nursed him all through his last years when he was largely incapacitated.

seems as if it would have been better to leave her more money so she basically didn't end up homeless.

Because stepMOTHERS are the most hated humans on the planet. Facts don't matter. Longevity doesn't matter. All that matters is another woman has dared to get involved with a man who previously had children with another woman.

There should be a big, red tattoo written on the foreheads of all divorced men with children: WARNING TO WOMEN: I AM A FATHER. MY KIDS WILL NEVER ACCEPT YOU.

yeah, i guess that, though they both lost their spouses and that's how they remarried.

i find it sad b/c one of his children was gay and the stepmom was far more accepting for a much longer time of the child and their partner then the parent was.

and how did the husband live with himself? he had to know he wasn't leaving her enough money to live on.

Because he was probably coached by others that leaving everything to his adult children was the only honorable thing to do. Stepmothers need to fend for themselves even after decades of a loving, caring relationship. None of that trumps the wants and desires of biological children, including those who are adults.

TBH, IDK if she knew the details or not. Or perhaps she thought she could manage on what he was leaving her and didn't say anything. Or did and the amount didn't change. My understanding is that his kids' attitudes were that her kids should take care of her. I get that, but she also did take care of their dad (and them) for all the years they were married as well as through his illness. She only worked outside the home before her first marriage and then for a few years before she remarried. IDK if she even booked the minimum number of years for SS.

All that said, she is now residing in an independent living center and has lots of dates. She is in her 80s, bubbly, and still beautiful. She is a probably a boost to anyone's spirits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him dating and cohabitating is fine but don't get married. Check on wills/trusts and if he does get married insist on a pre-nup.

It's not the adult child's prerogative. It's the Dad's decision to make.

My Dh's dad got engaged just a few months after Dh's mom died. Dh's sister tried to insist that FIL get a prenup but FIL refused. Nothing his adult kids could do about it.

Sort of disagree. A lot of the time it was half their former wife’s money. And the dead wife wanted money to go to kids once he passed. Instead new younger wife usually gets it all and wills it to only her children once she dies.

Sort of disagree? It's not about opinion, it's a fact. OP has no legal right to "insist" on any legal matters for her Dad, since he is still of sound mind and she does not have any type of guardianship over him.

My MIL actually told FIL on her deathbed that she didn't want him to remarry because she "didn't want someone else to enjoy the money she had worked so hard for." Yet, he was engaged less than 4 months later.

This is why my assets are going into a trust for our kids if I predecease DH. I want him to be happy and remarry, if that's what he wants, but I also don't want money to be diverted away from our children.

how did you structure this? what did your dh say?

while i can see my dh remarrying, i can't ever imagine that he would abandon our kids. it's just not how he rolls.

Revocable living trust. He’s fine with it. He could do the same but chose not to. I don’t think he would abandon our kids, but theoretically he could have more children with a new partner or marry someone with children of her own, and I’m sure he would want to treat them generously.That’s fine—as long as my assets pass to our kids.

Got it. That's very smart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him dating and cohabitating is fine but don't get married. Check on wills/trusts and if he does get married insist on a pre-nup.

It's not the adult child's prerogative. It's the Dad's decision to make.

My Dh's dad got engaged just a few months after Dh's mom died. Dh's sister tried to insist that FIL get a prenup but FIL refused. Nothing his adult kids could do about it.

My FIL also married a new woman less than a year after MIL died. It was really insane how quickly he moved on. Realistically, this also means his kids have no inheritance anymore because he married without a prenup and she’s likely to outlive him.

At the time she was bankrupt from her divorce and FIL was about to retire comfortably. In the years since, she’s done a lot to show us that if he dies first, his money is going to her and her kids. The thing that gets me is that MIL was so frugal saving throughout her life. Now, her life savings is all going to this random bankrupt woman.

Moral of the story: Create a family trust BEFORE you think you need one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 days after my mom's funeral (she was only 50), my dad told me he met someone new and didn't care if he ever saw me or my brother again. Good times.

In the good news department, if your dad plays his cards right, he will get a nurse and/or a purse. In the bad news department, many men basically abandon the original family and just hang with the new wife's grandkids, etc.

first, I am so sorry - that must've been devastating. did you have any inkling that would happen? and how old were you when he said this?

second, this happened to a friend. dad divorces wife and marries the nurse in his medical practice. decades later and there are still no photos of the dad's adult children with their now adult children in the house. friend sends him a framed one every year and they are never put up.

I was 21. It was actually the same week as my birthday.
No inkling. My dad was a jerk (to put it mildly), but he preached incessantly growing up that only family matters, we had to put the family first, don't have friends because you don't need friends, you only needed your family. That, obviously, was not actually his thought process when the time came for him to make new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 days after my mom's funeral (she was only 50), my dad told me he met someone new and didn't care if he ever saw me or my brother again. Good times.

In the good news department, if your dad plays his cards right, he will get a nurse and/or a purse. In the bad news department, many men basically abandon the original family and just hang with the new wife's grandkids, etc.

first, I am so sorry - that must've been devastating. did you have any inkling that would happen? and how old were you when he said this?

second, this happened to a friend. dad divorces wife and marries the nurse in his medical practice. decades later and there are still no photos of the dad's adult children with their now adult children in the house. friend sends him a framed one every year and they are never put up.

I was 21. It was actually the same week as my birthday.
No inkling. My dad was a jerk (to put it mildly), but he preached incessantly growing up that only family matters, we had to put the family first, don't have friends because you don't need friends, you only needed your family. That, obviously, was not actually his thought process when the time came for him to make new friends.

PP, I can't imagine how cruel and hurtful that must've been, especially at such a young age. I hope you have been able to find some peace.