Widowed dad wants to date again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him dating and cohabitating is fine but don't get married. Check on wills/trusts and if he does get married insist on a pre-nup.

It's not the adult child's prerogative. It's the Dad's decision to make.

My Dh's dad got engaged just a few months after Dh's mom died. Dh's sister tried to insist that FIL get a prenup but FIL refused. Nothing his adult kids could do about it.

Sort of disagree. A lot of the time it was half their former wife’s money. And the dead wife wanted money to go to kids once he passed. Instead new younger wife usually gets it all and wills it to only her children once she dies.

Sort of disagree? It's not about opinion, it's a fact. OP has no legal right to "insist" on any legal matters for her Dad, since he is still of sound mind and she does not have any type of guardianship over him.

My MIL actually told FIL on her deathbed that she didn't want him to remarry because she "didn't want someone else to enjoy the money she had worked so hard for." Yet, he was engaged less than 4 months later.

This is why my assets are going into a trust for our kids if I predecease DH. I want him to be happy and remarry, if that's what he wants, but I also don't want money to be diverted away from our children.

Tell me more about this. Is there a name for this kind of trust and how did DH react when you said you wanted to do this?

[Anonymous]

Not sure if this has been covered, but OP you can try viewing this as the ultimate high compliment to your mom that your dad wants to date again.
For men who felt loved and cherished and enjoyed the companionship of their wives, it is very hard for them to picture continuing on without this feeling for the rest of their lives. It’s because he loved your mom so much and their life together was so fulfilling that he wants to feel close to someone in that way again.
Whoever he dates or ends up with will not take your mom’s place and he knows that. But your mom loved this man before you came into the picture and she would likely want him to find some semblance of happiness and not be lonely for the rest of his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 days after my mom's funeral (she was only 50), my dad told me he met someone new and didn't care if he ever saw me or my brother again. Good times.

In the good news department, if your dad plays his cards right, he will get a nurse and/or a purse. In the bad news department, many men basically abandon the original family and just hang with the new wife's grandkids, etc.

Did the “didn't care if he ever saw” you comment come before or after you presumably judged him for his decision?

I'm not the PP you quoted, but I'm the poster whose FIL did something very similar.
Really? You don't think starting to date within days of your spouse's funeral is judgment worthy?

If it was a long drawn out death, like my mom's, we had all grieved her impending death already. So no, it is not ok to judge someone for wanting to live their life.
It is ok to allow a fully formed, intelligent human to move forward.

It's not about "allowing"--PP's dad and my FIL were "allowed" to do what they want. It doesn't mean their adult children, and anyone else, won't think a lot less of them for it.

True it was probably insensitive.
But maybe dad was done putting everyone else first and after caretaking his sweetheart for so long, and living in sadness and worry and pain as he watched her demise, he is ready to turn a page in his life and find some joy in the time that he has left.
Everyone seems to think only of themselves when they are judging dad’s actions. “It was insensitive to me as their child!” Sure, if you’re framing it like that. But in dad’s mind this has nothing at all to do with you any of you. Show grace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this has been covered, but OP you can try viewing this as the ultimate high compliment to your mom that your dad wants to date again.
For men who felt loved and cherished and enjoyed the companionship of their wives, it is very hard for them to picture continuing on without this feeling for the rest of their lives. It’s because he loved your mom so much and their life together was so fulfilling that he wants to feel close to someone in that way again.
Whoever he dates or ends up with will not take your mom’s place and he knows that. But your mom loved this man before you came into the picture and she would likely want him to find some semblance of happiness and not be lonely for the rest of his life.

Oh, lord, no, honey. Men don't cherish women like this. They cherish the labor women provide, that's all. It's not even close to a compliment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this has been covered, but OP you can try viewing this as the ultimate high compliment to your mom that your dad wants to date again.
For men who felt loved and cherished and enjoyed the companionship of their wives, it is very hard for them to picture continuing on without this feeling for the rest of their lives. It’s because he loved your mom so much and their life together was so fulfilling that he wants to feel close to someone in that way again.
Whoever he dates or ends up with will not take your mom’s place and he knows that. But your mom loved this man before you came into the picture and she would likely want him to find some semblance of happiness and not be lonely for the rest of his life.

Oh, lord, no, honey. Men don't cherish women like this. They cherish the labor women provide, that's all. It's not even close to a compliment.

Oh, lord for both of you.

[Anonymous]

My dad was widowed in his mid 50s. He dated a few times and had a "friend" he did social events with, but he never married again.
I wish he had. My kids missed out on having a grandmother; he missed out on having a daily companion. He coped fairly well, but always seemed a bit lonely. Depending on the woman, I think I would have liked to have had an older woman to turn to for occasional advice.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws were on their second marriage and created a trust like the one PP mentioned. It's been a godsend and I totally appreciate them for taking the time and spending the money to create an estate plan. Assets were split at the first death, 50/50.

My Dad was a different story. He left everything to the new wife: house, car, etc. And she will subsequently leave all her assets to her own children - nothing for me & my sister.

The stepmother archetype is real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad was widowed in his mid 50s. He dated a few times and had a "friend" he did social events with, but he never married again.
I wish he had. My kids missed out on having a grandmother; he missed out on having a daily companion. He coped fairly well, but always seemed a bit lonely. Depending on the woman, I think I would have liked to have had an older woman to turn to for occasional advice.

