Widowed dad wants to date again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 days after my mom's funeral (she was only 50), my dad told me he met someone new and didn't care if he ever saw me or my brother again. Good times.

In the good news department, if your dad plays his cards right, he will get a nurse and/or a purse. In the bad news department, many men basically abandon the original family and just hang with the new wife's grandkids, etc.

Did the “didn't care if he ever saw” you comment come before or after you presumably judged him for his decision?

I'm not the PP you quoted, but I'm the poster whose FIL did something very similar.
Really? You don't think starting to date within days of your spouse's funeral is judgment worthy?

If it was a long drawn out death, like my mom's, we had all grieved her impending death already. So no, it is not ok to judge someone for wanting to live their life.
It is ok to allow a fully formed, intelligent human to move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 days after my mom's funeral (she was only 50), my dad told me he met someone new and didn't care if he ever saw me or my brother again. Good times.

In the good news department, if your dad plays his cards right, he will get a nurse and/or a purse. In the bad news department, many men basically abandon the original family and just hang with the new wife's grandkids, etc.

Did the “didn't care if he ever saw” you comment come before or after you presumably judged him for his decision?

I'm not the PP you quoted, but I'm the poster whose FIL did something very similar.
Really? You don't think starting to date within days of your spouse's funeral is judgment worthy?

If it was a long drawn out death, like my mom's, we had all grieved her impending death already. So no, it is not ok to judge someone for wanting to live their life.
It is ok to allow a fully formed, intelligent human to move forward.

It's not about "allowing"--PP's dad and my FIL were "allowed" to do what they want. It doesn't mean their adult children, and anyone else, won't think a lot less of them for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 days after my mom's funeral (she was only 50), my dad told me he met someone new and didn't care if he ever saw me or my brother again. Good times.

In the good news department, if your dad plays his cards right, he will get a nurse and/or a purse. In the bad news department, many men basically abandon the original family and just hang with the new wife's grandkids, etc.

Did the “didn't care if he ever saw” you comment come before or after you presumably judged him for his decision?

I'm the PP, and lol, no. He was an abusive narcissist and it was all one sentence "I've met someone and I don't care if I ever see you again."

Nice try on doubting people though.

I felt bad for the lady though. He strung her along for about 12 years. Would never let her move in, but she cleaned, cooked for him, etc. Terrible self esteem which he used to his advantage, much like he did with my mother. He's dead now and never did anything for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 days after my mom's funeral (she was only 50), my dad told me he met someone new and didn't care if he ever saw me or my brother again. Good times.

In the good news department, if your dad plays his cards right, he will get a nurse and/or a purse. In the bad news department, many men basically abandon the original family and just hang with the new wife's grandkids, etc.

Did the “didn't care if he ever saw” you comment come before or after you presumably judged him for his decision?

I'm not the PP you quoted, but I'm the poster whose FIL did something very similar.
Really? You don't think starting to date within days of your spouse's funeral is judgment worthy?

If it was a long drawn out death, like my mom's, we had all grieved her impending death already. So no, it is not ok to judge someone for wanting to live their life.
It is ok to allow a fully formed, intelligent human to move forward.

It's not about "allowing"--PP's dad and my FIL were "allowed" to do what they want. It doesn't mean their adult children, and anyone else, won't think a lot less of them for it.

NP and kinda surprised someone would announce it that quickly if doing. Partly because you've gotta figure people are gonna judge you so maybe keep it on the down low. Also, it's likely no one would notice and probably the first few people you date won't be a good long-term match so it's not like they will be around for a long time anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 days after my mom's funeral (she was only 50), my dad told me he met someone new and didn't care if he ever saw me or my brother again. Good times.

In the good news department, if your dad plays his cards right, he will get a nurse and/or a purse. In the bad news department, many men basically abandon the original family and just hang with the new wife's grandkids, etc.

Did the “didn't care if he ever saw” you comment come before or after you presumably judged him for his decision?

I'm not the PP you quoted, but I'm the poster whose FIL did something very similar.
Really? You don't think starting to date within days of your spouse's funeral is judgment worthy?

If it was a long drawn out death, like my mom's, we had all grieved her impending death already. So no, it is not ok to judge someone for wanting to live their life.
It is ok to allow a fully formed, intelligent human to move forward.

It's not about "allowing"--PP's dad and my FIL were "allowed" to do what they want. It doesn't mean their adult children, and anyone else, won't think a lot less of them for it.