I am a pp in this thread whose FIL remarried very quickly after MIL died. My kids (and their cousins) did not gain a grandmother, they lost a grandfather. The new wife's grandchildren gained a grandfather. FIL and SMIL are "too busy" to come to major life events (graduations, confirmations, etc.) for FIL's grandchildren but go to every Saturday morning soccer game for SMIL's grandchildren. I'm facebook friends with some of SMIL's adult children and see frequent posts about the awesome gifts SMIL buys their kids, baking cookies, and frequent visits with "Grandma and Grandpa Joe, " etc. FIL completely ignores his own grandkids.
So if your dad still stayed involved as a grandpa to your kids, be grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this has been covered, but OP you can try viewing this as the ultimate high compliment to your mom that your dad wants to date again.
For men who felt loved and cherished and enjoyed the companionship of their wives, it is very hard for them to picture continuing on without this feeling for the rest of their lives. It’s because he loved your mom so much and their life together was so fulfilling that he wants to feel close to someone in that way again.
Whoever he dates or ends up with will not take your mom’s place and he knows that. But your mom loved this man before you came into the picture and she would likely want him to find some semblance of happiness and not be lonely for the rest of his life.

All fine, except for the money part. Original Mom needs to make sure her assets go directly to her descendants, not to a new wife and their descendents.

[Anonymous]

Be grateful he wants to be happy and have companionship. Deal with your feelings. You may not like his person, but you will probably like what it does for him. Take a deep breath and accept it. Help him if he's planning to use an online service -- take the picture, set up the profile and talk about safety like you would will a 20 something!

[Anonymous]

As a relatively young widow (mid-40s), I will say that what you go through losing a spouse is very different from what children go through losing a parent. There was often more to the relationship between the spouses than the children are aware of that can drive the decision of when to start dating again.

If your father is ready to date, support that decision. It isn't a reflection on his love for you or your late mother. He has a right to find happiness and live the rest of his life.

-- signed a widow who started dating 7 months after my husband died

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this has been covered, but OP you can try viewing this as the ultimate high compliment to your mom that your dad wants to date again.
For men who felt loved and cherished and enjoyed the companionship of their wives, it is very hard for them to picture continuing on without this feeling for the rest of their lives. It’s because he loved your mom so much and their life together was so fulfilling that he wants to feel close to someone in that way again.
Whoever he dates or ends up with will not take your mom’s place and he knows that. But your mom loved this man before you came into the picture and she would likely want him to find some semblance of happiness and not be lonely for the rest of his life.

I think the reality is that when older men remarry, it's because they have no experience being on their own. There may also be rosy romantic feelings about the relationship he had with his deceased wife, but it's a lot about not being alone because they never have been. My parents divorced, so I have really different parent problems. But my grandfather remarried a year after my grandmother died, and it was really hard for my mom. There were things that made it easier, like the new wife was not a totally horrible person, was age appropriate, didn't try to have a fake relationship with any of us. But there were also things that made it harder, like when they decided to sell their former marital homes and buy a condo - totally appropriate decision for them, but hard for my mom to see her childhood home being sold so her dad.

FWIW, that marriage lasted for about 18 months before they separated. It turns out that new wife hadn't been anywhere near as accommodating of my grandfather's weird hobbies (HAM radio and math, recreationally) and he didn't like being married to her. So they separated, and he bought his own condo and learned how to live independently. He's in his early 90s now, still living on his own. We live in the same city and see him once a month, sometimes more. He's active in the community in various ways and has a pretty full life. I think that what his remarriage taught him was that he didn't really want to be with anyone else, so he just built the life he wanted on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this has been covered, but OP you can try viewing this as the ultimate high compliment to your mom that your dad wants to date again.
For men who felt loved and cherished and enjoyed the companionship of their wives, it is very hard for them to picture continuing on without this feeling for the rest of their lives. It’s because he loved your mom so much and their life together was so fulfilling that he wants to feel close to someone in that way again.
Whoever he dates or ends up with will not take your mom’s place and he knows that. But your mom loved this man before you came into the picture and she would likely want him to find some semblance of happiness and not be lonely for the rest of his life.

I think the reality is that when older men remarry, it's because they have no experience being on their own. There may also be rosy romantic feelings about the relationship he had with his deceased wife, but it's a lot about not being alone because they never have been. My parents divorced, so I have really different parent problems. But my grandfather remarried a year after my grandmother died, and it was really hard for my mom. There were things that made it easier, like the new wife was not a totally horrible person, was age appropriate, didn't try to have a fake relationship with any of us. But there were also things that made it harder, like when they decided to sell their former marital homes and buy a condo - totally appropriate decision for them, but hard for my mom to see her childhood home being sold so her dad.

FWIW, that marriage lasted for about 18 months before they separated. It turns out that new wife hadn't been anywhere near as accommodating of my grandfather's weird hobbies (HAM radio and math, recreationally) and he didn't like being married to her. So they separated, and he bought his own condo and learned how to live independently. He's in his early 90s now, still living on his own. We live in the same city and see him once a month, sometimes more. He's active in the community in various ways and has a pretty full life. I think that what his remarriage taught him was that he didn't really want to be with anyone else, so he just built the life he wanted on his own.

I am sorry but HAM radio and math? That's adorable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him dating and cohabitating is fine but don't get married. Check on wills/trusts and if he does get married insist on a pre-nup.

It's not the adult child's prerogative. It's the Dad's decision to make.

My Dh's dad got engaged just a few months after Dh's mom died. Dh's sister tried to insist that FIL get a prenup but FIL refused. Nothing his adult kids could do about it.

how is it turning out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 days after my mom's funeral (she was only 50), my dad told me he met someone new and didn't care if he ever saw me or my brother again. Good times.

In the good news department, if your dad plays his cards right, he will get a nurse and/or a purse. In the bad news department, many men basically abandon the original family and just hang with the new wife's grandkids, etc.

first, I am so sorry - that must've been devastating. did you have any inkling that would happen? and how old were you when he said this?

second, this happened to a friend. dad divorces wife and marries the nurse in his medical practice. decades later and there are still no photos of the dad's adult children with their now adult children in the house. friend sends him a framed one every year and they are never put up.