NP and kinda surprised someone would announce it that quickly if doing. Partly because you've gotta figure people are gonna judge you so maybe keep it on the down low. Also, it's likely no one would notice and probably the first few people you date won't be a good long-term match so it's not like they will be around for a long time anyways.

Pp you quoted here.
Yes, it's definitely a surprise, which is why my sister in law reacted very strongly and negatively to the news.

[Anonymous]

Two weeks after my 51yo mil died of a sudden heart attack, my fil moved a neighbor into their bedroom. A few weeks later, he asked my son to be his best man. That was the last time my exdh ever spoke to his father. At the time mil died, fil had been having a long-term affair with this woman — so long that my sisters-in-law suspected her daughter was his. That was 30 years ago and they’re still married. When I hear someone says they found someone new days or weeks after the death of a spouse, that’s what I suspect, rightly or wrongly.

[Anonymous]

Sorry - not my son, he asked his son (my then-husband) to be his best man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him dating and cohabitating is fine but don't get married. Check on wills/trusts and if he does get married insist on a pre-nup.

It's not the adult child's prerogative. It's the Dad's decision to make.

My Dh's dad got engaged just a few months after Dh's mom died. Dh's sister tried to insist that FIL get a prenup but FIL refused. Nothing his adult kids could do about it.

Sort of disagree. A lot of the time it was half their former wife’s money. And the dead wife wanted money to go to kids once he passed. Instead new younger wife usually gets it all and wills it to only her children once she dies.

Sort of disagree? It's not about opinion, it's a fact. OP has no legal right to "insist" on any legal matters for her Dad, since he is still of sound mind and she does not have any type of guardianship over him.

My MIL actually told FIL on her deathbed that she didn't want him to remarry because she "didn't want someone else to enjoy the money she had worked so hard for." Yet, he was engaged less than 4 months later.

This is why my assets are going into a trust for our kids if I predecease DH. I want him to be happy and remarry, if that's what he wants, but I also don't want money to be diverted away from our children.

We’ve done the same thing. If either of us dies, half the marital estate goes immediately into an irrevocable trust that benefits the kids. Now, we are both the trustees, but my kids are old enough now to know they are beneficiaries and so if for some reason one of us loses our marbles and gets taken advantage by a gold digger in old age, the kids have legal ground to challenge.

Not sure how this works if your estate isn’t more than twice the size needed by the surviving spouse (and of course they may well need more if they remarry someone without their own wealth/income). Does the trust have a fixed monthly payout to the surviving spouse? That can create a tension if it’s too big or too small.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him dating and cohabitating is fine but don't get married. Check on wills/trusts and if he does get married insist on a pre-nup.

It's not the adult child's prerogative. It's the Dad's decision to make.

My Dh's dad got engaged just a few months after Dh's mom died. Dh's sister tried to insist that FIL get a prenup but FIL refused. Nothing his adult kids could do about it.

Sort of disagree. A lot of the time it was half their former wife’s money. And the dead wife wanted money to go to kids once he passed. Instead new younger wife usually gets it all and wills it to only her children once she dies.

Sort of disagree? It's not about opinion, it's a fact. OP has no legal right to "insist" on any legal matters for her Dad, since he is still of sound mind and she does not have any type of guardianship over him.

My MIL actually told FIL on her deathbed that she didn't want him to remarry because she "didn't want someone else to enjoy the money she had worked so hard for." Yet, he was engaged less than 4 months later.

This is why my assets are going into a trust for our kids if I predecease DH. I want him to be happy and remarry, if that's what he wants, but I also don't want money to be diverted away from our children.

We’ve done the same thing. If either of us dies, half the marital estate goes immediately into an irrevocable trust that benefits the kids. Now, we are both the trustees, but my kids are old enough now to know they are beneficiaries and so if for some reason one of us loses our marbles and gets taken advantage by a gold digger in old age, the kids have legal ground to challenge.

Not sure how this works if your estate isn’t more than twice the size needed by the surviving spouse (and of course they may well need more if they remarry someone without their own wealth/income). Does the trust have a fixed monthly payout to the surviving spouse? That can create a tension if it’s too big or too small.

NP and I agree that's the tough part. If one spouse dies expenses don't get cut in half (housing, utilities). I guess you could prevent the remainder from being left to someone else but it's probably difficult to prevent it from being spent down while alive and I'm not even sure if you would want to because who knows what expenses can come up for end of life care.

[Anonymous]

This information is surprisingly hard to find online:

When someone dies, what rights do they have to will assets to children?

The marriage has marital assets, so what does a will look like and how does it work, when the first death in the marriage occurs?

For example, if we have a house worth $X, and various accounts in my name and my spouse's name?

Does the name on the account or deed affect who can will it? Can I will my shared interest in our house to our children, as some sort of lein?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 days after my mom's funeral (she was only 50), my dad told me he met someone new and didn't care if he ever saw me or my brother again. Good times.

In the good news department, if your dad plays his cards right, he will get a nurse and/or a purse. In the bad news department, many men basically abandon the original family and just hang with the new wife's grandkids, etc.

Did the “didn't care if he ever saw” you comment come before or after you presumably judged him for his decision?

I'm not the PP you quoted, but I'm the poster whose FIL did something very similar.
Really? You don't think starting to date within days of your spouse's funeral is judgment worthy?

If it was a long drawn out death, like my mom's, we had all grieved her impending death already. So no, it is not ok to judge someone for wanting to live their life.
It is ok to allow a fully formed, intelligent human to move forward.

It's not about "allowing"--PP's dad and my FIL were "allowed" to do what they want. It doesn't mean their adult children, and anyone else, won't think a lot less of them for it.

NP and kinda surprised someone would announce it that quickly if doing. Partly because you've gotta figure people are gonna judge you so maybe keep it on the down low. Also, it's likely no one would notice and probably the first few people you date won't be a good long-term match so it's not like they will be around for a long time anyways.

The best part of getting older is not caring as much what other people think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two weeks after my 51yo mil died of a sudden heart attack, my fil moved a neighbor into their bedroom. A few weeks later, he asked my son to be his best man. That was the last time my exdh ever spoke to his father. At the time mil died, fil had been having a long-term affair with this woman — so long that my sisters-in-law suspected her daughter was his. That was 30 years ago and they’re still married. When I hear someone says they found someone new days or weeks after the death of a spouse, that’s what I suspect, rightly or wrongly.

Same. I know someone who acquired a significant other just weeks after their spouses death. Moved right in! Would not have been out fo the blue LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two weeks after my 51yo mil died of a sudden heart attack, my fil moved a neighbor into their bedroom. A few weeks later, he asked my son to be his best man. That was the last time my exdh ever spoke to his father. At the time mil died, fil had been having a long-term affair with this woman — so long that my sisters-in-law suspected her daughter was his. That was 30 years ago and they’re still married. When I hear someone says they found someone new days or weeks after the death of a spouse, that’s what I suspect, rightly or wrongly.

Same. I know someone who acquired a significant other just weeks after their spouses death. Moved right in! Would not have been out fo the blue LOL.

Also know someone who swore of all men and is finally coming to the admission that they do not like men, they like women, so I say live your best life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two weeks after my 51yo mil died of a sudden heart attack, my fil moved a neighbor into their bedroom. A few weeks later, he asked my son to be his best man. That was the last time my exdh ever spoke to his father. At the time mil died, fil had been having a long-term affair with this woman — so long that my sisters-in-law suspected her daughter was his. That was 30 years ago and they’re still married. When I hear someone says they found someone new days or weeks after the death of a spouse, that’s what I suspect, rightly or wrongly.

Same. I know someone who acquired a significant other just weeks after their spouses death. Moved right in! Would not have been out fo the blue LOL.

Also know someone who swore of all men and is finally coming to the admission that they do not like men, they like women, so I say live your best life.

I have nothing against living your best life but in the case of my 51yo mil, the family really suffered. There were still multiple kids at home and they went off the rails. I guess it could have happened even if their dad hadn’t remarried, but losing mom and getting a stepmom when you’re a teen didn’t help.

I understand more if you’re 75yo and reach out to your high school or college girlfriend who is also widowed. But kids take it harder. My own cousin who was a widow at 31yo, asked his kids if they were ready before he started dating about 2 yrs after their mom died. He was very sensitive to this issue because his dad died when he was a kid and his mom remarried months later. Again, it was really hard on the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two weeks after my 51yo mil died of a sudden heart attack, my fil moved a neighbor into their bedroom. A few weeks later, he asked my son to be his best man. That was the last time my exdh ever spoke to his father. At the time mil died, fil had been having a long-term affair with this woman — so long that my sisters-in-law suspected her daughter was his. That was 30 years ago and they’re still married. When I hear someone says they found someone new days or weeks after the death of a spouse, that’s what I suspect, rightly or wrongly.

If it was me I will investigate the “sudden heart attack”.